I am here

I am still here. I guess I should say something. I haven't known what to say so I've been avoiding this blog and haven't been reading others either.

I feel so defeated.

For the moment, and maybe forever, we have given up on getting pregnant. I just don't think we have the emotional strength to put ourselves through that again. Coincidentally, we don't have the financial strength to do it again either.

We have decided to pursue adoption and have gotten involved in the county adoption system. It will take 3 - 6 months to finish all of our paper works, home studies, courses, etc, and then we will be eligible to take a child who has been taken away from his/her parents. There are siblings as well. This child may be an infant but will more likely be older.

It is very complicated. At times, I am seized with fear that we will get a child who is so wounded that all of our love won't be able to bring him or her to a healthy life. At other times, I am so excited about having children in the house, I don't care what age they are. I want to plan birthday parties, make Halloween costumes, read bedtime stories, and go to soccer games, etc.

DH and I get very excited talking about these potential children and how we will raise them and how the house will be with kids around. We are hopeful.

We have started taking the foster/adoption classes. It is interesting. There are a few folks like us there - who don't have kids and want them. There are others who have children and want more and there are a few who have adopted a slew of kids and want to adopt more. One woman has 8 kids and wants more! I have to say that there is a part of me that wants to yell - "hey, sit on your hands for a while and let the rest of us have a chance!" But that would be dumb because everyone there is adopting a child who has been taken from his or her lame ass parents and deserves to have a loving family.

It is an interesting shift to think about adopting an older child who is in the system (as they say). We will spend time trying to overcome what the child has been through and praying that the child comes to love us and we to love him or her. If I thought getting a donor egg was a leap of faith and a belief in nurture over nature, this is one up from that!

Anyway, safe to say that I have mixed feelings on this. I am glad for the classes as they seem to be very realistic about what to expect. The odds are will us that will end up with a child via this route. And I think that is the most important thing to us. To end up with a child.