I have sunk into a depression.
Going to the RE and being given the chance to be on the embryo donation list has messed with my emotions and my resolve.
There we were, going along with the foster/adoption plan. Attending classes, reading books, meeting with the social worker. Anticipating the child/children that might come to us. Learning about attachment issues. Feeling confident with our plan. Fertility issues behind us.
But hey, how about embryo donation? When you start thinking about it, how can you not veer towards it? A baby that I would give birth to. A baby that no court could take away from us later on. A baby that we would have from day one (actually, it could be a five day transfer so from day five of fertilization plus the time it spent frozen. OK, for argument's sake, let's just say day one).
This option is more agreeable than the foster adoption plan. We would be matched with the embryo, send a lawyer some money, the embryos would be legally ours, and any resulting child would be ours with no worry that someone would take him or her away from us.
It's like we have come to a screeching halt in our adoption plans. We haven't turned in the next set of papers. We haven't gotten our physicals. We haven't given up but we've lost our momentum.
I want to keep moving forward on both plans. It's just hard not to hold out hope for the possible donated embryo. And this has sent my emotions into overload. I find that DH and I talk much more about the embryo donation path than the adoption path. The embryo donation may not happen. It may not work (remember, I didn't get pregnant with a donor egg). We need to have plan B in place. Did I just admit that embryo donation is plan A? I guess I did. I don't want to wait another 6 - 12 months only to find that it didn't work.
So, I need to come up with the energy (emotional and otherwise since it's a lot of paperwork, meetings, classes, etc) to keep pursuing adoption.