The Barren Bi*ches virtual book club read the book Waiting for Daisy by Peggy Orenstein. I highly recommend it and I am glad I read it.
Here are my answers to three questions:
You can tell from the title of the book that the author eventually becomes a mom. How did this knowledge affect you as you read? Were you hoping for a certain outcome -- unassisted pregnancy, medical miracle, child through foster or adoption...or possibly even dreading a happy ending? To what degree does your own experience filter into the unfolding of Orenstein's experience?
I was happy going into the book that it was going to have a positive outcome. That made it much easier to suffer through the trials and tribulations with her. I was actually hoping it was going to be an adopted baby from Japan. I guess I thought that those children really needed a home and that it would be a good fit her and her husband. I’m glad she got pregnant naturally, though, because as a 41 year old, that gave me hope. My story is not exactly like hers – I always wanted children, I just took too long to find that right guy to have them with.
Peggy Orenstein writes: "Swallowing that little white pill was the first time I did something I swore I wouldn't in order to get pregnant: I willingly put my health on the line." Do you believe you've put your health on the line by ingesting hormones, etc.? Is it a decision you'd make again for the chance to get pregnant? How far would you go? How strong has your primal urge been?
I always thought if I couldn’t get pregnant, we would just adopt. Just like that. I didn’t know much about adoption or fertility treatments but when it came time to make some decisions, it actually seemed much easier to try to get pregnant with a little help than to try adoption. Adoption seems very complicated while, initially, taking Clomid and then having an IUI did not seem like a big deal. It seemed like the less painful way to build a family. Honestly, I thought the first (or maybe 2nd) IUI would work. I didn’t think I would have to consider injectables but after two failed IUI’s, I wanted to put the best chance forward and what’s a few shots? Now that that hasn’t worked and my body is screwed up (I have a cyst), I find myself thinking of adoption again.
For the record, I am very willing to try IVF, I just don’t know that I am a good candidate for it so all options are on the table. I don’t think I will “just” adopt. I think it if we adopt, it will be a long and costly journey ( both financially and emotionally) but I think we are willing to go that distance to start a family.
Actually, a friend of mine has offered her two snowflakes. Our initial response was no, we would never do that – it would be too weird to have someone’s child that we know. But now, 6 months into this with the clock ticking (I’m 41), a donor embryo is an option and is ahead of adoption. It seems easier than adoption. It’s all frickin scary.
Peggy Orenstein writes that her first reaction to donor eggs was, "Using donor eggs was so Handmaid's Tale. Once again I thought, I'd never be that desperate for a child?" What was your initial reaction to the idea of donor eggs? Did your opinion change over time? If you were successful, would you tell your children that they were conceived using donor eggs? Why or why not?
Per my answer to the earlier questions, initially, donor eggs were off the table. I thought we would adopt before we would ever consider donor eggs. However, now, it seems like a viable idea. The baby would still be mh’s and we would have him or her from birth. This seems like an easier option than adoption. I know I keep saying that about adoption but I should disclose that tonight we are going to an adoption seminar (a “what you need to know”) hosted by RESOLVE. If we were successful, I would definitely tell my child when the time came though I don’t know that I would tell relatives and friends. I think the child has a right to know his or her heritage and the truth about his or her conception, particulary for medical reasons.
Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Kid by Dan Savage.
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11 comments:
It is amazing how our perception of all of this changes as we are faced with new obstacles. The lines between what we would or wouldn't do get fuzzier and fuzzier. Our goal is just to have a happy family - no matter how we achieve that. :)
I think you'd be hard pressed to find a child to adopt domestically in Japan, never mind internationally! But it's funny how our knowledge and ideas of what we will and won't do change so much from one end of the journey to the other. When I list off all the things I was afraid of a year ago, it takes my breath away.
Bea
It is amazing how your thoughts on different procedures or what not changes as you get closer to them. I know my husband was so no to IVF. I wasn't sure what I thought about it. Now much further down the road it is more of an option. It can be discussed now when before it turned into fights.
Great thoughts!
I remember at first I said, "Well, IUI is OK but IVF is too invasive." The moment the RE told us that our MFI was so bad that IUI was not an option I said, "So, when can we schedule an IVF cycle." *Poof*, just like that I moved onto what I said I wouldn't do. We said we wouldn't do donor sperm or eggs, but if wehad gotten to that point, I am pretty sure we would have. You do what you have to do.
My "no way, no how" list has changed dramatically over time, too. It seems unavoidable. Although you wanted her journey to end with an adopted Japanese baby, I found that an awkward, even worrisome part of the narrative, since it wasn't a standard international adoption and it all seemed rather under the table.
My feelings what I would do as treatment have definitely evolved too. At first I thought I would never do IVF, and now I've done three cycles. I also couldn't have imagined doing donor eggs, but now I wonder about doing those too.
Adoption has never been a choice for me. Not that there is anything wrong with it, I am adopted, and so is my sister. It's just not me, you know?
Other than that, my views on just about everything else have changed. I always said that I wouldn't do Clomid, and I have. I said that I wouldn't try past my 35th b-day, and I have. I have always said I wouldn't do injectables, guess what...
Why does this have to be so hard anyway????
Like you, I always thought we would just adopt. It is amazing how things get muddy over time.
Thanks for sharing!
Our never-and-yes lists have changed constantly overtime. And sometimes it was like an alien took over my body and made me say "yes" and other times, it was because we learned more or really explored it. But you're right--the whole thing can be so scary sometimes.
Hi, Egged Out. I enjoyed your perspective.
You said, "Adoption seems very complicated." and "I don’t think I will “just” adopt. I think it if we adopt, it will be a long and costly journey ( both financially and emotionally) but I think we are willing to go that distance to start a family."
I'm in the minitory here, because I didn't stick with IF treatments past the first round. For me, the adoption route seemed more certain, less risky, and less costly. It ended up being a pretty short trip, too.
There are happy endings on many trails. I'm wishing you one on yours.
It's funny because I started my infertility journey from a very different perspective: after being an egg donor. I've seen both sides of the process and my thoughts have really changed over the last fifteen years (since I was a donor).
Embryo donation can be a great way to build a family. I remember thinking it was really weird the first time I heard about it but now my first ED transfer is set for Monday. Please feel free to ask me any questions you might have about it.
Adoption can also be a beautiful way to build your family. We have so many options these days, I think that actually makes it harder.
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