Weird to say but I'm on the pill

AF arrived on Friday and I called the doctor and got my prescription for birth control pills. I will take them until January 2nd which is when I will go in to see if my ovaries are sufficiently suppressed. If they are, we are off and running and the IVF attempt will officially begin. That's scary to think about.

It could be a great start to a new year or a big expensive bummer of a start to a new year. Time will tell.

I babysat my 10 month old niece on Saturday. She was a great baby. It was a really nice way to spend the day but a painful one, too. My brother has 4 children and another one on the way. They will soon have 5 kids. Wow. And we can't get one.

I'm not jealous. I don't want 5 kids. I grew up in a big family which had its advantages but I'm not looking to repeat (not that I have time to have 8 children unless they all come at once and that is not likely to happen (it didn't happen with IUI so I don't think it will happen with IVF).

I would, however, like to have two children. If possible. Is that asking too much?

I'm back

Where have I been? Well, between going somewhere every weekend,organizing a big fundraiser for my work, and dealing the death and funeral of a beloved uncle who died way too young (55!), it's been a long month. I've been exhausted. And I'm so thankful I chose to take a break from fertility treatments. I'm sure this would not have been a good cycle.

So, fertility issues have not been foremost in my mind as I am free from the myriad of doctor appointments and injections, but don't worry, I haven't forgot about it entirely.

As soon as cycle day 1 arrives, I'll call the doctor and start bcp to suppress the ovaries. Then, I will hopefully start with the medications right after the new year. The thing that runs through my mind constantly is whether or not this is going to be a wasted effort and a waste of our hard earned resources. There has not been much good news for my age group lately. I've done 5 IUIs with nary a bfp.

I feel like I am going through with the IVF cycle just to prove that I can't get pregnant. To demonstrate that I tried everything medically possible. To get an A for effort. I don't have hope that it will actually work. So why I am throwing $10,000 or so at this?

I think it will allow me to move on. In January, we will have been married for 4 years; for the past 3 years, we've been trying to get pregnant (with one year under the RE's care). This has been a long haul. This has been tiring. This hasn't felt like moving forward - it has felt like running in place. Wanting a child and having a child are not the same. I don't want to keep wanting a child. I want to have a child to raise.

So, this $10,000 investment will allow me and dh to move on. I think it is more important for him to see that we have tried everything. I think that when this fails, he will be ready to try the next thing - egg donation or adoption. And those both have a much high chance of success.

Cycle math

Today is day one. It was a 30 day cycle - is that good news? I'm not sure. Last month, it was 22 days. So, take the average and we are at 26 days which is my normal (at least before I started pumping drugs into my body).

I'm going to call the doctor today and delay starting the IVF cycle. I'm feeling good about that decision except the minor detail that at age 41, I probably shouldn't delay much... what can 26 more days do? Expel that last good egg?

Have a great Thanksgiving everyone! We'll be road tripping all over the state of California - those of you in CA, I'll see you on the 5!

What it is: Fear

I've been feeling ambivalent about this upcoming IVF cycle. Scared might be a better word. I've been anticipating my cycle day one arriving, and thus a phone call to the doc to start birth control for about 2 weeks. This would put the Egg Retrival and Embryo transfer to finish up just before Christmas.

I've found myself secretly hoping that cd1 would start after Tuesday and then it will be too late to get to the doctor as we are going out of town Tuesday evening and won't be back until Sunday.

My normal cycle (though I'm not sure I have those anymore) lasts about 26, maybe 27 days. I thought AF would have arrived on Friday or Saturday but here it is Monday, CD 29, and she is not here yet.

I'm afraid to start the IVF cycle for several reasons:

1. The holidays are coming. We have a zillion family, work, and social obligations over the next few weeks. Every weekend is booked as are many weekday evenings. We have to travel to family events and shop for gifts. We're hosting a few events at our house. It's looking to be a stressful few weeks.

2. I am not feeling physcially at optimum condition. I've been slacking off on exercising and not eating very well the last month or so

3. We are going away for a week after Xmas to my dad's place in Mexico - on the coast, very relaxing, friends closeby - it's a wonderful place to rest and rejuvinated. I feel like after a week there, I'll be ready for IVF. If I wait one more cycle, AF should arrive before Xmas and then I would be on BcP for at least 2 weeks which would bring me into the New Years.

4. For 2008, I can sign up for my company's flex health saving plan and will be able to pay for part of the IVF costs with pre tax money which will mean some cost savings

5. The last and probably most important: I'm scared it will fail. The likelihood of success are slim and I'm not sure I'm ready to face this final BFN. I don't know why I think I will be more ready to face it in January but I have a feeling that once the holidays are over, I'll be ready to handle more.

DH and I talked about it last night and he agreed that we should wait. He had been thinking on his own that the holidays were busy and stressful enough without adding in an last chance IVF cycle. I felt relief when he said that because he has always been the one who wanted to keep moving forward and not miss chances, etc.

So, that's our decision unless AF arrives and I miraculously feel ready to start.

What is a Micro Flare?

Click here to learn:

Micro-Flare Study

I didn't know either though it looks like I am a good candidate.

IVF - here we come?

I went to the doctor yesterday for my post-op appointment. She showed me some very bizarre (interesting?) photos of the inside of my uterus. She had showed them to my husband the day of the surgery (I was still out of it) and all he said was that it looked like a balloon with some discoloration in parts of it. Well, he's color blind and it's not his uterus so I figured when I got to the see the photos, I would have more to say about it. But frankly, it looked something like a balloon and there was some parts that were discolored and the good doctor eliminated the parts that were discolored. That's the simplest (and only) description I can give you.

It was a fibroid tumor.

Oh, and the cells were all benign. Phew.

I'm so glad it is over and in the past. Now, the future:

Our current plan is to start with an IUI that will hopefully convert to IVF - assuming I can come up with enough eggs (the doctor would like to see 15.)(15!) As soon as I start CD 1, which should be this weekend, I'm to call them and then I will go on birth control pills for 2 weeks. After that, we'll do an Micro Flare (I don't know what that is but I'll let you know as soon as I find out) for 2 days and then it is a little like the regular medicated IUI's I've been doing. I'll do 450 of gona.l f which is the maximum.

If I don't come up with enough follicles, we'll do another iui and if I do come up with enough, we'll do an egg retrieval, isci, and you know the rest. And that will cost us about $10,000. The money scares me a bit. I know I've gotten off easy with the past 5 IUIs because we've only had to pay about $500 each one. Now, it's really going to hurt financially.

Also, I think it may hurt emotionally, too. This is our last chance with my eggs. If we convert to IVF and it doesn't work, it's back to the drawing board. If we aren't able to convert to IVF, then we know we will never do IVF. And the doctor is soon to cut me off of IUIs. So, we are going to put our resources to this effort. If we don't do it, we may have a lifetime of regret and if we do it, we just might (pray for us) wind up with a baby.

That's the news for tonight. I hope all are well.

Take Care,

Egged

Blog Blahs

I've been having mixed feelings about the blogging business lately. I started reading blogs when I needed inspiration and to feel like I wasn't the only one going through this. At first, I would find someone who had gotten pregnant and maybe even already had their baby and then go back and read their whole blog to learn their whole story. I knew it had a happy ending so I would read and be inspired. When I came upon someone that was not yet successful, I would skip to another blog. I did this for a week or so.

And then I found some folks who were, like me, maybe a little older than the average infertile, and, who, like me, were right in the middle of their story. I began reading them and commenting and sharing their journey. I was invested and praying for them to have a happy ending as it might mean that I, too, would have a happy ended. I began my own blog.

But I have to say, sometimes this shared journey is darn depressing. It's not inspirational. It's devastating. To follow someone who struggles for months or years to get pregnant and then read about her having a m/c is so sad. It's overwhelming sometimes. I find myself limiting the number of people I follow because there is so much heartbreak.

I wish I could fast forward to all of our happy endings and then read back with the knowledge that there was a happy ending. But that's not the way it works. We have to live through it in real time.

This infertile business is not for the weak of heart. Sometimes I don't think I'm brave enough for it. It's one thing to give yourself shots in the gut and feel brave and able to take on anything but it's another thing altogether to endure the emotional heartbreak that IF throws at us day in and day out.

I feel like writing this which sounds so odd: I've been lucky that I haven't gotten pregnant. Because then I didn't have to lose it.

Anyway, this is a highly depressing post. Sorry about that. I'm feeling better and mostly back to normal. I go to the doc on Tuesday to hear for myself what they found and how/when I can proceed from here. We're going away for a few days to relax and recover.

Home for the day

It feels so nice to have that surgery over. I know I worried about it far more than necessary but I can't help it. I'm a worrier through and through. I am a real baby when it comes to medical or dental stuff. That's probably why it took so long for me to see an RE when it was evident that we weren't getting pregnant the old fashioned way.

I go to the doc next week on Tuesday for a post-op and then to make our next plans. Before the surgery, we talked briefly of the plan to do a suped up medicated IUI that may have a chance to turn into an IVF cycle if I can create enough follicles. The doctor agreed that they will be our next step. I don't know if we can start in November on my next cd1 or if we will need to wait one more cycle. December sounds good to me, too. I'd like to get started this year.

I've been resting all day today. I probably could have gone to work but I got permission to work a half day from home so I am still in my jammies. I am getting work done but it's nice to have a quiet day and not have to get dressed, drive, and interact with a bunch of people.

All done

The surgery is over - god bless anesthesia! I conked out when the doctor said "I'm just going to give you something to relax you a bit... then he said take five deep breaths" and next thing I knew, I woke up in the recovery room.

My surgery was scheduled for 9:30 am and the anesthesiologist told me it would probably take 30 minutes unless they found something somewhat complicated and then it could take an hour or more. When I woke up in the recovery room, the clock on the wall said 11:30. I immediately, in my groggy way, said, "did it take 2 hours??" I thought that they must have found something unexpected. The nurse laughed and apologized - they hadn't changed the clocks back yet so it was actually 10:30 am. Whew.

It was a fibrous cyst - though that is via DH and I'll hear the full report next week from my doctor.

Over all, the staff at the hospital were wonderful and I couldn't have asked for a better experience.

I am now resting at home. I have a little spotting but I was told to expect that. I'm just glad it is over and now I can get back on with trying to have a baby.

Q & A

The question is: will this surgery to remove whatever it is growing in my uterus improve my chances of getting pregnant?

The answer is: no one knows. The doc won't go on record saying that this is what has prevented me from getting pregant. If it's all about the eggs, it doesn't matter what is or isn't growing in my uterus.

DH is convinced this will improve our chances. My sister-in-law got pregnant after having something (albeit, something different) removed from her uterus - so there is precedent.

For the record, my official opinion on the subject is that removing whatever it is will absolutely improve my chances. (Since no one know for sure, I'll take the most optimistic side)(No reason to be negative about the whole thing).

I'm not proud - I'll take hope from where ever I can get it.

Pre-Op Complete - Next Stop: Surgery

Sorry I've been away. It's been a complicated time here in San Diego but things are back to normal now (for me).

During the fires last week, I forgot about my upcoming surgery which was worrying me. I woke up yesterday and realized that it is next week and I immediately starting worrying again. I know it isn't a big deal and I've talked to many people who have been through it but I can't help but worry. It's not every day that I am put unconscious. I've only had that done once before when I had my wisdom teeth about 25 years ago.

I went in for the pre-op today which was mostly taking vitals such as blood pressure, blood, pulse, etc. I had a nice talk with the doctor who explained the procedure and it seems I am all set for next week. I will have the surgery on Tuesday morning.

I mentioned in my last post that AF arrived on CD 22. I don't know what that is about but like all my problems, I blame the medications. 22 days?!? That's short even for me who usually has a 26 day cycle. I may take next month off as well so I can see if my body gets back on track. I don't think a short cycle is a good sign that all is well. If we are going to try for IVF, I want all of the conditions to be perfect. Or at least as perfect as possible for me.

Distraction

I found a distraction (and not one I recommend) to thinking, worrying, plotting, researching, and overall obsessing with fertility issues: a natural disaster. I live in San Diego County and we've been under siege by wildfires since Sunday. DH and I (and our pets) have evacuated to a relative who lives in a safer area. Our house is ok now but the fire isn't over yet so we are watching everything very closely.

That being said, I haven't thought much about my surgery, my fertility issues, and even the fact that in the middle of all this, AF arrived on cd 22 (what??). Normally you'd get a whole post about cd 22 and just how wrong it is for AF to start that early. Something ain't right.

But, that will all have to wait. There are bigger issues going on here now.

I was tagged by Chris and I promise to respond when I am in the right mindset. (I'm not ignoring it).

I hope everyone is well. Pray for the wind to die down.

Chances

These past two days I was in San Francisco for a work meeting and I stayed with one of my brothers. I haven't told any of my siblings about our fertility treatment - only my mom knows. I don't know why - I guess I don't want a lot of people asking about how it is going when it is obviously not going so well.

I have a few people that I have to update each cycle (some close friends, my mom) and of course, you out there, but I try to minimize the number of people I have to report to. Maybe if I had good news once in a while, I wouldn't feel it necessary to protect myself like this. But when I share, for example, that I have 8 follicles and I'm really excited, frankly, to the uninitiated, it takes a whole lot of explaining and in the end, 8 follicles is a nice intermediary step, but if there isn't a pregnancy from one of those 8, it's not really all that great of news, is it?

Anyway, my brother was discussing the idea of he and his wife having another child and we got to talking about children and I opened up to him. I didn't tell him all of the grusome details and but I let him know that we have been having treatments for 10 months now and I told him about my upcoming surgery.

He then told me that he and his wife tried for about 6 months to get pregnant and then went to a doctor and found that she had fybroid cysts in her uterous. She had surgery (more extensive than what I will have) and they removed them. Shortly after that, she became pregnant. Of course this just fueled the flames of hope for me. My doctor doesn't think I have fybroid cysts but she won't know for sure until she goes in there.

Maybe when my ute is all cleaned out, I'll have a better chance. Not a great chance but a better chance. I'll take it.

Acupuncture

I had my first acupuncture appointment yesterday. It was interesting. I went there and had an interview about my general health and reproductive system. I also filled out a very thorough questionnaire. He had my lay down on a table and then he listened to my pulse on both arms for about a full minute on each side. He looked at my tongue with a flashlight.

Then he proceeded to put 20 little tiny (and I mean tiny especially compared to the ones we give ourselves shots with) needles in twenty places around my body. 3 on my belly (one over each over and one over my uterus), 3 on my head (one in the middle of my forehead and one in each ear) and then on my hands, arms, feet, and legs. I barely felt them. Only a few did I really feel going in.

Then I lay there with a heat lamp over me for what seemed like 30 minutes. It was relaxing, I'll give you that. I am not sure what else it was. I liked being warm and listening to mellow music.

When he came back to take the needles, he told me I was blood deficient. I'm not sure what that means but he says he can fix it. He sold me some Chinese herbs and supplements after the session. He tried to sell me more but I didn't want to spend $100 on stuff that I am not sure about so I only bought a few items. Do any of you take the Chinese herbs and supplements? What do you think? I have to be honest, I am a little wary. I'd like to hear about the experiences of anyone who has taken them.

He said I should go every week and then by my IVF cycle in two months, I should be in good shape. I can't go next week as I'll be out of town but then I will probably go again. He charges $75 per visit. I don't like spending the money but I know this may be my only chance at IVF so I should give it my best shot.

And I can't go around being infertile and blood deficient... maybe they will both go away together.

Damn

Just what I was not hoping for: the sonohysterogram showed a polyp or something is in my uterus. Boo. The sonohysterogram wasn't bad - I was anxious about it all day - first time I have been nervous going to the RE in a long time. I had it done in February so I knew what to expect. If anything, this one went smoother. The doctor took about 12 photos as she honed in on the offending polyp. Said it could be a skin flap or a fibrous cyst. They won't know for sure until they go in. They will have it biopsied but she said these things are almost always benign. She said that it may or may not have impeded pregnancy and it wouldn't necessarily improve my chances for a bfp. It's just that they won't do ivf with it in there - they need the uterus to be in tip top shape when they put the embryos back in.


Probably I'll have the surgery in early November. It will be hysteroscopy - something like a D&C but they'll use a little tiny camera so they'll know exactly what to remove. It doesn't sound like complicated surgery but I will be put under for it and won't feel a thing. The doctor said that there are rarely any complications from the surgery and I can resume my normal activities the next day.

Easy surgery or not, I did not want this news. Ugh. It's always something. I will have the surgery in early November and then will hopefully, start the IVF cycle in December. She offered to put me on birth control pills and then I could start the IVF cycle a week after the surgery but that would put the egg retrieval and transfer some time around Thanksgiving and frankly, I'd rather enjoy the holiday fully and not be worried about the timing of everything. We are planning to drive to dh's sister's for thanksgiving so it would be nice to be able to put that in ink.

I know I'm getting older and should try to do everything as soon as possible but what would be nicer than a stress free Thanksgiving and then a bfp for Christmas?

I'm trying to look on the positive side of this:
- This polyp would have had to be removed at some point anyway so might as well get it over with.
- it I did get pregnant, it could cause a miscarriage if the implantation was near to the polyp
- I have two cycles to get my body in great shape for ivf.

I also went to acupuncture today which was interesting; I'll write about that separately.

Things I do that I didn't used to do

Since I started the fertility treatment roller coaster about 10 - 11 months ago, I have taken up all sorts of new hobbies (and I am not including giving myself shots, giving blood, or getting wanded). Mostly these hobbies are to help me sleep on sleepless nights or keep me occupied during the day when my mind starts obsessing on the latest cycle.

Here's is what I have taken up and added back into my life:
1. Swimming - nothing like the tired from a good swim. I found a place near my office where I can swim on my lunch hour. If I swim hard, I will sleep through the night.

2. Listening to the news on my Ipod. I got an Ipod right around the time I started treatments. I thought I would use it for music or books on tape but I have found the free npr podcasts on I.tun.es. Each night, I download the news and listen to it. Nothing puts me to sleep faster. If I wake up in the middle of the night and start stressing out, I listen again and it puts me back to sleep. It's a crutch but I need my sleep!

3. Crossword puzzles. I was never into crosswords but now I do the one in the paper every day. I start it in the morning and if I can't finish it quickly, I leave it for after work. It takes full concentration. With tv, my mind wanders and I don't find that an enjoyable way to spend the evening.

4. Sewing. Lately, I have taken out the old sewing machine and have been sewing little purses with remnants of upholstery fabric that I buy at the fabric store for $1 or $2. Like crossword puzzles, this takes my full concentration and I have a cute bag at the end.

5. Blogging. I never had a blog before and actually never read one. I wish I had read all the infertility blogs 2 or 3 years ago. I might have gotten myself into treatment sooner. I didn't know anything about the world of infertility treatments and when we couldn't get pregnant, we went to our normal doctors and they weren't much help except finally, one day, dh's doctor gave him a slip of paper that said "Intrauterine Insemination". I called my doctor to see if she could do such a thing and she laughed and said "no, you have to go to an RE". Oh, I had no idea. That's what led me to my RE. And that is when I started googling IUI, etc. and I found all the blogs - which have helped me so much. And obviously, eventually, I started one of my own.

Tomorrow, I will take up acupuncture.

Wednesday Appointments

On Wednesday, I have two fertility related appointments.

1. Sonohystogram AKA the water test. I have had this test done before, in March 07 and everything was fine. But in some of my ultrasounds lately, they have noticed a little something (or maybe a little nothing - they aren't sure) in my uterus. They haven't been concerned for IUI as it shouldn't impede implantation, etc. But as we look towards IVF, the doc said that they want to make sure my uterus is in tip-top condition before they place an embryo in there. So, I am going to have the water test. I am scared. Not of test - I've done it before and it's not bad (easier than the hsg, mostly because those performing the test know their way around women's parts). I'm scared of the results. What if there is something there? Does that mean some kind of procedure to remove it? Does that mean I can't do IVF? I really want there to be nothing (naturally, that shouldn't surprise anyone) and be able to proceed with IVF in the next cycle. I guess I will have to wait. The good news is that I will get the results right away.

2. Acupuncture! I made an appointment and I am proud of myself for doing so. It has been recommended by so many and I have told myself that one day I will do it but I never got off my butt to research a place and make an appointment. So finally I did it. I go right after the water test. I think I put it off as it is hard to imagine scheduling one more dr appointment in the mix of all the other appointment. But with IVF looming, it was now or never. If acupuncture can help me create a few extra follicles, it will be worth it.

So, Wednesday is a big day. In the meanwhile, I am trying to eat right and exercise and generally get my body and mind in shape for what's to come.

What did we decide?

After a long discussion, we came up with our next decision (no doubt not our last).

We are going to try for IVF next cycle. We will start out as IUI and hopefully (please!!), I can come up with a big litter of follicles (more than 10 good sized ones) and then we can convert to IVF. If the follicles are not up to the doc's standards, we will do an IUI again. I am going to take the maximum amount of gona.l f (450) each day. If I don't get a lot of follicles at that dosage, there's no hope for me.

Our thinking is that if we can get to egg retrieval, at least we will learn more about my gosh darn eggs. Maybe they are all bad. Maybe not. The doc said that in older women, often the shell of the egg is too hard for either the sperm to enter or for the embryo to hatch. With me, assuming we get that far, they will do assisted hatching. They will break the outer shell of the egg at day 5 and then put them in me. At that point, they should be ready to implant right away. This is exciting to talk about.

If the eggs are all bad, then we will make that egg donor decision and not keep doing IUI's, etc. If the eggs are good, maybe we'll be blessed with a pregnancy. Stranger things have happened. At least we'll be operating with a little more information.

I feel good with this plan because we'll get some information and there is an end to it. Not just endless IUI or IVF cycles.

How to prepare for this? Well, next week I have a sonohystogram on Wednesday and then right after, Chris, you'll be proud of me, I have my first acupuncture appointment. If I may only have one chance at this, then I'm going to do everything I can to improve my odds. Suggestions at to how to do this are welcome.

Decision made. For now. And it feels good.

Went to the Doctor and the Doctor Said...

I had a great conversation with my doctor. She spent 50 minutes with me discussing my situation and going over my options. She was really nice and really thoughtful. I so appreciate her.

Here's the facts:

- She will only do 3 more medicated IUIs on me and then I am cut off.

- IUI and IVF probably have about the same chance at this point but we will learn more about my eggs with IVF. She is willing to boost my meds and see if I can create at least 10 eggs and if that happens, we can convert to IVF and take a look at those eggs. If there are not 10 eggs, she won't do an egg retrieval.

- Donor Egg is a good option though I can wait to make my decision about that - she says I have until age 47 for the donor egg option. Donor egg will cost about $25,000!!! Jeez, that changes my excitement about donor egg a bit.

- They have two donated embryos that she offered. It will cost about $3,000 to put them in but obviously, they won't be related to me or mh.

- She feels if I went to donor egg at this point (and skipped IVF on my own eggs) I could still feel that I gave it a thorough try.

- She also wants me to do one more sonohystogram next week because there is something very small on my uterus that keeps showing up on the ultrasounds and she wants to take a look at before we try anything else.

That's where I am. I feel like I am in good hands. I don't know about $25,000 for a donor egg. It does have about a 80% chance but it could still be money down the drain. Holy crap that's a lot of dough. I had somehow gotten to accept the idea of $15,000 but $25,000 seems like a whole lot more money. Maybe I should look at it this way: I borrowed $20,000 to go to grad school and I am about to pay that off and we just borrowed a smiliar amount to buy a car so what's another $25,000????? Is that a good way to look at this?

That's the update. I'll talk with dh this evening and let you know what we decide.

Out of Plimbo - on to ???

AF arrived yesterday. Whoopee.

I have an appointment with my RE today to go over my options. I want to get some educated input so I can make an educated decision. I don't want to just keep doing IUI after IUI without a plan.

I appreciate the comments about the egg donor. The one thing about the egg donor option is that it can wait. Also, my insurance covers all by $500 of the IUIs so those are manageable financially (especially if we do them every other month). The egg donor option is appealing but it seems like a way to end this part of my life - the trying, waiting, failing part. It seems like the fastest way to maybe have a baby. It is very expensive and it is not guaranteed to work. But it has a much higher success rate than round after round of IUI....

Hmm. What to do. Well, to start off, I'll talk with the doctor today and get her input on the situation. Then I'll be right back to the decision making mode.

I'll update later. Take care.

PLIMBO - the Part I Really Don't Like

I had a negative blood test on Monday. My last progesteron.e was on Sunday evening. AF has not yet arrived. Last time, it took over a week after stopping the progerston.e to show up. I'm in Plimbo (period limbo) and it makes me think I have messed with my body just a little too much.

As I start taking the meds, have the IUI, go through the 2ww, I am intensively aware of what is going on with my body. How many follicles in each ovary and what size, when I ovulate, when implantation might occur, when an accurate result might show up on a hpt. And then I have the blood test and now, 5 days later, I have no frickin clue as to what is going on with my body. I am just in Plimbo. Do I have a cyst? 5 cysts? What is taking AF so long to show up?

I probably have a cyst. I am assuming that as I've had them after every medicated cycle. I don't know how long it will take for AF to arrive but meanwhile I have ugly brown spotting. I feel like something is wrong. I never feel that way during the first 28 days of the cycle but the next days/weeks, I feel bad. Not hopeful. Not freeing. But "something is wrong and I don't know how to fix it".

I am more patient this time. I am not continuing to poas just to make sure the blood test was correct. I am calmer about it. But still, I don't like it. I like it when my body works like clock work. 28 day cycles (though for the last year or two, they have been 26 or 27 day cycles).

This is where I am today - still mulling over the donor egg option but feeling crappy about my body.

I hope all are well.

I don't know

I was so excited about the egg donor possibilities (mostly the 70 - 80% success rate) on Monday but now I am waning a bit on the idea. DH wants to keep trying with IUIs, figuring that we have only recently gotten to the point of a good number of follicles (8 last time) and that if we are able to get 8 or more follicles 2 or 3 more times, then he will feel we have given it a really good go. I do agree in principle but the thought of 3 more failed IUI cycles exhausts me. Especially since I seem to have a cyst after each medicated cycle so I only do an IUI every other month. We're talking about 6 more months. A donor IVF cycle has a much higher chance of success and will save months of anguish.

However, I am starting to dwell on other things besides the chance for a take home baby. I am thinking that I won't look in that child's face and see me in her or him. My child won't share that certain something with his/her 10 first cousins. I was an athlete while growing up - maybe my child won't be athletic. I have had excellent health my whole life - haven't had a sick day from work in years - I'd like to pass that on.

I know if we adopt, which is an option we are exploring, the same will be true. And I won't have carried the adopted child in my body, won't be able to breast feed, etc and so this donor egg child offers something to me more than adoption.

As I write this, I am thinking that I need process this more and give sufficient time to grieve about the fact that I may not have a bio child and then move on to the option of donor egg. DH may be right - we should be sure that we have given it a solid effort to have a baby with our genes before jumping on to donor egg. It's so alluring - that chance to be done with this part of my life and on to parenting. That's what I want - to be a parent. Yes, I want my child to be part of me - to have my big (some would say big ass) smile and thick hair but more important, I want to have a child.

Why are there so many frickin decisions to be made? I should appreciate the fact that we have options as I know couples decades ago did not have options like we have now but getting to the point where we have a child is sure more complicated than having sex and getting pregnant. That seems like a cake walk. This is a walk over coals. It hurts but I know we'll get through it.

Donor Eggs?

I went for my blood test this morning and then had a brief chat with the PA about donor eggs - how hard was it to find a donor, etc. She said that it was easy to get an egg donor - that they have 8 or so on file that I could chose from. If I didn't like any of those eight, I could use an agency ( I almost wrote eggency!) to find some one that met my requirements.

The most important thing that she said was that there is a 70 - 80% success rate with donor eggs - even at my age! This was music to my ears. This sounds interesting! I know it costs significantly more to use a donor egg but the odds are so much better that I think it is a better financial investment.

I am really excited and have a new hope for the possibility of having a child.

I never thought I would get to this point but here I am - seriously considering it.

It's official - BFN

Well, not totally official - that will be via the blood test tomorrow but I'm not holding out any type of hope for a reversal of fortune here.

I was very sad this morning and yesterday when I saw that it was most likely going to be negative but I have to say that I feel better now. Knowing the result is worth a lot. I was anxious the last two weeks, carrying around the weight of wondering, hoping, planning, etc and now that is off my shoulders. I am not happy with the answer - I would rather be celebrating and planning and jumping for joy right now - that would be a fun experience - but knowing has value and being in that limbo period is tough on the ol' emotions.

What next? I don't know. This was the 5th IUI and frankly, at age 41, I may have to admit that my eggs are not all they are cracked up to be (and they are only cracked up to be about 20% good so that's not saying much). We could try IVF since I have now met the threshold of 8 follicles in one cycle (that's the number my doc said I have to come up with to make IVF even a little bit worth it) OR we could keep trying IUIs just hoping that one of the good eggs will finally make an appearance OR we could look into a donor egg.

Not being able to make this decision on our own, I am going to set up a consult with the good doctor and get her input on this situation. If my chances with IVF using my own eggs are close to null, then maybe I should do IVF with a donor egg instead and save money/emotions/time. I don't know what to do.

I want to start my family. The anxiety of wondering when/how that is going to happen is excruciating. I don't want to keep the option open that we won't have children. We both want children. We want to be parents. IVF with a donor egg may be the way to make that happen. Adoption is another way that it may happen.

So, here I am - not quite back where I started since after 5 IUIs, I have some information about my eggs and my response to meds, etc, but in the big picture of things, 10 months of treatments and I am exactly where I was when I started.

Any ideas out there?

So far it's negative

not much more to say than that. It's early but not too early to show something - but I'll keep a half-opened mind and test again tomorrow. Then the beta is on Monday which I'll do anyway just for fun and giggles.

I've held out so far

I haven't poas'd yet but I am getting mighty tempted.

I'm going to try to wait until Saturday.

I don't have any symptoms so I feel that it is probably a bfn. If that is the case, it will be nice to know sooner rather than later.

I hope all are well.

To POAS or Not to POAS

that is the question, isn't it?

I had the IUI 10 days ago and I'm starting to want to know the outcome. I mean, I know I being hopeful is fun and all but it really does start to wear out its welcome and doubt starts moving in on its place.

There's only one way to alleviate the hope/doubt vicious cycle and that is to poas. But poasing doesn't really solve the problem when you do it too early because if you get a negative (which I always have), then you (or at least I) will think that it was too early and so then you have to poas the next day and you haven't really alleviated the situation at all - you are only more convinced that it is a bfn and you start using all your energy to turn it into a BFP for the next morning. It's crazy making.

Now that I written that, I don't want to poas. I don't want to get into that cycle right now. It's not that I don't want to know, it's that I don't have the energy to will the damn stick to be positive after a negative that was taken too early. (did that make sense).

So, I will wait until day 13 - which will be Saturday. I think that is a good day to get a definitive answer (and if it is a bfn, I only have to test one more time on Sunday). My beta is Monday.

The only reason I even think I have the will power to hold off is that I don't have any hpt in the house so I will have to actually go buy some if I am going to test. And I don't feel like going to the store. I guess I am in a malaise. That two-thirds through the 2ww malaise. I'll have to find a better name for that.

I hope all are well. Congrats to Karen at My Perky Ovaries on her 3 little ones!

1/2 Way Through the 2WW

What can I say? Time is slowly crawling by.

I don't have any symptoms to speak of though I don't suppose that I should at this point. I'm tired and my breasts are sore but that's because I'm not sleeping well at night and I'm taking progersteron.e.

I don't even had any symptoms to misinterpret. Maybe those will come next week.

Wish for a quick week for me! I'll probably poas over the weekend and my beta is next Monday. It would be nice to see something new on those pee sticks...

Darn I'm really hopeful

It's only been two days since the IUI and my mind is swimming with possibilities. I think those 8 follicles have given me false hope. The nurse showed them to me right before the IUI and all 8 were large and round and hanging there just like grapes - really easy see. My other doctor told me that during egg retrieval, the follicles were hanging really low and close so there are easy to reach. I could see that this time - these follicles were like a large bunch of grapes hanging very low. All eight were very big - it looked like the left 3 caught up with the right 5.

It's 2:30 am and I'm having trouble sleeping. I think it is because 1, I have the most follicles yet and 2, I saw them. I can't help but be excited. At the other 4 IUIs, they didn't show me the follicles - just did the insemination and that was it. Since they say that only 2-3 out of 10 of my eggs are probably good at this point, 8 is a pretty good number to think that maybe one good one will be in there.

I know, that one has to fertilize and implant and then stick around, etc. The chances are actually quite low but a girl's gotta have dreams.

But a girl's gotta calm down, too. I need my sleep. Too bad the doc says no swimming for a few days after the IUI - that is my preferred form of exercise and there's nothing like a tired body to ensure a good night's sleep.

IUI # 5 Complete; Now, the 2 Week Wait

The IUI went very smoothly today and I'm now home resting. They took a look at my ovaries before the IUI and all 8 follicles looked nice and big - maybe they will all be mature after all. I feel so bloated so I know something is going on in there.

The doctor was busy with surgery so they asked if the nurse (I don't know her title) could do it and I said yes. They they told me that the nurse has a 100% positive track record with IUIs so far! She hasn't been there very long but still, that's a good track record and hopefully, her streak will continue with me.

The 2 week wait is here. I wish I could fast forward ahead to know right now how it will turn out. I start Progesteron.e on Wednesday.

I hope everyone is well.

Sandwich wear?

Another blogger, and now I can't remember who, once wrote that having all these follicles felt like she had a sandwich in her pants. I loved that. Well, right about now, I fell like I have a sandwich down there. And I only have 8 follicles - it must feel like a few sandwiches for those of you who have 15 or 20 (or more!) follicles growing.

I should ovulate today (I gave myself the trigger at 3 am Sunday).

I have the IUI at 2:15. This is my first time to have the IUI in the afternoon and I think I will like it. The last few times I had the IUI and then went to work. This time, I will have it and then come home and rest. That seems like a more peaceful beginning for a new life, don't you think?

Wish me luck. Since I came up with 8 follicles this time, my husband is under orders to produce at least 50 million little guys... he said he would do his best.

IUI Scheduled for Monday

5 big follicles, 3 little ones - maybe they will catch up but at least there are five good ones. The IUI is scheduled for Monday afternoon which means I have to give myself the trigger shot at 3 am on Sunday - yikes, I hope I don't sleep through that one.

The vibes are good for this cycle though I wish I could control my hopes during the 2ww. I try to be calm but hope gets the best of me the further along the cycle goes and always ends in disappointment.

At this point, I can say, "well, it probably will be a BFN but that's ok, I can try again or explore other options. At least I tried"

But two weeks from now, I won't be that practical. I'll be saying, "please please please please be positive. I've already checked out the potential due date. I've already figured out how I will tell my husband. I can't wait to tell my mom. Please please please be positive!"

That's a vulnerable place to be.

I hope everyone has a good weekend.

One more follicle plus I'm a tv star!

I went to the doctor again today and she saw 8 follicles! 5 on the right and 3 on the left. This is great news. About five of them are pretty big and the other four are still small. I will probably have the IUI on Sunday or Monday. I'll go back for one more scan tomorrow and then we'll know when the IUI will be. This will be cycle day 11 or 12. I'm a fast responder - which makes for short cycles.

Also, they had a film crew in and I agreed to have my ultrasound and blood draw filmed for a local health show. They probably won't show my face - just the screen showing the follicles and lining, etc. I wanted to do it because I always appreciate those who agreed to be filmed for educational purposes so the rest of us can learn.

3 + 4 = 7!

7 follies! That's pretty good for me.

I started ganarelli.x today to make sure the big ones don't get any ideas and release themselves. I go back on Thursday to check their progress. Thursday my ovaries may also be filmed for the b-roll of a health show doing something on fertility. My face or voice won't be used but they will film the ultrasound screen. I agreed to it because I always appreciate it when someone else puts themselves out there for the rest of us to learn. Though I am not really putting myself out there since my face or name won't be used. It may be extra encouragement for those follicles to really look good on Thursday.

I'm excited about this cycle. Trying not to get as excited as last cycle but this is a good start. It's day 6.

Good News: Both Ovaries at Full Strength

No cysts!

I saw the doctor this morning, cycle day 2, and it couldn't have gone better. No cysts, plenty of antral follicles, and everything looked good. She was excited about it. I haven't had this good of a start yet. Let's hope this 5th try is a charm!

I started tonight with 300 gona.l f and .10 hcg. I didn't mind the shots - getting to be like an old friend. Weird, but true. This is what I do half of the month: I give myself shots. And it's nice to know that there are lots of people out there, like you kind readers, who also give shots to yourselves and don't find it all that crazy or extreme - it's just part of who we are.

I had to go into the one pharmacy in town that has some fertility meds to get the hcg today (the rest of my stuff came through the mail) and while I was waiting, I noticed that most of the people coming in were getting fertility meds. I heard one woman insisting that she already had needles and then when my turn came to pick up the vial, they were scrambling trying to find the right needles but I insisted, too, that I had plenty of needles at home. Another part of my identity (and may be yours): I am someone who has plenty of needles at home.

I hope everyone is well. Have a great weekend and let's hope for a whole slew of BFPs in September - that would make for some June babies. How lovely that would be.

I was AWOL and I'm back

hi all, sorry for the long absence. I've been suffering from carpel tunnel syndrome and since I didn't have much to say anyway, I took a break.

But now it's cycle day 1 and I am back on the roller coaster ride. I have an appointment tomorrow morning at 7:30 am for a baseline scan and hopefully, the cyst is gone and I am ready to start a medicated IUI cycle. I've been having some strange trouble getting all of my meds here on time so it may be a bust for that reason but we'll see.

It was an interesting month off. My friend who offered her two embryos to us called and left a message saying that they had to make a decision about whether to keep their embryos on ice or not and did we think we would want them.

This was not the decision we were ready to make. These donated embryos were our last last last chance before adoption (which we are starting to look into). They were our far off option not our right now option. But here she wanted a decision. So, mh and I had a long talk.

I would like to use them. He would not. He feels that it would be weird since we know them to raise their child/ren. I agree, it would be weird, but it would be a chance for us to have some children from infancy. It is much cheaper than a donor egg. Plus we know the people and they are healthy and smart. Their other children are healthy and bright. But he is not comfortable with the idea so I had to gently turn down her offer.

Our last last last option is now off the table.

Now, back to the current option: medicated IUI. #5

I got nothing

and I mean nothing, to mention about my life of infertility. So, just passing the time, trying to exercise and enjoy not giving myself shots, and oh yeah, willing this cyst to go away. Actually, I'm not spending that much energy on the cyst. The first cyst consumed me and I swore I could feel it but this one, I am not paying no mind. It will go away and we will move on.

In the meanwhile, we registered with the County Adoption Agency and we can attend the first meeting/orientation to learn everything we need to know about adoption. Scary. Exciting. It seems that if you pursue adoption, you are likely to succeed. This is not the case with fertility treatments. Anyway, we are going to keep all options open. We want to be parents. We would prefer to be parents to our biological children but if that can't happen, we still want to be parents.

That's the news from today.

Out of Plimbo and onto the Bench

Cycle day 1 was yesterday. Went to the doc today expecting there to be something weird since it took so long for my cycle to start and last time this happened, things went awry.

I was right. The old cyst is gone but there is a new one. One of those 5 follicles from last time didn't want to go away. Must like my ovary. (Note to hanger on - get out of there sucka!)

So, I am benched for another month. Give my body time to get back on track for another cycle.

This is all getting old.

Is it called limbo*?

There's cd1 and an ultrasound.
Then, there's shots and shots and blood tests and more ultrasounds.
Then there's the IUI followed by what's called the 2 week wait and progester.one suppositories.
Then there's hpts followed by a blood test. (always negative in my case)
Then the order to stop the progester.one.

Then it is supposed to be cycle day 1 again.

What do I do with this time which is post beta and pre cycle day 1? I took my last progester.one on Monday. Now it is Friday. AF hasn't showed yet. I'm in a weird limbo. Happy that I am not sticking needles in my gut but wanting to get the show on the road. Also, last time this happened, it took 10 days for cycle day 1 to arrive and then I had a cyst. I am really hoping the same thing is not happening this time.

The only good part of this late arriving cycle is that I am visiting friends this weekend and I won't have to bring my medication and store it in their fridge, etc. That's one bonus.

Have a great weekend everyone.

**************************************************

Thanks to Vee - I now know that apparently it's called Plimbo (Period Limbo). I really wish I had thought of that myself!

4 Big Fat

negatives.

I spent the weekend in Mexico in a little house near the Pacific Ocean 16 miles down a dirt road: solar power for a few lights, no phone, no cell phone coverage, no TV, no newspaper, no Internet, but yes, home pregnancy tests (I brought them myself).

I tested once each and every day, giving that little blue line every opportunity to show. Alas, it did not.

I will still go in for the blood test tomorrow, just to make damn sure. I mean, can you really count on those hpts?

*********************************************
I really appreciate those of you who were willing to believe that 4 hpts could be wrong! But they weren't. The blood test was negative. I should have started on Sunday but I know it will be a few days since I was using progester.one and that delays my cycle. Hopefully, it will start sometine this week and I can give it another try.

And the result is...

sorry! I didn't poas yet (as I don't have any in house) and now I am getting ready to leave for a 4 day mini vacation where I will not have access to the internet.

So, I will bring some hpts and I will poas at some point over the weekend (holding out as long as I can) but I won't be able to let you all in on the results until I get back Monday evening. Sorry, the suspense is killing me, too!

For the record, I am feeling no suspicious symptoms - it is probably a bust but I'll test anyway.

Have a great weekend!

When am I going to POAS?

I know earlier in this cycle, I was full of bravado and ready to poas even before the actual IUI... well, now that I am on CD 11, I am feeling a little sheepish about the whole thing now and am not sure when I will poas.

Probably it will be sometime this weekend. My blood test is scheduled for Monday but I want to change it to Tuesday as we are going out of town. I think I will test Sunday. Or maybe Saturday. And perhaps even Friday??? CD 12 - is that too early? One bummer side effect of being on progester.one is that my cycle doesn't ramp up like it normally does. In an unmedicated cycle, I would start to have little spotting by now or at least this weekend. I would know that my cycle was starting and that the gig was up. When we were ttc on our own, I never even took a hpt because I always knew. AF was never late and was usually early.

But this is different. The last medicated cycle I had no spotting and actually my cycle started 10 days late! I took many hpts. It was hard to believe I wasn't pregnant with such a late period. I blamed it on the progester.one.

So now, I don't have any pms symptoms which may lead me to think I might be pregnant so I want to poas to confirm that suspicion but I also don't want this hopeful feeling to go away because of a bfn. See my dilemma? The hopeful part is so much better than the bfn part. This I know from experience. I don't know this from personal experience but I am pretty sure the bfp is pretty great. And so if I am going to get that, I'd like to know asap.

I don't have any hpts in the house now so it will take a proactive effort to get those suckers. Maybe I'll get them on the way home from work....

Freaky Progesterone Dream

I don't really remember all the details but I know it involved a centaur and someone shooting flaming arrows from a bow. It was like being stuck in the land of Robin Hood meets Narnia or something. My husband was the hero of the dream. What a guy!

The 2ww continues.

What Can I Say?

It's Tuesday and I don't have the blood test until Monday so I'm just trying the pass the time. Luckily, it's very busy at work so time flies while I am there.

It's funny, when I'm in the 2ww, I pay attention to every feeling, twinge, possible symptom in my body, usually convincing myself that I must be pregnant because I have never felt that before. And when, inevitably, my cycle starts, I realize that I was just feeling the same things I feel every month (and have felt every month for the past xx years) but I'm just paying extra attention.

I'm trying not to fall for that this time.

I will poas on Sunday.

Dreams and Waiting but not Dreams of Waiting

There's not much to say. I'm not even half way through the two week wait. I started the progester.one on Wednesday night and I have been having some weird weird dreams. They are like sci fi movies. Vivid interesting dreams and luckily not dreams about the two week wait (that would make for a really long night). I blame the dreams on the progester.one because normally my dreams are pretty mundane.

I'm trying to find ways to keep myself busy and occupied. Luckily, it's a busy time at work so the days go by quickly. Here's to a fast two week wait!

Where's the Romance?

Evolution of the IUI

The First IUI we had in January was as romantic as possible considering the circumstances: me, my husband, the doctor and the sperm filled catheter in an examination room. Mh and I went together in the morning and I waited while he went to the room to produce his sample. Then we waited nervously together in the waiting room until we were called to go in for the IUI. We held hands during the procedure and then stayed together in the room for 30 minutes, talking and resting. Then we went to a very nice lunch at a fancy restaurant, talking about our soon to be conceived child. We went home for the rest of the day and rested, cuddled, and hoped.

The Second IUI wasn't all that different though we didn't go to as fancy of a lunch. And in between the sample giving and the procedure we went to Trader Jo.e's to get some things we needed.

The Third IUI: Mh went down on his own in the early morning and then he came back to the house and when it was time, we drove in separate cars to the clinic. We went in together for the procedure, chatting pleasantly the whole time with the PA. We waited about 15 minutes and then went to lunch at a fast food Mexican restaurant. And then I went to work. I had a big project that I couldn't get out of.

The Fourth IUI (today): Mh went down early on his own, gave his sample, and then drove directly to his meeting which was two hours away. I went to work in the morning as usual and then snuck out at 11:00 am for the 11:30 IUI. I rested for 10 minutes, ate a peanut butter sandwich in the car, and then was back in the office by 12:30 - no one suspected anything. Is this what you call a quickie? We are having some frozen yogurt tonight to celebrate.

Anyway, the IUI seemed to go well. I start the progesterone on Wednesday and go in for the pregnancy test on the 30th.

Time for the 2 week wait.

Is it me or are men better at the whole wanding thing?

So far, I have been wanded by three females and two males. And by far the more comfortable experience was with the males. A new doctor at the clinic performed my ultrasound on Friday and as soon as he started, I noted that the men were much better than the women. The nurse who was there said that many people have said that. I'm curious - is it just at my clinic or have any of you notice this as well?

On other topics, I gave myself the trigger shot on Saturday night at 11:30pm and the IUI is on Monday at 11:30 am. It was such a relief to give myself that last shot. 3 shots a day was starting to get old. With the ganrel.ix, I was told to give it at the exact same time or a little earlier each day but never more than 24 hours apart. I decided to give it to myself 10 - 15 minutes earlier each day to be sure I didn't miss it. I didn't know I would have to give it to myself 6 times - which, if you have to start earlier and earlier each morning, pretty soon you have to set the alarm clock to make sure you (Normally, I don't use an alarm clock to wake up). I didn't want to ovulate my 5 follicles too soon. I took the last one at six am on Saturday.

Still hopeful about the IUI but mostly hopeful about the 5 even sized follicles. I was told that a lead follicle is a sign of "advanced maternal age" and so expected to always have one dominating the show. I guess we started early enough in the cycle with the right amount of meds. I also think it was good to take a cycle or two off (even though I only did that because of the cyst) so my body could have a break from the medications. If this cycle doesn't work, I may take another month off before I start medicated cycle again.

Off to bed so I can be ready for tomorrow.

Is it Too Soon to Poas?

I am starting to feel good about this cycle and I know that is a dangerous place to be. When it started I was not hopeful at all - just going through the motions since this is what I am doing with my life right now. I was dreading the start of my cycle because I didn't really want to go to the doctor again and get wanded and have blood drawn - since I skipped two long cycles, I had gotten out of the habit.

I didn't have to come late to work and sneak out for blood tests and take secret calls in the afternoon where I shut my door and whispered about medicines. I was just going about my normal life and even getting back to feeling normal.

Then last week it all started again. I did a lousy job with the shots - I have marks all over my stomach. I was late to a meeting at work. I screwed up ordering my medicine ( actually some of my meds expired from last time and I had to order them again). I've had three separate deliveries arrive on my porch in small Styrofoam boxes.

I am consumed by my fertility treatments. I went from 0 - 60 in just a few days.

But I've been sleeping, I've been relaxed, I haven't been hopeful.

Until today with the news of 5 even sized follicles. I know, there still has to be at least one good one in there but these are better odds than we've had. And if it doesn't work, at least my response to the meds is going in the right direction. The last 4 months have been a mess and I was starting to think this just wasn't going to work for me. That we couldn't even consider IVF because I would always have one lead follicle and not be able to generate more eggs. But these five follicles are something to talk about (which I did - I called my mother and bragged about them).

So, there you have it - I haven't even had the IUI, haven't felt odd twinges in my gut, there's no blue vein in my breast, I am not even the slightest bit queasy, I am not 13 pdo with no sign of af, - but I am ready to poas.

5 is the Magic Number

I have five nice sized follicles - all around the same size. This is great news - the last attempts I always had one lead follicle and it was hard (if not impossbible) for the others to catch up. All five were in one ovary - the other ovary has nothing going on.

I'll go back on Friday and hopefully have the IUI on Sunday or Monday. I will keep taking ganareli.x to stop me from ovulating along with the other two meds (gona.l f and hcg). 3 shots a day is a pain but well worth it if it works.

Yeah! So far, this cycle is going well.

Dirt vs. Western Medicine

First, the dirt on the dirt: I was wrong - the dirt wasn't from Guatemala - it is from New Mexico. It is from the Santuario de Chimay.o and it is called Blessed Dirt. Supposedly, two women who were having trouble getting pregnant rubbed this very dirt on their guts, said a little prayer, and the next cycle, you guessed it, they were pregnant. I have not had such luck though I did credit the dirt with eliminating (or greatly reducing) a cyst. I did try it again this month but as I am only on cd 8, I don't know if it worked... yet. If it does work, I'll send samples out to all who request it. It's easier than mailing needles through the mail.

Back to Western Medicine, I went to the doctor yesterday. I have 3 nice follicles on one side and I'm not sure what I have on the other side but no one seems worried so I'm not either.

I started ganarelli.x yesterday morning to stop me from ovulating early. Ganarelli.x really hurts going in and then it stings for about 30 minutes afterwards -has anyone else had that problem? I'm glad to give it to myself in the morning rather than in the evening with the other two shots. I will potentially have the IUI on Friday (which would be cd 11) but we'll know for sure on Wednesday when I go in for another appointment.

I am not hopeful for this cycle but I am a lot calmer and maybe that will help the cause. Last time I did an injectible cycle, I was really stressed out. I dreaded the shots everyday. This time, I haven't been a very good shot giver and I have bruises all over my stomach.

That's the update for now.

New Doctor New Plan

I went to the doctor yesterday. Seems like forever since I have been there. My doctor has left the practice to move back to his home state so I got a new doctor (there are only two at this practice). The new doctor was very nice and was disappointed in how things have gone for me over the past 7.5 months (I've only had 3 IUI) and she wants to get a handle on my situation. For that, I am extremely grateful.

My cyst is still there a little. So in addition to not helping me get pregnant, the dirt didn't really work on the cyst end of things either. But it is not producing estrogen so she thought it was ok to proceed since my other ovary was "pretty" (I swear, that's what she said). Many antral follicles and everything looked good.

She gave me two options:

-Start stimming tonight 300 gona.l f and then have an IUI when the time comes
or
-skip this cycle, come in in 2 weeks and then she would put me on estrogen, and then on the first day of my next cycle, stim at 450 gona.l f which is the max, and see how I do. If I have a lot of follicles, she will convert me to IVF. If not, we'll do an IUI again.

Mostly for $ reasons but also I want to see how I react to the drugs one more time before I bump up to 450, mh and I decided to go with the 300/IUI option. We can try the higher dosage next time if we want.

I have only actually done one full cycle of medicated IUI and the results were just fair so I want to see what happens this time with a slightly higher dose.

So, last night I was back at the shots. I don't like doing them and I had trouble falling asleep again. I need to get back on my swimming routine so I am exhausted by the end of the day.

That's the current news. I'll go back on Monday for another scan and bloodtest.

I hope everyone is well.

I don't think the dirt did its job

I'm back from vacation and it feels like af is about to arrive. I rubbed the dirt on my gut but perhaps it only works for cysts. But I'll try it again this month with the medication. I have my meds ready and as soon as af shows her face, I'll visit the Doc and hopefully, there will be no sign of the cyst and we can start another medicated IUI cycle.

Am I looking forward to it? No. Am I hopeful? No. Can I think of anything else to do to bring about a child in this household? No, not at this moment. If this one goes through, this will be the 4th IUI attempt. The fourth time isn't the charm but maybe it's the ... well, I can't think of anything. Maybe the fourth time is likely chance of success???

Anyway, I am feeling a bit melancholy. I am getting tired of all of this waiting around for something to happen.

Off to vacation

I'll be out of town for week on vacation. We're going to give the natural way a try (the timing is right) so I rubbed some dirt on my gut and said a quick healthy baby prayer. We'll see how that goes. A little less technical than shots but far easier to administer.

Have a great week everyone!

It's been a quiet week

I have been so relaxed this week compared to the past three weeks. I've been swimming on my lunch hour again, taking walks in the evening, sleeping through the night, and yes, sometimes I've caught myself whistling. I'm in a good mood! And all it took was that pesky Aunt Flo to show up - which is ironic because usually she puts me in a bad mood.

I was so worried that I ruined my body with fertility meds that having a normal period is a huge relief. I feel like I got myself back. In a few weeks, I'll start all over again which I must say, makes me nervous. Nervous that my cycle will be late because of the progesterone again, nervous that I'll get a cyst again, nervous that I'll lose 3 months of time again.

But in the meanwhile, I am carefree. Which is nice. I haven't been this person since we first met with the RE in December. I've missed this person.

I really want this fertility part of my life to be in the past and the parenting part of my life to be in the present.

Magic Dirt

It's weird to tell this story but here it goes. I had/have a cyst. It was really bugging me. I could feel it. My cycle was really late. I was starting to worry that the cyst was growing bigger and bigger and that my period would never start. I feared the cyst was turning into a tumor. The whole situation was starting to grate on me.

Rewind back a year. My sister in law gave me some dirt in a little platic container that came from some sacred place in Guatemala. Her friend gave it to her when she was having trouble getting pregnant and told her to rub it on her stomach. Yes, shortly after, she got pregnant. So she passed it on to me.

For some reason, I could never bring myself to use it during all this fertility stuff. I know, I'll give myself shots but won't rub a little dirt on my gut?

When I had reached my limit of patience on the cyst, I finally turned to the dirt. This would have been on cycle day 40 and the cyst was discovered on cycle day 18. So I had been worrying about that cyst for 22 days. I rubbed the dirt on my stomach and said, "cyst, please go away." From that day on, I didn't feel the cyst again. I knew it was going away. And then 6 days letter, my period started.

It's finally here - cd1

It took 46 days but I'll take it. I am so relieved.

About a week ago I stopped being able to feel the cyst so I was hoping that meant it was going away. Yesterday I started spotting and today full flow. I feel a great relief - the cyst and delay of my cycle was really causing a lot of stress to me. I didn't know what to expect and I was carrying all of the tension in my back and neck.

Phew. Now, just wait a month and then back to the RE.

Barren Bi*ches Book Tour

The Barren Bi*ches virtual book club read the book Waiting for Daisy by Peggy Orenstein. I highly recommend it and I am glad I read it.

Here are my answers to three questions:

You can tell from the title of the book that the author eventually becomes a mom. How did this knowledge affect you as you read? Were you hoping for a certain outcome -- unassisted pregnancy, medical miracle, child through foster or adoption...or possibly even dreading a happy ending? To what degree does your own experience filter into the unfolding of Orenstein's experience?

I was happy going into the book that it was going to have a positive outcome. That made it much easier to suffer through the trials and tribulations with her. I was actually hoping it was going to be an adopted baby from Japan. I guess I thought that those children really needed a home and that it would be a good fit her and her husband. I’m glad she got pregnant naturally, though, because as a 41 year old, that gave me hope. My story is not exactly like hers – I always wanted children, I just took too long to find that right guy to have them with.


Peggy Orenstein writes: "Swallowing that little white pill was the first time I did something I swore I wouldn't in order to get pregnant: I willingly put my health on the line." Do you believe you've put your health on the line by ingesting hormones, etc.? Is it a decision you'd make again for the chance to get pregnant? How far would you go? How strong has your primal urge been?

I always thought if I couldn’t get pregnant, we would just adopt. Just like that. I didn’t know much about adoption or fertility treatments but when it came time to make some decisions, it actually seemed much easier to try to get pregnant with a little help than to try adoption. Adoption seems very complicated while, initially, taking Clomid and then having an IUI did not seem like a big deal. It seemed like the less painful way to build a family. Honestly, I thought the first (or maybe 2nd) IUI would work. I didn’t think I would have to consider injectables but after two failed IUI’s, I wanted to put the best chance forward and what’s a few shots? Now that that hasn’t worked and my body is screwed up (I have a cyst), I find myself thinking of adoption again.

For the record, I am very willing to try IVF, I just don’t know that I am a good candidate for it so all options are on the table. I don’t think I will “just” adopt. I think it if we adopt, it will be a long and costly journey ( both financially and emotionally) but I think we are willing to go that distance to start a family.

Actually, a friend of mine has offered her two snowflakes. Our initial response was no, we would never do that – it would be too weird to have someone’s child that we know. But now, 6 months into this with the clock ticking (I’m 41), a donor embryo is an option and is ahead of adoption. It seems easier than adoption. It’s all frickin scary.


Peggy Orenstein writes that her first reaction to donor eggs was, "Using donor eggs was so Handmaid's Tale. Once again I thought, I'd never be that desperate for a child?" What was your initial reaction to the idea of donor eggs? Did your opinion change over time? If you were successful, would you tell your children that they were conceived using donor eggs? Why or why not?

Per my answer to the earlier questions, initially, donor eggs were off the table. I thought we would adopt before we would ever consider donor eggs. However, now, it seems like a viable idea. The baby would still be mh’s and we would have him or her from birth. This seems like an easier option than adoption. I know I keep saying that about adoption but I should disclose that tonight we are going to an adoption seminar (a “what you need to know”) hosted by RESOLVE. If we were successful, I would definitely tell my child when the time came though I don’t know that I would tell relatives and friends. I think the child has a right to know his or her heritage and the truth about his or her conception, particulary for medical reasons.



Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Kid by Dan Savage.

So I Did Call the Doctor

I wanted to ask them how long I should wait around for my cycle to start. I talked to the PA who found the cyst in the first place. She's very nice and knowledgeable. She said that if my cycle doesn't start in another week or 2(!), I could come in and they would do some blood work to see what my progesterone level is and depending on what they find, they could induce me to start my period some how. She asked if I was sure I wasn't pregnant. I guess 6 hpts could be wrong but I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant. I don't feel pregant (not that I know what it feels like but I do know what it feels like to not be pregnant and that's how I feel) ( except for the cyst which I swear I can feel).

So, I am going to sit on my hands until next Friday and if nothing has happened by then, I am going to go in for bloodwork. I have insurance so it should be covered and I want to know.

Anyway, that's the update.

Finders Keepers

I had the most vivid dream last night: At my work, we received a donated van (I work for a non-profit so that happens once in a while). It had been parked in a back parking lot for several weeks. A group of us went to go look at it. It was unlocked so I opened the door and went in and guess what I saw? A 6 month or so baby boy!! Just sitting there contentedly in a car seat. Someone had put him in there recently. I picked him up and was carrying him around. He clung to me; I clung to him. People were trying to hold him but I wouldn't let him go. As they were trying to figure out what to do, I was silently thinking, Finders Keepers.

The dream ended there but I know that I was going to do everything possible to keep that baby.

Cycle day What?

I didn't think they made cycles this long. Well, not in my past anyway. It is officially cycle day 38 with no sign of you know who. I don't know what to make of this and frankly I'm getting a bit concerned. What if the cyst is growing incredible large or morphing into something else?

Tomorrow, I am calling the doctor to see if they think I should come in. I think I would feel better with a little self-imposed wanding, just to know what is going on. I'm sure it is all fine and normal but actually, I don't know that it is all fine and normal. My period is 10 days late and I'm not pregnant. They said it might be late but no one said just how late.

Mh and I had a talk last night that when my cycle gets back on track and we are ready to try again, maybe I should go back to Clomid. On Clomid, I came up with 2 follicles. I still had regular length cycles and I had two cycles back to back. OK, both failed, but there was two chances in two months. With the injectables, assuming my cycle starts again soon, I will only have had one cycle in 3 months. We're losing time here. I know injectables are supposed to be better but I barely came up with 3 follicles last time and then my period was really late and then I got a cyst and now here we are.

All messed up and no where to go.

I don't feel good about complaining about this because I know there are folks out there who have had bad news lately and this is a minor problem. Like everyone, I just want to get to the part where all these stuff is worked out and I have a child to love - whether it is mine, a donor egg, or adopted. I just want to be at that point and these delays make it seem farther and farther away. I started this in December and I figured by now I would have either had success or know that it won't work out and have moved on to something else. 3 tries isn't enough.

Honestly, I've taken 6 hpt tests

Someone stop me. I am at cycle day 35 and no sign of a new cycle starting. I know it is likely that my period will be late because of the cyst but I can't help thinking that just perhaps I am actually pregnant and it is not the cyst.

I just came back after a nice weekend and I had to test one more time. I think I finally get it now - at day 35. I'll be patient. And just wait for that sucker to arrive. I just can't find any information about how late it might be. It's very frustrating.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, to report

I feel like I have temporarily left the infertile world. My period has not started yet (cd 30) and I have to take the next cycle off so there is not much I can do or worry about here. It's a bit freeing, I must say.

I don't know when my period will start - does anyone have any experience with ovarian cysts and delayed periods?? How long did it take your cycle to start?

I didn't realize how much the fertility stuff had taken over my life during the past 6 months. I was always in some part of the cycle that required monitoring or worrying or both. I used to swim every day just so I would be tired enough to sleep through the night. Otherwise, my mind would be racing all night with the possibilities.


Now, I am having no trouble sleeping; I feel less urgency to exercise. I thought I would spend this time getting in shape and taking good care of myself but frankly, I have been eating a lot of crap, not exercising very much, and having a few diet cokes.


This long weekend coming up, we will enjoy a trip to Mexico that I have been looking forward to and wasn't sure we would be able to go until the cycle got canceled. So, this is a nice reprieve. I'll take it and be ready for the next cycle.

Things Change

A month or so ago, I went to a meeting and sat next to a woman I have known casually for several years. I have never talked with her about anything personal. She was talking about her child and then asked me if I had any. I said no but we were trying. She said quietly, "my advice is to get to fertility doctor as soon as possible - don't wait." I told her we were already in treatments and then she revealed that her daughter was born through IVF. She asked how old I was and when I told her 41 she said, "great - you have plenty of time!" I was perplexed. I told her what I had done - at that point, I was on my 3rd IUI and then she told me her story.

She was 44 when she decided to try to get pregnant. She skipped IUIs and went straight to IVF getting pregnant on the first try. She had her daughter when she was 45. This was inspirational to me. If she could do it successfully at 44, I could do it now. I was on a high for a few days after talking with her.

So tonight, at an event, she sat right in front of me and there was her darling little girl (now 7). She didn't see me until the end of the event when she turned around. She looked me right in the eyes as if to ask how it was going. I didn't expect her to be there and so I wasn't prepared to bring my infertile self to this event. Immediately all my emotions from

• the cyst
• the three failed iuis
• the poor follicle response and
• the chance that IVF might not work for me

came flooding through me. I didn't want to talk to her. I wanted to run away from this topic. When we got a few minutes together, she asked how things were going. I told her. She was sad for me and let me know I could talk to her anytime.

She didn't do anything wrong but I left feeling depressed. The thing is, I associated this woman with

• success
• proof that it could happen
• inspiration
• hope

And now I associate her with my failure and lack of success.

Only because I saw her and she genuinely wanted to know how I was doing. And unlike with a person who doesn't know I am going through this, I had to tell her the truth. And the truth is depressing.

Oh well.

I feel better about the cyst

I got a little bent out of shape over the cyst but Chris at love, hope, and faith told me that she had one and that it went away in a few weeks. Her suggestion was that I take this cycle to take care of myself so that's what I am going to do.

I can go on a mini-vacation with my husband without worrying that it will have to be cancelled so I can go to the doctor. I can catch up on my exercising! I can relax. I am going to look into acupuncture and also get a massage during this month.

My mom couldn't understand why I was upset over the cyst and taking the month off. She insisted that since it was out of my control, I shouldn't stress about it.

I think what she doesn't get is that yes, it is out of my control, but the whole reason I am doing fertility treatments is that I WANT TO CONTROL the situation. I took drugs to gain control of my cycle and now I feel like I've totally lost control.

So, it is my challenge to myself to enjoy this month off and not see it as a failure but as an opportunity. Good luck to me.

Ode to a cyst

Why now?

Why not all those years when time didn’t matter
When the clock wasn’t ticking

I know you are benign
That you will go away

But you are bugging the crap out of me
I want you to be gone

So I can move forward

Are you sure it's not a baby? I asked

I started spotting yesterday and today there was actual flow. This is quite early - I'm only on cycle day 18. 2 cycles ago, I had a 19 day cycle so I figured that was happening again. I called the RE and scheduled an appointment for today. I didn't want to try to start a cycle but I wanted them to take a look and tell me what is going on. I went in armed with my calendar of my recent cycle lengths - it has been a crazy few months; before I started any treatments, I was extremely regular. Last cycle I had a big follicle on day 2 so I wanted to be sure that on day one (if this was day 1) that I had antral follicles and not grown ones. Last month I was out of whack and I was hoping that this month I would get back on track.

The PA saw me and we went over my recent cycles and the fact that this is quite early. She said the main reason would be a cyst. A little wanding and there we saw it - a big circle on my right ovary (the same ovary where I had the one leading follicle last month). She said, "it's a cyst alright" and I, ever hopeful, said "are you sure it's not a baby?" I mean, it looked just like the first ultrasound pictures of a developing fetus. A black circle in a bunch of fuzzy gray. I had one second of hope when I saw the ultrasound and then I realized that that was a silly thing to think.

My lining still looked thick so she surmised that this is bleeding from the cyst and not my period. It did come on rather quickly and didn't feel like normal first day. And true enough, tonight, there is no more flow. She said that I will probably get my period next week. But meanwhile, I am definitely benched for the month.

Of course I came home and checked in with dr. google and it seems that gon.al f can lead to cysts. It should go away on its own in a few weeks or a month or two. As far as I know, this is the first cyst that I have had. I can't remember any bleeding like this in the past. It's all a little disconcerting. As I am often reminded, at 41, I don't have a lot of time to be sitting on the bench. I need to get back in the game.

On the other hand, I haven't started my period so we can't say for sure that I am not pregnant. My breasts don't hurt any more, though, so I have a feeling that this cycle is a bust.

Past performance is no indicator

I was so proud of my darn tomatoes and saw them as a sign of the fertility of the whole household here. Well, when I came home today, I saw that my star performer, the only one that had already turned red, had been pecked to pieces by a bird.

Crap. Can't anything grow to fruition around here?

On another topic, or perhaps it is the same topic, I am in the 2ww of our natural cycle. I think our timing was good and hey, since we are hoping to get pregnant via IUI at this point, why wouldn't we hope to get pregnant the old fashioned way (or the natural way as my doc calls it). I mean, it's the same (albeit unwashed and uncounted) sperm and the same good or bad egg. All we're hoping for here is one good egg to meet with one good sperm. It could happen, people.

Like they say on those mutual fund ads, past performance is not an indicator of future performance. Our "did not get pregnant on our own" past does not mean we will not get pregnant on our own this time.

And besides, my breasts are sore which they never were before I started taking fertility meds. And I'm off the meds now.

Nurturing Nature

When I first met mh, I had a ficus plant that I'd owned for years. It was small and measly, in a charlie brown christmas tree kind of way, but it was alive and I liked it. MH was horrified that it wasn't flourishing. I had never transplanted it from the pot it came in. He thought with a bigger pot, a little fertilizer, and some care, it would grow much bigger.

So, when we married and moved to a place with a yard, he transplanted it into a bigger pot and placed it outside. He cared for it and sure enough, it flourished. It grew and grew and we had to transplant it again into an even bigger pot. It became a ficus tree. It was beautiful - full of leaves and growing tall. I regret that the tree died in the frost we had this past winter but it served as a symbol for us.

A symbol that I am not very nurturing.

I love plants but if we go on vacation, I don't find someone to water then while we are gone. So, I may plant some tomatoes or basil and care for them for a while and then we go on vacation and when we come back, they are dead or nearly dead.

Not this year. I am determined to be a nurturing plant owner. Assuming of course, that it will transfer over to my womb. I have planted tomatoes again. 4 plants in all. I water them. I add miracle grow. I make sure they get enough sun. I check on them every morning and every evening. I count the budding tomatoes as if they are follicles. "Look", I cry, "now there are 17!" I am proud as if I created them myself.

This year, I will not abandon my tomatoes. I will tend these plants carefully, religiously.

Because I need these tomato buds to become ripe, healthly tomatoes.

Who was I kidding?

Of course we are going to try on our own this cycle. We can't give up the idea of conceiving naturally entirely just because we are getting some treatments on the side.

Besides, I wouldn't know what to do with myself during the 2wnw (2 week non wait). It would be entirely too boring.

I've been benched

I went to the doc for an ultrasound to see what is going on with my ovaries. There was, like two days ago, one giant one and a few very small ones. No way the small ones are going to catch up in time. I should ovulate within five days. And I'm only on cycle day 4. They suggested I save the medicine and take the month off.

Frankly, I'm pleased with this plan. I want to keep moving foward but this has been a bizarre cycle so far and I'd like to start with a clean slate, body willing. The way my body is acting is a sign of aging but I think the drugs are partly to blame. I'd like to try to get back to normal and then try again.

I'll go back to the doc on cycle day one which should be in 19 days. That's a pretty short cycle. Meanwhile, we can try on our own. It's funny that it seems like he is giving us permission to try on our own. Like, oh, we never would of thought of that. Though, actually, there's a part of me that doesn't want to try so I can be worry free the rest of the cycle - not wondering/hoping that maybe, just maybe, we got pregnant on our own... and then anxiously waiting for the results. I'd like to be stress free and then have a good next cycle.

shots in the dark?

I started the shots last night and it wasn't bad at all. Barely noticed them. I gave them to myself while sitting on the couch next to the dog. I guess you could say that I've gotten used to them. It's the gan.arelix that is really irritating but I don't have to start that yet.

I'm curious about the appointment tomorrow. My body seems so out of wack this cycle I can't imagine that bodes well for making a baby. On the other hand, it never worked when things seemed to be very normal so maybe this is the abberation we've been waiting for...

Note to self: remember to ask the doc about the results of the blood test tomorrow.

Not the news I was hoping for

Before I get to the main topic, what does it mean that I carry around a pair of socks in my purse for those days I have an ultrasound and I am wearing sandals? (socks just make me feel less exposed - as if my bare feet are more precious than my bare you know what).

Anyway, I went to the doc and here's the deal:

He was not happy that my period took 20 some days post ovulation to arrive. He thought it could be a sign of a persistent cyst. Regarding the progesterone, he said that my cycle should have started a day or two after I stopped taking it (which was 11 days ago). So, he took a look with the wand and he didn't see any cysts. But he did see a large follicle (12x13) in one of my ovaries and then a bunch of small ones. This is unusual for cycle day two but he said it is a sign of the m-word. I told him he could use the word and he called it peri-menopause. The lead follicle will mature early and quickly because of something to do with fsh (and I don't know but somehow it is too strong or not strong enough - if anyone knows the scientific part of this, let me know). This may be what caused my 19 day cycle last time (unmedicated). He thought my lining was a bit thick for day two.

So, he didn't want me to wait a month to see if my cycle could get back to somewhat normal. He said that at age 41, it may never be normal so we should proceed. If the lead follicle inhibits the other follicles from growing, we'll just cancel the IUI and he said we could have sex and try on our own (what a guy!).

He wants me to start stimming tonight and then come in on Friday to see how things have progressed. He also ordered a blood test and I had to go to a different lab because it is some test they don't do there at the clinic. I should have written down what the test was because now I have no idea.

I asked him about my options for IVF and he said that this same problem would occur with an IVF cycle and so he didn't think it would have a very good chance. But, he said we could do a cycle where I stim at higher doses and see how many follicles come up and of there are 8 - 10, we can convert to IVF. Even with 8 -10 he doesn't think there is a great chance because so many of the eggs will be bad and we'd have to have the few good one fertilize, implant, etc. The one good thing about IVF is that we would get more information. But I don't know if it is worth $10,000...

Overall, not a great meeting but we are going to keep trying. For now. Shots tonight.

I forgot to mention the one piece of good news - I have lost 6 lbs since they last weighed me in December.

Let It Flow

Finally! Cycle day one arrived yesterday! I am so relieved. I go to the doc today for an u/s and hopefully will start the meds tomorrow evening. We've decided this is our last IUI and then we will go for IVF. I am going to talk to the doc about that today. At our first consultation he said he thought I was a good candidate for IVF based on my age, etc but now that he knows how I respond to the meds, he may have a different idea. In some ways I'm afraid of IVF as it is the last option. If it doesn't work once and maybe twice, at that point, we'll give up on the bio baby idea. I'm open to a donor egg though that seems very complicated (though probably not as complicated as adoption). And then here is the $ to consider. My insurance doesn't cover IVF so this will be out of pocket.

Anyway, first things first, today I am going to have the ultrasound and see how many antral follicles are ready for the next round. I'll try to worry about the rest of that stuff in a month...

I won't keep saying it

I won't keep saying "assuming it starts tomorrow" because apparently, that is never the case. The darn thing has not yet arrived and I'm deliberating between waiting patiently for its arrival and calling the doctor and asking him what the heck he did to my system.

So, this is 22 days post IUI/ovulation. I'm enjoying the stim free week but honestly, I'd like to feel normal and get back on the program already.

Self-Imposed Infertilty

When I read the other blogs, I feel so bad for the young women (and I mean anyone in their 20's or 30's). I didn't really try to get pregnant until I was well into 38. I can't help but feel that my infertility is age related and thus my own damn fault. It's not as if I never heard of the biological clock. I just figured I would be able to conceive since I was a "young" 38. I have always been very healthy and had regular periods. And then there is my cousin-in-law who got pregnant at 42 and my sister in law who got accidentally pregnant at 44. I was only 38 so surely it wasn't too late for me. But it seems it was.

I was finally convinced at 40 (I'm a slow learner) to go to a futility ( I mean fertility - was that a Freudian slip? I hope not) clinic. After all of the tests, where everything seems fine - including nice ovaries according to the doc - the final diagnosis is "old eggs". The doctor says he won't do IVF unless I can come up with at least 10 eggs. During my last injectible/IUI cycle, I could barely come up with 3. They were hoping for 5 or 6 but I seem to get a lead follicle that won't get out of the way which, I am told, is a sign of aging.

Did I miss a 20 year window of fertility? Couldn't it be just a little longer? It does seem like a fair enough window but perhaps there could be exceptions made. I mean, I wasn't just sitting around eating bon bons avoiding starting a family. Well, technically, I was avoiding starting a family but it was because I was busy leading my life. I just assumed the marriage/family deal would fall into place at some point. I went to school, joined the Peace Corps, went to work, went to grad school, went back to work, dated various and sundry men but none that I wanted to marry. Until I met mh and it did fall into place. I knew from the first date that we would be together, that we would marry and start a family. Why did we have to meet so late? That wasn't very good planning on my part.

So here I am, 41 and without children. I don't know that I was fertile when I was younger. I assume that I was, though as my friend points out, I don't know that. But I can't help but feel that this infertility was self-imposed. And I don't know what to do with those feelings.