Weird to say but I'm on the pill

AF arrived on Friday and I called the doctor and got my prescription for birth control pills. I will take them until January 2nd which is when I will go in to see if my ovaries are sufficiently suppressed. If they are, we are off and running and the IVF attempt will officially begin. That's scary to think about.

It could be a great start to a new year or a big expensive bummer of a start to a new year. Time will tell.

I babysat my 10 month old niece on Saturday. She was a great baby. It was a really nice way to spend the day but a painful one, too. My brother has 4 children and another one on the way. They will soon have 5 kids. Wow. And we can't get one.

I'm not jealous. I don't want 5 kids. I grew up in a big family which had its advantages but I'm not looking to repeat (not that I have time to have 8 children unless they all come at once and that is not likely to happen (it didn't happen with IUI so I don't think it will happen with IVF).

I would, however, like to have two children. If possible. Is that asking too much?

I'm back

Where have I been? Well, between going somewhere every weekend,organizing a big fundraiser for my work, and dealing the death and funeral of a beloved uncle who died way too young (55!), it's been a long month. I've been exhausted. And I'm so thankful I chose to take a break from fertility treatments. I'm sure this would not have been a good cycle.

So, fertility issues have not been foremost in my mind as I am free from the myriad of doctor appointments and injections, but don't worry, I haven't forgot about it entirely.

As soon as cycle day 1 arrives, I'll call the doctor and start bcp to suppress the ovaries. Then, I will hopefully start with the medications right after the new year. The thing that runs through my mind constantly is whether or not this is going to be a wasted effort and a waste of our hard earned resources. There has not been much good news for my age group lately. I've done 5 IUIs with nary a bfp.

I feel like I am going through with the IVF cycle just to prove that I can't get pregnant. To demonstrate that I tried everything medically possible. To get an A for effort. I don't have hope that it will actually work. So why I am throwing $10,000 or so at this?

I think it will allow me to move on. In January, we will have been married for 4 years; for the past 3 years, we've been trying to get pregnant (with one year under the RE's care). This has been a long haul. This has been tiring. This hasn't felt like moving forward - it has felt like running in place. Wanting a child and having a child are not the same. I don't want to keep wanting a child. I want to have a child to raise.

So, this $10,000 investment will allow me and dh to move on. I think it is more important for him to see that we have tried everything. I think that when this fails, he will be ready to try the next thing - egg donation or adoption. And those both have a much high chance of success.