It's a difficult place. The decision has been made by the brain but the heart is taking time to fall in to step. I know that donor egg is the best way to go, the most reasonable, the most likely to succeed, a way to start our family (which is our goal),etc. But I am delaying taking the next step. I need to call the doctor and set things up. We've picked our donor. We have a plan for the $30,000 or so it will cost (holy crap that's a lot of money). The doctor is just waiting for us to say go.
What is going on? I'm on pause. I'm just sitting with the emotions. One thing that is making this extra difficult for me is that we decided not to tell anyone our plan just yet. Once the word is out that we are using a donor egg, there is no getting it back. A secret is not a secret after you tell someone. We may well tell folks but for now, we're not sure how we will do it and we want to be in control of the information. Don't worry, we will tell the child. It's just a matter of whether or not to tell my family.
So, to honor our agreement to not tell anyone just yet, I have not told my two closest friends nor my mom. And these three people have been very supportive of me during all of this fertility stuff. And I am finding it very hard not to tell them about the donor egg plan. I think I need their emotional support during this time. I am sure they will be supportive (well, I'm not 100% sure of my mom). So I feel like I am hiding something from there AND it would be nice to share about this with someone other than DH and the blog world. I think that would help me move forward.
I think I'm going to talk to DH about telling my two best friends. I know there is a chance that they will blab it to others. Even if they promise not to. Argh.
Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I haven't disappeared from blog land. I'm just hit the pause button for a while.
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5 comments:
I think you are smart to wait and really think about who to tell and when. Once it's out there, you can't take it back. I see why getting started is hard of course, but I also hope that this decision has brought at least a little peace for you. A lot of emotions to deal with right now for you! Good luck with all these difficult decisions.
I'm so thrilled that you've chosen your donor! That is a lot of money, but it will be well worth the investment!!! GOOD LUCK!
I can understand the pause button -- wouldn't it be nice if there was one for life in general?
Pause.
Pause.
Fast forward.
Are you on hold because of telling people or because you haven't let go of your genetic loss yet? I ask because I have 2 donor kids and the hard part was actually letting go of my genetics...I didn't think this was a big deal until we signed the donor papers and then I had to mourn a bit, ok, a lot, I bawled, I soul searched. I wasn't going to pass on my gorgeous thick hair or crooked toes. I had thousands of questions and nobody to talk to - because we weren't telling. It was lonely. Now, I have 2 kids that despite choosing donors that looked like me - they don't look like me one bit! And, boy oh boy do I love them like crazy. I'm their Mom. Just trying to support you. It's confusing, it's lonely and you have a loss. Chin up - plunge forward and do it!
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