Saturday, November 10, 2007

Blog Blahs

I've been having mixed feelings about the blogging business lately. I started reading blogs when I needed inspiration and to feel like I wasn't the only one going through this. At first, I would find someone who had gotten pregnant and maybe even already had their baby and then go back and read their whole blog to learn their whole story. I knew it had a happy ending so I would read and be inspired. When I came upon someone that was not yet successful, I would skip to another blog. I did this for a week or so.

And then I found some folks who were, like me, maybe a little older than the average infertile, and, who, like me, were right in the middle of their story. I began reading them and commenting and sharing their journey. I was invested and praying for them to have a happy ending as it might mean that I, too, would have a happy ended. I began my own blog.

But I have to say, sometimes this shared journey is darn depressing. It's not inspirational. It's devastating. To follow someone who struggles for months or years to get pregnant and then read about her having a m/c is so sad. It's overwhelming sometimes. I find myself limiting the number of people I follow because there is so much heartbreak.

I wish I could fast forward to all of our happy endings and then read back with the knowledge that there was a happy ending. But that's not the way it works. We have to live through it in real time.

This infertile business is not for the weak of heart. Sometimes I don't think I'm brave enough for it. It's one thing to give yourself shots in the gut and feel brave and able to take on anything but it's another thing altogether to endure the emotional heartbreak that IF throws at us day in and day out.

I feel like writing this which sounds so odd: I've been lucky that I haven't gotten pregnant. Because then I didn't have to lose it.

Anyway, this is a highly depressing post. Sorry about that. I'm feeling better and mostly back to normal. I go to the doc on Tuesday to hear for myself what they found and how/when I can proceed from here. We're going away for a few days to relax and recover.


Hekateris said...

Funny, when I first started reading IF blogs I never read the stories of the successful. Or rather, I did up until they reached 6-8-12w, and then I would unsub and cull my reading list down even more. I still find it difficult to read newbie blogs, and by that I mean the 'we've been trying for 6 whole months!' blogs. I'm not saying that's not painful, just that it's very different to hear when the blogger is 22 than when the blogger is 38.

I know what you mean about not getting pregnant and then losing it. Now that I am pregnant, I find that reading those blogs of miscarriage have been unbelievably helpful to me, because I still don't know how I can go on if the worst happens. But they've managed it. They've miscarried at 6w, 13w, 24w, even 40w and are still living and breathing and making plans for the future. There's a blog I read where the baby was born and died after 6 terrifies me to read it, but I feel that I must, that I have to know that life does go on!.

Gods, it sounds so very dramatic. What I've learned is that the pain and fear of infertility don't go away, but that it's possible with them and not have them affect you as they do when you're in the midst of it. Sorta. That doesn't really make any, it's like what someone once said about grief: you never forget the grief, but time has a way of softening it.

Anyway, I've babbled on long enough.


CAM said...

OH BOY - that was a good post! I didn't find it depressing - but honest and honesty is always a good thing.
I find myself avoiding the pg bloggers. It feels like yet another person that has left me behind. I also agree with "hekateris" about the young IF-ers. When you are hovering around 40 and have been going at this for years its hard to empathize with a 22 year old. These are all selfish things, but its the reality that has become our lives. Its not that I don't care about these people, its just too hard for me sometimes to read and I feel like I am protecting my fragile sanity.
The best part about bloggig for me is to realize that I am not crazy. There are plenty of others out there that are feeling the same pain and insanity that comes with this whole process. Its a bumpy, unpredictable journey...
Thanks so much for your kind words on my site during a horrible time. The support that I get from everyone means the world.
You guys are the best!

Anonymous said...

I agreed with your blog today wholeheartedly. Although I am, (soon to be in a couple of weeks), only 37 i have been at this baby-making business for almost 2 years. It still pisses me off when some "newbie" complains about trying for just a few months, gets PG and goes on to have a happy ending. Not that I wish bad things on them, I just don't want to hear about it.

And I, too, wish that I could fast forward to our happy endings. I'm just so afraid that if I did fast forward there WOULDN'T be a happy ending. At least this way I still have a glimmer of hope.

Chris said...

I'm so glad that your surgery went well and hope that the official report you get is good as well.

And every once in a while it is OK to just step away from blogs. They do serve a different purpose on different days, that's the beauty of it.

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