The first chunk of the adoption papers have been sent in

Wow. It took more gumption to fill out those forms that I would have anticipated. But they are in and with this, we have signaled to the social worker our intent to keep moving forward in this process. She was probably wondering what happened to us.

I called the RE and told her (well, I told the receptionist to please tell her since she wasn't there) that we would turn down this opportunity for the triple split donor situation for both emotional and financial reasons. Surprisingly, I am OK with it. I would like to have another try at a donor egg but right now, $12,000 is seeming like a whole heck of a lot of money to "try" again. It if didn't work, the pain (financial and otherwise) would be too much to bare. Right now, it is safer to say no.

Later, if we are feeling stronger emotionally and more solvent financially, we may give a situation like that a try. But not now. We can't take it.

I don't know what I feel any more. Exasperated and exhausted, I guess. Better than heartbroken and depressed...

This is how it goes for us

I've been in a funk. You may have noticed by my last post just sitting there for more than a month. That's what I've been doing. Sitting there. Looking at a box of adoption papers but not even taking them out to pretend to start working on them. Stuck. I even gained 5 pounds due to my lethargy.

My best friend gave me a good tongue lashing telling me to get off the fence. She has done this several times but this one finally worked. I took a half day from work on Monday and came home, got out the adoption paperwork, and worked on it. I retyped the autobiography questions so we could answer them on the computer, I filled out the easy forms, and basically got a lot done. Let me tell you, it felt great.

The next day, I went to the gym for the first time in months. I took the dog for a walk after work. I started listening to music on my ipod instead of the news. I felt happier than I have in a long time.

DH and I have been arguing a lot about money. Our fertility loan payment ($500 per month for 7 years!) has stressed our monthly budget a bit so we spent time calculating how we can cut some luxuries here and there, pay it down faster, and find a way to get out of debt AND buy a house this year.

We decided that this upcoming three day weekend, which is our 5 year anniversary, we won't go on the trip we planned. To save money, we'll do fun things in our area like see movies, go to coffee shops, walk the dog, and, in between all of that, we'll finish our autobiographies for the adoption paperwork (30 essay questions each on our childhood, parenting plans, relationship, etc. ). We were both looking forward to a fun and productive weekend.

If this was a movie, this is where the upbeat sound track would kick in. The couple is finally getting in sync and the everything is groovy. They are moving toward something positive in their future. It doesn't hurt that we have been having incredible weather here lately (sorry to those who live in other areas but San Diego has been having weather in the low 80's).

Most of this happened on Monday and Tuesday of this week.

Then come Wednesday and what happens? (The soundtrack will come to halt and maybe with the sound of a car braking to a complete stop.) The RE called me on my way to work. The RE herself. My first thought was that they had an embryo to donate. Regular Egged readers will know that that is not my luck.

My luck is this: she asked if we wanted to go in on a triple split donor egg IVF. The donor has donated 3 times previously and each time she has produced over 30 eggs. There are two other couples already in and they want a third. We will get 1/3 of the eggs. Likely, that will be 10.

The cost? Roughly $12,000 once everything is done. They want to do this in the next couple of months.

Are you freaking kidding me? This call could not have been timed worse. Why couldn't we have had this offer before we tried the $30,000 donor egg?

Before we were totally broke.

Before we were totally hopeless.

I talked with DH about it last night and he was speechless at first. How many decisions to we have to make. He just doesn't believe it will work. 10 eggs is what we got from our egg donor last time. And we ended up with nothing but debt and heartbreak. He is certain that if we try this, we'll end up the same way. He is inclined to say no.

I am a little more optimistic (only from reading other blogs and knowing that it actually does work sometimes. DH doesn't read blogs so most of his knowledge is from our experience which has been one BFN after another).

So, there we are. I am not getting back on the fence. I am continuing on with the adoption paperwork.

I have to call the RE today or tomorrow and tell her our decision.

I am still going to the gym today and I already walked the dog.