I've been having mixed feelings about the blogging business lately. I started reading blogs when I needed inspiration and to feel like I wasn't the only one going through this. At first, I would find someone who had gotten pregnant and maybe even already had their baby and then go back and read their whole blog to learn their whole story. I knew it had a happy ending so I would read and be inspired. When I came upon someone that was not yet successful, I would skip to another blog. I did this for a week or so.
And then I found some folks who were, like me, maybe a little older than the average infertile, and, who, like me, were right in the middle of their story. I began reading them and commenting and sharing their journey. I was invested and praying for them to have a happy ending as it might mean that I, too, would have a happy ended. I began my own blog.
But I have to say, sometimes this shared journey is darn depressing. It's not inspirational. It's devastating. To follow someone who struggles for months or years to get pregnant and then read about her having a m/c is so sad. It's overwhelming sometimes. I find myself limiting the number of people I follow because there is so much heartbreak.
I wish I could fast forward to all of our happy endings and then read back with the knowledge that there was a happy ending. But that's not the way it works. We have to live through it in real time.
This infertile business is not for the weak of heart. Sometimes I don't think I'm brave enough for it. It's one thing to give yourself shots in the gut and feel brave and able to take on anything but it's another thing altogether to endure the emotional heartbreak that IF throws at us day in and day out.
I feel like writing this which sounds so odd: I've been lucky that I haven't gotten pregnant. Because then I didn't have to lose it.
Anyway, this is a highly depressing post. Sorry about that. I'm feeling better and mostly back to normal. I go to the doc on Tuesday to hear for myself what they found and how/when I can proceed from here. We're going away for a few days to relax and recover.