Monday, November 19, 2007

What it is: Fear

I've been feeling ambivalent about this upcoming IVF cycle. Scared might be a better word. I've been anticipating my cycle day one arriving, and thus a phone call to the doc to start birth control for about 2 weeks. This would put the Egg Retrival and Embryo transfer to finish up just before Christmas.

I've found myself secretly hoping that cd1 would start after Tuesday and then it will be too late to get to the doctor as we are going out of town Tuesday evening and won't be back until Sunday.

My normal cycle (though I'm not sure I have those anymore) lasts about 26, maybe 27 days. I thought AF would have arrived on Friday or Saturday but here it is Monday, CD 29, and she is not here yet.

I'm afraid to start the IVF cycle for several reasons:

1. The holidays are coming. We have a zillion family, work, and social obligations over the next few weeks. Every weekend is booked as are many weekday evenings. We have to travel to family events and shop for gifts. We're hosting a few events at our house. It's looking to be a stressful few weeks.

2. I am not feeling physcially at optimum condition. I've been slacking off on exercising and not eating very well the last month or so

3. We are going away for a week after Xmas to my dad's place in Mexico - on the coast, very relaxing, friends closeby - it's a wonderful place to rest and rejuvinated. I feel like after a week there, I'll be ready for IVF. If I wait one more cycle, AF should arrive before Xmas and then I would be on BcP for at least 2 weeks which would bring me into the New Years.

4. For 2008, I can sign up for my company's flex health saving plan and will be able to pay for part of the IVF costs with pre tax money which will mean some cost savings

5. The last and probably most important: I'm scared it will fail. The likelihood of success are slim and I'm not sure I'm ready to face this final BFN. I don't know why I think I will be more ready to face it in January but I have a feeling that once the holidays are over, I'll be ready to handle more.

DH and I talked about it last night and he agreed that we should wait. He had been thinking on his own that the holidays were busy and stressful enough without adding in an last chance IVF cycle. I felt relief when he said that because he has always been the one who wanted to keep moving forward and not miss chances, etc.

So, that's our decision unless AF arrives and I miraculously feel ready to start.


Mrs. B said...

I'm glad that you and your DH both agree on tkaing a break. It always sucks when one does and one dosen't. Good luck!!

K said...

I'm soooo with you. R and I just made the same exact decision recently. This will likely be our last cycle too, and I knew I couldn't bear the emotion and stress of it during thanksgiving and christmas. i'm already dreading january though. most infertiles are chomping at the bit to start the next cycle, have the next chance. maybe it's because i feel like we're at the end of our rope that I'm dreading it so much......the next two months are starting to feel like a stay of execution.

Chris said...

I'm glad you have decided to wait until after the holidays. IVF brings so much pressure with it that if you can avoid as many other pressures then all the better. It is scary to go down this path, but it helps to know that it is your best opportunity and it isn't really the end of the road, even if it feels like it.