Sunday, November 29, 2009

Healing Haiku

The worst day wasn't
that Thursday when you walked out
That was just the end

Day of I.V.F.
when you threatened to leave me
That was the worst day

Your sperm, her eggs - two
embryos in my body
You so fucked it up

6 months planning
Thirty grand, so many shots
And you were not sure?

Maybe you were scared
to have a child with me
But your timing sucked

Then you cried with me
when it failed in every way
Why don't we adopt?

It was your idea
The interview was Monday
You left just before

I see a pattern
You don't want me, don't want kids
Doesn't matter which

Trying to explain
to the nice social worker
I broke down sobbing

You got the hell out
Leaving me with only dreams
Childless, forty-three

11 comments:

Rebeccah said...

{{{Hugs}}}

Me said...

I'm so sorry. It is not fair.

niobe said...

I realize you have no idea who I am, but I am thinking of you and wish there was something more I could do. I know it probably doesn't seem that way, but you will get through this. I promise you will.

Wordgirl said...

I am sitting here staring at the screen. Words have always been what I held on to - what carried me through.

I wish I had the right words now.

I think of you often and have wondered how you are.

XO

Pam

Perchancetodream said...

I have to echo Pam here. I've thought about you and wondered how you were doing. Know that even in the darkest times that there are people out here sending you good thoughts and pulling for you.

Mrs. B said...

Oh my dear friend, I am so very, very sorry. Much love to you. I wish that you find some small joy in this holiday season.

Egged Out said...

Thank you all - I didn't think anyone would check this blog. My therapist suggested I do some rituals to try to heal from my pain and move on. For some reason, I decided to write haiku on the various topics of my failed marriage and when I wrote this one, I felt I needed to post it. I'm sorry it is such a downer.

I am doing ok but I have a lot to work through. I still want to be a mom but I'm not ready to start anything right now. Just trying to heal.

I haven't been reading the fertility blogs - it has been too painful but I'll try to catch up.

Thank you for your kind support.

- Egged

Sue said...

I hope your writing helps you heal. Sending you hugs and promises that things will get better eventually.

nancy said...

~hugs~

Phoebe said...

Ugh, you went through a lot. I'm glad you are writing about it. I understand about not being able to read blogs because it's just too painful. Just take care of yourself. We'll be here when you are back. I still have you on my google reader.

Anonymous said...

We also had to go for DE IVF abroad. Prices for this procedure here in my country are pretty high. I have PCOS and unfortunately all our attempts to conceive a baby gave no result. We spent so much money for treatment and medicines. We even thought to forget about kids and live as it is. But damn, it was just impossible for us! We wanted to have children, to create big and happy family. So we decided not to put up with the situation. We started our search for a clinic in Europe. We’ve found a couple of good ones, 'explored’ each review and each website, where those clinics were mentioned. And of course official websites were learned by heart. So after the discussions, thinking through all pros and cons, we chose Ukrainian clinic biotexcom. So, we came to the clinic and our doctor told us everything about donation. In the case of 5 failures, the clinic promised to refund us our money. I’ve got pregnant from the first attempt! I gave birth to two beautiful kids, Daniel and Denis. The clinic has warm atmosphere and positive influence. The service was pretty good, they gave us guarantees on success. I don't know if I help you... At first we considered Mexico too. But some reviews put us on guard. Be careful and pay attention to all details during your search! I hope you'll find all needed answers.