Friday, February 8, 2008

That was overwhelming

I thought that the decision to use an egg donor was the hard part. Boy, did I have that wrong.

DH and I met with the doctor today to officially declare our interest in using an egg donor. She was pleased with the decision - I guess because she wants us to be successful. She outlayed the logistics of the whole thing and answered our questions and then gave us The Book. The Book with the potential donors.

Talk about overwhelming. First, there were about 30 to choose from. About half we immediately ruled out because they were of a different race. I want the baby to at least have a chance of being taken as my own bio child. Then we scoured the remaining 15. Some were very short (I am 5'6" - not super tall but it would be nice to have someone within a few inches). Some had some things on their little bio that for whatever reason didn't appeal to us - like one had a boob job. I don't really care if she had one but I am a really down to earth person who rarely wears make-up so we both ruled her out.

Then we narrowed it down to about 5. All were in the same ball park of height, weight, race, coloring, etc. So we had to dig a little deeper. Some had college degrees, others didn't. I don't think that a college degree necessarily indicates intelligence but I have a master's degree and from the information we had, a college degree (or in the process of getting one) is the only way to gauge intelligence. Believe me, I know plenty of college grads that aren't all that smart... But we decided to throw that in the mix of our criteria for making a decision.

Oh, I forgot to mention that there was pictures! I didn't expect that at all. And frankly, the photos complicated the decision. For example, there was one who just looked like a nice person. DH was drawn to her immediately. She looked nice and friendly, she was about the same height and coloring, but she doesn't have any college education and she won't be available until July or August (2 others have already "reservered" her. I didn't expect that kind of complication).

Then there was one who had a big smile. I have a big smile. It's a family trait. I immediately thought that if our child had that smile, everyone would immediately say she looks like me or like my family. This donor has a college degree and she is a little taller than me. Her ethnic background matches mine: Irish/German. What's the hold up, you may be wondering? She is from out of state. If we chose her, it would cost an additional $4,500.

All and all, we are looking at roughly $30,000 for this opportunity. What we want out of it is at least one pregnancy and a few embryos on ice so if it all works, we can have a sibling from the same donor. They will tell us if the donors have done it before and what their results were. I am not willing to go with a first time person. It is too expensive to risk only getting a few eggs. There was one donor that looked like a good fit but she wrote that her cycles only last 21 days. That raised a red flag to me as it seems a bit short and I'm not convinced she would do well. The cycle length may not matter at all but I ruled her out just for that. Was that a bad idea?

We spent about 2 hours at the doctor's and then decided we were overwhelmed and had to leave. I don't know why I thought it would be easy. We made a list of our top picks and left. We will sleep on it for a few days or a few weeks or a few months - however long it takes - and then decide later.

Once we decide, assuming the donor is ready to start, we can start within 6 weeks! Wow! That's fast. DH and I talked more at lunch and decided that no matter how overwhelming and stressful this is, it will be worth it when (not if) we start our family.

I did also tell DH that we should try on our own this month because who knows, we just may get lucky and spare ourselves all of this trouble ... Wishful thinking, huh?


Meghan said...

Whew...I hadn't thought about everything that goes into picking a donor. Good luck with your decision

Jennifer said...

Sounds like you've done a great job narrowing down your options and that's a HUGE it's that final decision you need to take your time with! The one who's out of town sounds just perfect...too bad she's got a premium on her...but if having someone as close to looking like you as possible - maybe that premium is worth it (if you're spending $30K already). I wish you all the best in making this tough decision and will pray that it won't be so hard for you and DH.

Swim said...

Wow... I too never thought of all the requirements I would have for a potential egg donor. I'm on the same page with you, I'd want someone to say how much their smile looked like mine.

Good luck with your decision and trying naturally is never wishful thinking (and it's alot more fun that ART);-)

Rebeccah said...

That all sounds very exciting -- wishing you the best of luck! We've been thinking about trying an egg donor cycle too, but are leaning towards adoption for now. No matter what the option, it sure does cost, doesn't it? Phew.

CAM said...

Wow, those are some intense decisions! It sounds as if you are working well together on making choices that make sense to both of you and thats great.
As far as trying this month...GO FOR IT...the trying is the fun part!!
I'll be thinking of you.

~Carrie said...

I hadn't thought of all the things one would have to consider when selecting an egg donor either. What a difficult decision. I think the way you are narrowing down the potential donors makes sense. Of course you want someone who has similar physical characteristics, and a smile is a big thing! Something like that can be more important, I think, than a similar nose, etc. I also know what you mean about education - education doesn't necessarily mean someone is 'smarter' but it's really the only way you can narrow things down further.

It's a shame the one donor who has so many qualities you're looking for is extra $ when this is already so expensive. I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible for you.

And of *course* you should try on your own! That's not wishful thinking, it does happen. As I always say (well, I don't always say, actually ;) ) take advantage of ovulation if you can!

Oh, and I have tagged you. I hope that's ok - I know you have a LOT on your mind. I hope tagging is a nice distraction.

Claire said...

Isn't it nice to move on to the next plan? And of course you should keep trying on your own! Can't remember if I sent you the link to the woman who got pregnant at 43 years and 11 months old after two failed IVF cycles. Her link in on my blog under "fertility resources" as "Infertility-Fertility Over 40". Whatever you choose, you will have your family.

M said...

I've been keeping up with your blog, Egged, and wanted to let you know you inspire me a lot! Best of luck with all of your decisions. 6 weeks sounds very promising!