Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Off to vacation

I'll be out of town for week on vacation. We're going to give the natural way a try (the timing is right) so I rubbed some dirt on my gut and said a quick healthy baby prayer. We'll see how that goes. A little less technical than shots but far easier to administer.

Have a great week everyone!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

It's been a quiet week

I have been so relaxed this week compared to the past three weeks. I've been swimming on my lunch hour again, taking walks in the evening, sleeping through the night, and yes, sometimes I've caught myself whistling. I'm in a good mood! And all it took was that pesky Aunt Flo to show up - which is ironic because usually she puts me in a bad mood.

I was so worried that I ruined my body with fertility meds that having a normal period is a huge relief. I feel like I got myself back. In a few weeks, I'll start all over again which I must say, makes me nervous. Nervous that my cycle will be late because of the progesterone again, nervous that I'll get a cyst again, nervous that I'll lose 3 months of time again.

But in the meanwhile, I am carefree. Which is nice. I haven't been this person since we first met with the RE in December. I've missed this person.

I really want this fertility part of my life to be in the past and the parenting part of my life to be in the present.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Magic Dirt

It's weird to tell this story but here it goes. I had/have a cyst. It was really bugging me. I could feel it. My cycle was really late. I was starting to worry that the cyst was growing bigger and bigger and that my period would never start. I feared the cyst was turning into a tumor. The whole situation was starting to grate on me.

Rewind back a year. My sister in law gave me some dirt in a little platic container that came from some sacred place in Guatemala. Her friend gave it to her when she was having trouble getting pregnant and told her to rub it on her stomach. Yes, shortly after, she got pregnant. So she passed it on to me.

For some reason, I could never bring myself to use it during all this fertility stuff. I know, I'll give myself shots but won't rub a little dirt on my gut?

When I had reached my limit of patience on the cyst, I finally turned to the dirt. This would have been on cycle day 40 and the cyst was discovered on cycle day 18. So I had been worrying about that cyst for 22 days. I rubbed the dirt on my stomach and said, "cyst, please go away." From that day on, I didn't feel the cyst again. I knew it was going away. And then 6 days letter, my period started.

Friday, June 8, 2007

It's finally here - cd1

It took 46 days but I'll take it. I am so relieved.

About a week ago I stopped being able to feel the cyst so I was hoping that meant it was going away. Yesterday I started spotting and today full flow. I feel a great relief - the cyst and delay of my cycle was really causing a lot of stress to me. I didn't know what to expect and I was carrying all of the tension in my back and neck.

Phew. Now, just wait a month and then back to the RE.

Monday, June 4, 2007

Barren Bi*ches Book Tour

The Barren Bi*ches virtual book club read the book Waiting for Daisy by Peggy Orenstein. I highly recommend it and I am glad I read it.

Here are my answers to three questions:

You can tell from the title of the book that the author eventually becomes a mom. How did this knowledge affect you as you read? Were you hoping for a certain outcome -- unassisted pregnancy, medical miracle, child through foster or adoption...or possibly even dreading a happy ending? To what degree does your own experience filter into the unfolding of Orenstein's experience?

I was happy going into the book that it was going to have a positive outcome. That made it much easier to suffer through the trials and tribulations with her. I was actually hoping it was going to be an adopted baby from Japan. I guess I thought that those children really needed a home and that it would be a good fit her and her husband. I’m glad she got pregnant naturally, though, because as a 41 year old, that gave me hope. My story is not exactly like hers – I always wanted children, I just took too long to find that right guy to have them with.

Peggy Orenstein writes: "Swallowing that little white pill was the first time I did something I swore I wouldn't in order to get pregnant: I willingly put my health on the line." Do you believe you've put your health on the line by ingesting hormones, etc.? Is it a decision you'd make again for the chance to get pregnant? How far would you go? How strong has your primal urge been?

I always thought if I couldn’t get pregnant, we would just adopt. Just like that. I didn’t know much about adoption or fertility treatments but when it came time to make some decisions, it actually seemed much easier to try to get pregnant with a little help than to try adoption. Adoption seems very complicated while, initially, taking Clomid and then having an IUI did not seem like a big deal. It seemed like the less painful way to build a family. Honestly, I thought the first (or maybe 2nd) IUI would work. I didn’t think I would have to consider injectables but after two failed IUI’s, I wanted to put the best chance forward and what’s a few shots? Now that that hasn’t worked and my body is screwed up (I have a cyst), I find myself thinking of adoption again.

For the record, I am very willing to try IVF, I just don’t know that I am a good candidate for it so all options are on the table. I don’t think I will “just” adopt. I think it if we adopt, it will be a long and costly journey ( both financially and emotionally) but I think we are willing to go that distance to start a family.

Actually, a friend of mine has offered her two snowflakes. Our initial response was no, we would never do that – it would be too weird to have someone’s child that we know. But now, 6 months into this with the clock ticking (I’m 41), a donor embryo is an option and is ahead of adoption. It seems easier than adoption. It’s all frickin scary.

Peggy Orenstein writes that her first reaction to donor eggs was, "Using donor eggs was so Handmaid's Tale. Once again I thought, I'd never be that desperate for a child?" What was your initial reaction to the idea of donor eggs? Did your opinion change over time? If you were successful, would you tell your children that they were conceived using donor eggs? Why or why not?

Per my answer to the earlier questions, initially, donor eggs were off the table. I thought we would adopt before we would ever consider donor eggs. However, now, it seems like a viable idea. The baby would still be mh’s and we would have him or her from birth. This seems like an easier option than adoption. I know I keep saying that about adoption but I should disclose that tonight we are going to an adoption seminar (a “what you need to know”) hosted by RESOLVE. If we were successful, I would definitely tell my child when the time came though I don’t know that I would tell relatives and friends. I think the child has a right to know his or her heritage and the truth about his or her conception, particulary for medical reasons.

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Kid by Dan Savage.

Friday, June 1, 2007

So I Did Call the Doctor

I wanted to ask them how long I should wait around for my cycle to start. I talked to the PA who found the cyst in the first place. She's very nice and knowledgeable. She said that if my cycle doesn't start in another week or 2(!), I could come in and they would do some blood work to see what my progesterone level is and depending on what they find, they could induce me to start my period some how. She asked if I was sure I wasn't pregnant. I guess 6 hpts could be wrong but I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant. I don't feel pregant (not that I know what it feels like but I do know what it feels like to not be pregnant and that's how I feel) ( except for the cyst which I swear I can feel).

So, I am going to sit on my hands until next Friday and if nothing has happened by then, I am going to go in for bloodwork. I have insurance so it should be covered and I want to know.

Anyway, that's the update.

Finders Keepers

I had the most vivid dream last night: At my work, we received a donated van (I work for a non-profit so that happens once in a while). It had been parked in a back parking lot for several weeks. A group of us went to go look at it. It was unlocked so I opened the door and went in and guess what I saw? A 6 month or so baby boy!! Just sitting there contentedly in a car seat. Someone had put him in there recently. I picked him up and was carrying him around. He clung to me; I clung to him. People were trying to hold him but I wouldn't let him go. As they were trying to figure out what to do, I was silently thinking, Finders Keepers.

The dream ended there but I know that I was going to do everything possible to keep that baby.