Friday, February 29, 2008

What's Going on in the Egged household? Angst

It's a difficult place. The decision has been made by the brain but the heart is taking time to fall in to step. I know that donor egg is the best way to go, the most reasonable, the most likely to succeed, a way to start our family (which is our goal),etc. But I am delaying taking the next step. I need to call the doctor and set things up. We've picked our donor. We have a plan for the $30,000 or so it will cost (holy crap that's a lot of money). The doctor is just waiting for us to say go.

What is going on? I'm on pause. I'm just sitting with the emotions. One thing that is making this extra difficult for me is that we decided not to tell anyone our plan just yet. Once the word is out that we are using a donor egg, there is no getting it back. A secret is not a secret after you tell someone. We may well tell folks but for now, we're not sure how we will do it and we want to be in control of the information. Don't worry, we will tell the child. It's just a matter of whether or not to tell my family.

So, to honor our agreement to not tell anyone just yet, I have not told my two closest friends nor my mom. And these three people have been very supportive of me during all of this fertility stuff. And I am finding it very hard not to tell them about the donor egg plan. I think I need their emotional support during this time. I am sure they will be supportive (well, I'm not 100% sure of my mom). So I feel like I am hiding something from there AND it would be nice to share about this with someone other than DH and the blog world. I think that would help me move forward.

I think I'm going to talk to DH about telling my two best friends. I know there is a chance that they will blab it to others. Even if they promise not to. Argh.

Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I haven't disappeared from blog land. I'm just hit the pause button for a while.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Talk about roller coaster

This whole egg donor thing is it's own personal rollercoaster. With the elation of "yeah! I found a solution to my problem", there is the "holy crap, the child won't be biologically related to me" and all the emotions that come with that.

It's weird. I have always considered adoption an option for us and indeed, we will go that way if the egg donor plan doesn't work. When you adopt, you don't try to pick your replacement. You don't ask the eye color and smile size of the birth mom. Hell, many people adopt children of different races. So why do I feel compelled to find my "replacement". My match in education, coloring, height, disposition, etc. I guess because most people will assume that the child is from my egg - why would they guess otherwise?

Sometimes I think we should try one more time with my eggs - but we tried "one more time" last time and I didn't come up with enough follicles to do IVF. So what would be different - and why spend that extra $10,000 just to fail again? And then yesterday I was talking to my friend and she said she began peri-menopause at age 43. I am soon to be age 42. So that makes me want to just get on with getting pregnant and don't delay with all these other options. We have a decent option with a donor who seems like a good match - I just need to set it up already.

I haven't been waivering but I have been thinking and thinking about what it means to potentially give birth to a child who is not biologically related to me. This is a situation I never thought I would have to comtemplate.

It's stressful. We have a friend in town all this week and weekend so we are not going to do anything until she leaves. So this is the contemplation week. The idea of the big smile donor is really growing on both of us and probably we will initiate the process next week. I've looked into some financing and we can afford it - it's like buying a new car (which we did last summer).

Anyway, I guess I am surprised at the amount of deliberation I am doing on the topic of a donor egg. I thought it would be a lot smoother for me emotionally, especially since it's been on the table for a few months now.

I hope all are ok. Take care,


Sunday, February 10, 2008

I've been tagged

And this is a nice diversion from all of my fretting and worrying about this whole donor egg situation. It's not as easy as I thought it would be. I'm guessing it is easier to choose donor sperm (though I may be wrong - correct me if I am) as it is already there and you don't have to worry about whether or not you will get the amount of sperm you want or need or feel you are paying for. OK, I'll save this for another day.

In the meanwhile,

Here are the rules:
1) Link to the person who tagged you
2) Post the rules
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself
4) Tag at least three people
5) Make sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did

I was tagged by Carrie who just had some great news!! Yeah!

1. I hate having wet hair on my neck. I was a competitive swimmer through my childhood and even swam two workouts a day during high school and I still can't stand a wet neck. Today, I use one of those hair wrap thingies after I shower or swim - even at the gym.

2. I have 7 brothers and no sisters. And no, it was not all that fun. I always wanted a sister. And now I feel guilty that I want to have a daughter. I will love a son, I know, but I just feel that I should get to have a girl in my life and not always be surrounded by men. I know - I don't "get" to have a son or a daughter and I'll be damn happy with whomever shows up.

3. We have a pet rabbit who roams free. She goes in and out the doggie door, hangs out in the fire place (when there's no fire), and goes to bed when we do sleeping either under my night stand or in the corner where she keeps an eye on us. Yes, she's potty trained.

4. I am just getting back into sewing. As a kid, I sewed a lot of my clothes but I didn't sew for years. Today I made a whole bunch of new covers for our throw pillows in our living room. Very satisfying.

5. For years and years, I kept a diary but never really wrote the whole truth because I always feared someone would read it and I didn't want them to think badly of me. I like the anonymity of this blog though I do censor sometimes though no one I know reads it, not even DH, though he is welcome to. (He may read it without telling me but I doubt it. Hey, DH, if you are reading this, let me know.)

6. I eat peanut butter on wheat bread every day for lunch. No jam, no jelly. Just peanut butter. I have eaten this for years. I love it as it is easy to make, easy to carry ( I can throw it in my purse), easy to eat, and I think it tastes great. It makes all of my colleagues crazy. They can't believe I eat the same thing everyday. Good thing they don't see what I eat for breakfast!

Whew, that was harder than I thought.

I tag

I know I am supposed to tag 3 but it seems most have already been tagged.

Have a great week everyone.


Friday, February 8, 2008

That was overwhelming

I thought that the decision to use an egg donor was the hard part. Boy, did I have that wrong.

DH and I met with the doctor today to officially declare our interest in using an egg donor. She was pleased with the decision - I guess because she wants us to be successful. She outlayed the logistics of the whole thing and answered our questions and then gave us The Book. The Book with the potential donors.

Talk about overwhelming. First, there were about 30 to choose from. About half we immediately ruled out because they were of a different race. I want the baby to at least have a chance of being taken as my own bio child. Then we scoured the remaining 15. Some were very short (I am 5'6" - not super tall but it would be nice to have someone within a few inches). Some had some things on their little bio that for whatever reason didn't appeal to us - like one had a boob job. I don't really care if she had one but I am a really down to earth person who rarely wears make-up so we both ruled her out.

Then we narrowed it down to about 5. All were in the same ball park of height, weight, race, coloring, etc. So we had to dig a little deeper. Some had college degrees, others didn't. I don't think that a college degree necessarily indicates intelligence but I have a master's degree and from the information we had, a college degree (or in the process of getting one) is the only way to gauge intelligence. Believe me, I know plenty of college grads that aren't all that smart... But we decided to throw that in the mix of our criteria for making a decision.

Oh, I forgot to mention that there was pictures! I didn't expect that at all. And frankly, the photos complicated the decision. For example, there was one who just looked like a nice person. DH was drawn to her immediately. She looked nice and friendly, she was about the same height and coloring, but she doesn't have any college education and she won't be available until July or August (2 others have already "reservered" her. I didn't expect that kind of complication).

Then there was one who had a big smile. I have a big smile. It's a family trait. I immediately thought that if our child had that smile, everyone would immediately say she looks like me or like my family. This donor has a college degree and she is a little taller than me. Her ethnic background matches mine: Irish/German. What's the hold up, you may be wondering? She is from out of state. If we chose her, it would cost an additional $4,500.

All and all, we are looking at roughly $30,000 for this opportunity. What we want out of it is at least one pregnancy and a few embryos on ice so if it all works, we can have a sibling from the same donor. They will tell us if the donors have done it before and what their results were. I am not willing to go with a first time person. It is too expensive to risk only getting a few eggs. There was one donor that looked like a good fit but she wrote that her cycles only last 21 days. That raised a red flag to me as it seems a bit short and I'm not convinced she would do well. The cycle length may not matter at all but I ruled her out just for that. Was that a bad idea?

We spent about 2 hours at the doctor's and then decided we were overwhelmed and had to leave. I don't know why I thought it would be easy. We made a list of our top picks and left. We will sleep on it for a few days or a few weeks or a few months - however long it takes - and then decide later.

Once we decide, assuming the donor is ready to start, we can start within 6 weeks! Wow! That's fast. DH and I talked more at lunch and decided that no matter how overwhelming and stressful this is, it will be worth it when (not if) we start our family.

I did also tell DH that we should try on our own this month because who knows, we just may get lucky and spare ourselves all of this trouble ... Wishful thinking, huh?

Thursday, February 7, 2008

At Times I Waiver

At times I waiver on this egg donor decision but then something happens and my resolve returns.

Yesterday, a friend announced her second pregnancy. Yes, I'm happy for her. But yes, I'm pissed that I'm not that person. My other very close friend got married about 6 months before me, she is a year or so younger than me, and she already has two children - and the youngest is 1 years old!

I want to have children. That's the issue. I don't want to futz around anymore with trying to get some follicles, hoping my eggs are good, etc. I don't care about that anymore. I just want to get on with it. I'm ready to have a child in my life. I'm over ready, actually. So, a donor egg seems to be a great way to make this happen.

So, I'm going in to my meeting with the doctor tomorrow very resolved. Though I still want to take a month or two off...

Monday, February 4, 2008

It's Official

It's negative and we have an appointment with the doctor on Friday to discuss the whole egg donor thing and even look at their books of donors from which to choose.

I am on one side really excited that we might do something that has a chance of actually working and on the other side a little bit paralyzed with the realization that if we have a baby, it will not be genetically linked to me and all of my past ancestors. I know it doesn't really really matter. I mean, if someone dropped a baby on my doorstep tonight, I would claim it as my own and raise it up without a thought. I would love that child. I know intellectually I would love a donor egg child, too, but there's that part of me that is sad about it. And I don't know if that will go away. I suppose it will. I am just having to grieve this a bit.

DH wants to start the DE cycle asap but I think I'd like to wait a few months and let myself mentally and emotionally prepare without the hassle of doctor appointments, etc. The doc says it usually takes 2 or 3 months to get everything organized.

Anyway, I do feel good about having some options and moving on from the roller coaster. Or, as I told my doctor, it wasn't much of a roller coaster since it only went downhill...

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Six reasons why I think it's headed for a BFN

10dpo am - BFN
11dpo am - BFN
11dpo pm - BFN
12dpo am - BFN
12dpo pm - BFN
13dpo am - BFN

I didn't bother to test 13dpo pm. I can spot a trend when there is one.

I'm starting to regret that I bought those internet pee sticks. I normally buy then at RiteAid and they cost about $10 for 2. So, as a frugal person, I am very sparse with my pee stick use - waiting until 13 and 14 dpo only. With a stash of pee sticks, it's very hard to resist poas.

My blood test is tomorrow, which I will still do. Mainly so I can check in with the doctor and see about setting up an appointment to discuss a donor egg IVF cycle.

It's been a depressing weekend. We spent the night in a nice hotel and all I could think about was how much more fun it would have been it I had gotten a BFP. I was pretty sulky and not much fun. The superbowl was fun to watch, though.

Stay tuned for the donor egg drama.