Friday, June 6, 2008

It didn't help my confidence in this whole thing

Last night, we had our consultation with the lawyer over the egg donor contract. We did it be phone and she went over all of the issues in the contract to be sure we understood everything. It's pretty cut and dry and we had read it beforehand so there were no surprises.

She did, however, mention several times that we are paying for an opportunity and not an outcome. Meaning that we are taking a lot of risk and if the egg donors eggs aren't good or don't fertilize or the embryos don't make it to freeze, etc, etc, it's not her fault. She is agreeing to go through the process on our behalf. She is not guaranteeing that we will have a successful outcome.

Of course I know all this. And this is where my biggest fear lies. That we will go through all of this, pay all this money, and be in the same spot we are now: childless. I don't want to have the make the decision again as to what to do. We have had to make so many fricken decisions during this whole process. I thought my big decision was to go to an RE in the first place. Little did I know what we would end up getting involved with. And to think, at my first meeting with the RE, I refused to even consider injectibles - opting for clomid even though he said at my age, clomid wasn't the best way to go. Injecting myself just seemed so extreme at the time. And now look where we are.

I guess with IF there is no way to get around the waiting. The 2 week wait is the worst. This waiting isn't so bad but I'm just ready to get on with it already. We made the decision to go with a donor egg in early Feb and it's looking like we won't be getting that actual egg (please!) until late July. I'm losing time here. Not much I can do about it so I'm trying to relax and focus on the end goal - a child - and how great that will be to have a child in our lives. I can't wait.


Phoebe said...

I know what you mean about going from clomid to injections. It's almost like you have to go through a failure to get yourself ready for the next thing. The decisions are really difficult during the whole IVF process. You never know if you are making the right decision since there are no guarantees. I know this might not help, but July is only a month away!

Chris said...

Every step of this whole infertility process makes you consider things that you never in a million years dreamed that you would ever have to consider. Yes, it sucks, and keeps on getting suckier as the stakes and costs keep going up. Only you know what is best for you and your family, and you can't second guess yourself. I'm still rooting for you!

Mrs. B said...

That's funny, when we started out I wouldn't even consider Clomid, now look where we are. It's amazing the journey that life takes you through. I'm sending all my positive vibes your way that this is the right decision for you and next year at this time you will be holding your little one in your arms.

Roni said...

I totally understand how you feel. It is terrifying, the lack of control, the clock ticking- the money (argh) - I really know.

Breathe. The atty has to tell you all of that, which you know. It sucks to hear, but that is the protocol. Although this is anxiety laden, it is an incredible journey, and one from which there is no reason why you shouldn't have a successful outcome. Yes, donors are like playing russian roulette to an extent, but it is less likely to have a bad donor experience than a good one. And I got pregnant on my first donor cycle. We had 12 eggs retrieved, 10 fertilized, 4 good ones so 2 on ice - and I was freaking out because we didn't have many chances. And I got pregnant first time with the 2 fresh. And my donor's protocol was for low stim (I was in South Africa - that's how they do it there). So you should be looking at significantly higher results. And remember, it takes one. There's no reason why you shouldn't have great success.

And I can tell you from personal experience that all the years, the struggle, the wait, the pain and stress - melts away. You will get there.

It is SO hard to be where you are. The only thing you can do for now is one day at a time.