Thursday, May 31, 2007

Cycle day What?

I didn't think they made cycles this long. Well, not in my past anyway. It is officially cycle day 38 with no sign of you know who. I don't know what to make of this and frankly I'm getting a bit concerned. What if the cyst is growing incredible large or morphing into something else?

Tomorrow, I am calling the doctor to see if they think I should come in. I think I would feel better with a little self-imposed wanding, just to know what is going on. I'm sure it is all fine and normal but actually, I don't know that it is all fine and normal. My period is 10 days late and I'm not pregnant. They said it might be late but no one said just how late.

Mh and I had a talk last night that when my cycle gets back on track and we are ready to try again, maybe I should go back to Clomid. On Clomid, I came up with 2 follicles. I still had regular length cycles and I had two cycles back to back. OK, both failed, but there was two chances in two months. With the injectables, assuming my cycle starts again soon, I will only have had one cycle in 3 months. We're losing time here. I know injectables are supposed to be better but I barely came up with 3 follicles last time and then my period was really late and then I got a cyst and now here we are.

All messed up and no where to go.

I don't feel good about complaining about this because I know there are folks out there who have had bad news lately and this is a minor problem. Like everyone, I just want to get to the part where all these stuff is worked out and I have a child to love - whether it is mine, a donor egg, or adopted. I just want to be at that point and these delays make it seem farther and farther away. I started this in December and I figured by now I would have either had success or know that it won't work out and have moved on to something else. 3 tries isn't enough.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Honestly, I've taken 6 hpt tests

Someone stop me. I am at cycle day 35 and no sign of a new cycle starting. I know it is likely that my period will be late because of the cyst but I can't help thinking that just perhaps I am actually pregnant and it is not the cyst.

I just came back after a nice weekend and I had to test one more time. I think I finally get it now - at day 35. I'll be patient. And just wait for that sucker to arrive. I just can't find any information about how late it might be. It's very frustrating.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Nothing, and I mean nothing, to report

I feel like I have temporarily left the infertile world. My period has not started yet (cd 30) and I have to take the next cycle off so there is not much I can do or worry about here. It's a bit freeing, I must say.

I don't know when my period will start - does anyone have any experience with ovarian cysts and delayed periods?? How long did it take your cycle to start?

I didn't realize how much the fertility stuff had taken over my life during the past 6 months. I was always in some part of the cycle that required monitoring or worrying or both. I used to swim every day just so I would be tired enough to sleep through the night. Otherwise, my mind would be racing all night with the possibilities.

Now, I am having no trouble sleeping; I feel less urgency to exercise. I thought I would spend this time getting in shape and taking good care of myself but frankly, I have been eating a lot of crap, not exercising very much, and having a few diet cokes.

This long weekend coming up, we will enjoy a trip to Mexico that I have been looking forward to and wasn't sure we would be able to go until the cycle got canceled. So, this is a nice reprieve. I'll take it and be ready for the next cycle.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Things Change

A month or so ago, I went to a meeting and sat next to a woman I have known casually for several years. I have never talked with her about anything personal. She was talking about her child and then asked me if I had any. I said no but we were trying. She said quietly, "my advice is to get to fertility doctor as soon as possible - don't wait." I told her we were already in treatments and then she revealed that her daughter was born through IVF. She asked how old I was and when I told her 41 she said, "great - you have plenty of time!" I was perplexed. I told her what I had done - at that point, I was on my 3rd IUI and then she told me her story.

She was 44 when she decided to try to get pregnant. She skipped IUIs and went straight to IVF getting pregnant on the first try. She had her daughter when she was 45. This was inspirational to me. If she could do it successfully at 44, I could do it now. I was on a high for a few days after talking with her.

So tonight, at an event, she sat right in front of me and there was her darling little girl (now 7). She didn't see me until the end of the event when she turned around. She looked me right in the eyes as if to ask how it was going. I didn't expect her to be there and so I wasn't prepared to bring my infertile self to this event. Immediately all my emotions from
  • the cyst
  • the three failed iuis
  • the poor follicle response and
  • the chance that IVF might not work for me

came flooding through me. I didn't want to talk to her. I wanted to run away from this topic. When we got a few minutes together, she asked how things were going. I told her. She was sad for me and let me know I could talk to her anytime.

She didn't do anything wrong but I left feeling depressed. The thing is, I associated this woman with

  • success
  • proof that it could happen
  • inspiration
  • hope

And now I associate her with my failure and lack of success.

Only because I saw her and she genuinely wanted to know how I was doing. And unlike with a person who doesn't know I am going through this, I had to tell her the truth. And the truth is depressing.

Oh well.

I feel better about the cyst

I got a little bent out of shape over the cyst but Chris at love, hope, and faith told me that she had one and that it went away in a few weeks. Her suggestion was that I take this cycle to take care of myself so that's what I am going to do.

I can go on a mini-vacation with my husband without worrying that it will have to be cancelled so I can go to the doctor. I can catch up on my exercising! I can relax. I am going to look into acupuncture and also get a massage during this month.

My mom couldn't understand why I was upset over the cyst and taking the month off. She insisted that since it was out of my control, I shouldn't stress about it.

I think what she doesn't get is that yes, it is out of my control, but the whole reason I am doing fertility treatments is that I WANT TO CONTROL the situation. I took drugs to gain control of my cycle and now I feel like I've totally lost control.

So, it is my challenge to myself to enjoy this month off and not see it as a failure but as an opportunity. Good luck to me.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Ode to a cyst

Why now?

Why not all those years when time didn’t matter
When the clock wasn’t ticking

I know you are benign
That you will go away

But you are bugging the crap out of me
I want you to be gone

So I can move forward

Friday, May 11, 2007

Are you sure it's not a baby? I asked

I started spotting yesterday and today there was actual flow. This is quite early - I'm only on cycle day 18. 2 cycles ago, I had a 19 day cycle so I figured that was happening again. I called the RE and scheduled an appointment for today. I didn't want to try to start a cycle but I wanted them to take a look and tell me what is going on. I went in armed with my calendar of my recent cycle lengths - it has been a crazy few months; before I started any treatments, I was extremely regular. Last cycle I had a big follicle on day 2 so I wanted to be sure that on day one (if this was day 1) that I had antral follicles and not grown ones. Last month I was out of whack and I was hoping that this month I would get back on track.

The PA saw me and we went over my recent cycles and the fact that this is quite early. She said the main reason would be a cyst. A little wanding and there we saw it - a big circle on my right ovary (the same ovary where I had the one leading follicle last month). She said, "it's a cyst alright" and I, ever hopeful, said "are you sure it's not a baby?" I mean, it looked just like the first ultrasound pictures of a developing fetus. A black circle in a bunch of fuzzy gray. I had one second of hope when I saw the ultrasound and then I realized that that was a silly thing to think.

My lining still looked thick so she surmised that this is bleeding from the cyst and not my period. It did come on rather quickly and didn't feel like normal first day. And true enough, tonight, there is no more flow. She said that I will probably get my period next week. But meanwhile, I am definitely benched for the month.

Of course I came home and checked in with dr. google and it seems that f can lead to cysts. It should go away on its own in a few weeks or a month or two. As far as I know, this is the first cyst that I have had. I can't remember any bleeding like this in the past. It's all a little disconcerting. As I am often reminded, at 41, I don't have a lot of time to be sitting on the bench. I need to get back in the game.

On the other hand, I haven't started my period so we can't say for sure that I am not pregnant. My breasts don't hurt any more, though, so I have a feeling that this cycle is a bust.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Past performance is no indicator

I was so proud of my darn tomatoes and saw them as a sign of the fertility of the whole household here. Well, when I came home today, I saw that my star performer, the only one that had already turned red, had been pecked to pieces by a bird.

Crap. Can't anything grow to fruition around here?

On another topic, or perhaps it is the same topic, I am in the 2ww of our natural cycle. I think our timing was good and hey, since we are hoping to get pregnant via IUI at this point, why wouldn't we hope to get pregnant the old fashioned way (or the natural way as my doc calls it). I mean, it's the same (albeit unwashed and uncounted) sperm and the same good or bad egg. All we're hoping for here is one good egg to meet with one good sperm. It could happen, people.

Like they say on those mutual fund ads, past performance is not an indicator of future performance. Our "did not get pregnant on our own" past does not mean we will not get pregnant on our own this time.

And besides, my breasts are sore which they never were before I started taking fertility meds. And I'm off the meds now.

Saturday, May 5, 2007

Nurturing Nature

When I first met mh, I had a ficus plant that I'd owned for years. It was small and measly, in a charlie brown christmas tree kind of way, but it was alive and I liked it. MH was horrified that it wasn't flourishing. I had never transplanted it from the pot it came in. He thought with a bigger pot, a little fertilizer, and some care, it would grow much bigger.

So, when we married and moved to a place with a yard, he transplanted it into a bigger pot and placed it outside. He cared for it and sure enough, it flourished. It grew and grew and we had to transplant it again into an even bigger pot. It became a ficus tree. It was beautiful - full of leaves and growing tall. I regret that the tree died in the frost we had this past winter but it served as a symbol for us.

A symbol that I am not very nurturing.

I love plants but if we go on vacation, I don't find someone to water then while we are gone. So, I may plant some tomatoes or basil and care for them for a while and then we go on vacation and when we come back, they are dead or nearly dead.

Not this year. I am determined to be a nurturing plant owner. Assuming of course, that it will transfer over to my womb. I have planted tomatoes again. 4 plants in all. I water them. I add miracle grow. I make sure they get enough sun. I check on them every morning and every evening. I count the budding tomatoes as if they are follicles. "Look", I cry, "now there are 17!" I am proud as if I created them myself.

This year, I will not abandon my tomatoes. I will tend these plants carefully, religiously.

Because I need these tomato buds to become ripe, healthly tomatoes.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Who was I kidding?

Of course we are going to try on our own this cycle. We can't give up the idea of conceiving naturally entirely just because we are getting some treatments on the side.

Besides, I wouldn't know what to do with myself during the 2wnw (2 week non wait). It would be entirely too boring.