Me. I need to fess up. I haven't written here in ages because things have, well, gone to hell in handbasket. That's a nice way to put it. Since this was a fertility blog and then became an adoption blog, I wasn't sure where this news fit in so I just avoided blogland altogether.
My husband left me.
Just a few days before the home visit from the social worker. Who I could not call off as it was a Monday first thing in the morning appointment. So I explained why he wasn't home and then just cried. I asked her to close our case.
It's been three months. I am doing better now but, needless to say, the last few months have totally sucked.
I don't know what I am going to do parent wise. I am seeing my therapist and he is helping me sort through everything and figure out what to do with the rest of my life.
I didn't think this would happen. I thought we were in it for the long term.
Sorry for the bummer news. Just wanted to explain what happened.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
!
We are still plodding along. Sorry for the silence.
The adoption process is not like cycling - now 2 week bursts of activity, emotion, doctor visits, numbers to report, etc. There seems to be no pattern to the adoption process - things happen on their own time and I have no idea when the end date is.
As we are adopting through the county foster/adoption program, we need to become licensed foster parents. We attended the orientation 2 weeks ago and were surprised that they said we would have a home visit in 30 - 45 days from the foster licensing worker. You see, while we have cleaned out our guest room somewhat, it is no where near being a child's room. So, I spent the past weekend clearing everything out of that room (it was our ironing room, art room, storage room, and guest room). Steamed cleaned the carpet. So. Now we have an empty room. Still not a child's room.
Our next task is the scary one. Making it look like a child's room. We haven't been approved - yet to be approved, we have show that we are ready for a child or two. We need a crib. We need a changing table and dresser. It seems too real and too hopeful to acquire these items. I dread having a child-ready room sitting in our house months before we are even approved for adoption. I understand that they want us to be ready. I want to be ready. But I'd rather get ready after we were approved.
On the other hand, I get to shop for a child's room! I have no idea if we are talking about a boy or girl, a 6 month old or a 3.5 year old, one or two, etc. That makes it a big challenging. I'm going to try to borrow the big items from family members in case we don't need them.
Well, this is where we are. Still plodding along.
The adoption process is not like cycling - now 2 week bursts of activity, emotion, doctor visits, numbers to report, etc. There seems to be no pattern to the adoption process - things happen on their own time and I have no idea when the end date is.
As we are adopting through the county foster/adoption program, we need to become licensed foster parents. We attended the orientation 2 weeks ago and were surprised that they said we would have a home visit in 30 - 45 days from the foster licensing worker. You see, while we have cleaned out our guest room somewhat, it is no where near being a child's room. So, I spent the past weekend clearing everything out of that room (it was our ironing room, art room, storage room, and guest room). Steamed cleaned the carpet. So. Now we have an empty room. Still not a child's room.
Our next task is the scary one. Making it look like a child's room. We haven't been approved - yet to be approved, we have show that we are ready for a child or two. We need a crib. We need a changing table and dresser. It seems too real and too hopeful to acquire these items. I dread having a child-ready room sitting in our house months before we are even approved for adoption. I understand that they want us to be ready. I want to be ready. But I'd rather get ready after we were approved.
On the other hand, I get to shop for a child's room! I have no idea if we are talking about a boy or girl, a 6 month old or a 3.5 year old, one or two, etc. That makes it a big challenging. I'm going to try to borrow the big items from family members in case we don't need them.
Well, this is where we are. Still plodding along.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Thank you TV
DH has been dragging his feet when it comes to filling out the 30 question autobiographical form. My gentle nudging was not doing the trick. Finally it came out that he was really hoping for the donor embryo to come through for us.
Oh.
So, we had a nice talk about keeping both pathways open. The adoption process takes so long that I don't want to lose time waiting for a donated embryo and then hoping that it will work. Because frankly, I'm not feeling that optimistic about 1) getting an embryo and 2) getting pregnant with said embryo.
I want to keep moving forward on the adoption plan.
So, what's a girl to do to more than gently nudge DH? TV
I recently discovered a show called Adoption Stories. It is on weekday mornings from 6:30 - 7 am. I have never asked him to watch it but every morning this week, he has sat down and watched with me. Of course, they always show a happy ending and they don't dwell on the approval process. It's been great because we then talk about the family and their experience. They have had all types of adoption - infant, international, older child, and today the featured a foster family who adopted two children.
This show is the perfect inspiration for us. I don't say this often, but I am grateful for TV.
Oh.
So, we had a nice talk about keeping both pathways open. The adoption process takes so long that I don't want to lose time waiting for a donated embryo and then hoping that it will work. Because frankly, I'm not feeling that optimistic about 1) getting an embryo and 2) getting pregnant with said embryo.
I want to keep moving forward on the adoption plan.
So, what's a girl to do to more than gently nudge DH? TV
I recently discovered a show called Adoption Stories. It is on weekday mornings from 6:30 - 7 am. I have never asked him to watch it but every morning this week, he has sat down and watched with me. Of course, they always show a happy ending and they don't dwell on the approval process. It's been great because we then talk about the family and their experience. They have had all types of adoption - infant, international, older child, and today the featured a foster family who adopted two children.
This show is the perfect inspiration for us. I don't say this often, but I am grateful for TV.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
The first chunk of the adoption papers have been sent in
Wow. It took more gumption to fill out those forms that I would have anticipated. But they are in and with this, we have signaled to the social worker our intent to keep moving forward in this process. She was probably wondering what happened to us.
I called the RE and told her (well, I told the receptionist to please tell her since she wasn't there) that we would turn down this opportunity for the triple split donor situation for both emotional and financial reasons. Surprisingly, I am OK with it. I would like to have another try at a donor egg but right now, $12,000 is seeming like a whole heck of a lot of money to "try" again. It if didn't work, the pain (financial and otherwise) would be too much to bare. Right now, it is safer to say no.
Later, if we are feeling stronger emotionally and more solvent financially, we may give a situation like that a try. But not now. We can't take it.
I don't know what I feel any more. Exasperated and exhausted, I guess. Better than heartbroken and depressed...
I called the RE and told her (well, I told the receptionist to please tell her since she wasn't there) that we would turn down this opportunity for the triple split donor situation for both emotional and financial reasons. Surprisingly, I am OK with it. I would like to have another try at a donor egg but right now, $12,000 is seeming like a whole heck of a lot of money to "try" again. It if didn't work, the pain (financial and otherwise) would be too much to bare. Right now, it is safer to say no.
Later, if we are feeling stronger emotionally and more solvent financially, we may give a situation like that a try. But not now. We can't take it.
I don't know what I feel any more. Exasperated and exhausted, I guess. Better than heartbroken and depressed...
Thursday, January 15, 2009
This is how it goes for us
I've been in a funk. You may have noticed by my last post just sitting there for more than a month. That's what I've been doing. Sitting there. Looking at a box of adoption papers but not even taking them out to pretend to start working on them. Stuck. I even gained 5 pounds due to my lethargy.
My best friend gave me a good tongue lashing telling me to get off the fence. She has done this several times but this one finally worked. I took a half day from work on Monday and came home, got out the adoption paperwork, and worked on it. I retyped the autobiography questions so we could answer them on the computer, I filled out the easy forms, and basically got a lot done. Let me tell you, it felt great.
The next day, I went to the gym for the first time in months. I took the dog for a walk after work. I started listening to music on my ipod instead of the news. I felt happier than I have in a long time.
DH and I have been arguing a lot about money. Our fertility loan payment ($500 per month for 7 years!) has stressed our monthly budget a bit so we spent time calculating how we can cut some luxuries here and there, pay it down faster, and find a way to get out of debt AND buy a house this year.
We decided that this upcoming three day weekend, which is our 5 year anniversary, we won't go on the trip we planned. To save money, we'll do fun things in our area like see movies, go to coffee shops, walk the dog, and, in between all of that, we'll finish our autobiographies for the adoption paperwork (30 essay questions each on our childhood, parenting plans, relationship, etc. ). We were both looking forward to a fun and productive weekend.
If this was a movie, this is where the upbeat sound track would kick in. The couple is finally getting in sync and the everything is groovy. They are moving toward something positive in their future. It doesn't hurt that we have been having incredible weather here lately (sorry to those who live in other areas but San Diego has been having weather in the low 80's).
Most of this happened on Monday and Tuesday of this week.
Then come Wednesday and what happens? (The soundtrack will come to halt and maybe with the sound of a car braking to a complete stop.) The RE called me on my way to work. The RE herself. My first thought was that they had an embryo to donate. Regular Egged readers will know that that is not my luck.
My luck is this: she asked if we wanted to go in on a triple split donor egg IVF. The donor has donated 3 times previously and each time she has produced over 30 eggs. There are two other couples already in and they want a third. We will get 1/3 of the eggs. Likely, that will be 10.
The cost? Roughly $12,000 once everything is done. They want to do this in the next couple of months.
Are you freaking kidding me? This call could not have been timed worse. Why couldn't we have had this offer before we tried the $30,000 donor egg?
Before we were totally broke.
Before we were totally hopeless.
I talked with DH about it last night and he was speechless at first. How many decisions to we have to make. He just doesn't believe it will work. 10 eggs is what we got from our egg donor last time. And we ended up with nothing but debt and heartbreak. He is certain that if we try this, we'll end up the same way. He is inclined to say no.
I am a little more optimistic (only from reading other blogs and knowing that it actually does work sometimes. DH doesn't read blogs so most of his knowledge is from our experience which has been one BFN after another).
So, there we are. I am not getting back on the fence. I am continuing on with the adoption paperwork.
I have to call the RE today or tomorrow and tell her our decision.
I am still going to the gym today and I already walked the dog.
My best friend gave me a good tongue lashing telling me to get off the fence. She has done this several times but this one finally worked. I took a half day from work on Monday and came home, got out the adoption paperwork, and worked on it. I retyped the autobiography questions so we could answer them on the computer, I filled out the easy forms, and basically got a lot done. Let me tell you, it felt great.
The next day, I went to the gym for the first time in months. I took the dog for a walk after work. I started listening to music on my ipod instead of the news. I felt happier than I have in a long time.
DH and I have been arguing a lot about money. Our fertility loan payment ($500 per month for 7 years!) has stressed our monthly budget a bit so we spent time calculating how we can cut some luxuries here and there, pay it down faster, and find a way to get out of debt AND buy a house this year.
We decided that this upcoming three day weekend, which is our 5 year anniversary, we won't go on the trip we planned. To save money, we'll do fun things in our area like see movies, go to coffee shops, walk the dog, and, in between all of that, we'll finish our autobiographies for the adoption paperwork (30 essay questions each on our childhood, parenting plans, relationship, etc. ). We were both looking forward to a fun and productive weekend.
If this was a movie, this is where the upbeat sound track would kick in. The couple is finally getting in sync and the everything is groovy. They are moving toward something positive in their future. It doesn't hurt that we have been having incredible weather here lately (sorry to those who live in other areas but San Diego has been having weather in the low 80's).
Most of this happened on Monday and Tuesday of this week.
Then come Wednesday and what happens? (The soundtrack will come to halt and maybe with the sound of a car braking to a complete stop.) The RE called me on my way to work. The RE herself. My first thought was that they had an embryo to donate. Regular Egged readers will know that that is not my luck.
My luck is this: she asked if we wanted to go in on a triple split donor egg IVF. The donor has donated 3 times previously and each time she has produced over 30 eggs. There are two other couples already in and they want a third. We will get 1/3 of the eggs. Likely, that will be 10.
The cost? Roughly $12,000 once everything is done. They want to do this in the next couple of months.
Are you freaking kidding me? This call could not have been timed worse. Why couldn't we have had this offer before we tried the $30,000 donor egg?
Before we were totally broke.
Before we were totally hopeless.
I talked with DH about it last night and he was speechless at first. How many decisions to we have to make. He just doesn't believe it will work. 10 eggs is what we got from our egg donor last time. And we ended up with nothing but debt and heartbreak. He is certain that if we try this, we'll end up the same way. He is inclined to say no.
I am a little more optimistic (only from reading other blogs and knowing that it actually does work sometimes. DH doesn't read blogs so most of his knowledge is from our experience which has been one BFN after another).
So, there we are. I am not getting back on the fence. I am continuing on with the adoption paperwork.
I have to call the RE today or tomorrow and tell her our decision.
I am still going to the gym today and I already walked the dog.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
That threw me for a loop
I have sunk into a depression.
Going to the RE and being given the chance to be on the embryo donation list has messed with my emotions and my resolve.
There we were, going along with the foster/adoption plan. Attending classes, reading books, meeting with the social worker. Anticipating the child/children that might come to us. Learning about attachment issues. Feeling confident with our plan. Fertility issues behind us.
But hey, how about embryo donation? When you start thinking about it, how can you not veer towards it? A baby that I would give birth to. A baby that no court could take away from us later on. A baby that we would have from day one (actually, it could be a five day transfer so from day five of fertilization plus the time it spent frozen. OK, for argument's sake, let's just say day one).
This option is more agreeable than the foster adoption plan. We would be matched with the embryo, send a lawyer some money, the embryos would be legally ours, and any resulting child would be ours with no worry that someone would take him or her away from us.
It's like we have come to a screeching halt in our adoption plans. We haven't turned in the next set of papers. We haven't gotten our physicals. We haven't given up but we've lost our momentum.
I want to keep moving forward on both plans. It's just hard not to hold out hope for the possible donated embryo. And this has sent my emotions into overload. I find that DH and I talk much more about the embryo donation path than the adoption path. The embryo donation may not happen. It may not work (remember, I didn't get pregnant with a donor egg). We need to have plan B in place. Did I just admit that embryo donation is plan A? I guess I did. I don't want to wait another 6 - 12 months only to find that it didn't work.
So, I need to come up with the energy (emotional and otherwise since it's a lot of paperwork, meetings, classes, etc) to keep pursuing adoption.
Argh.
Going to the RE and being given the chance to be on the embryo donation list has messed with my emotions and my resolve.
There we were, going along with the foster/adoption plan. Attending classes, reading books, meeting with the social worker. Anticipating the child/children that might come to us. Learning about attachment issues. Feeling confident with our plan. Fertility issues behind us.
But hey, how about embryo donation? When you start thinking about it, how can you not veer towards it? A baby that I would give birth to. A baby that no court could take away from us later on. A baby that we would have from day one (actually, it could be a five day transfer so from day five of fertilization plus the time it spent frozen. OK, for argument's sake, let's just say day one).
This option is more agreeable than the foster adoption plan. We would be matched with the embryo, send a lawyer some money, the embryos would be legally ours, and any resulting child would be ours with no worry that someone would take him or her away from us.
It's like we have come to a screeching halt in our adoption plans. We haven't turned in the next set of papers. We haven't gotten our physicals. We haven't given up but we've lost our momentum.
I want to keep moving forward on both plans. It's just hard not to hold out hope for the possible donated embryo. And this has sent my emotions into overload. I find that DH and I talk much more about the embryo donation path than the adoption path. The embryo donation may not happen. It may not work (remember, I didn't get pregnant with a donor egg). We need to have plan B in place. Did I just admit that embryo donation is plan A? I guess I did. I don't want to wait another 6 - 12 months only to find that it didn't work.
So, I need to come up with the energy (emotional and otherwise since it's a lot of paperwork, meetings, classes, etc) to keep pursuing adoption.
Argh.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
We are on the embryo donation list but it doesn't make us feel any better
I called the RE yesterday and asked to be put on the embryo donation list. She said that we are number 6. That is shorter than I expected. She said it would be at least 6 months. That's about the same amount of time it will take us to go through the adoption stuff so I'm sure there will be some heart wrenching decision waiting for us in 6 months.
We are undecided about trying IUI again. Why bring more disappointment into our lives. Sure, I could do and just assume it won't work and then if it does I'll be overjoyed. But we all know how it works. Hope gets in there and there is no way to get through a BFN with out being hugely disappointed, no matter how much you expected it to fail.
DH is getting depressed. So am I. We just want something that will work. Not a foster adopt situation that may end up with a child going back to his or her birth parent. Not an IUI that probably won't work. Not an embryo donation that, let's be honest, probably won't work. We want something to work. We're willing to work hard to get it but we need it to work. We don't need to spend 6 months on paperwork and invasive interviews only to have a child get yanked from our loving arms. We don't need to wait for this precious donated embryo, fork over $5,000, put all of our hopes into it, and then have it not work. We don't need these situations.
Are we asking for a miracle here?
Is wanting to be a parent asking too much of the world? It feels like it sometimes. As DH said this morning, can't we call in a chit at this point? We're good people. He's a teacher, I work for a non-profit. We both served in the Peace Corps. We recycle. We don't drink and drive. We pick up our dog's poop when on a walk. We give to the poor. We turn off the sprinklers when it rains. We use compact florescent light bulbs. We vote. We voted no on prop 8. We pray. We've been model citizens working for the betterment of our community and our world. Doesn't any of that count?
We are undecided about trying IUI again. Why bring more disappointment into our lives. Sure, I could do and just assume it won't work and then if it does I'll be overjoyed. But we all know how it works. Hope gets in there and there is no way to get through a BFN with out being hugely disappointed, no matter how much you expected it to fail.
DH is getting depressed. So am I. We just want something that will work. Not a foster adopt situation that may end up with a child going back to his or her birth parent. Not an IUI that probably won't work. Not an embryo donation that, let's be honest, probably won't work. We want something to work. We're willing to work hard to get it but we need it to work. We don't need to spend 6 months on paperwork and invasive interviews only to have a child get yanked from our loving arms. We don't need to wait for this precious donated embryo, fork over $5,000, put all of our hopes into it, and then have it not work. We don't need these situations.
Are we asking for a miracle here?
Is wanting to be a parent asking too much of the world? It feels like it sometimes. As DH said this morning, can't we call in a chit at this point? We're good people. He's a teacher, I work for a non-profit. We both served in the Peace Corps. We recycle. We don't drink and drive. We pick up our dog's poop when on a walk. We give to the poor. We turn off the sprinklers when it rains. We use compact florescent light bulbs. We vote. We voted no on prop 8. We pray. We've been model citizens working for the betterment of our community and our world. Doesn't any of that count?
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