Tuesday, December 9, 2008

That threw me for a loop

I have sunk into a depression.

Going to the RE and being given the chance to be on the embryo donation list has messed with my emotions and my resolve.

There we were, going along with the foster/adoption plan. Attending classes, reading books, meeting with the social worker. Anticipating the child/children that might come to us. Learning about attachment issues. Feeling confident with our plan. Fertility issues behind us.

But hey, how about embryo donation? When you start thinking about it, how can you not veer towards it? A baby that I would give birth to. A baby that no court could take away from us later on. A baby that we would have from day one (actually, it could be a five day transfer so from day five of fertilization plus the time it spent frozen. OK, for argument's sake, let's just say day one).

This option is more agreeable than the foster adoption plan. We would be matched with the embryo, send a lawyer some money, the embryos would be legally ours, and any resulting child would be ours with no worry that someone would take him or her away from us.

It's like we have come to a screeching halt in our adoption plans. We haven't turned in the next set of papers. We haven't gotten our physicals. We haven't given up but we've lost our momentum.

I want to keep moving forward on both plans. It's just hard not to hold out hope for the possible donated embryo. And this has sent my emotions into overload. I find that DH and I talk much more about the embryo donation path than the adoption path. The embryo donation may not happen. It may not work (remember, I didn't get pregnant with a donor egg). We need to have plan B in place. Did I just admit that embryo donation is plan A? I guess I did. I don't want to wait another 6 - 12 months only to find that it didn't work.

So, I need to come up with the energy (emotional and otherwise since it's a lot of paperwork, meetings, classes, etc) to keep pursuing adoption.


Tuesday, December 2, 2008

We are on the embryo donation list but it doesn't make us feel any better

I called the RE yesterday and asked to be put on the embryo donation list. She said that we are number 6. That is shorter than I expected. She said it would be at least 6 months. That's about the same amount of time it will take us to go through the adoption stuff so I'm sure there will be some heart wrenching decision waiting for us in 6 months.

We are undecided about trying IUI again. Why bring more disappointment into our lives. Sure, I could do and just assume it won't work and then if it does I'll be overjoyed. But we all know how it works. Hope gets in there and there is no way to get through a BFN with out being hugely disappointed, no matter how much you expected it to fail.

DH is getting depressed. So am I. We just want something that will work. Not a foster adopt situation that may end up with a child going back to his or her birth parent. Not an IUI that probably won't work. Not an embryo donation that, let's be honest, probably won't work. We want something to work. We're willing to work hard to get it but we need it to work. We don't need to spend 6 months on paperwork and invasive interviews only to have a child get yanked from our loving arms. We don't need to wait for this precious donated embryo, fork over $5,000, put all of our hopes into it, and then have it not work. We don't need these situations.

Are we asking for a miracle here?

Is wanting to be a parent asking too much of the world? It feels like it sometimes. As DH said this morning, can't we call in a chit at this point? We're good people. He's a teacher, I work for a non-profit. We both served in the Peace Corps. We recycle. We don't drink and drive. We pick up our dog's poop when on a walk. We give to the poor. We turn off the sprinklers when it rains. We use compact florescent light bulbs. We vote. We voted no on prop 8. We pray. We've been model citizens working for the betterment of our community and our world. Doesn't any of that count?