4 Big Fat

negatives.

I spent the weekend in Mexico in a little house near the Pacific Ocean 16 miles down a dirt road: solar power for a few lights, no phone, no cell phone coverage, no TV, no newspaper, no Internet, but yes, home pregnancy tests (I brought them myself).

I tested once each and every day, giving that little blue line every opportunity to show. Alas, it did not.

I will still go in for the blood test tomorrow, just to make damn sure. I mean, can you really count on those hpts?

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I really appreciate those of you who were willing to believe that 4 hpts could be wrong! But they weren't. The blood test was negative. I should have started on Sunday but I know it will be a few days since I was using progester.one and that delays my cycle. Hopefully, it will start sometine this week and I can give it another try.

And the result is...

sorry! I didn't poas yet (as I don't have any in house) and now I am getting ready to leave for a 4 day mini vacation where I will not have access to the internet.

So, I will bring some hpts and I will poas at some point over the weekend (holding out as long as I can) but I won't be able to let you all in on the results until I get back Monday evening. Sorry, the suspense is killing me, too!

For the record, I am feeling no suspicious symptoms - it is probably a bust but I'll test anyway.

Have a great weekend!

When am I going to POAS?

I know earlier in this cycle, I was full of bravado and ready to poas even before the actual IUI... well, now that I am on CD 11, I am feeling a little sheepish about the whole thing now and am not sure when I will poas.

Probably it will be sometime this weekend. My blood test is scheduled for Monday but I want to change it to Tuesday as we are going out of town. I think I will test Sunday. Or maybe Saturday. And perhaps even Friday??? CD 12 - is that too early? One bummer side effect of being on progester.one is that my cycle doesn't ramp up like it normally does. In an unmedicated cycle, I would start to have little spotting by now or at least this weekend. I would know that my cycle was starting and that the gig was up. When we were ttc on our own, I never even took a hpt because I always knew. AF was never late and was usually early.

But this is different. The last medicated cycle I had no spotting and actually my cycle started 10 days late! I took many hpts. It was hard to believe I wasn't pregnant with such a late period. I blamed it on the progester.one.

So now, I don't have any pms symptoms which may lead me to think I might be pregnant so I want to poas to confirm that suspicion but I also don't want this hopeful feeling to go away because of a bfn. See my dilemma? The hopeful part is so much better than the bfn part. This I know from experience. I don't know this from personal experience but I am pretty sure the bfp is pretty great. And so if I am going to get that, I'd like to know asap.

I don't have any hpts in the house now so it will take a proactive effort to get those suckers. Maybe I'll get them on the way home from work....

Freaky Progesterone Dream

I don't really remember all the details but I know it involved a centaur and someone shooting flaming arrows from a bow. It was like being stuck in the land of Robin Hood meets Narnia or something. My husband was the hero of the dream. What a guy!

The 2ww continues.

What Can I Say?

It's Tuesday and I don't have the blood test until Monday so I'm just trying the pass the time. Luckily, it's very busy at work so time flies while I am there.

It's funny, when I'm in the 2ww, I pay attention to every feeling, twinge, possible symptom in my body, usually convincing myself that I must be pregnant because I have never felt that before. And when, inevitably, my cycle starts, I realize that I was just feeling the same things I feel every month (and have felt every month for the past xx years) but I'm just paying extra attention.

I'm trying not to fall for that this time.

I will poas on Sunday.

Dreams and Waiting but not Dreams of Waiting

There's not much to say. I'm not even half way through the two week wait. I started the progester.one on Wednesday night and I have been having some weird weird dreams. They are like sci fi movies. Vivid interesting dreams and luckily not dreams about the two week wait (that would make for a really long night). I blame the dreams on the progester.one because normally my dreams are pretty mundane.

I'm trying to find ways to keep myself busy and occupied. Luckily, it's a busy time at work so the days go by quickly. Here's to a fast two week wait!

Where's the Romance?

Evolution of the IUI

The First IUI we had in January was as romantic as possible considering the circumstances: me, my husband, the doctor and the sperm filled catheter in an examination room. Mh and I went together in the morning and I waited while he went to the room to produce his sample. Then we waited nervously together in the waiting room until we were called to go in for the IUI. We held hands during the procedure and then stayed together in the room for 30 minutes, talking and resting. Then we went to a very nice lunch at a fancy restaurant, talking about our soon to be conceived child. We went home for the rest of the day and rested, cuddled, and hoped.

The Second IUI wasn't all that different though we didn't go to as fancy of a lunch. And in between the sample giving and the procedure we went to Trader Jo.e's to get some things we needed.

The Third IUI: Mh went down on his own in the early morning and then he came back to the house and when it was time, we drove in separate cars to the clinic. We went in together for the procedure, chatting pleasantly the whole time with the PA. We waited about 15 minutes and then went to lunch at a fast food Mexican restaurant. And then I went to work. I had a big project that I couldn't get out of.

The Fourth IUI (today): Mh went down early on his own, gave his sample, and then drove directly to his meeting which was two hours away. I went to work in the morning as usual and then snuck out at 11:00 am for the 11:30 IUI. I rested for 10 minutes, ate a peanut butter sandwich in the car, and then was back in the office by 12:30 - no one suspected anything. Is this what you call a quickie? We are having some frozen yogurt tonight to celebrate.

Anyway, the IUI seemed to go well. I start the progesterone on Wednesday and go in for the pregnancy test on the 30th.

Time for the 2 week wait.

Is it me or are men better at the whole wanding thing?

So far, I have been wanded by three females and two males. And by far the more comfortable experience was with the males. A new doctor at the clinic performed my ultrasound on Friday and as soon as he started, I noted that the men were much better than the women. The nurse who was there said that many people have said that. I'm curious - is it just at my clinic or have any of you notice this as well?

On other topics, I gave myself the trigger shot on Saturday night at 11:30pm and the IUI is on Monday at 11:30 am. It was such a relief to give myself that last shot. 3 shots a day was starting to get old. With the ganrel.ix, I was told to give it at the exact same time or a little earlier each day but never more than 24 hours apart. I decided to give it to myself 10 - 15 minutes earlier each day to be sure I didn't miss it. I didn't know I would have to give it to myself 6 times - which, if you have to start earlier and earlier each morning, pretty soon you have to set the alarm clock to make sure you (Normally, I don't use an alarm clock to wake up). I didn't want to ovulate my 5 follicles too soon. I took the last one at six am on Saturday.

Still hopeful about the IUI but mostly hopeful about the 5 even sized follicles. I was told that a lead follicle is a sign of "advanced maternal age" and so expected to always have one dominating the show. I guess we started early enough in the cycle with the right amount of meds. I also think it was good to take a cycle or two off (even though I only did that because of the cyst) so my body could have a break from the medications. If this cycle doesn't work, I may take another month off before I start medicated cycle again.

Off to bed so I can be ready for tomorrow.

Is it Too Soon to Poas?

I am starting to feel good about this cycle and I know that is a dangerous place to be. When it started I was not hopeful at all - just going through the motions since this is what I am doing with my life right now. I was dreading the start of my cycle because I didn't really want to go to the doctor again and get wanded and have blood drawn - since I skipped two long cycles, I had gotten out of the habit.

I didn't have to come late to work and sneak out for blood tests and take secret calls in the afternoon where I shut my door and whispered about medicines. I was just going about my normal life and even getting back to feeling normal.

Then last week it all started again. I did a lousy job with the shots - I have marks all over my stomach. I was late to a meeting at work. I screwed up ordering my medicine ( actually some of my meds expired from last time and I had to order them again). I've had three separate deliveries arrive on my porch in small Styrofoam boxes.

I am consumed by my fertility treatments. I went from 0 - 60 in just a few days.

But I've been sleeping, I've been relaxed, I haven't been hopeful.

Until today with the news of 5 even sized follicles. I know, there still has to be at least one good one in there but these are better odds than we've had. And if it doesn't work, at least my response to the meds is going in the right direction. The last 4 months have been a mess and I was starting to think this just wasn't going to work for me. That we couldn't even consider IVF because I would always have one lead follicle and not be able to generate more eggs. But these five follicles are something to talk about (which I did - I called my mother and bragged about them).

So, there you have it - I haven't even had the IUI, haven't felt odd twinges in my gut, there's no blue vein in my breast, I am not even the slightest bit queasy, I am not 13 pdo with no sign of af, - but I am ready to poas.

5 is the Magic Number

I have five nice sized follicles - all around the same size. This is great news - the last attempts I always had one lead follicle and it was hard (if not impossbible) for the others to catch up. All five were in one ovary - the other ovary has nothing going on.

I'll go back on Friday and hopefully have the IUI on Sunday or Monday. I will keep taking ganareli.x to stop me from ovulating along with the other two meds (gona.l f and hcg). 3 shots a day is a pain but well worth it if it works.

Yeah! So far, this cycle is going well.

Dirt vs. Western Medicine

First, the dirt on the dirt: I was wrong - the dirt wasn't from Guatemala - it is from New Mexico. It is from the Santuario de Chimay.o and it is called Blessed Dirt. Supposedly, two women who were having trouble getting pregnant rubbed this very dirt on their guts, said a little prayer, and the next cycle, you guessed it, they were pregnant. I have not had such luck though I did credit the dirt with eliminating (or greatly reducing) a cyst. I did try it again this month but as I am only on cd 8, I don't know if it worked... yet. If it does work, I'll send samples out to all who request it. It's easier than mailing needles through the mail.

Back to Western Medicine, I went to the doctor yesterday. I have 3 nice follicles on one side and I'm not sure what I have on the other side but no one seems worried so I'm not either.

I started ganarelli.x yesterday morning to stop me from ovulating early. Ganarelli.x really hurts going in and then it stings for about 30 minutes afterwards -has anyone else had that problem? I'm glad to give it to myself in the morning rather than in the evening with the other two shots. I will potentially have the IUI on Friday (which would be cd 11) but we'll know for sure on Wednesday when I go in for another appointment.

I am not hopeful for this cycle but I am a lot calmer and maybe that will help the cause. Last time I did an injectible cycle, I was really stressed out. I dreaded the shots everyday. This time, I haven't been a very good shot giver and I have bruises all over my stomach.

That's the update for now.

New Doctor New Plan

I went to the doctor yesterday. Seems like forever since I have been there. My doctor has left the practice to move back to his home state so I got a new doctor (there are only two at this practice). The new doctor was very nice and was disappointed in how things have gone for me over the past 7.5 months (I've only had 3 IUI) and she wants to get a handle on my situation. For that, I am extremely grateful.

My cyst is still there a little. So in addition to not helping me get pregnant, the dirt didn't really work on the cyst end of things either. But it is not producing estrogen so she thought it was ok to proceed since my other ovary was "pretty" (I swear, that's what she said). Many antral follicles and everything looked good.

She gave me two options:

-Start stimming tonight 300 gona.l f and then have an IUI when the time comes
or
-skip this cycle, come in in 2 weeks and then she would put me on estrogen, and then on the first day of my next cycle, stim at 450 gona.l f which is the max, and see how I do. If I have a lot of follicles, she will convert me to IVF. If not, we'll do an IUI again.

Mostly for $ reasons but also I want to see how I react to the drugs one more time before I bump up to 450, mh and I decided to go with the 300/IUI option. We can try the higher dosage next time if we want.

I have only actually done one full cycle of medicated IUI and the results were just fair so I want to see what happens this time with a slightly higher dose.

So, last night I was back at the shots. I don't like doing them and I had trouble falling asleep again. I need to get back on my swimming routine so I am exhausted by the end of the day.

That's the current news. I'll go back on Monday for another scan and bloodtest.

I hope everyone is well.

I don't think the dirt did its job

I'm back from vacation and it feels like af is about to arrive. I rubbed the dirt on my gut but perhaps it only works for cysts. But I'll try it again this month with the medication. I have my meds ready and as soon as af shows her face, I'll visit the Doc and hopefully, there will be no sign of the cyst and we can start another medicated IUI cycle.

Am I looking forward to it? No. Am I hopeful? No. Can I think of anything else to do to bring about a child in this household? No, not at this moment. If this one goes through, this will be the 4th IUI attempt. The fourth time isn't the charm but maybe it's the ... well, I can't think of anything. Maybe the fourth time is likely chance of success???

Anyway, I am feeling a bit melancholy. I am getting tired of all of this waiting around for something to happen.