Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Talk about roller coaster

This whole egg donor thing is it's own personal rollercoaster. With the elation of "yeah! I found a solution to my problem", there is the "holy crap, the child won't be biologically related to me" and all the emotions that come with that.

It's weird. I have always considered adoption an option for us and indeed, we will go that way if the egg donor plan doesn't work. When you adopt, you don't try to pick your replacement. You don't ask the eye color and smile size of the birth mom. Hell, many people adopt children of different races. So why do I feel compelled to find my "replacement". My match in education, coloring, height, disposition, etc. I guess because most people will assume that the child is from my egg - why would they guess otherwise?

Sometimes I think we should try one more time with my eggs - but we tried "one more time" last time and I didn't come up with enough follicles to do IVF. So what would be different - and why spend that extra $10,000 just to fail again? And then yesterday I was talking to my friend and she said she began peri-menopause at age 43. I am soon to be age 42. So that makes me want to just get on with getting pregnant and don't delay with all these other options. We have a decent option with a donor who seems like a good match - I just need to set it up already.

I haven't been waivering but I have been thinking and thinking about what it means to potentially give birth to a child who is not biologically related to me. This is a situation I never thought I would have to comtemplate.

It's stressful. We have a friend in town all this week and weekend so we are not going to do anything until she leaves. So this is the contemplation week. The idea of the big smile donor is really growing on both of us and probably we will initiate the process next week. I've looked into some financing and we can afford it - it's like buying a new car (which we did last summer).

Anyway, I guess I am surprised at the amount of deliberation I am doing on the topic of a donor egg. I thought it would be a lot smoother for me emotionally, especially since it's been on the table for a few months now.

I hope all are ok. Take care,



Mrs. B said...

Of course you are wondering what to do... this is such an important thing to you. I'd be really surprised if you had said you never had any second thoughts...

~Carrie said...

I can't imagine NOT being filled with a ton of different emotions regarding the donor egg process! It's a whole new set of issues and decisions, and not something I think you can really prepare for, even if it's been in the back of your mind for months. And I think it's natural, if you have the opportunity, to try and get a donor that 'matches' your characteristics. I mean, why not?

I can understand you thinking about trying again with your own eggs, especially since you never found out conclusively that your eggs weren't 'good'. (though I'm not trying to assume how you feel!)

I think you have been remarkably strong through this entire process. I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible.

Wordgirl said...

Hi there,

I've been stumbling through the IF blogosphere...bleary-eyed and searching...there's something in your journey...I too have had failed clomid IUI's, failed hyperstimulation IUIs...have just switched to an RE to see what happens next...

I always find that I am great at intellectualizing things...and then my emotions catch up.

Damn them.

Sending you warm thoughts,


Sheona said...

Thank you for your blog.

I have selected a donor for our sperm. It was a difficult and emotional decision. However, I think it may have been slightly easier for me because we only had five to choose from and we didn't have photos (that would have been soooo hard).

My blog is ivfjournal.wordpress.com. Good luck with your decision.