DH and I have agreed to talk (yell, cry) about all of our feelings (sadness, anger, frustration, hope, etc) over the three day weekend when we are on a trip. For the past few weeks, the feelings have bubbled up off and on but we are relatively quick to not go to that painful place of the first few days we got our BFN. The place of enormous body crushing disappointment.
But this weekend will be a feel-a-thon. We'll give ourselves the space, time, and support to say and feel the whole range of feelings. My therapist (who I just started seeing again - very timely) suggested that we try to get at all the feelings of TTC for the past 5 years. So we can then move on. It's been five years of disappointments - bit by bit but now we are in a big hole. We need to climb out.
We are paralyzed right now. We are stuck. So I'm actually looking forward to this weekend because I just want to get the anger out, the sadness out. Surely, it won't take the pain and sadness all away but I'm hoping it will serve as some sort of cleansing. Some sort of moving on so we are better able to decide what to do.
I'm going to burn that photo of the failed embryos. That sounds weird but I don't want to find that photo some day unexpectedly. I want to put it to rest. We don't need it taunting us. Reminding us. Neither of us has touched it since that day. It is just sitting on the counter and I think we didn't want to pick it up because then we would have to talk about it and do something with it. When I suggested we burn it this weekend, DH was on board.
I'm sorry I haven't been out there commenting very much. It is really hard to read about the BFPs and the struggles. I'm not quite in a supportive mood but I am truly happy for the BFPs. Everyone deserves it. We all deserve it.
On a positive note - the new dog does give us joy. She is perfect and better than I ever expected. She must have gotten lost from a home where she was well loved because she quickly transferred her flags to us and has become a great companion.