Wednesday, September 26, 2007

I don't know

I was so excited about the egg donor possibilities (mostly the 70 - 80% success rate) on Monday but now I am waning a bit on the idea. DH wants to keep trying with IUIs, figuring that we have only recently gotten to the point of a good number of follicles (8 last time) and that if we are able to get 8 or more follicles 2 or 3 more times, then he will feel we have given it a really good go. I do agree in principle but the thought of 3 more failed IUI cycles exhausts me. Especially since I seem to have a cyst after each medicated cycle so I only do an IUI every other month. We're talking about 6 more months. A donor IVF cycle has a much higher chance of success and will save months of anguish.

However, I am starting to dwell on other things besides the chance for a take home baby. I am thinking that I won't look in that child's face and see me in her or him. My child won't share that certain something with his/her 10 first cousins. I was an athlete while growing up - maybe my child won't be athletic. I have had excellent health my whole life - haven't had a sick day from work in years - I'd like to pass that on.

I know if we adopt, which is an option we are exploring, the same will be true. And I won't have carried the adopted child in my body, won't be able to breast feed, etc and so this donor egg child offers something to me more than adoption.

As I write this, I am thinking that I need process this more and give sufficient time to grieve about the fact that I may not have a bio child and then move on to the option of donor egg. DH may be right - we should be sure that we have given it a solid effort to have a baby with our genes before jumping on to donor egg. It's so alluring - that chance to be done with this part of my life and on to parenting. That's what I want - to be a parent. Yes, I want my child to be part of me - to have my big (some would say big ass) smile and thick hair but more important, I want to have a child.

Why are there so many frickin decisions to be made? I should appreciate the fact that we have options as I know couples decades ago did not have options like we have now but getting to the point where we have a child is sure more complicated than having sex and getting pregnant. That seems like a cake walk. This is a walk over coals. It hurts but I know we'll get through it.


Trina said...

I just found your blog and read this post. It is the first one I have read, but I swear I could have written it. You and I are close in age, I am turning 40 soon, and my remaining eggs all seem to be scrambled or over cooked.

Thanks for reminding me I am not the only one in going down this road.


Chris said...

Yes, you will get through this, and you are in good company as you wind your way through. If you really aren't ready to consider using donor eggs, how about trying your own for IVF first? I don't know how your insurance is, but here I pay cash for everything. For the cost of 3 IUIs you could have a IVF cycle. So yes, you do have a lot to consider. Wish there was a way to make it easier for you.

Egged Out said...

Thanks Chris and Trina,

It's nice to have company through all this! My insurance covers all but about $500 of the IUIs. Which in itself does stretch the bank account a bit. However it doesn't cover IVF except for the medicine. My doctor has told me I could expect my share to be about $11,000. I could do 22 IUIs for that price! Holy crap - I don't want to do 22 IUIs and if I was sure that 1 IVF at least 22 times more probable, I might try it. Though honestly, I am not so hopeful for IVF with these old eggs.

CAM said...

I know we all never thought we would have to face these types of life altering decisions. Its all too much sometimes. Take your time and be comfortable with whatever decision you make.