Not the news I was hoping for

Before I get to the main topic, what does it mean that I carry around a pair of socks in my purse for those days I have an ultrasound and I am wearing sandals? (socks just make me feel less exposed - as if my bare feet are more precious than my bare you know what).

Anyway, I went to the doc and here's the deal:

He was not happy that my period took 20 some days post ovulation to arrive. He thought it could be a sign of a persistent cyst. Regarding the progesterone, he said that my cycle should have started a day or two after I stopped taking it (which was 11 days ago). So, he took a look with the wand and he didn't see any cysts. But he did see a large follicle (12x13) in one of my ovaries and then a bunch of small ones. This is unusual for cycle day two but he said it is a sign of the m-word. I told him he could use the word and he called it peri-menopause. The lead follicle will mature early and quickly because of something to do with fsh (and I don't know but somehow it is too strong or not strong enough - if anyone knows the scientific part of this, let me know). This may be what caused my 19 day cycle last time (unmedicated). He thought my lining was a bit thick for day two.

So, he didn't want me to wait a month to see if my cycle could get back to somewhat normal. He said that at age 41, it may never be normal so we should proceed. If the lead follicle inhibits the other follicles from growing, we'll just cancel the IUI and he said we could have sex and try on our own (what a guy!).

He wants me to start stimming tonight and then come in on Friday to see how things have progressed. He also ordered a blood test and I had to go to a different lab because it is some test they don't do there at the clinic. I should have written down what the test was because now I have no idea.

I asked him about my options for IVF and he said that this same problem would occur with an IVF cycle and so he didn't think it would have a very good chance. But, he said we could do a cycle where I stim at higher doses and see how many follicles come up and of there are 8 - 10, we can convert to IVF. Even with 8 -10 he doesn't think there is a great chance because so many of the eggs will be bad and we'd have to have the few good one fertilize, implant, etc. The one good thing about IVF is that we would get more information. But I don't know if it is worth $10,000...

Overall, not a great meeting but we are going to keep trying. For now. Shots tonight.

I forgot to mention the one piece of good news - I have lost 6 lbs since they last weighed me in December.

The Saddest Part

of this whole thing is that even though we are so actively trying to have a baby, we rarely talk about the actual baby that might come. It's like an unwritten rule that we won't talk about it until there's proof that one might be on the way.

The first IUI was on a weekend. After the IUI, we went out to a really nice lunch. Then we went home and rested. That night, we talked at length about the baby. We really thought it would work - that the IUI was going to solve our problem. How could it not? 20 million sperm right there with the perfectly timed ovulated egg? That night I learned that mh has ideas about what kind of stroller/car seat combo he wants and that he wants to make a crib for the baby. We talked about decorating the room for the baby. It was a great night. We were so hopeful.

Well, after, before, or even during IUI #2 and IUI #3, there was no such talk. Just the logistics of the procedure.

As I prepare for IUI #4, frankly, I don't think it will work but I feel I have to try at least one more time. Then, we'll try IVF. I don't want to come out at the end of this and not feel that we tried everything. I don't want to be in old age and say, well, we didn't try IVF because it costs $10,000 or because I was afraid of the shots.

So, we'll try. And at some point, we'll give up. And then we'll move on.