Wednesday, August 6, 2008

B Fricking N

This did not go how we all hoped.

First of all, thank you everyone for your gentle yet hopeful support. Yesterday, I e-mailed the responses to DH and he called me at lunch and we read them together. They gave us a little hope which is actually what we needed to get out of a very deep funk. Even though we knew the chances were slim, it was nice to think it wasn't totally over. And it was great to know that you all had our backs. And I really mean it - you made a difference for us on what was a truly awful day.

Today, it is officially over.

I went in for the blood test holding back the tears. I didn't want to be there or talk to anyone - I was too vulnerable. After the blood test, I ran out to my car and cried.

I pulled myself together and went to the office. Actually, I am very busy lately so it is easier to be at work than to be by myself in the car or at home. They said they would call after 2 pm. I held it together until 2 pm and then I had to leave and take a late lunch. I went to the pound. Yes, that pound. I didn't tell you all that we had to put our poor dear loyal dog to sleep about a month ago. ( which was another truly awful day). I thought if I found a new dog today, that would be something hopeful. The pound was full of people waiting to see or adopt dogs and I knew there was no way I could arrange to adopt a dog during my lunch hour. Don't these people work? I thought I would have the run of the place. Anyway, I ran through the aisles looking at dogs but that got depressing, too, because I knew it would be unlikely to get one immediately.

So, I decided to go back to the office. On the freeway, of course, the phone finally rings. I pull over to take the call. It was the RE. She called me personally to tell me it was negative. I guess I appreciate that. I don't know. She said I could schedule an appointment to come in after next Tuesday to go over what happened. I don't know that I will - at $30,000, it's not likely that we will give this another go and I don't know what information we will get from that meeting. Thoughts?

After we hung up, I sobbed. I was still on the side of the freeway but I figured it was as private place a place as any. Everyone is flying by at 70 miles an hour - no one will notice poor little me crying my eyes out. Except for the motorcycle cop who pulls up to see what's going on. Jeez, can't a girl cry on the side of the freeway for more than 2 minutes anymore? So I told him I would move on.

I got off the freeway and called dh (leaving a teary message) and then my mom. God bless her. She didn't know what to say but she cried with me and that was all I needed from her. She, who had 8 children in 9 years, has no idea what this is like but she was there for me.

I thought about taking the afternoon off of work but frankly, there's plenty of time to cry at home and I can hold it together at work pretty well.

The only decision we have made is to not make any decisions about what to do next until after labor day. We have a fun escape planned for that weekend and I'm looking forward to it. After that, we can get down to business and figure out a new way to build our family. But for now, I get to cry all I want.

And maybe I'll go buy a dog. Do you think it is ok in this situation to not rescue a dog from the pound? It goes against my instincts but I've had enough hassle trying to get a loved one into my life lately.


DE Mommy said...


I am so sorry. I've been stalking you all day hoping for good news.

Rebeccah said...

Oh no!! Damn damn damn damn damn. I'm so incredibly sorry. And I'm so frustrated on your behalf! All that time and money and hope ... oh my. You and I were going to be doing donor cycles at the same time if we'd gone that route, so maybe I'm really feeling your pain strongly because it could have been mine too and also because I've been hoping so hard for you all these months.

How horrible to have lost your dog too. I think that if you want to buy a dog to get some degree of certainty in your life, go for it. We actually did just exactly that for almost the same reasons. Next time, we'll adopt.

Swim said...

Ugh. I am sorry to hear your news.

Please take care of yourself right now.


Hekateris said...

I'm so, so sorry for both the negative and the loss of your little buddy.

JC said...

I'm so sorry. I think my heart will break for you. Your cycle and your dog. It's so unfair.

I think you can give yourself a pass to do whatever you need to do to bring some happiness into your life right now. Maybe try the pound one more time though? I'm not trying to guilt you into anything, and you are so entitled to do whatever you need, but I'm thinking that maybe you'll find a match if you're not under such a time/stress pressure. Maybe take strange weekday morning off and check it out one more time?

I hope no matter what you do, that you will find peace in every area you need it right now.

Phoebe said...

So f-ing unfair!! I've been following your story for awhile, though I don't comment much. You DE story reminds me of a friend of mine who did DE and did not have success. In her case, as in yours, I think you just had a lame donor. So if it makes you feel any better, blame the donor! I know the next few months will be hard for you. We are all grieving in one way or another through this infertility treatment process. ((((HUGS))))

Mrs. B said...

I am so sorry. That is all I can say. So very, very sorry.

Meghan said...

I am so very sorry. Cry all you want. And get your pup however you want. Plenty of people don't adopt rescue dogs without having a valid reason like you do...

I'll be thinking of you and sending lots of hugs your direction

birdy said...

I am so, so sorry. It just absolutely sucks. You need a puppy right now. We got a puppy (on-line, a terrier) after being told we would not have biological children. I originally felt some guilt about not going to the pound but not anymore after picking his fuzzy little face up from the airport. Even though youy feel like crap, that doesn't matter so much when someone is so happy to see you when you get home. And, as crazy as it sounds, walking into a party or for a visit somewhere with a puppy in your arms really helps to heal the pain.

Kate said...

Oh I am soooooo sorry. You are due for a huge break. It will come. I'd get a dog anyway I could. I don't know that it matters where you get one, just that the dog you pick out feels right. I'll be thinking of you!

Christy said...

My heart just breaks for you. I'm so sorry that this cycle didn't work out for you. I know the despair well of reaching the end of treatment. Once you have allowed yourself to grieve your next steps will become clear to you.

Oh, and go buy yourself any dog you want. You deserve to have something that is completely what you want. Might I suggest a sweet beagle? No, I'm not offering to sell mine . . . you will have to get your own!

jeanie said...

So sorry. I am thinking of you and am hoping that the next few weeks bring you some peace and the focus you need to decide what you want to do.

Wordgirl said...

I'm so sorry.

Sometimes I look at my dog and think she's the most beautiful being in the world -- and my brother looked at her once and said 'you're not a dog, you're a being put on this planet to take care of my sister' -- and, oftentimes, I think he's exactly right.

Dogs are wonderful, no matter where you get them --

Thinking of you,


Midlife Mommy said...

I am so sorry. Hugs.

~Carrie said...

:-( I am so sorry. This is so incredibly unfair for you. I don't know why life is so cruel at times - you don't deserve this kind of heartache. I hope you are doing ok.
I am sorry about the loss of your dog. You should go pick out whatever dog you want from wherever you want.
Please take care

Summer said...

I'm so sorry.

I'm glad your mom was able to be there for you and just cry with you. That is the best thing sometimes, for someone to feel your pain with you.

I think it wouldn't hurt to listen to what the RE had to say. Maybe there is something to learn from this cycle, maybe not. But if there is something to learn, you can use that information to decide on what to do next when you are ready. DE/IVF is incredibly expensive, but there are other options like a shared cycle which could reduce your costs or donor embryos which would cost somewhere in the range of a FET.

Anyway, there is no rush to make decisions now, as you said, but I'm guessing this followup is included in the costs of your cycle. So why not hear what your RE's thoughts are? That way when you are ready to figure out the next steps, you have all your information already.

Try to be gentle with yourself, breathe and do what you need to do.

bb said...

I'm so very sorry. It's heartbreaking to be so deeply invested, in every way, and feel that there's nothing to show for it. At least that's how I've felt after my every attempt at IVF has failed.

You are not alone. Wishing you peace.

Roni said...

I am so, so sorry. I wish I had words.

I'm going to make a suggestion, please take or leave - for future consideration. Cooper, a clinic in Jersey, does cycles - not sure whether they are shared or not - for about 10K. And I believe Yale fertility is now doing donor frozen egg trials, so they are only 10K instead of the previous price tag of 30K for a donor cycle. Either of those might be something to consider to get you where you want to be. I'm not sure wher you are, but I know from many others who used Cooper that they do long distance cycles - local clinic monitors you and you go for your procedure. I don't mean to give you a boatload of info while you are going through all this, but I wanted to just offer something, maybe, for future consideration.

And I think a dog is a great idea.

Anne said...

I'm so sorry. There are no words, I know. Indulge in things you enjoy, surround yourself with those who love you and cry all you want. We're all here for you.

Anne @ eggedon

nancy said...


I'm so sorry.

Mrs. B said...
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Marta Ds said...
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