I have sunk into a depression.
Going to the RE and being given the chance to be on the embryo donation list has messed with my emotions and my resolve.
There we were, going along with the foster/adoption plan. Attending classes, reading books, meeting with the social worker. Anticipating the child/children that might come to us. Learning about attachment issues. Feeling confident with our plan. Fertility issues behind us.
But hey, how about embryo donation? When you start thinking about it, how can you not veer towards it? A baby that I would give birth to. A baby that no court could take away from us later on. A baby that we would have from day one (actually, it could be a five day transfer so from day five of fertilization plus the time it spent frozen. OK, for argument's sake, let's just say day one).
This option is more agreeable than the foster adoption plan. We would be matched with the embryo, send a lawyer some money, the embryos would be legally ours, and any resulting child would be ours with no worry that someone would take him or her away from us.
It's like we have come to a screeching halt in our adoption plans. We haven't turned in the next set of papers. We haven't gotten our physicals. We haven't given up but we've lost our momentum.
I want to keep moving forward on both plans. It's just hard not to hold out hope for the possible donated embryo. And this has sent my emotions into overload. I find that DH and I talk much more about the embryo donation path than the adoption path. The embryo donation may not happen. It may not work (remember, I didn't get pregnant with a donor egg). We need to have plan B in place. Did I just admit that embryo donation is plan A? I guess I did. I don't want to wait another 6 - 12 months only to find that it didn't work.
So, I need to come up with the energy (emotional and otherwise since it's a lot of paperwork, meetings, classes, etc) to keep pursuing adoption.
Argh.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
We are on the embryo donation list but it doesn't make us feel any better
I called the RE yesterday and asked to be put on the embryo donation list. She said that we are number 6. That is shorter than I expected. She said it would be at least 6 months. That's about the same amount of time it will take us to go through the adoption stuff so I'm sure there will be some heart wrenching decision waiting for us in 6 months.
We are undecided about trying IUI again. Why bring more disappointment into our lives. Sure, I could do and just assume it won't work and then if it does I'll be overjoyed. But we all know how it works. Hope gets in there and there is no way to get through a BFN with out being hugely disappointed, no matter how much you expected it to fail.
DH is getting depressed. So am I. We just want something that will work. Not a foster adopt situation that may end up with a child going back to his or her birth parent. Not an IUI that probably won't work. Not an embryo donation that, let's be honest, probably won't work. We want something to work. We're willing to work hard to get it but we need it to work. We don't need to spend 6 months on paperwork and invasive interviews only to have a child get yanked from our loving arms. We don't need to wait for this precious donated embryo, fork over $5,000, put all of our hopes into it, and then have it not work. We don't need these situations.
Are we asking for a miracle here?
Is wanting to be a parent asking too much of the world? It feels like it sometimes. As DH said this morning, can't we call in a chit at this point? We're good people. He's a teacher, I work for a non-profit. We both served in the Peace Corps. We recycle. We don't drink and drive. We pick up our dog's poop when on a walk. We give to the poor. We turn off the sprinklers when it rains. We use compact florescent light bulbs. We vote. We voted no on prop 8. We pray. We've been model citizens working for the betterment of our community and our world. Doesn't any of that count?
We are undecided about trying IUI again. Why bring more disappointment into our lives. Sure, I could do and just assume it won't work and then if it does I'll be overjoyed. But we all know how it works. Hope gets in there and there is no way to get through a BFN with out being hugely disappointed, no matter how much you expected it to fail.
DH is getting depressed. So am I. We just want something that will work. Not a foster adopt situation that may end up with a child going back to his or her birth parent. Not an IUI that probably won't work. Not an embryo donation that, let's be honest, probably won't work. We want something to work. We're willing to work hard to get it but we need it to work. We don't need to spend 6 months on paperwork and invasive interviews only to have a child get yanked from our loving arms. We don't need to wait for this precious donated embryo, fork over $5,000, put all of our hopes into it, and then have it not work. We don't need these situations.
Are we asking for a miracle here?
Is wanting to be a parent asking too much of the world? It feels like it sometimes. As DH said this morning, can't we call in a chit at this point? We're good people. He's a teacher, I work for a non-profit. We both served in the Peace Corps. We recycle. We don't drink and drive. We pick up our dog's poop when on a walk. We give to the poor. We turn off the sprinklers when it rains. We use compact florescent light bulbs. We vote. We voted no on prop 8. We pray. We've been model citizens working for the betterment of our community and our world. Doesn't any of that count?
Sunday, November 30, 2008
That just made me more confused
I went to the RE. When we had the mother of all BFNs in August, she told me that I could come in for a followup appointment to learn what happened with our cycle. I delayed and delayed and even canceled one appointment. I didn't want to go back but I did want to know what happened with our cycle.
I mean, for $30,000 down the drain, I think I should know what they think went wrong.
Here's what I heard:
-the sperm looked good
-my uterus looked good
-my lining was excellent
-the embryos looked great on date 3, pretty good on day 5 (when we did the transfer), and horrible on day 6 (which left none to freeze).
-they have not let the egg donor donate again.
She thought I would be pregnant when I walked out of the transfer since things looked pretty good. They were all disappointed on my behalf.
She acknowledged that it was probably hard for me to walk in the door and I said yes, it was. It was horrible to be there. I think over the past 2 years, I have been there about 70 times. That's a boatload of visits. So we commiserated for a while and then she went over my options:
- do nothing and live childfree
- adopt
- do egg donor again though if we did it again, she would only let us use a proven egg donor and she recommends that we consider using donor sperm on a portion (.25) of the eggs to see if there is a difference with the embryos. If there is, we will at least have something to work with. Not a bad idea.
- split a donor cycle with someone to save money. We'll have less to work with but it will be somewhat less expensive.
- get on their embryo donation list. They do have folks who donate their leftover embryos and they keep of list of those interested in receiving them. It would cost between $3 - 5,000 to do a transfer of donated embryos.
- do two more IUIs. I have already done six, which I thought was her limit, but the first two were on clomid. So she said it would be ok to do two more. My insurance does cover IUIs minus about $500. She said my last IUI was my best response - that was when I used the maximum dosage of gonal f. My chances aren't great but it could be worth a try if I could handle it emotionally.
Whew. I left confused.
I was not expecting options. I was just expecting information. I had told myself we were done with the IF business and on to adoption.
We won't do donor egg again - there is no way to justify the expense. DH wants to get on the embryo donation list. I don't have any problem with that. The doc said she has no way of knowing how long it would take to get a call since not everyone agrees to donate their extra embryos.
I am interested in trying IUI again because, well, what the heck. DH is worried about the impact of those max level drugs on me plus the chance of down syndrome,etc, if we use my eggs. Plus he doesn't want the likely disappointment.
I want to keep moving forward with the adoption plan no matter what. The IUI has a low chance and who knows if/when we would be called for a donor embryo.
Argh. Back to decision making again. I am sick of making decisions that go nowhere.
I mean, for $30,000 down the drain, I think I should know what they think went wrong.
Here's what I heard:
-the sperm looked good
-my uterus looked good
-my lining was excellent
-the embryos looked great on date 3, pretty good on day 5 (when we did the transfer), and horrible on day 6 (which left none to freeze).
-they have not let the egg donor donate again.
She thought I would be pregnant when I walked out of the transfer since things looked pretty good. They were all disappointed on my behalf.
She acknowledged that it was probably hard for me to walk in the door and I said yes, it was. It was horrible to be there. I think over the past 2 years, I have been there about 70 times. That's a boatload of visits. So we commiserated for a while and then she went over my options:
- do nothing and live childfree
- adopt
- do egg donor again though if we did it again, she would only let us use a proven egg donor and she recommends that we consider using donor sperm on a portion (.25) of the eggs to see if there is a difference with the embryos. If there is, we will at least have something to work with. Not a bad idea.
- split a donor cycle with someone to save money. We'll have less to work with but it will be somewhat less expensive.
- get on their embryo donation list. They do have folks who donate their leftover embryos and they keep of list of those interested in receiving them. It would cost between $3 - 5,000 to do a transfer of donated embryos.
- do two more IUIs. I have already done six, which I thought was her limit, but the first two were on clomid. So she said it would be ok to do two more. My insurance does cover IUIs minus about $500. She said my last IUI was my best response - that was when I used the maximum dosage of gonal f. My chances aren't great but it could be worth a try if I could handle it emotionally.
Whew. I left confused.
I was not expecting options. I was just expecting information. I had told myself we were done with the IF business and on to adoption.
We won't do donor egg again - there is no way to justify the expense. DH wants to get on the embryo donation list. I don't have any problem with that. The doc said she has no way of knowing how long it would take to get a call since not everyone agrees to donate their extra embryos.
I am interested in trying IUI again because, well, what the heck. DH is worried about the impact of those max level drugs on me plus the chance of down syndrome,etc, if we use my eggs. Plus he doesn't want the likely disappointment.
I want to keep moving forward with the adoption plan no matter what. The IUI has a low chance and who knows if/when we would be called for a donor embryo.
Argh. Back to decision making again. I am sick of making decisions that go nowhere.
Monday, November 17, 2008
What scares me about adoption through the foster system:
As excited as we are to adopt, we are also terrified.
In the best interest of the child (which I agree with totally), when a parent is likely to have their parental rights terminated (due to previous children being taken away) our county places that child(ren) in a pre-adoptive home. Meaning, the child lives with parents who are interested in adopting the child and not just fostering. Then, when the rights are terminated, the child is legally adopted and stays with the family he or she has already been living with. It saves the child from having multiple placements during the 18 months or so that it takes to terminate the parental rights. It's good for the child and the adoptive parents get the child 18 months younger (at age 10 months, say, rather than 28 months)
This is different from a child who parents seem likely to get their act together - those children go to a standard foster home and the plan is for them to go back to their parents, assuming their parents do what they are supposed to do.
So, we are likely to take in a child(ren) who is not yet legally available for adoption. We'll care for that child(ren) for the up to 18 months it takes and then, wallah, we'll adopt and live happily ever after. Unless, the parents surprise everyone and get their act together. Then, the child(ren) goes back to them. And leaves us.
This is what terrifies us.
That we would love and care for child only to have him/her leave us. That happens in 10% of the cases. Seems like a small number but regular EggedOut readers will remember that we had a 20% chance of failure in our egg donor cycle and yep, we managed to fail.
We don't trust our luck. And we really don't want to be routing for the birth parents to fail.
This is our situation. Scary. But we will proceed. Because we are: brave? gluttons for punishment? deluded? hopeful?
In the best interest of the child (which I agree with totally), when a parent is likely to have their parental rights terminated (due to previous children being taken away) our county places that child(ren) in a pre-adoptive home. Meaning, the child lives with parents who are interested in adopting the child and not just fostering. Then, when the rights are terminated, the child is legally adopted and stays with the family he or she has already been living with. It saves the child from having multiple placements during the 18 months or so that it takes to terminate the parental rights. It's good for the child and the adoptive parents get the child 18 months younger (at age 10 months, say, rather than 28 months)
This is different from a child who parents seem likely to get their act together - those children go to a standard foster home and the plan is for them to go back to their parents, assuming their parents do what they are supposed to do.
So, we are likely to take in a child(ren) who is not yet legally available for adoption. We'll care for that child(ren) for the up to 18 months it takes and then, wallah, we'll adopt and live happily ever after. Unless, the parents surprise everyone and get their act together. Then, the child(ren) goes back to them. And leaves us.
This is what terrifies us.
That we would love and care for child only to have him/her leave us. That happens in 10% of the cases. Seems like a small number but regular EggedOut readers will remember that we had a 20% chance of failure in our egg donor cycle and yep, we managed to fail.
We don't trust our luck. And we really don't want to be routing for the birth parents to fail.
This is our situation. Scary. But we will proceed. Because we are: brave? gluttons for punishment? deluded? hopeful?
Friday, November 14, 2008
PRIDE
We finished our Adoption (PRIDE) class! It was a great class. I learned a lot and met some great people who are also trying to adopt through the county system.
At this point, I can't even fathom going through IF treatments again. This feels so much more positive and likely to work.
We were assigned a social worker and I've been told that from here, it should take about 6 months before we get our final approval. We will take this time to regroup, save money, and prepare ourselves for the next phase of our lives.
We are excited. I am excited.
I feel like a newbie again. I've started reading adoption and foster parent blogs. I don't comment on any one's blog yet - still trying to learn the lingo and just excited to hear their stories (just like 2 years ago when I started IF treatments and blog reading). I go back and read their whole blog to see how they got to where they are now. It's like a whole new world.
I do have an appointment with the RE to discuss my failed Donor Egg cycle. I don't want to go but I feel I must find out if she felt that we had a crappy donor, crappy sperm, crappy uterus, or just crappy luck. At this point I don't feel that we will try DE again but you never know. Crappy luck could follow us to the adoption end of things and we may be lured back to IF.
I'm sorry I haven't been commenting lately. I've been reading blogs again - just haven't gotten back into commenting. I'll do better.
At this point, I can't even fathom going through IF treatments again. This feels so much more positive and likely to work.
We were assigned a social worker and I've been told that from here, it should take about 6 months before we get our final approval. We will take this time to regroup, save money, and prepare ourselves for the next phase of our lives.
We are excited. I am excited.
I feel like a newbie again. I've started reading adoption and foster parent blogs. I don't comment on any one's blog yet - still trying to learn the lingo and just excited to hear their stories (just like 2 years ago when I started IF treatments and blog reading). I go back and read their whole blog to see how they got to where they are now. It's like a whole new world.
I do have an appointment with the RE to discuss my failed Donor Egg cycle. I don't want to go but I feel I must find out if she felt that we had a crappy donor, crappy sperm, crappy uterus, or just crappy luck. At this point I don't feel that we will try DE again but you never know. Crappy luck could follow us to the adoption end of things and we may be lured back to IF.
I'm sorry I haven't been commenting lately. I've been reading blogs again - just haven't gotten back into commenting. I'll do better.
Monday, November 10, 2008
The Weird Thing is...
It is much easier to tell people we are trying to adopt than it was to tell them we were going through fertility treatments. You'd think these two paths (adoption and treatments) were not both focused on the same thing: building family. But they are.
When we tell people we are trying to adopt, they are happy for us and it is very positive. When you tell people you are going through fertility treatments, they don't know what to say or they say the wrong thing. If it is not an awkward conversation, it is a depressing one.
Somehow, adoption is a universally positive thing (at least so far). People get really excited to talk about it and the conversation usually ends with me feeling more excited.
We have one more PRIDE class (that's the 9 week required class if you want to adopt through the county foster care system). I learned a lot when I was going through fertility treatments; this is the same way. I am learning about what a child adopted at an older age needs to develop into a healthy adult. I am learning about the foster system and the court system. I have to say, I find it interesting.
What is also interesting is that here we are, anticipating becoming parents, and we have no idea what number or type of children will be coming into our home. We are open to adopting siblings (3 at the most) though we would also take a baby. So when we talk about our future family, all options are on the table. Makes it a little hard to plan but it is also like anticipating a gift (or 3). Kind of exciting.
This is my update.
When we tell people we are trying to adopt, they are happy for us and it is very positive. When you tell people you are going through fertility treatments, they don't know what to say or they say the wrong thing. If it is not an awkward conversation, it is a depressing one.
Somehow, adoption is a universally positive thing (at least so far). People get really excited to talk about it and the conversation usually ends with me feeling more excited.
We have one more PRIDE class (that's the 9 week required class if you want to adopt through the county foster care system). I learned a lot when I was going through fertility treatments; this is the same way. I am learning about what a child adopted at an older age needs to develop into a healthy adult. I am learning about the foster system and the court system. I have to say, I find it interesting.
What is also interesting is that here we are, anticipating becoming parents, and we have no idea what number or type of children will be coming into our home. We are open to adopting siblings (3 at the most) though we would also take a baby. So when we talk about our future family, all options are on the table. Makes it a little hard to plan but it is also like anticipating a gift (or 3). Kind of exciting.
This is my update.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
I am here
I am still here. I guess I should say something. I haven't known what to say so I've been avoiding this blog and haven't been reading others either.
I feel so defeated.
For the moment, and maybe forever, we have given up on getting pregnant. I just don't think we have the emotional strength to put ourselves through that again. Coincidentally, we don't have the financial strength to do it again either.
We have decided to pursue adoption and have gotten involved in the county adoption system. It will take 3 - 6 months to finish all of our paper works, home studies, courses, etc, and then we will be eligible to take a child who has been taken away from his/her parents. There are siblings as well. This child may be an infant but will more likely be older.
It is very complicated. At times, I am seized with fear that we will get a child who is so wounded that all of our love won't be able to bring him or her to a healthy life. At other times, I am so excited about having children in the house, I don't care what age they are. I want to plan birthday parties, make Halloween costumes, read bedtime stories, and go to soccer games, etc.
DH and I get very excited talking about these potential children and how we will raise them and how the house will be with kids around. We are hopeful.
We have started taking the foster/adoption classes. It is interesting. There are a few folks like us there - who don't have kids and want them. There are others who have children and want more and there are a few who have adopted a slew of kids and want to adopt more. One woman has 8 kids and wants more! I have to say that there is a part of me that wants to yell - "hey, sit on your hands for a while and let the rest of us have a chance!" But that would be dumb because everyone there is adopting a child who has been taken from his or her lame ass parents and deserves to have a loving family.
It is an interesting shift to think about adopting an older child who is in the system (as they say). We will spend time trying to overcome what the child has been through and praying that the child comes to love us and we to love him or her. If I thought getting a donor egg was a leap of faith and a belief in nurture over nature, this is one up from that!
Anyway, safe to say that I have mixed feelings on this. I am glad for the classes as they seem to be very realistic about what to expect. The odds are will us that will end up with a child via this route. And I think that is the most important thing to us. To end up with a child.
I feel so defeated.
For the moment, and maybe forever, we have given up on getting pregnant. I just don't think we have the emotional strength to put ourselves through that again. Coincidentally, we don't have the financial strength to do it again either.
We have decided to pursue adoption and have gotten involved in the county adoption system. It will take 3 - 6 months to finish all of our paper works, home studies, courses, etc, and then we will be eligible to take a child who has been taken away from his/her parents. There are siblings as well. This child may be an infant but will more likely be older.
It is very complicated. At times, I am seized with fear that we will get a child who is so wounded that all of our love won't be able to bring him or her to a healthy life. At other times, I am so excited about having children in the house, I don't care what age they are. I want to plan birthday parties, make Halloween costumes, read bedtime stories, and go to soccer games, etc.
DH and I get very excited talking about these potential children and how we will raise them and how the house will be with kids around. We are hopeful.
We have started taking the foster/adoption classes. It is interesting. There are a few folks like us there - who don't have kids and want them. There are others who have children and want more and there are a few who have adopted a slew of kids and want to adopt more. One woman has 8 kids and wants more! I have to say that there is a part of me that wants to yell - "hey, sit on your hands for a while and let the rest of us have a chance!" But that would be dumb because everyone there is adopting a child who has been taken from his or her lame ass parents and deserves to have a loving family.
It is an interesting shift to think about adopting an older child who is in the system (as they say). We will spend time trying to overcome what the child has been through and praying that the child comes to love us and we to love him or her. If I thought getting a donor egg was a leap of faith and a belief in nurture over nature, this is one up from that!
Anyway, safe to say that I have mixed feelings on this. I am glad for the classes as they seem to be very realistic about what to expect. The odds are will us that will end up with a child via this route. And I think that is the most important thing to us. To end up with a child.
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