Friday, September 28, 2007

PLIMBO - the Part I Really Don't Like

I had a negative blood test on Monday. My last progesteron.e was on Sunday evening. AF has not yet arrived. Last time, it took over a week after stopping the progerston.e to show up. I'm in Plimbo (period limbo) and it makes me think I have messed with my body just a little too much.

As I start taking the meds, have the IUI, go through the 2ww, I am intensively aware of what is going on with my body. How many follicles in each ovary and what size, when I ovulate, when implantation might occur, when an accurate result might show up on a hpt. And then I have the blood test and now, 5 days later, I have no frickin clue as to what is going on with my body. I am just in Plimbo. Do I have a cyst? 5 cysts? What is taking AF so long to show up?

I probably have a cyst. I am assuming that as I've had them after every medicated cycle. I don't know how long it will take for AF to arrive but meanwhile I have ugly brown spotting. I feel like something is wrong. I never feel that way during the first 28 days of the cycle but the next days/weeks, I feel bad. Not hopeful. Not freeing. But "something is wrong and I don't know how to fix it".

I am more patient this time. I am not continuing to poas just to make sure the blood test was correct. I am calmer about it. But still, I don't like it. I like it when my body works like clock work. 28 day cycles (though for the last year or two, they have been 26 or 27 day cycles).

This is where I am today - still mulling over the donor egg option but feeling crappy about my body.

I hope all are well.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

I don't know

I was so excited about the egg donor possibilities (mostly the 70 - 80% success rate) on Monday but now I am waning a bit on the idea. DH wants to keep trying with IUIs, figuring that we have only recently gotten to the point of a good number of follicles (8 last time) and that if we are able to get 8 or more follicles 2 or 3 more times, then he will feel we have given it a really good go. I do agree in principle but the thought of 3 more failed IUI cycles exhausts me. Especially since I seem to have a cyst after each medicated cycle so I only do an IUI every other month. We're talking about 6 more months. A donor IVF cycle has a much higher chance of success and will save months of anguish.

However, I am starting to dwell on other things besides the chance for a take home baby. I am thinking that I won't look in that child's face and see me in her or him. My child won't share that certain something with his/her 10 first cousins. I was an athlete while growing up - maybe my child won't be athletic. I have had excellent health my whole life - haven't had a sick day from work in years - I'd like to pass that on.

I know if we adopt, which is an option we are exploring, the same will be true. And I won't have carried the adopted child in my body, won't be able to breast feed, etc and so this donor egg child offers something to me more than adoption.

As I write this, I am thinking that I need process this more and give sufficient time to grieve about the fact that I may not have a bio child and then move on to the option of donor egg. DH may be right - we should be sure that we have given it a solid effort to have a baby with our genes before jumping on to donor egg. It's so alluring - that chance to be done with this part of my life and on to parenting. That's what I want - to be a parent. Yes, I want my child to be part of me - to have my big (some would say big ass) smile and thick hair but more important, I want to have a child.

Why are there so many frickin decisions to be made? I should appreciate the fact that we have options as I know couples decades ago did not have options like we have now but getting to the point where we have a child is sure more complicated than having sex and getting pregnant. That seems like a cake walk. This is a walk over coals. It hurts but I know we'll get through it.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Donor Eggs?

I went for my blood test this morning and then had a brief chat with the PA about donor eggs - how hard was it to find a donor, etc. She said that it was easy to get an egg donor - that they have 8 or so on file that I could chose from. If I didn't like any of those eight, I could use an agency ( I almost wrote eggency!) to find some one that met my requirements.

The most important thing that she said was that there is a 70 - 80% success rate with donor eggs - even at my age! This was music to my ears. This sounds interesting! I know it costs significantly more to use a donor egg but the odds are so much better that I think it is a better financial investment.

I am really excited and have a new hope for the possibility of having a child.

I never thought I would get to this point but here I am - seriously considering it.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

It's official - BFN

Well, not totally official - that will be via the blood test tomorrow but I'm not holding out any type of hope for a reversal of fortune here.

I was very sad this morning and yesterday when I saw that it was most likely going to be negative but I have to say that I feel better now. Knowing the result is worth a lot. I was anxious the last two weeks, carrying around the weight of wondering, hoping, planning, etc and now that is off my shoulders. I am not happy with the answer - I would rather be celebrating and planning and jumping for joy right now - that would be a fun experience - but knowing has value and being in that limbo period is tough on the ol' emotions.

What next? I don't know. This was the 5th IUI and frankly, at age 41, I may have to admit that my eggs are not all they are cracked up to be (and they are only cracked up to be about 20% good so that's not saying much). We could try IVF since I have now met the threshold of 8 follicles in one cycle (that's the number my doc said I have to come up with to make IVF even a little bit worth it) OR we could keep trying IUIs just hoping that one of the good eggs will finally make an appearance OR we could look into a donor egg.

Not being able to make this decision on our own, I am going to set up a consult with the good doctor and get her input on this situation. If my chances with IVF using my own eggs are close to null, then maybe I should do IVF with a donor egg instead and save money/emotions/time. I don't know what to do.

I want to start my family. The anxiety of wondering when/how that is going to happen is excruciating. I don't want to keep the option open that we won't have children. We both want children. We want to be parents. IVF with a donor egg may be the way to make that happen. Adoption is another way that it may happen.

So, here I am - not quite back where I started since after 5 IUIs, I have some information about my eggs and my response to meds, etc, but in the big picture of things, 10 months of treatments and I am exactly where I was when I started.

Any ideas out there?

Saturday, September 22, 2007

So far it's negative

not much more to say than that. It's early but not too early to show something - but I'll keep a half-opened mind and test again tomorrow. Then the beta is on Monday which I'll do anyway just for fun and giggles.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

I've held out so far

I haven't poas'd yet but I am getting mighty tempted.

I'm going to try to wait until Saturday.

I don't have any symptoms so I feel that it is probably a bfn. If that is the case, it will be nice to know sooner rather than later.

I hope all are well.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

To POAS or Not to POAS

that is the question, isn't it?

I had the IUI 10 days ago and I'm starting to want to know the outcome. I mean, I know I being hopeful is fun and all but it really does start to wear out its welcome and doubt starts moving in on its place.

There's only one way to alleviate the hope/doubt vicious cycle and that is to poas. But poasing doesn't really solve the problem when you do it too early because if you get a negative (which I always have), then you (or at least I) will think that it was too early and so then you have to poas the next day and you haven't really alleviated the situation at all - you are only more convinced that it is a bfn and you start using all your energy to turn it into a BFP for the next morning. It's crazy making.

Now that I written that, I don't want to poas. I don't want to get into that cycle right now. It's not that I don't want to know, it's that I don't have the energy to will the damn stick to be positive after a negative that was taken too early. (did that make sense).

So, I will wait until day 13 - which will be Saturday. I think that is a good day to get a definitive answer (and if it is a bfn, I only have to test one more time on Sunday). My beta is Monday.

The only reason I even think I have the will power to hold off is that I don't have any hpt in the house so I will have to actually go buy some if I am going to test. And I don't feel like going to the store. I guess I am in a malaise. That two-thirds through the 2ww malaise. I'll have to find a better name for that.

I hope all are well. Congrats to Karen at My Perky Ovaries on her 3 little ones!

Sunday, September 16, 2007

1/2 Way Through the 2WW

What can I say? Time is slowly crawling by.

I don't have any symptoms to speak of though I don't suppose that I should at this point. I'm tired and my breasts are sore but that's because I'm not sleeping well at night and I'm taking progersteron.e.

I don't even had any symptoms to misinterpret. Maybe those will come next week.

Wish for a quick week for me! I'll probably poas over the weekend and my beta is next Monday. It would be nice to see something new on those pee sticks...

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Darn I'm really hopeful

It's only been two days since the IUI and my mind is swimming with possibilities. I think those 8 follicles have given me false hope. The nurse showed them to me right before the IUI and all 8 were large and round and hanging there just like grapes - really easy see. My other doctor told me that during egg retrieval, the follicles were hanging really low and close so there are easy to reach. I could see that this time - these follicles were like a large bunch of grapes hanging very low. All eight were very big - it looked like the left 3 caught up with the right 5.

It's 2:30 am and I'm having trouble sleeping. I think it is because 1, I have the most follicles yet and 2, I saw them. I can't help but be excited. At the other 4 IUIs, they didn't show me the follicles - just did the insemination and that was it. Since they say that only 2-3 out of 10 of my eggs are probably good at this point, 8 is a pretty good number to think that maybe one good one will be in there.

I know, that one has to fertilize and implant and then stick around, etc. The chances are actually quite low but a girl's gotta have dreams.

But a girl's gotta calm down, too. I need my sleep. Too bad the doc says no swimming for a few days after the IUI - that is my preferred form of exercise and there's nothing like a tired body to ensure a good night's sleep.

Monday, September 10, 2007

IUI # 5 Complete; Now, the 2 Week Wait

The IUI went very smoothly today and I'm now home resting. They took a look at my ovaries before the IUI and all 8 follicles looked nice and big - maybe they will all be mature after all. I feel so bloated so I know something is going on in there.

The doctor was busy with surgery so they asked if the nurse (I don't know her title) could do it and I said yes. They they told me that the nurse has a 100% positive track record with IUIs so far! She hasn't been there very long but still, that's a good track record and hopefully, her streak will continue with me.

The 2 week wait is here. I wish I could fast forward ahead to know right now how it will turn out. I start Progesteron.e on Wednesday.

I hope everyone is well.

Sandwich wear?

Another blogger, and now I can't remember who, once wrote that having all these follicles felt like she had a sandwich in her pants. I loved that. Well, right about now, I fell like I have a sandwich down there. And I only have 8 follicles - it must feel like a few sandwiches for those of you who have 15 or 20 (or more!) follicles growing.

I should ovulate today (I gave myself the trigger at 3 am Sunday).

I have the IUI at 2:15. This is my first time to have the IUI in the afternoon and I think I will like it. The last few times I had the IUI and then went to work. This time, I will have it and then come home and rest. That seems like a more peaceful beginning for a new life, don't you think?

Wish me luck. Since I came up with 8 follicles this time, my husband is under orders to produce at least 50 million little guys... he said he would do his best.

Friday, September 7, 2007

IUI Scheduled for Monday

5 big follicles, 3 little ones - maybe they will catch up but at least there are five good ones. The IUI is scheduled for Monday afternoon which means I have to give myself the trigger shot at 3 am on Sunday - yikes, I hope I don't sleep through that one.

The vibes are good for this cycle though I wish I could control my hopes during the 2ww. I try to be calm but hope gets the best of me the further along the cycle goes and always ends in disappointment.

At this point, I can say, "well, it probably will be a BFN but that's ok, I can try again or explore other options. At least I tried"

But two weeks from now, I won't be that practical. I'll be saying, "please please please please be positive. I've already checked out the potential due date. I've already figured out how I will tell my husband. I can't wait to tell my mom. Please please please be positive!"

That's a vulnerable place to be.

I hope everyone has a good weekend.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

One more follicle plus I'm a tv star!

I went to the doctor again today and she saw 8 follicles! 5 on the right and 3 on the left. This is great news. About five of them are pretty big and the other four are still small. I will probably have the IUI on Sunday or Monday. I'll go back for one more scan tomorrow and then we'll know when the IUI will be. This will be cycle day 11 or 12. I'm a fast responder - which makes for short cycles.

Also, they had a film crew in and I agreed to have my ultrasound and blood draw filmed for a local health show. They probably won't show my face - just the screen showing the follicles and lining, etc. I wanted to do it because I always appreciate those who agreed to be filmed for educational purposes so the rest of us can learn.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

3 + 4 = 7!

7 follies! That's pretty good for me.

I started ganarelli.x today to make sure the big ones don't get any ideas and release themselves. I go back on Thursday to check their progress. Thursday my ovaries may also be filmed for the b-roll of a health show doing something on fertility. My face or voice won't be used but they will film the ultrasound screen. I agreed to it because I always appreciate it when someone else puts themselves out there for the rest of us to learn. Though I am not really putting myself out there since my face or name won't be used. It may be extra encouragement for those follicles to really look good on Thursday.

I'm excited about this cycle. Trying not to get as excited as last cycle but this is a good start. It's day 6.