I was so excited about the egg donor possibilities (mostly the 70 - 80% success rate) on Monday but now I am waning a bit on the idea. DH wants to keep trying with IUIs, figuring that we have only recently gotten to the point of a good number of follicles (8 last time) and that if we are able to get 8 or more follicles 2 or 3 more times, then he will feel we have given it a really good go. I do agree in principle but the thought of 3 more failed IUI cycles exhausts me. Especially since I seem to have a cyst after each medicated cycle so I only do an IUI every other month. We're talking about 6 more months. A donor IVF cycle has a much higher chance of success and will save months of anguish.
However, I am starting to dwell on other things besides the chance for a take home baby. I am thinking that I won't look in that child's face and see me in her or him. My child won't share that certain something with his/her 10 first cousins. I was an athlete while growing up - maybe my child won't be athletic. I have had excellent health my whole life - haven't had a sick day from work in years - I'd like to pass that on.
I know if we adopt, which is an option we are exploring, the same will be true. And I won't have carried the adopted child in my body, won't be able to breast feed, etc and so this donor egg child offers something to me more than adoption.
As I write this, I am thinking that I need process this more and give sufficient time to grieve about the fact that I may not have a bio child and then move on to the option of donor egg. DH may be right - we should be sure that we have given it a solid effort to have a baby with our genes before jumping on to donor egg. It's so alluring - that chance to be done with this part of my life and on to parenting. That's what I want - to be a parent. Yes, I want my child to be part of me - to have my big (some would say big ass) smile and thick hair but more important, I want to have a child.
Why are there so many frickin decisions to be made? I should appreciate the fact that we have options as I know couples decades ago did not have options like we have now but getting to the point where we have a child is sure more complicated than having sex and getting pregnant. That seems like a cake walk. This is a walk over coals. It hurts but I know we'll get through it.