Monday, August 25, 2008

We are still numb

DH and I have agreed to talk (yell, cry) about all of our feelings (sadness, anger, frustration, hope, etc) over the three day weekend when we are on a trip. For the past few weeks, the feelings have bubbled up off and on but we are relatively quick to not go to that painful place of the first few days we got our BFN. The place of enormous body crushing disappointment.

But this weekend will be a feel-a-thon. We'll give ourselves the space, time, and support to say and feel the whole range of feelings. My therapist (who I just started seeing again - very timely) suggested that we try to get at all the feelings of TTC for the past 5 years. So we can then move on. It's been five years of disappointments - bit by bit but now we are in a big hole. We need to climb out.

We are paralyzed right now. We are stuck. So I'm actually looking forward to this weekend because I just want to get the anger out, the sadness out. Surely, it won't take the pain and sadness all away but I'm hoping it will serve as some sort of cleansing. Some sort of moving on so we are better able to decide what to do.

I'm going to burn that photo of the failed embryos. That sounds weird but I don't want to find that photo some day unexpectedly. I want to put it to rest. We don't need it taunting us. Reminding us. Neither of us has touched it since that day. It is just sitting on the counter and I think we didn't want to pick it up because then we would have to talk about it and do something with it. When I suggested we burn it this weekend, DH was on board.

I'm sorry I haven't been out there commenting very much. It is really hard to read about the BFPs and the struggles. I'm not quite in a supportive mood but I am truly happy for the BFPs. Everyone deserves it. We all deserve it.

On a positive note - the new dog does give us joy. She is perfect and better than I ever expected. She must have gotten lost from a home where she was well loved because she quickly transferred her flags to us and has become a great companion.


Sue said...

Yay for the new dog! Dogs are so relentlessly cheery even when you're not. I think it will be good for you to burn the picture and good to talk to your husband. Take care of yourself.

Jojobee said...

I am so sorry things didn't work out for you two. My heart hurts and I'm sorry you have to deal with the pain. I'm glad that you two are going away this weekend to just do what you need to do, I think that'll be great for the both of you. Please know that you're in my prayers and I pray that this weekend will give you two some kind of hope for the future.

As for the dog! YAY! That's so wonderful! What a great distraction! :) Dogs = endless love!

Mrs. B said...

I wish there were some magical words that I can say that would make all of this better but I don't know any. I can only hope and pray that you and Brian are able to come to some peace over everything and this weekend sounds like a great place to start.

Summer said...

You have to do what feels right and whatever you feel you need to do. We all understand that and there is nothing wrong or weird with what you are doing and planning.

Wordgirl said...

This is such a terrible journey. I fully understand the desire to have a ritual that allows you to process and move forward.

I can't tell you the number of times I've spooned with my dog, crying. It's sort of embarrassing how much I love her --

I'm thinking of you both,



jodie38 said...

Hang in there, Egged. It sounds like a good plan you have for this weekend; be kind to yourselves. For us, moving in any direction was better than sitting still. I completely understand burning the picture - not weird. What exactly is normal at this point, after all? Do what you can for closure, hug your honey and love on your dog. The small things will pull you through.

Thinking of you both.....

Roni said...

I hope that the weekend gave you some relief.

My heart hurts for you. I wish I had something to say, other than I understand.

I'm glad that you have each other, and your beautiful dog.