Thursday, January 31, 2008


Why I think I'm headed toward a BFP

1. On and off cramping since 7dpo
2. Yesterday, 9dpo, I saw blue veins in both breasts when I was trying on something at a store (bright lights and a mirror). I can't see them in my dim bathroom.
3. Today, 10dpo, I have some light spotting. The previous 3 times I used the suppositories, I didn't have any spotting until well after I stopped using them

Reasons Why I think I'm headed toward a BPN?

1. My breasts aren't tender or sore at all. They hurt more before ovulation.
2. I took a hpt this morning (10dpo) and it was negative. (I wasn't going to test until the weekend but I read some other blogs that show BFPs on 9 and 10 dpo so in a weak moment, I gave in. I'll try again tomorrow.

This 2ww is getting to be long in the tooth.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Down to a 1 Week Wait

Actually, it will be less than a 1ww because I will poas this weekend. Maybe Saturday but for sure Sunday. I only have two hpts and I don't want to buy more so I'll wait as long as I can. Beta is Monday (a week from today).

I've been feeling a little cramping here and there and I'm trying really hard to ignore it. I can't remember if I've felt that before in other cycles but in every cycle, I seem to feel all sorts of things that in the end still equal a bfn. I am not getting my hopes up. I am just passing the time.

I met a woman today who has 3 year old twins. She used and was on her 3rd IUI. Or she thinks. Something like that. And I was amazed that she didn't remember every detail about her IF situation. Hard to imagine, but I think that is a good sign. Like, if I get to the place where I have 3 year old twins, I don't know if I need to keep all this IF stuff active, remembering that on IUI #5 I had 8 follicles and stimmed for 9 days but for IUI #6 I had 7 follies and stimmed for 14 days. Maybe all this goes way back to the deep regions of the brain kind of like the high school test you sweated over and now can't even remember what subject it was in or what grade you got on it.

On a different note, I am really grateful for my ipod. I load up the npr news and the NYTimes daily digest (where someone reads the news in a monotone voice) each day and then when I wake in the middle of the night and can't sleep, I put on my headphones and listen to the news for a little while. It puts me right back to sleep. Better than a lullaby.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Progersteron.e Dreams

First, yes, still in the 2 week wait. Not even half way through yet but I won't dwell on that. My beta test is a week from Monday (day after the Superb.owl).

Second, I've started having what I call progesteron.e dreams. They are so vivid. Last night I dreamed that while at the RE's office, (and for some reason I was sitting around their board room with all of the staff for some kind of meeting), I found that the mother of a childhood neighbor was pregnant and very soon to deliver. I was shocked. This woman is well over 70! Mrs. Tait pregnant now- what was she thinking? She already has grandchildren.

But then I thought, if this outfit can get her pregnant in her 70's, then they can surely get me pregnant at the tender age of 41. So, the overriding emotion (which I always pay attention to in dreams) was slightly hopeful and not just jealousy (though that was in there, too).

I look forward to more dreams. As long as they aren't the ones that make me cry in my sleep.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

2ww blah blah blah

I'm in the 2ww and I just read back through my previous 2ww posts and I realize that there is nothing new I could possibly say. So, I will either recycle those posts or write about things totally unrelated to the 2ww (but perhaps still related to fertility). I just don't want to bore you or me with the same old posts.

This the 6th 2ww after an IUI. I don't have the energy for the emotional roller coaster that the 2ww brings out in me.

Maybe this is the time to take up knitting?

Monday, January 21, 2008

The Deed is Done: 2WW Officially Underway

IUI #6 just happened. 45 million sperm are now searching frantically for those four eggs who had better release themselves and they should not be coy.

The IUI was uneventful - it is getting to be old hat. I don't really have high hopes but I would like to be pleasantly surprised.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Whew my breasts hurt

Usually my breasts get tender once I start using progesteron.e in the 2WW. This is the first time they have been tender before I even had the IUI. For the past few days, they have felt heavy and very tender. Has anyone else has this before?

On another note, I took the trigger shot last night at 11 pm. I did a ganareli.x shot at 5 pm as well. I am glad to have taken the last shot for this cycle. 15 days of shots is just too much. The first few days, I could just jab those needles in my gut but as the days went on, I started to hesitate and dwell on each shot. I messed up one of my gona.l f shots and I have a big purple bruise right next to my belly button. I finally started putting them in my thigh. In some ways it is easier but it seems like the skin is thicker on the thigh. In the last few days, I iced the spot first so it was easier (mentally) to jab the needles in.

Anyway, I'm glad that's over. I am also glad that my doctor doesn't have me use PIO - I use the progesteron.e suppositories. I don't like them and I feel awful using them but at least it isn't a shot.

Tomorrow is the IUI. We are rested and prepared. Today we are going to watch the Chargers football game. I am not a fan but it is hard not to get caught up in the game. Even the staff at the RE's office were all wearing Charger shirts on Friday. I made the doctor swear to me that the reason my IUI was delayed until Monday was NOT the fact that there is a Charger game today at noon. She said absolutely not but that they were starting all of the procedures today at 7am so everyone could be out in time to watch the game.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Monday it is!

The IUI is scheduled for Monday morning. I was hoping for Sunday so I could have an extra day of rest on the Monday holiday. But I am really glad that it is happening on a day off of work. The past few IUIs, I have gone back to work afterwards and I think it will be nice to just go home and relax.

This also means I have to take the shots again tonight. Ugh. I was really hoping to be done with those suckers. By tomorrow, I will have taken 450 of gona.l f for 14 days. That's a lot of drug! When my gut sees those needles coming, it cringes.

This cycle is so much longer than my past ones. I hope that means the eggs are of a higher quality. This is likely my last effort with my own eggs.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

It's Cut and Dry Now

At least I don't have to make the decision. The decision was made: the doc said that IVF would offer no better chance than IUI at this point and unless I have unlimited resources (which I don't) and want to know more about my eggs (like are they all crap), she would suggest IUI. I have to say, I feel some relief at this decision.

We then had a sit down and had a long talk about my situation. I have 7 follicles but probably only 4 will be mature. She thought that there was a good chance that there would be no embryo to transfer out of these four.

I asked if I might have a better chance with another cycle with a slightly different protocol. She said that my window of follicles is probably between 5 and 9 so I could hope for slightly better but that I won't get to the range that would make IVF a clear go. I have doubled the amount of gona.l f and have not had double the response. She also said that after 4 medicated IUIs, statistically, there is a decrease in pregnancies (it goes to the rate of placebos).

We talked about what might be next which is likely egg donor for me. My goal is to have a child and this is a way for that to happen. There is an estimated 70 - 80 % success rate for donor egg and that is very attractive. Also, by not doing the IVF this time, we'll use that $10,000 towards the $25,000 donor egg cost. As DH says, that's a $10,000 discount.

On the current situation, I am to continue with the shots for 2 more days (drat!) and go in again for a blood work and a scan on Friday. We'll probably have the IUI sometime over the weekend. I am sick of the shots but I'm not quitting now. On the plus side, this is the longest medicated cycle I have had and that hopefully means better quality eggs. The doc said that this is because the birth control pills suppressed my ovaries.

I'm glad this decision is over and that I didn't have to make it. It wasn't a great night sleep last night. Maybe we'll get lucky and the IUI will work. Stranger things have happened!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Why isn't it cut and dry?

When I started this cycle, knowing it was open to IUI or IVF depending on my response, all I wanted was the decision of which way to go to be clear. Well it's not.

When I got home last night, DH and I had a long, often tense, discussion about this cycle. Why, he asked, is your doctor considering IVF when there are only 7 follicles and we've been told that probably 80% of my eggs are bad and that I should have 8 - 10 or more follicles for IVF. Why does she think this will work?

I didn't have a good answer and of course, IVF hasn't been suggested yet but it hasn't been ruled out. What will change before the next appointment? he wanted to know. I don't know. I don't think 3 more follicles will magically mature.

I am optimistic (who knows why) and want this to work. So I'm hopeful that IVF is just the thing we need to do and that IUI hasn't worked because it just isn't going to work. Maybe the shells on my eggs are too hard for the sperm to break and ISCI will solve that.

DH was advocating that we should do IUI again this month and maybe it will work because I had that surgery to remove the fibroid tumor. And if it doesn't work, we try IVF next time and hope for more than 7 follicles. I agree with that logic. It's just that I don't know if I want to go through this again. Part of me wants the final answer now. So we can then move on. I can't dismiss that the $10,000 out of pocket is a big part of this decision. Are we wasting $10,000 to find out that all 7 eggs are bad or are we putting $10,000 toward our best option.

I don't know the answer. I am going to the doctor armed with a list of questions that I will need to be answered if she recommends going through with IVF.

Frankly, so much about IF is making decisions. About trying, about paying, about how many times, about when to give up and what to do next. I feel like every month, we remake all of these decisions. I'm so tired of that.

Anyway, I don't know what the good doc will recommend but I'll find out soon enough. Either way, I'll be happy to have this stretch of time over.

Monday, January 14, 2008

It's not over yet

I went in today to the doc expecting to have the plan laid out and expecting that we would do the IUI or ER on Wednesday. I've already been giving myself the shots for 9 days and frankly, I'm ready for them to be done. But that's not to be.

I have 7 good sized follies - mostly around 12 and 13mm. They want me to stim for 2 more days and then go back on Wednesday. On Wed, the final decision will be made. Everyone seemed optimistic. They said that 7 was great for my age and that we'll know for sure on Wednesday if we should go for egg retrieval. I guess that goal of having 10 or more follies was not set in stone.

I left happy. I was pretty certain that they were going to recommend IUI but the door is still open for IVF. They all agreed (2 RE's and 1 PA) that this is my best cycle yet.

So, it's not over yet. Wish good thoughts for me!

Friday, January 11, 2008

Still Slow but Steady

I went to the doc again today and the scan showed 6 measurable follicles. There were a few other little ones around, too, but only 6 that looked determined to go the distance. This is not horrible news for an IUI but for IVF, at my age, it doesn't look too good. They said that no decision will be made until Monday when I go back. I'll keep the same meds and add in ganarali.x tomorrow night ( to stop me from ovulating).

I'm getting comfortable with the idea that this might not be an IVF cycle. On the positive side, it will save me oodles of money and I can still try the IUI. On the negative side, I'd really like to know if the problem is that my eggs are for crap or what. Without doing IVF, I won't get to know and we'll just assume that I have old old eggs and then move on to something else. And we can use the $10,000 for that something else.

I'm anxious for Monday.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Off to a so-so start

I went to the doc today for a scan and blood work. There were at least 7 follicles that were visible but they were still too small to measure. I was disappointed as I was hoping for a huge number (since I was told to try make 15! and I using the highest dose of gona.l f). The doc said that 7 was ok for now since it is still early and there may be more by Friday at my next appointment.

She said none of these were "committed" yet to growing full size and that we'll know more on Friday or perhaps on Monday.

So, I was hoping for some great news like "WOW! lok at all of those follicles!!" Alas, I never get that kind of news. If I can't crank up the follicles, this will not be an IVF cycle but IUI #6. Not too exciting.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

AF arrived

I gave myself the first set of shots last night and this morning, AF was here. I don't know if that is the right order of things but here we go.

I definitely felt a reaction to the 450 of gona.l f after it went in. Something kicked into gear down there - I hope that's a good sign.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Did anyone have this problem?

I started birth control pills about 3 weeks ago. I went to the doctor on Wednesday and she told me to stop taking them (my last one was Tuesday evening) and that I should bleed in a few days and then I should start the injections on Saturday (today).

Well, AF has not arrived. I called the doctor yesterday and told her that AF had not arrived yet and asked if I should still start the injections on Saturday even if I haven't bled yet. She said yes.

so, I haven't started bleeding but will start the injections tonight. I guess the question is, does it matter that I haven't had even a light period? Has anyone had this situation?

Please advise.



Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Here we go!

I'm back from a great vacation and ready, I think, to start the next chapter of fertility efforts.

I went to the doctor today and my ovaries are sufficiently suppressed. I won't take the pill any more and on Saturday, I'll start the meds. I am not going to do Lupro.n. I thought I was but today they said that I will be doing gona.l f and hcg as before. I'll just be doing a higher dose of the gona.l f. In some ways, I'm glad because I am familiar with these drugs and have not had any bad side effects from them. I just hope they work. I'll be taking 450 of the gona.l f. Last time, I took 300. 450 is the max you can take so this is my big chance to see if my body will respond.

Happy New Year to everyone. Here's to a great 2008 with BFPs all around!