Tuesday, December 9, 2008

That threw me for a loop

I have sunk into a depression.

Going to the RE and being given the chance to be on the embryo donation list has messed with my emotions and my resolve.

There we were, going along with the foster/adoption plan. Attending classes, reading books, meeting with the social worker. Anticipating the child/children that might come to us. Learning about attachment issues. Feeling confident with our plan. Fertility issues behind us.

But hey, how about embryo donation? When you start thinking about it, how can you not veer towards it? A baby that I would give birth to. A baby that no court could take away from us later on. A baby that we would have from day one (actually, it could be a five day transfer so from day five of fertilization plus the time it spent frozen. OK, for argument's sake, let's just say day one).

This option is more agreeable than the foster adoption plan. We would be matched with the embryo, send a lawyer some money, the embryos would be legally ours, and any resulting child would be ours with no worry that someone would take him or her away from us.

It's like we have come to a screeching halt in our adoption plans. We haven't turned in the next set of papers. We haven't gotten our physicals. We haven't given up but we've lost our momentum.

I want to keep moving forward on both plans. It's just hard not to hold out hope for the possible donated embryo. And this has sent my emotions into overload. I find that DH and I talk much more about the embryo donation path than the adoption path. The embryo donation may not happen. It may not work (remember, I didn't get pregnant with a donor egg). We need to have plan B in place. Did I just admit that embryo donation is plan A? I guess I did. I don't want to wait another 6 - 12 months only to find that it didn't work.

So, I need to come up with the energy (emotional and otherwise since it's a lot of paperwork, meetings, classes, etc) to keep pursuing adoption.



Wordgirl said...

I find that this process is a constant shifting of expectations and desires --and it's been difficult for me to know which path felt right for me-- I think its powerful to come to a place where one path draws you to it -- then you have a sense of 'what next' - -that, for me has been the hardest part...

I'm here and boy does this suck (how eloquent is that!)



Sue said...

I think having more options just makes things more difficult, so I can understand how you feel.

Rebeccah said...

I so completely understand these feelings! And Pam is right about the constant shifting ... at least that's how it was with me. One minute I'd be completely focused on adoption, then next minute contemplating another IVF ... and even now when we're in the adoption pool, I'm still having days (like today) when I badly want to try again for a pregnancy, no matter how it happens. Except that we can't because all of our resources are now dedicated to adoption. Sigh.

Lorraine said...

I hope you can find a way to continue to pursue both paths openly - it seems like he right option will be the one that presents itself most easily. I know that's easy to say from an outsider's perspective, but that's par for the course...

It seems like embryo donation is the option I read about the least - I would love to know more as you go forward.

jodie38 said...

The best path sure does change daily, doesn't it? Unbelievably frustrating. I hear you.

Hang in there - do what you can, and follow both paths as well as possible until your best option presents itself...

Sky said...

As always, I have a long answer :(

When deciding on shoes, too many options are bad, 'cause you'll drive yourself nuts, but you know you'll come home with shoes.

However, in the infertility world, alternative options are a blessing because, as we all know, outcomes are far from certain. But I only think it's a good thing if you can run the plans concurrantly - otherwise it's maddening to wait for one to fail before initiating the other (and donor embryos are hard to come by so if you can get some, grab them!!!)

Would you feel good about giving your RE a great big hug and a thank you and asking him to to hurry up and get you on the donor embryo list and the same day continue your adoption paperwork?

That way you have 2 avenues on the horizon and like Lorraine said, whichever one comes through the easiest is meant to be :)

Incidentally, I accepted a donor embryo this past summer. It resulted in a chemical pregnancy but I wasn't the least bit sorry I did it. In retrospect, I only wish I'd had my hydrosalpinx removed before then (no one told me!) because it always lingers in my mind if that wasn't the cause of the failure.

I'm going on to a donor egg cycle and I wish adoption were a viable option for me, 'cause I think I'd get that ball rolling simultaneously.

Much luck, whatever you decide.

Jennifer said...

May you find the strength you need right now!

Tarahville said...

The journey that IF leads us on is never laid smooth. There are always better ways, new methods or new technology.

I know how you're feeling with all these "choices" laying out on the table. My story is a little different, but one of our options is also embryo adoption. We've looked into it and I have some agencies that you can go through if it is going to take awhile for your RE to match you up.

I know that when the time is right, you'll make the perfect decision for you and your family.

Thinking of you and keeping you close to my heart as you go through this.


Sky said...

Honey, you haven't posted in weeks and I'm worried about you after the sunk into deep depression comment.

I know this is hard. BOY, DO I KNOW!!! But please try to see your RE's offer of a donor embryo as GREAT NEWS! It doesn't and shouldn't hinder your adoption path whatsoever.

Go full force towards them both and whichever works first will bring you the baby you were always intended to have!

This is just more opportunity - it's all good. Hugs!

Karen said...

This is so hard. I'm sorry about that. I can't imagine what this crossroads must feel like.

bluemoon said...

Like Wordgirl said, these "options" are agonizing. For me, the the process of choosing donor sperm was mentally stressful. On with IVF and 30K later, my DH and I were told my eggs are bad because of my age and that donor eggs would be our best bet. Gee thanks!

Before our attempt, we found out that infant adoption would cost us$25K in our area. So we decided that for that amount of money we should at least try one last time to have our own, ha! Now after that little dream was busted, we have two "options" - a donor egg cycle for another 30K (puff, let me just get that from under my matress) or proceed with 25K adoption. Simple, right?

In reading your story, I felt like I was reading my own and it makes me really really mad that we suffer in silence while the clinics do their "research" on our dime. Moreover, the stupid questions in the homestudy make me mad at the world b/c I have to prove that I am a decent human being who will make a great parent while others just sneeze and reproduce.

It is just sad that so many women longing for a family are being thrown for a loop everyday with so many "choices" to have a family. So many will continue to suffer in silence. Although I have been visiting many blogs without commenting, I felt I needed to share my experience with you for whatever it is worth.

Anonymous said...

I am happy to share my experience. I contacted Ukrainian clinic BioTexCom after having negative experiences from a center in the UK. The UK center was negative because of my age at 46. I decided to look elsewhere. I contacted various IVF clinics throughout Europe. I was apprehensive about the language barrier and the clinic helping to create a wonderful baby. I contacted the coordinator at BioTexCom who was immediately receptive, very professional and answered all my questions and concerns. They were very clear from the beginning about what the treatment would entail including precise costs and timings which were important to us. We opted for a donor whom this clinic carefully matched to me in physical appearance such as height, eye and hair color and interests. The process was very simple and flights were booked easily to Kiev. The housing which was given by BioTexCom was fantastic. The clinic was immaculate and the manager I encountered spoke excellent English and was extremely professional and put us at ease. The treatment was very straightforward. We were kept up to date at every step and there was no anxiety or stress. We are delighted with not one but twin gorgeous babies who fit in perfectly in appearance to our other children. I could not praise this clinic and their staff enough as they were all truly amazing and so understanding and supportive. I’m so grateful to them for helping us create truly wonderful babies and making our family complete!