Ramblings

First, thank you all for your support. It means the world. I will be a better supporter of others because I know how much it helps. It really helps to read the comments and feel your empathy. THANK YOU.

I think the worst is over. I'll still cry at the drop of a hat but I'm starting to come out of the funk. I have not run out and bought a dog - maybe this weekend. I want to get the right one for us. Last night I laid on the sofa missing our dog and thinking about what comfort she would have been during this time. She was a snuggler.

I've told all those irl who knew (only 3 plus dh) and I'm thankful that I had only told 3. Those were hard phone calls.

Back to my situation. IT SUCKS. I guess it sucks the most because now we are at square one again and have to figure out where to put our (meager) emotional and financial resources. I wish I could fast forward to the happy place where I have a little toddler who is part of of my life. I can see the image - a mom going about her daily business, not worrying about how to procure a child from this earth. Just loving on the one (or two) she has. And just occasionally thinking back to the bad dream (nightmare) of infertility. But knowing that it was all worth so she could have this child who she loves so much. That keeps me going. Keeps my eyes on the prize.

We can't give up. I want to have children. I've already been childless - I know what that is like, thank you very much, and yes, it does have it's advantages, but I'm ready for something different. For the second half (or second 2/3s - can we be optimistic?), I'd like to try out parenting. So, we have to persevere and figure out how we are going to do this.

We'd been working on this egg donor project since February. That's when we made the decision and started the process. Now it is August. We lost 6 months on that. 6 months!! We could have been partly through the adoption process. We could have done 3 more IUIs (not that I wanted to but it would have been cheaper and probably the same outcome anyway). But the worst part is the 6 months of putting our hopes and dreams into that egg donor cycle. We would talk about it and make plans for it and work our lives around it. For example, we like to go down to Baja California (we live in San Diego) and where we go has a long dirt road. So, I'd say, well, if I'm 7 months pregnant with twins, we're not going there. And so we would plan our trips around this supposed pregnancy and then the arrival of the child. We've been wanting to buy a house and now is the time with the downturn in the market. We've gone back and forth over whether or not to buy a fixer upper. I'd say, if I'm pregnant or have a small child, I don't want a house in shambles - I'll need to nest. So we would plan around that concept of a pregnant Egged wanting her house in order for the arrival of her baby.

OK, we shouldn't have let ourselves put that much faith in the long awaited egg donor cycle but I submit to you that we, at the Egged household, don't have all that much else exciting to talk about. What can top the idea of starting a family? And going through a donor egg cycle with an 80% chance of success? We talked about this potential success way more than we did for any of the IUI cycles. Those had nary a chance.

I'm trying to figure out what hurts the most - not that it matters - it's all a loss. A loss of time, hope, money, potential, and for now, it's a loss of happiness.

I'm really sad.

And there is no easy way to solve this problem. Adoption - complicated and expensive. Egg donor cycle - risky and expensive. Every solution requires a grand gesture of effort, hope, and resources. There's no shortcut. You have to really want this. I feel like I have to prove that over and over.

This to the Universe: how much more proof do you need? We really want this. We are not just jerking around. We want children. We want a family. We'll keep trying on our end but PLEASE deliver on your end.