Monday, August 25, 2008

We are still numb

DH and I have agreed to talk (yell, cry) about all of our feelings (sadness, anger, frustration, hope, etc) over the three day weekend when we are on a trip. For the past few weeks, the feelings have bubbled up off and on but we are relatively quick to not go to that painful place of the first few days we got our BFN. The place of enormous body crushing disappointment.

But this weekend will be a feel-a-thon. We'll give ourselves the space, time, and support to say and feel the whole range of feelings. My therapist (who I just started seeing again - very timely) suggested that we try to get at all the feelings of TTC for the past 5 years. So we can then move on. It's been five years of disappointments - bit by bit but now we are in a big hole. We need to climb out.

We are paralyzed right now. We are stuck. So I'm actually looking forward to this weekend because I just want to get the anger out, the sadness out. Surely, it won't take the pain and sadness all away but I'm hoping it will serve as some sort of cleansing. Some sort of moving on so we are better able to decide what to do.

I'm going to burn that photo of the failed embryos. That sounds weird but I don't want to find that photo some day unexpectedly. I want to put it to rest. We don't need it taunting us. Reminding us. Neither of us has touched it since that day. It is just sitting on the counter and I think we didn't want to pick it up because then we would have to talk about it and do something with it. When I suggested we burn it this weekend, DH was on board.

I'm sorry I haven't been out there commenting very much. It is really hard to read about the BFPs and the struggles. I'm not quite in a supportive mood but I am truly happy for the BFPs. Everyone deserves it. We all deserve it.

On a positive note - the new dog does give us joy. She is perfect and better than I ever expected. She must have gotten lost from a home where she was well loved because she quickly transferred her flags to us and has become a great companion.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Just what the doctor ordered

Sorry for the silence. I've got a post brewing but I'm taking a little break from actively dealing with IF stuff.

Other Very Important Non-IF News: We got a dog! This little dog is just what I needed. She's cuddly, loyal, and cute as the dickens. She was a rescue (I'm happy I was able to get a rescue)and she has quickly taken to us. We've only had her for two days and she has cheered me up considerably. She looks like a lab puppy but she's a 2 year old mix (cocker span.iel and chih.uahua).

Friday, August 8, 2008


First, thank you all for your support. It means the world. I will be a better supporter of others because I know how much it helps. It really helps to read the comments and feel your empathy. THANK YOU.

I think the worst is over. I'll still cry at the drop of a hat but I'm starting to come out of the funk. I have not run out and bought a dog - maybe this weekend. I want to get the right one for us. Last night I laid on the sofa missing our dog and thinking about what comfort she would have been during this time. She was a snuggler.

I've told all those irl who knew (only 3 plus dh) and I'm thankful that I had only told 3. Those were hard phone calls.

Back to my situation. IT SUCKS. I guess it sucks the most because now we are at square one again and have to figure out where to put our (meager) emotional and financial resources. I wish I could fast forward to the happy place where I have a little toddler who is part of of my life. I can see the image - a mom going about her daily business, not worrying about how to procure a child from this earth. Just loving on the one (or two) she has. And just occasionally thinking back to the bad dream (nightmare) of infertility. But knowing that it was all worth so she could have this child who she loves so much. That keeps me going. Keeps my eyes on the prize.

We can't give up. I want to have children. I've already been childless - I know what that is like, thank you very much, and yes, it does have it's advantages, but I'm ready for something different. For the second half (or second 2/3s - can we be optimistic?), I'd like to try out parenting. So, we have to persevere and figure out how we are going to do this.

We'd been working on this egg donor project since February. That's when we made the decision and started the process. Now it is August. We lost 6 months on that. 6 months!! We could have been partly through the adoption process. We could have done 3 more IUIs (not that I wanted to but it would have been cheaper and probably the same outcome anyway). But the worst part is the 6 months of putting our hopes and dreams into that egg donor cycle. We would talk about it and make plans for it and work our lives around it. For example, we like to go down to Baja California (we live in San Diego) and where we go has a long dirt road. So, I'd say, well, if I'm 7 months pregnant with twins, we're not going there. And so we would plan our trips around this supposed pregnancy and then the arrival of the child. We've been wanting to buy a house and now is the time with the downturn in the market. We've gone back and forth over whether or not to buy a fixer upper. I'd say, if I'm pregnant or have a small child, I don't want a house in shambles - I'll need to nest. So we would plan around that concept of a pregnant Egged wanting her house in order for the arrival of her baby.

OK, we shouldn't have let ourselves put that much faith in the long awaited egg donor cycle but I submit to you that we, at the Egged household, don't have all that much else exciting to talk about. What can top the idea of starting a family? And going through a donor egg cycle with an 80% chance of success? We talked about this potential success way more than we did for any of the IUI cycles. Those had nary a chance.

I'm trying to figure out what hurts the most - not that it matters - it's all a loss. A loss of time, hope, money, potential, and for now, it's a loss of happiness.

I'm really sad.

And there is no easy way to solve this problem. Adoption - complicated and expensive. Egg donor cycle - risky and expensive. Every solution requires a grand gesture of effort, hope, and resources. There's no shortcut. You have to really want this. I feel like I have to prove that over and over.

This to the Universe: how much more proof do you need? We really want this. We are not just jerking around. We want children. We want a family. We'll keep trying on our end but PLEASE deliver on your end.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

B Fricking N

This did not go how we all hoped.

First of all, thank you everyone for your gentle yet hopeful support. Yesterday, I e-mailed the responses to DH and he called me at lunch and we read them together. They gave us a little hope which is actually what we needed to get out of a very deep funk. Even though we knew the chances were slim, it was nice to think it wasn't totally over. And it was great to know that you all had our backs. And I really mean it - you made a difference for us on what was a truly awful day.

Today, it is officially over.

I went in for the blood test holding back the tears. I didn't want to be there or talk to anyone - I was too vulnerable. After the blood test, I ran out to my car and cried.

I pulled myself together and went to the office. Actually, I am very busy lately so it is easier to be at work than to be by myself in the car or at home. They said they would call after 2 pm. I held it together until 2 pm and then I had to leave and take a late lunch. I went to the pound. Yes, that pound. I didn't tell you all that we had to put our poor dear loyal dog to sleep about a month ago. ( which was another truly awful day). I thought if I found a new dog today, that would be something hopeful. The pound was full of people waiting to see or adopt dogs and I knew there was no way I could arrange to adopt a dog during my lunch hour. Don't these people work? I thought I would have the run of the place. Anyway, I ran through the aisles looking at dogs but that got depressing, too, because I knew it would be unlikely to get one immediately.

So, I decided to go back to the office. On the freeway, of course, the phone finally rings. I pull over to take the call. It was the RE. She called me personally to tell me it was negative. I guess I appreciate that. I don't know. She said I could schedule an appointment to come in after next Tuesday to go over what happened. I don't know that I will - at $30,000, it's not likely that we will give this another go and I don't know what information we will get from that meeting. Thoughts?

After we hung up, I sobbed. I was still on the side of the freeway but I figured it was as private place a place as any. Everyone is flying by at 70 miles an hour - no one will notice poor little me crying my eyes out. Except for the motorcycle cop who pulls up to see what's going on. Jeez, can't a girl cry on the side of the freeway for more than 2 minutes anymore? So I told him I would move on.

I got off the freeway and called dh (leaving a teary message) and then my mom. God bless her. She didn't know what to say but she cried with me and that was all I needed from her. She, who had 8 children in 9 years, has no idea what this is like but she was there for me.

I thought about taking the afternoon off of work but frankly, there's plenty of time to cry at home and I can hold it together at work pretty well.

The only decision we have made is to not make any decisions about what to do next until after labor day. We have a fun escape planned for that weekend and I'm looking forward to it. After that, we can get down to business and figure out a new way to build our family. But for now, I get to cry all I want.

And maybe I'll go buy a dog. Do you think it is ok in this situation to not rescue a dog from the pound? It goes against my instincts but I've had enough hassle trying to get a loved one into my life lately.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Well, that was a bad idea

I tested. It was negative.

All day yesterday, I was feeling AF type cramps though I wasn't nearly as tired as I had been on the weekend. When I came home, DH was still at work, so I read back to my last IUI in January to see what my symptoms were. And they were AF type cramps. So I got depressed thinking that all my symptoms were just side effects of the drugs. When DH came home, I was a morose mess with no hope.

He was confident that it had worked and I think he thought a BFP would cheer me up (to put it mildly). So, we decided to test this morning. I poased and he read it. I couldn't bring myself to look at it myself.


I sobbed like a baby all morning. It was good to test at home rather than get the call at the office. No matter how much you tell yourself you are prepared for a bfn, it is still a gut wrenching experience. I'm still taking my drugs and I'll still go in for the beta tomorrow (just to be sure).

That was money we didn't have. I don't know what's next. I want to be a mom. He wants to be a dad. This is a pathetic situation.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Something is kicking my @ss.

And it's either one or two little embryos or the progesterone. I am wiped out every evening. Yesterday, I was driving home from visiting my brother and I had to pull over and take a nap on the freeway. I was so tired and it was only about 5:15. For the last three nights, I've been exhausted by 4 or 5 pm. I just sleep on the couch until I wake up and then I go to bed and sleep the whole night. I am usually not a napper nor a sleep through the nighter.

I did research side effects of progesterone and drowsiness is one of the side effects. I wasn't this tired earlier (and I've been taking it for 13 days. Maybe it is building up in my system.


I know we could probably poas stick right now and get some sort of answer but we're going to wait until Wednesday. If it is negative, I don't want to think we tested too early and then test again tomorrow, etc. I've been through that and it is miserable. When I test, I want it to be definitive. At least as definitive as a pregnancy in this IF world can be.

Friday, August 1, 2008


Thanks for your comments on the no embryos to freeze situation. We have the best inside me so I'm hopeful. The doc did give us a 70% chance for success. Much better odds than we've had before.

I don't have any symptoms except for sore breasts. That could be from all of the progesterone I am taking (3 suppositories per day). Though the sore breasts did just start yesterday when I have been taking the progesterone for 11 days now.

I don't think I will test until the day of the blood test (Wednesday). With my IUIs, I always tested at home and always got negatives and then convinced myself it was too early, blah blah blah - you all know what the emotional roller coaster is like. I don't want to put myself through that this time. Of course I say that now so don't hold it against me if I change my mind. A girl has that right. I do have 3 hpts in the house.

Thanks for your kind thoughts and sticky wishes! It means a lot.