Not much to report here. I'm still taking birth control pills and waiting for my next instructions. It's looking like nothing will happen until June. I thought I might start some shots next week but a phone message from the RE yesterday said that it would be the next week.
Here's what has happened:
- the egg donor has completed the blood tests and so far, everything has come back perfect. They are still waiting for the results of one more test (I can't remember what it is)
- the egg donor has had a psych evaluation which went well
- I've given $500 to an attorney who will make the legal contracts for us regarding the egg donation.
- the RE's office has called to give me the financial work up - what my exact costs will be. I haven't received it yet. They said they would e-mail it. I'm hoping that we can come in under $25,000 for everything. That would be nice.
I'm am feeling pretty calm about the whole thing right now. I guess because I am kind of in limbo. It seemed like everything was happening so fast and we had to scramble to get the money and now, we are just waiting again. Once June gets here, it will all happen quickly. And then my anxiety will rise, I'm sure.
My biggest worry is that it will not work. Smart or not, we have put all our eggs in this basket. It seemed like a great plan but I'm plagued with the what ifs. What is none of her eggs fertilize? What if none make it to transfer? What if there are none left to freeze? What if none implant?
What if I don't get pregnant AND there are no embryos on ice? That's my worst fear. DH is very confident about all this but he doesn't read blogs so he doesn't get that everything doesn't always work as planned.
Well, now I've stressed myself out. I can't control any of that so I've got to have faith that it will work. And if it doesn't, we'll regroup and make a plan F or G (I don't know what plan we are on now, but it's well past plan B).
I hope all are well. Enjoy the long weekend!
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Things are getting started
Sorry I've been out of touch. I was away on a business trip and didn't have much going on fertility wise.
Thank you for all of the comments on my bio-mom/egg donor question. I think I will use the term egg donor - that's what she is. She has no intention of having anything to do with a child we may conceive with her egg. The child will be nourished and developed in my womb. She is generously donating her egg to us and for that, we are forever grateful. Too bad my eggs are crap - I wish I could return the favor to someone. I'll find some way to pay it forward.
I think the longer I sit with this donor egg idea, the more I am comfortable with it. I told my mother and she was really excited for us. I wasn't sure how she would handle it but she was immediately supportive. She thought we had given up on having a child since I hadn't said anything about it since our last failed IUI in January. It was nice to have her support. I have now told 4 people about it irl and everyone has been supportive. I appreciate their support.
On the fertility front, our $5,000 down payment has been paid. Ouch. That certainly made it seem real. We have the number of the attorney we have to see to sign a bunch of paperwork regarding the donated eggs. And I have started birth control pills. The egg donor has gone in for her initial blood work and we should get things rolling in early June. I will start taking lupron (injection) by the end of May.
This is really happening.
I've been weaning myself off of caffeine. I shouldn't have let myself get back on it but I thought it may be a few more months before all this went down. I'll be off it by the end of the week. I'm someone who gets headaches when I withdraw from caffeine - I have to wean myself from the cup of half decaf in the morning and a diet soda in the afternoon.
I should have my first beta by the 4th of July. Would be nice if there were two reasons to celebrate...
Thank you for all of the comments on my bio-mom/egg donor question. I think I will use the term egg donor - that's what she is. She has no intention of having anything to do with a child we may conceive with her egg. The child will be nourished and developed in my womb. She is generously donating her egg to us and for that, we are forever grateful. Too bad my eggs are crap - I wish I could return the favor to someone. I'll find some way to pay it forward.
I think the longer I sit with this donor egg idea, the more I am comfortable with it. I told my mother and she was really excited for us. I wasn't sure how she would handle it but she was immediately supportive. She thought we had given up on having a child since I hadn't said anything about it since our last failed IUI in January. It was nice to have her support. I have now told 4 people about it irl and everyone has been supportive. I appreciate their support.
On the fertility front, our $5,000 down payment has been paid. Ouch. That certainly made it seem real. We have the number of the attorney we have to see to sign a bunch of paperwork regarding the donated eggs. And I have started birth control pills. The egg donor has gone in for her initial blood work and we should get things rolling in early June. I will start taking lupron (injection) by the end of May.
This is really happening.
I've been weaning myself off of caffeine. I shouldn't have let myself get back on it but I thought it may be a few more months before all this went down. I'll be off it by the end of the week. I'm someone who gets headaches when I withdraw from caffeine - I have to wean myself from the cup of half decaf in the morning and a diet soda in the afternoon.
I should have my first beta by the 4th of July. Would be nice if there were two reasons to celebrate...
Friday, April 25, 2008
Bio Mom or Egg Donor
I was talking to my close friend this week and this egg donor situation and what it was like to choose a donor and she got a little testy with me. She kept pressing me about the fact that it wasn't important who the donor was and that it was only important how we raised our child. That education didn't matter. I tried to explain that I know that but since I have to chose some one, why not chose some one who has a college degree (like I do). She was really rankled by the whole discussion and it was a bit disconcerting to me.
Then yesterday she called me and told me that she had been thinking about our talk and trying to figure out what was going on for her and she decided that she didn't like it that I referred to the egg donor as the "bio mom". She's a mother of three herself and one of hers is adopted. She felt strongly that the egg donor is not a "mom" in any sense - that I will carry the child and give birth to the child so it is very different from a birth mother.
She compared it to a sperm donor and asked if people refer to the sperm donor as the "bio dad". I guess they don't.
I guess I'm confused as to what role, symbolic or otherwise, the egg donor will play in the child's life (assuming a child comes from this). Will the child think of that person and wonder what she is like or will the child think not too much about her at all?
I am aware that as people become young adults, identity becomes a major focus in their lives. I worry most of all about that time period for a child.
How different is a egg donor from a birth mother? Do people call surrogates birth mothers? Any thoughts?
Then yesterday she called me and told me that she had been thinking about our talk and trying to figure out what was going on for her and she decided that she didn't like it that I referred to the egg donor as the "bio mom". She's a mother of three herself and one of hers is adopted. She felt strongly that the egg donor is not a "mom" in any sense - that I will carry the child and give birth to the child so it is very different from a birth mother.
She compared it to a sperm donor and asked if people refer to the sperm donor as the "bio dad". I guess they don't.
I guess I'm confused as to what role, symbolic or otherwise, the egg donor will play in the child's life (assuming a child comes from this). Will the child think of that person and wonder what she is like or will the child think not too much about her at all?
I am aware that as people become young adults, identity becomes a major focus in their lives. I worry most of all about that time period for a child.
How different is a egg donor from a birth mother? Do people call surrogates birth mothers? Any thoughts?
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Holy Crap - we have a donor!
The donor said yes! I can't believe it. We've been waiting so long on the other donor that I expected to wait at least a week to hear. Just this morning I e-mailed the donor coordinator and asked her to ask the donor.
Wow! I totally didn't expect this.
They can get things started this Friday if I can bring in $5,000 tomorrow. I am not sure I am ready to start everything so soon. I may ask for another week so I can get mentally prepared. I've been thinking that all this would happen in the summer - maybe even August or September.
I have to stop drinking caffeine.
Is this really happening?
Wow! I totally didn't expect this.
They can get things started this Friday if I can bring in $5,000 tomorrow. I am not sure I am ready to start everything so soon. I may ask for another week so I can get mentally prepared. I've been thinking that all this would happen in the summer - maybe even August or September.
I have to stop drinking caffeine.
Is this really happening?
What is Important?
Choosing a donor is not easy. At times I just want anyone who is ready and other times I feel very picky.
Since we've given up hope on our #1 donor (she doesn't know when she would like to donate again, which is fine, but we want to get going on this), I went back to the RE yesterday and looked at the big book of donors. It's very confusing.
Do I pick someone that looks somewhat like me - same eyes, hair, height, weight, etc? Or someone who has the same education? Or similar interests? I was an athlete when I was younger and I find myself drawn to those who played sports in high school or college. I'm also drawn to those who are musical. I'm not musical but both my parents are.
What I want most is that my child can be proud of her bio mom. That I could say, we picked your bio mom because she was smart, athletic, and looked somewhat like me. I want our child to feel good about their bio mom.
I don't know if this is going to sound weird or not, but here it goes. Many of the donors listed their ethnicity as white or Caucasian. The form has an area for them to list the ethnicity of their parents and grandparents as well. Many of the donors listed "white" for all of their grandparents, too. I don't know if that was just laziness or not knowing. My initial reaction was to rule those donors out because I want my child to know his/her ethnic background. I don't want there to be a void for half of her heritage. I'm white but I also happen to know that my ancestors are Irish and German. I have no contact with Ireland or Germany but it does form part of my identity.
And it does come up occasionally - in childhood and adulthood - that you are asked your ethnicity. I want my child to be able to say, " I am part x, part y, and part z" not, "I'm half x but I don't know the other half".
Is this nothing to worry about? Am I worry about something that isn't important?
So, why do I bring this up now? Well, as mentioned, we're not counting on the original donor we chose though she was listed as Irish and German and Swedish and had a lot of characteristics that I like. So, I went through the book and selected a couple of other good options. The one I like the best for her features, her education, etc., listed all her parents/grandparents as "white".
I have asked the donor coordinator to ask the donor if she has more details on her ethnicity. I don't care what it is, I just want to know so when it is time, I can tell the child (that will hopefully come from this).
Other than that, she looks like a great fit for us. She played college basketball, I played college water polo. She is a teacher. I'm a social worker. She is almost exactly the same height,weight, eye color, etc. She doesn't look like me but close enough.
Still on the topic of choosing a donor, what am I supposed to think about eye color? I have light eyes as do both my parents, all my siblings, and all my grandparents. DH has hazel eyes and his sibs have blue eyes. OK, so, would it be weird to have a brown eyed child? Meaning, would people say, oh, where did she/he get those brown eyes? Would it automatically draw attention or would nobody ever notice in a million years? The next two candidates on our list both have brown eyes.
See? I don't know what to worry about. I only want our child to have a good sense of who he/she is and I guess I have the need for the child to chose when to tell people she is an egg donor baby.
Anyway, I think we have chosen a new donor - only need to hear if she will accept and when will she be willing to do it.
Since we've given up hope on our #1 donor (she doesn't know when she would like to donate again, which is fine, but we want to get going on this), I went back to the RE yesterday and looked at the big book of donors. It's very confusing.
Do I pick someone that looks somewhat like me - same eyes, hair, height, weight, etc? Or someone who has the same education? Or similar interests? I was an athlete when I was younger and I find myself drawn to those who played sports in high school or college. I'm also drawn to those who are musical. I'm not musical but both my parents are.
What I want most is that my child can be proud of her bio mom. That I could say, we picked your bio mom because she was smart, athletic, and looked somewhat like me. I want our child to feel good about their bio mom.
I don't know if this is going to sound weird or not, but here it goes. Many of the donors listed their ethnicity as white or Caucasian. The form has an area for them to list the ethnicity of their parents and grandparents as well. Many of the donors listed "white" for all of their grandparents, too. I don't know if that was just laziness or not knowing. My initial reaction was to rule those donors out because I want my child to know his/her ethnic background. I don't want there to be a void for half of her heritage. I'm white but I also happen to know that my ancestors are Irish and German. I have no contact with Ireland or Germany but it does form part of my identity.
And it does come up occasionally - in childhood and adulthood - that you are asked your ethnicity. I want my child to be able to say, " I am part x, part y, and part z" not, "I'm half x but I don't know the other half".
Is this nothing to worry about? Am I worry about something that isn't important?
So, why do I bring this up now? Well, as mentioned, we're not counting on the original donor we chose though she was listed as Irish and German and Swedish and had a lot of characteristics that I like. So, I went through the book and selected a couple of other good options. The one I like the best for her features, her education, etc., listed all her parents/grandparents as "white".
I have asked the donor coordinator to ask the donor if she has more details on her ethnicity. I don't care what it is, I just want to know so when it is time, I can tell the child (that will hopefully come from this).
Other than that, she looks like a great fit for us. She played college basketball, I played college water polo. She is a teacher. I'm a social worker. She is almost exactly the same height,weight, eye color, etc. She doesn't look like me but close enough.
Still on the topic of choosing a donor, what am I supposed to think about eye color? I have light eyes as do both my parents, all my siblings, and all my grandparents. DH has hazel eyes and his sibs have blue eyes. OK, so, would it be weird to have a brown eyed child? Meaning, would people say, oh, where did she/he get those brown eyes? Would it automatically draw attention or would nobody ever notice in a million years? The next two candidates on our list both have brown eyes.
See? I don't know what to worry about. I only want our child to have a good sense of who he/she is and I guess I have the need for the child to chose when to tell people she is an egg donor baby.
Anyway, I think we have chosen a new donor - only need to hear if she will accept and when will she be willing to do it.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Not your ordinary 2WW (2MW?)
I finally talked to the Egg Donor Coordinator at my REs office. These past weeks of waiting have really tried my patience. And DH was losing it, too. We struggled with this decision, agreed to spend $30,000 on the process, chose a donor, and since then, we have been on hold. We've been waiting to find out if the donor will agree to do it.
We really want this donor and I see that that was our big mistake - we literally put all our eggs in one basket. If we had chosen 2 or 3, they could have asked all of them and the one who was ready soonest would be our gal. But no, we had to pick the one that was just about to cycle for someone else and thus they wouldn't ask her to do it again until she finished this cycle.
Well, she had the egg retrieval on Saturday. (Somehow I thought she had it last week so that explains why I was eager for them to call and tell me what was up.) The good news? She donated 20 eggs!! Wow! I was medicated to the gills and could only come up with sorta 8 (since most were crap probably anyway).
They asked her if she would be willing to cycle again and she said YES. Yes, that's good news. But, she didn't know when she would want to do it again. That's the bad news. I don't blame her. If I just came up with 20 eggs for someone else and had to leave my two kids at home for a week (since she is out of the area), I might like to think about that, too.
I, however, am feeling a big in a rush. I am ready to give this a try. Our last IUI was in January. That's seems like forever ago. We could have done another cycle during this time. Not that I want to - I'm just starting to feel like my body is getting back to its old (well not that old) self again.
So, I told the Egg Donor Coordinator that we would be willing to wait for her until July or August but if she didn't think she could do it by then, we'd come in and pick someone else (or a couple of someone elses).
So, that's where things are. If she says she will do it in August, I will be happy to wait until August. If she says she won't do it, then I'll be happy to move on. I guess, like most things, I just want to know.
We really want this donor and I see that that was our big mistake - we literally put all our eggs in one basket. If we had chosen 2 or 3, they could have asked all of them and the one who was ready soonest would be our gal. But no, we had to pick the one that was just about to cycle for someone else and thus they wouldn't ask her to do it again until she finished this cycle.
Well, she had the egg retrieval on Saturday. (Somehow I thought she had it last week so that explains why I was eager for them to call and tell me what was up.) The good news? She donated 20 eggs!! Wow! I was medicated to the gills and could only come up with sorta 8 (since most were crap probably anyway).
They asked her if she would be willing to cycle again and she said YES. Yes, that's good news. But, she didn't know when she would want to do it again. That's the bad news. I don't blame her. If I just came up with 20 eggs for someone else and had to leave my two kids at home for a week (since she is out of the area), I might like to think about that, too.
I, however, am feeling a big in a rush. I am ready to give this a try. Our last IUI was in January. That's seems like forever ago. We could have done another cycle during this time. Not that I want to - I'm just starting to feel like my body is getting back to its old (well not that old) self again.
So, I told the Egg Donor Coordinator that we would be willing to wait for her until July or August but if she didn't think she could do it by then, we'd come in and pick someone else (or a couple of someone elses).
So, that's where things are. If she says she will do it in August, I will be happy to wait until August. If she says she won't do it, then I'll be happy to move on. I guess, like most things, I just want to know.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Once again with the waiting...
I still haven't heard anything from the RE about the egg donor. I don't think this is a good sign. Either they haven't asked her yet or she is taking time to think about it. I left a message yesterday and I hope they will call me on Monday to at least let me know what is going on. We are ready to move forward.
If you are in the mood for a good cry, check out the International Infertility Film Festival http://infertilityfilmfestival.blogspot.com/ I didn't know I was in the mood for a good but I followed some links and watched some videos that broke my heart.
I also saw this one which was interesting: DIyoutube Film by a father of children conceived with donor sperm. He brings up some interesting points about the impact on the child's sense of identity as he/she matures.
This is something I have worried about for our child(ren)(assuming this works and we have them). What will it be like to have a blank for one half of their lineage. I don't know how important that is. When I think of myself, I can see that I am part of my father's side and part of my mother's side. I clearly identify with both and have characteristics in common with my cousins on those sides. I don't know what it would be like to not be related to one side of the family. And my side of the family is much bigger than my husbands. I have a lot of siblings, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, etc, and most of them live in the same state. Our child(ren) will spend a lot more time with their cousins on my side of the family and I wonder what it will be like for them to not be biologically related to the side of the family they have the greatest identity with. My husband's siblings live out of state and their children are much older than ours will be.
I feel strongly that we will tell our child the truth as his/her age permits. I don't want it to be a shameful secret. I want them to have a healthy sense of who they are.
Anyway, lots to think about. And I don't even know if the egg donor will actually do it yet and if she won't, we are back to square one picking out a new donor and waiting to hear if she will accept. I thought the hard part was making the decision to go with an egg donor. Now it is all about waiting. I guess I am used to that...
If you are in the mood for a good cry, check out the International Infertility Film Festival http://infertilityfilmfestival.blogspot.com/ I didn't know I was in the mood for a good but I followed some links and watched some videos that broke my heart.
I also saw this one which was interesting: DIyoutube Film by a father of children conceived with donor sperm. He brings up some interesting points about the impact on the child's sense of identity as he/she matures.
This is something I have worried about for our child(ren)(assuming this works and we have them). What will it be like to have a blank for one half of their lineage. I don't know how important that is. When I think of myself, I can see that I am part of my father's side and part of my mother's side. I clearly identify with both and have characteristics in common with my cousins on those sides. I don't know what it would be like to not be related to one side of the family. And my side of the family is much bigger than my husbands. I have a lot of siblings, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, etc, and most of them live in the same state. Our child(ren) will spend a lot more time with their cousins on my side of the family and I wonder what it will be like for them to not be biologically related to the side of the family they have the greatest identity with. My husband's siblings live out of state and their children are much older than ours will be.
I feel strongly that we will tell our child the truth as his/her age permits. I don't want it to be a shameful secret. I want them to have a healthy sense of who they are.
Anyway, lots to think about. And I don't even know if the egg donor will actually do it yet and if she won't, we are back to square one picking out a new donor and waiting to hear if she will accept. I thought the hard part was making the decision to go with an egg donor. Now it is all about waiting. I guess I am used to that...
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