Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Cycle math

Today is day one. It was a 30 day cycle - is that good news? I'm not sure. Last month, it was 22 days. So, take the average and we are at 26 days which is my normal (at least before I started pumping drugs into my body).

I'm going to call the doctor today and delay starting the IVF cycle. I'm feeling good about that decision except the minor detail that at age 41, I probably shouldn't delay much... what can 26 more days do? Expel that last good egg?

Have a great Thanksgiving everyone! We'll be road tripping all over the state of California - those of you in CA, I'll see you on the 5!

Monday, November 19, 2007

What it is: Fear

I've been feeling ambivalent about this upcoming IVF cycle. Scared might be a better word. I've been anticipating my cycle day one arriving, and thus a phone call to the doc to start birth control for about 2 weeks. This would put the Egg Retrival and Embryo transfer to finish up just before Christmas.

I've found myself secretly hoping that cd1 would start after Tuesday and then it will be too late to get to the doctor as we are going out of town Tuesday evening and won't be back until Sunday.

My normal cycle (though I'm not sure I have those anymore) lasts about 26, maybe 27 days. I thought AF would have arrived on Friday or Saturday but here it is Monday, CD 29, and she is not here yet.

I'm afraid to start the IVF cycle for several reasons:

1. The holidays are coming. We have a zillion family, work, and social obligations over the next few weeks. Every weekend is booked as are many weekday evenings. We have to travel to family events and shop for gifts. We're hosting a few events at our house. It's looking to be a stressful few weeks.

2. I am not feeling physcially at optimum condition. I've been slacking off on exercising and not eating very well the last month or so

3. We are going away for a week after Xmas to my dad's place in Mexico - on the coast, very relaxing, friends closeby - it's a wonderful place to rest and rejuvinated. I feel like after a week there, I'll be ready for IVF. If I wait one more cycle, AF should arrive before Xmas and then I would be on BcP for at least 2 weeks which would bring me into the New Years.

4. For 2008, I can sign up for my company's flex health saving plan and will be able to pay for part of the IVF costs with pre tax money which will mean some cost savings

5. The last and probably most important: I'm scared it will fail. The likelihood of success are slim and I'm not sure I'm ready to face this final BFN. I don't know why I think I will be more ready to face it in January but I have a feeling that once the holidays are over, I'll be ready to handle more.

DH and I talked about it last night and he agreed that we should wait. He had been thinking on his own that the holidays were busy and stressful enough without adding in an last chance IVF cycle. I felt relief when he said that because he has always been the one who wanted to keep moving forward and not miss chances, etc.

So, that's our decision unless AF arrives and I miraculously feel ready to start.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

What is a Micro Flare?

Click here to learn:

Micro-Flare Study

I didn't know either though it looks like I am a good candidate.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

IVF - here we come?

I went to the doctor yesterday for my post-op appointment. She showed me some very bizarre (interesting?) photos of the inside of my uterus. She had showed them to my husband the day of the surgery (I was still out of it) and all he said was that it looked like a balloon with some discoloration in parts of it. Well, he's color blind and it's not his uterus so I figured when I got to the see the photos, I would have more to say about it. But frankly, it looked something like a balloon and there was some parts that were discolored and the good doctor eliminated the parts that were discolored. That's the simplest (and only) description I can give you.

It was a fibroid tumor.

Oh, and the cells were all benign. Phew.

I'm so glad it is over and in the past. Now, the future:

Our current plan is to start with an IUI that will hopefully convert to IVF - assuming I can come up with enough eggs (the doctor would like to see 15.)(15!) As soon as I start CD 1, which should be this weekend, I'm to call them and then I will go on birth control pills for 2 weeks. After that, we'll do an Micro Flare (I don't know what that is but I'll let you know as soon as I find out) for 2 days and then it is a little like the regular medicated IUI's I've been doing. I'll do 450 of gona.l f which is the maximum.

If I don't come up with enough follicles, we'll do another iui and if I do come up with enough, we'll do an egg retrieval, isci, and you know the rest. And that will cost us about $10,000. The money scares me a bit. I know I've gotten off easy with the past 5 IUIs because we've only had to pay about $500 each one. Now, it's really going to hurt financially.

Also, I think it may hurt emotionally, too. This is our last chance with my eggs. If we convert to IVF and it doesn't work, it's back to the drawing board. If we aren't able to convert to IVF, then we know we will never do IVF. And the doctor is soon to cut me off of IUIs. So, we are going to put our resources to this effort. If we don't do it, we may have a lifetime of regret and if we do it, we just might (pray for us) wind up with a baby.

That's the news for tonight. I hope all are well.

Take Care,


Saturday, November 10, 2007

Blog Blahs

I've been having mixed feelings about the blogging business lately. I started reading blogs when I needed inspiration and to feel like I wasn't the only one going through this. At first, I would find someone who had gotten pregnant and maybe even already had their baby and then go back and read their whole blog to learn their whole story. I knew it had a happy ending so I would read and be inspired. When I came upon someone that was not yet successful, I would skip to another blog. I did this for a week or so.

And then I found some folks who were, like me, maybe a little older than the average infertile, and, who, like me, were right in the middle of their story. I began reading them and commenting and sharing their journey. I was invested and praying for them to have a happy ending as it might mean that I, too, would have a happy ended. I began my own blog.

But I have to say, sometimes this shared journey is darn depressing. It's not inspirational. It's devastating. To follow someone who struggles for months or years to get pregnant and then read about her having a m/c is so sad. It's overwhelming sometimes. I find myself limiting the number of people I follow because there is so much heartbreak.

I wish I could fast forward to all of our happy endings and then read back with the knowledge that there was a happy ending. But that's not the way it works. We have to live through it in real time.

This infertile business is not for the weak of heart. Sometimes I don't think I'm brave enough for it. It's one thing to give yourself shots in the gut and feel brave and able to take on anything but it's another thing altogether to endure the emotional heartbreak that IF throws at us day in and day out.

I feel like writing this which sounds so odd: I've been lucky that I haven't gotten pregnant. Because then I didn't have to lose it.

Anyway, this is a highly depressing post. Sorry about that. I'm feeling better and mostly back to normal. I go to the doc on Tuesday to hear for myself what they found and how/when I can proceed from here. We're going away for a few days to relax and recover.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Home for the day

It feels so nice to have that surgery over. I know I worried about it far more than necessary but I can't help it. I'm a worrier through and through. I am a real baby when it comes to medical or dental stuff. That's probably why it took so long for me to see an RE when it was evident that we weren't getting pregnant the old fashioned way.

I go to the doc next week on Tuesday for a post-op and then to make our next plans. Before the surgery, we talked briefly of the plan to do a suped up medicated IUI that may have a chance to turn into an IVF cycle if I can create enough follicles. The doctor agreed that they will be our next step. I don't know if we can start in November on my next cd1 or if we will need to wait one more cycle. December sounds good to me, too. I'd like to get started this year.

I've been resting all day today. I probably could have gone to work but I got permission to work a half day from home so I am still in my jammies. I am getting work done but it's nice to have a quiet day and not have to get dressed, drive, and interact with a bunch of people.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

All done

The surgery is over - god bless anesthesia! I conked out when the doctor said "I'm just going to give you something to relax you a bit... then he said take five deep breaths" and next thing I knew, I woke up in the recovery room.

My surgery was scheduled for 9:30 am and the anesthesiologist told me it would probably take 30 minutes unless they found something somewhat complicated and then it could take an hour or more. When I woke up in the recovery room, the clock on the wall said 11:30. I immediately, in my groggy way, said, "did it take 2 hours??" I thought that they must have found something unexpected. The nurse laughed and apologized - they hadn't changed the clocks back yet so it was actually 10:30 am. Whew.

It was a fibrous cyst - though that is via DH and I'll hear the full report next week from my doctor.

Over all, the staff at the hospital were wonderful and I couldn't have asked for a better experience.

I am now resting at home. I have a little spotting but I was told to expect that. I'm just glad it is over and now I can get back on with trying to have a baby.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Q & A

The question is: will this surgery to remove whatever it is growing in my uterus improve my chances of getting pregnant?

The answer is: no one knows. The doc won't go on record saying that this is what has prevented me from getting pregant. If it's all about the eggs, it doesn't matter what is or isn't growing in my uterus.

DH is convinced this will improve our chances. My sister-in-law got pregnant after having something (albeit, something different) removed from her uterus - so there is precedent.

For the record, my official opinion on the subject is that removing whatever it is will absolutely improve my chances. (Since no one know for sure, I'll take the most optimistic side)(No reason to be negative about the whole thing).

I'm not proud - I'll take hope from where ever I can get it.