Things Change

A month or so ago, I went to a meeting and sat next to a woman I have known casually for several years. I have never talked with her about anything personal. She was talking about her child and then asked me if I had any. I said no but we were trying. She said quietly, "my advice is to get to fertility doctor as soon as possible - don't wait." I told her we were already in treatments and then she revealed that her daughter was born through IVF. She asked how old I was and when I told her 41 she said, "great - you have plenty of time!" I was perplexed. I told her what I had done - at that point, I was on my 3rd IUI and then she told me her story.

She was 44 when she decided to try to get pregnant. She skipped IUIs and went straight to IVF getting pregnant on the first try. She had her daughter when she was 45. This was inspirational to me. If she could do it successfully at 44, I could do it now. I was on a high for a few days after talking with her.

So tonight, at an event, she sat right in front of me and there was her darling little girl (now 7). She didn't see me until the end of the event when she turned around. She looked me right in the eyes as if to ask how it was going. I didn't expect her to be there and so I wasn't prepared to bring my infertile self to this event. Immediately all my emotions from

• the cyst
• the three failed iuis
• the poor follicle response and
• the chance that IVF might not work for me

came flooding through me. I didn't want to talk to her. I wanted to run away from this topic. When we got a few minutes together, she asked how things were going. I told her. She was sad for me and let me know I could talk to her anytime.

She didn't do anything wrong but I left feeling depressed. The thing is, I associated this woman with

• success
• proof that it could happen
• inspiration
• hope

And now I associate her with my failure and lack of success.

Only because I saw her and she genuinely wanted to know how I was doing. And unlike with a person who doesn't know I am going through this, I had to tell her the truth. And the truth is depressing.

Oh well.