Friday, August 8, 2008

Ramblings

First, thank you all for your support. It means the world. I will be a better supporter of others because I know how much it helps. It really helps to read the comments and feel your empathy. THANK YOU.

I think the worst is over. I'll still cry at the drop of a hat but I'm starting to come out of the funk. I have not run out and bought a dog - maybe this weekend. I want to get the right one for us. Last night I laid on the sofa missing our dog and thinking about what comfort she would have been during this time. She was a snuggler.

I've told all those irl who knew (only 3 plus dh) and I'm thankful that I had only told 3. Those were hard phone calls.

Back to my situation. IT SUCKS. I guess it sucks the most because now we are at square one again and have to figure out where to put our (meager) emotional and financial resources. I wish I could fast forward to the happy place where I have a little toddler who is part of of my life. I can see the image - a mom going about her daily business, not worrying about how to procure a child from this earth. Just loving on the one (or two) she has. And just occasionally thinking back to the bad dream (nightmare) of infertility. But knowing that it was all worth so she could have this child who she loves so much. That keeps me going. Keeps my eyes on the prize.

We can't give up. I want to have children. I've already been childless - I know what that is like, thank you very much, and yes, it does have it's advantages, but I'm ready for something different. For the second half (or second 2/3s - can we be optimistic?), I'd like to try out parenting. So, we have to persevere and figure out how we are going to do this.

We'd been working on this egg donor project since February. That's when we made the decision and started the process. Now it is August. We lost 6 months on that. 6 months!! We could have been partly through the adoption process. We could have done 3 more IUIs (not that I wanted to but it would have been cheaper and probably the same outcome anyway). But the worst part is the 6 months of putting our hopes and dreams into that egg donor cycle. We would talk about it and make plans for it and work our lives around it. For example, we like to go down to Baja California (we live in San Diego) and where we go has a long dirt road. So, I'd say, well, if I'm 7 months pregnant with twins, we're not going there. And so we would plan our trips around this supposed pregnancy and then the arrival of the child. We've been wanting to buy a house and now is the time with the downturn in the market. We've gone back and forth over whether or not to buy a fixer upper. I'd say, if I'm pregnant or have a small child, I don't want a house in shambles - I'll need to nest. So we would plan around that concept of a pregnant Egged wanting her house in order for the arrival of her baby.

OK, we shouldn't have let ourselves put that much faith in the long awaited egg donor cycle but I submit to you that we, at the Egged household, don't have all that much else exciting to talk about. What can top the idea of starting a family? And going through a donor egg cycle with an 80% chance of success? We talked about this potential success way more than we did for any of the IUI cycles. Those had nary a chance.

I'm trying to figure out what hurts the most - not that it matters - it's all a loss. A loss of time, hope, money, potential, and for now, it's a loss of happiness.

I'm really sad.

And there is no easy way to solve this problem. Adoption - complicated and expensive. Egg donor cycle - risky and expensive. Every solution requires a grand gesture of effort, hope, and resources. There's no shortcut. You have to really want this. I feel like I have to prove that over and over.

This to the Universe: how much more proof do you need? We really want this. We are not just jerking around. We want children. We want a family. We'll keep trying on our end but PLEASE deliver on your end.

11 comments:

Roni said...

No words. Just hugs. I know how you feel.

DE Mommy said...

If you decide to pursue DE again, I'd encourage you to think about San Diego Fertility Center.

WIth your history, I think they'd have you in your next cycle within 3 months--that's their guarantee--you're cycling 3 months at the latest after entering their DE program.

They also have an 80% success rate with DE. http://www.sart.org/find_frm.html That's the highest in the country. and most of the cycles I've seen there have frosties.

I know it's wrong to throw information at a grieving person, but we're heading out in a few hours and I don't know when I'll get to comment again.

Give yourself time to grieve and I hope this isn't too rude of a post.

(((Hugs))))

Midlife Mommy said...

I wish that I had something magic to say to help you feel better, but I don't, though I do understand how you feel. Hugs, hugs, hugs. And wine (at least that helps me sometimes).

Mrs. B said...

I'm sending you lots of love. And the hope that you come through this o.k. and with your sanity still in check.

*hugs*

Summer said...

I hear you about making plans around your cycles and the possibility of having a kid. And when the cycle fails, it's like a domino effect. You have not only lost the hopes and dreams related to holding a child in your arms soon, you have lost the life you put on hold because you were trying to get to that child.

I wish all these words we are giving you could take some of the pain of the loss away.

Pam said...

I'm so sorry. I can totally understand how you feel. We had a long year or so where a friend had offered to be our donor but in the end we had a falling out and had to start all over. Last fall we had our first shared ED cycle and it was a BFN. We had 2 make it to freeze and in March our FET resulted in a BFN as well. I had no idea what we were going to do as we definitely didn't have another $20K. But it seems the Gods were smiling at us because our clinic called that they had a donor if we were interested. We had to figure out how we were going to finance that cycle, and we were able to do so and go to transfer tomorrow. I was devastated when I found that our first cycles had failed. I'm 47 and all I could think of was that I can't keep doing this. I hope you're able to pursue DE again, with the suggestions of Roni and DE Mommy. Please don't give up just yet.

Kate said...

I'm grieving with you. It's like being kicked when you're down. I always ask, how much does one person have to go through? Don't lose hope!! And, take care of you right now.

Sherry said...

Hi - came by way of Rebeccah @ Chasing a Child...I wish I had something to say to take that pain away - though I know all to well, there are no words to do that.

I'm just sending you some hugs and good thoughts . . .

As someone who has experienced a failed DE cycle, I can tell you it does eventually get easier - but for now, yeah it does really just suck - big time. So sorry.

Wordgirl said...

I've been thinking of you. I read this when it was posted and then wanted to come back with the right words -- I always think that somehow I"m going to be able to summon them when there are no right words.

I'm just here, reading, sitting with you and your thoughts.

Warmly,

Pam

MamaBear said...

Wow. I can't even imagine what you're going through right now. I really can't. But I hurt for you and wish you the very best.

Kate said...

Hey there-
I found this quote the other day and thought maybe it would help:
"You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you." I thought it applied to everyone of us dealing with IF. Another quote that helped me deal with the depression of when I was first diagnosed with POF was, "This, too, shall pass." I'm thinking of you!!