B Fricking N

This did not go how we all hoped.

First of all, thank you everyone for your gentle yet hopeful support. Yesterday, I e-mailed the responses to DH and he called me at lunch and we read them together. They gave us a little hope which is actually what we needed to get out of a very deep funk. Even though we knew the chances were slim, it was nice to think it wasn't totally over. And it was great to know that you all had our backs. And I really mean it - you made a difference for us on what was a truly awful day.

Today, it is officially over.

I went in for the blood test holding back the tears. I didn't want to be there or talk to anyone - I was too vulnerable. After the blood test, I ran out to my car and cried.

I pulled myself together and went to the office. Actually, I am very busy lately so it is easier to be at work than to be by myself in the car or at home. They said they would call after 2 pm. I held it together until 2 pm and then I had to leave and take a late lunch. I went to the pound. Yes, that pound. I didn't tell you all that we had to put our poor dear loyal dog to sleep about a month ago. ( which was another truly awful day). I thought if I found a new dog today, that would be something hopeful. The pound was full of people waiting to see or adopt dogs and I knew there was no way I could arrange to adopt a dog during my lunch hour. Don't these people work? I thought I would have the run of the place. Anyway, I ran through the aisles looking at dogs but that got depressing, too, because I knew it would be unlikely to get one immediately.

So, I decided to go back to the office. On the freeway, of course, the phone finally rings. I pull over to take the call. It was the RE. She called me personally to tell me it was negative. I guess I appreciate that. I don't know. She said I could schedule an appointment to come in after next Tuesday to go over what happened. I don't know that I will - at $30,000, it's not likely that we will give this another go and I don't know what information we will get from that meeting. Thoughts?

After we hung up, I sobbed. I was still on the side of the freeway but I figured it was as private place a place as any. Everyone is flying by at 70 miles an hour - no one will notice poor little me crying my eyes out. Except for the motorcycle cop who pulls up to see what's going on. Jeez, can't a girl cry on the side of the freeway for more than 2 minutes anymore? So I told him I would move on.

I got off the freeway and called dh (leaving a teary message) and then my mom. God bless her. She didn't know what to say but she cried with me and that was all I needed from her. She, who had 8 children in 9 years, has no idea what this is like but she was there for me.

I thought about taking the afternoon off of work but frankly, there's plenty of time to cry at home and I can hold it together at work pretty well.

The only decision we have made is to not make any decisions about what to do next until after labor day. We have a fun escape planned for that weekend and I'm looking forward to it. After that, we can get down to business and figure out a new way to build our family. But for now, I get to cry all I want.

And maybe I'll go buy a dog. Do you think it is ok in this situation to not rescue a dog from the pound? It goes against my instincts but I've had enough hassle trying to get a loved one into my life lately.