The decision was made

but not by me. I am not legally divorced yet and the fertility clinic called me back and said that if I was still legally married, my husband would have to sign the papers to accept the embryo. So, they agreed to keep me on the list and I can call them back when I am divorced and know that this is something that I want to do.

It was actually a relief as I am not ready to make the decision to attempt to become a single parent. I am still figuring out what I want to do in the future and getting my self organized. It's been a long six months and I think I need at least another 6 months to be able to make this type of decision.

Thank you for your moral support.

Just when I was moving on

Naturally, as I am moving forward with my grief of my marriage ending and dealing with all of the losses associated with that, and feeling like I am making some headway, the doctor called yesterday to tell me that I am next to receive donated embryos.

They have three embryos that are mine for the taking. (well, once I come up with $7,500).

Are you kidding me?

I had to tell them that my husband left. They said I could still have them even if I am single. Geezus.

Yes, I want to be a mom. No, I am not ready to be a single mom. Not yet. I am just about to go through my first holiday season alone. I have to be stronger to be a single mom. More confident.

I have a week to get back to them.

Healing Haiku

The worst day wasn't
that Thursday when you walked out
That was just the end

Day of I.V.F.
when you threatened to leave me
That was the worst day

Your sperm, her eggs - two
embryos in my body
You so fucked it up

6 months planning
Thirty grand, so many shots
And you were not sure?

Maybe you were scared
to have a child with me
But your timing sucked

Then you cried with me
when it failed in every way
Why don't we adopt?

It was your idea
The interview was Monday
You left just before

I see a pattern
You don't want me, don't want kids
Doesn't matter which

Trying to explain
to the nice social worker
I broke down sobbing

You got the hell out
Leaving me with only dreams
Childless, forty-three

Time to fess up

Me. I need to fess up. I haven't written here in ages because things have, well, gone to hell in handbasket. That's a nice way to put it. Since this was a fertility blog and then became an adoption blog, I wasn't sure where this news fit in so I just avoided blogland altogether.

My husband left me.

Just a few days before the home visit from the social worker. Who I could not call off as it was a Monday first thing in the morning appointment. So I explained why he wasn't home and then just cried. I asked her to close our case.

It's been three months. I am doing better now but, needless to say, the last few months have totally sucked.

I don't know what I am going to do parent wise. I am seeing my therapist and he is helping me sort through everything and figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

I didn't think this would happen. I thought we were in it for the long term.

Sorry for the bummer news. Just wanted to explain what happened.

!

We are still plodding along. Sorry for the silence.

The adoption process is not like cycling - now 2 week bursts of activity, emotion, doctor visits, numbers to report, etc. There seems to be no pattern to the adoption process - things happen on their own time and I have no idea when the end date is.

As we are adopting through the county foster/adoption program, we need to become licensed foster parents. We attended the orientation 2 weeks ago and were surprised that they said we would have a home visit in 30 - 45 days from the foster licensing worker. You see, while we have cleaned out our guest room somewhat, it is no where near being a child's room. So, I spent the past weekend clearing everything out of that room (it was our ironing room, art room, storage room, and guest room). Steamed cleaned the carpet. So. Now we have an empty room. Still not a child's room.

Our next task is the scary one. Making it look like a child's room. We haven't been approved - yet to be approved, we have show that we are ready for a child or two. We need a crib. We need a changing table and dresser. It seems too real and too hopeful to acquire these items. I dread having a child-ready room sitting in our house months before we are even approved for adoption. I understand that they want us to be ready. I want to be ready. But I'd rather get ready after we were approved.

On the other hand, I get to shop for a child's room! I have no idea if we are talking about a boy or girl, a 6 month old or a 3.5 year old, one or two, etc. That makes it a big challenging. I'm going to try to borrow the big items from family members in case we don't need them.

Well, this is where we are. Still plodding along.

Thank you TV

DH has been dragging his feet when it comes to filling out the 30 question autobiographical form. My gentle nudging was not doing the trick. Finally it came out that he was really hoping for the donor embryo to come through for us.

Oh.

So, we had a nice talk about keeping both pathways open. The adoption process takes so long that I don't want to lose time waiting for a donated embryo and then hoping that it will work. Because frankly, I'm not feeling that optimistic about 1) getting an embryo and 2) getting pregnant with said embryo.

I want to keep moving forward on the adoption plan.

So, what's a girl to do to more than gently nudge DH? TV

I recently discovered a show called Adoption Stories. It is on weekday mornings from 6:30 - 7 am. I have never asked him to watch it but every morning this week, he has sat down and watched with me. Of course, they always show a happy ending and they don't dwell on the approval process. It's been great because we then talk about the family and their experience. They have had all types of adoption - infant, international, older child, and today the featured a foster family who adopted two children.

This show is the perfect inspiration for us. I don't say this often, but I am grateful for TV.

The first chunk of the adoption papers have been sent in

Wow. It took more gumption to fill out those forms that I would have anticipated. But they are in and with this, we have signaled to the social worker our intent to keep moving forward in this process. She was probably wondering what happened to us.

I called the RE and told her (well, I told the receptionist to please tell her since she wasn't there) that we would turn down this opportunity for the triple split donor situation for both emotional and financial reasons. Surprisingly, I am OK with it. I would like to have another try at a donor egg but right now, $12,000 is seeming like a whole heck of a lot of money to "try" again. It if didn't work, the pain (financial and otherwise) would be too much to bare. Right now, it is safer to say no.

Later, if we are feeling stronger emotionally and more solvent financially, we may give a situation like that a try. But not now. We can't take it.

I don't know what I feel any more. Exasperated and exhausted, I guess. Better than heartbroken and depressed...

This is how it goes for us

I've been in a funk. You may have noticed by my last post just sitting there for more than a month. That's what I've been doing. Sitting there. Looking at a box of adoption papers but not even taking them out to pretend to start working on them. Stuck. I even gained 5 pounds due to my lethargy.

My best friend gave me a good tongue lashing telling me to get off the fence. She has done this several times but this one finally worked. I took a half day from work on Monday and came home, got out the adoption paperwork, and worked on it. I retyped the autobiography questions so we could answer them on the computer, I filled out the easy forms, and basically got a lot done. Let me tell you, it felt great.

The next day, I went to the gym for the first time in months. I took the dog for a walk after work. I started listening to music on my ipod instead of the news. I felt happier than I have in a long time.

DH and I have been arguing a lot about money. Our fertility loan payment ($500 per month for 7 years!) has stressed our monthly budget a bit so we spent time calculating how we can cut some luxuries here and there, pay it down faster, and find a way to get out of debt AND buy a house this year.

We decided that this upcoming three day weekend, which is our 5 year anniversary, we won't go on the trip we planned. To save money, we'll do fun things in our area like see movies, go to coffee shops, walk the dog, and, in between all of that, we'll finish our autobiographies for the adoption paperwork (30 essay questions each on our childhood, parenting plans, relationship, etc. ). We were both looking forward to a fun and productive weekend.

If this was a movie, this is where the upbeat sound track would kick in. The couple is finally getting in sync and the everything is groovy. They are moving toward something positive in their future. It doesn't hurt that we have been having incredible weather here lately (sorry to those who live in other areas but San Diego has been having weather in the low 80's).

Most of this happened on Monday and Tuesday of this week.

Then come Wednesday and what happens? (The soundtrack will come to halt and maybe with the sound of a car braking to a complete stop.) The RE called me on my way to work. The RE herself. My first thought was that they had an embryo to donate. Regular Egged readers will know that that is not my luck.

My luck is this: she asked if we wanted to go in on a triple split donor egg IVF. The donor has donated 3 times previously and each time she has produced over 30 eggs. There are two other couples already in and they want a third. We will get 1/3 of the eggs. Likely, that will be 10.

The cost? Roughly $12,000 once everything is done. They want to do this in the next couple of months.

Are you freaking kidding me? This call could not have been timed worse. Why couldn't we have had this offer before we tried the $30,000 donor egg?

Before we were totally broke.

Before we were totally hopeless.

I talked with DH about it last night and he was speechless at first. How many decisions to we have to make. He just doesn't believe it will work. 10 eggs is what we got from our egg donor last time. And we ended up with nothing but debt and heartbreak. He is certain that if we try this, we'll end up the same way. He is inclined to say no.

I am a little more optimistic (only from reading other blogs and knowing that it actually does work sometimes. DH doesn't read blogs so most of his knowledge is from our experience which has been one BFN after another).

So, there we are. I am not getting back on the fence. I am continuing on with the adoption paperwork.

I have to call the RE today or tomorrow and tell her our decision.

I am still going to the gym today and I already walked the dog.

That threw me for a loop

I have sunk into a depression.

Going to the RE and being given the chance to be on the embryo donation list has messed with my emotions and my resolve.

There we were, going along with the foster/adoption plan. Attending classes, reading books, meeting with the social worker. Anticipating the child/children that might come to us. Learning about attachment issues. Feeling confident with our plan. Fertility issues behind us.

But hey, how about embryo donation? When you start thinking about it, how can you not veer towards it? A baby that I would give birth to. A baby that no court could take away from us later on. A baby that we would have from day one (actually, it could be a five day transfer so from day five of fertilization plus the time it spent frozen. OK, for argument's sake, let's just say day one).

This option is more agreeable than the foster adoption plan. We would be matched with the embryo, send a lawyer some money, the embryos would be legally ours, and any resulting child would be ours with no worry that someone would take him or her away from us.

It's like we have come to a screeching halt in our adoption plans. We haven't turned in the next set of papers. We haven't gotten our physicals. We haven't given up but we've lost our momentum.

I want to keep moving forward on both plans. It's just hard not to hold out hope for the possible donated embryo. And this has sent my emotions into overload. I find that DH and I talk much more about the embryo donation path than the adoption path. The embryo donation may not happen. It may not work (remember, I didn't get pregnant with a donor egg). We need to have plan B in place. Did I just admit that embryo donation is plan A? I guess I did. I don't want to wait another 6 - 12 months only to find that it didn't work.

So, I need to come up with the energy (emotional and otherwise since it's a lot of paperwork, meetings, classes, etc) to keep pursuing adoption.

Argh.

We are on the embryo donation list but it doesn't make us feel any better

I called the RE yesterday and asked to be put on the embryo donation list. She said that we are number 6. That is shorter than I expected. She said it would be at least 6 months. That's about the same amount of time it will take us to go through the adoption stuff so I'm sure there will be some heart wrenching decision waiting for us in 6 months.

We are undecided about trying IUI again. Why bring more disappointment into our lives. Sure, I could do and just assume it won't work and then if it does I'll be overjoyed. But we all know how it works. Hope gets in there and there is no way to get through a BFN with out being hugely disappointed, no matter how much you expected it to fail.

DH is getting depressed. So am I. We just want something that will work. Not a foster adopt situation that may end up with a child going back to his or her birth parent. Not an IUI that probably won't work. Not an embryo donation that, let's be honest, probably won't work. We want something to work. We're willing to work hard to get it but we need it to work. We don't need to spend 6 months on paperwork and invasive interviews only to have a child get yanked from our loving arms. We don't need to wait for this precious donated embryo, fork over $5,000, put all of our hopes into it, and then have it not work. We don't need these situations.

Are we asking for a miracle here?

Is wanting to be a parent asking too much of the world? It feels like it sometimes. As DH said this morning, can't we call in a chit at this point? We're good people. He's a teacher, I work for a non-profit. We both served in the Peace Corps. We recycle. We don't drink and drive. We pick up our dog's poop when on a walk. We give to the poor. We turn off the sprinklers when it rains. We use compact florescent light bulbs. We vote. We voted no on prop 8. We pray. We've been model citizens working for the betterment of our community and our world. Doesn't any of that count?

That just made me more confused

I went to the RE. When we had the mother of all BFNs in August, she told me that I could come in for a followup appointment to learn what happened with our cycle. I delayed and delayed and even canceled one appointment. I didn't want to go back but I did want to know what happened with our cycle.

I mean, for $30,000 down the drain, I think I should know what they think went wrong.

Here's what I heard:
-the sperm looked good
-my uterus looked good
-my lining was excellent
-the embryos looked great on date 3, pretty good on day 5 (when we did the transfer), and horrible on day 6 (which left none to freeze).
-they have not let the egg donor donate again.

She thought I would be pregnant when I walked out of the transfer since things looked pretty good. They were all disappointed on my behalf.

She acknowledged that it was probably hard for me to walk in the door and I said yes, it was. It was horrible to be there. I think over the past 2 years, I have been there about 70 times. That's a boatload of visits. So we commiserated for a while and then she went over my options:
- do nothing and live childfree
- adopt
- do egg donor again though if we did it again, she would only let us use a proven egg donor and she recommends that we consider using donor sperm on a portion (.25) of the eggs to see if there is a difference with the embryos. If there is, we will at least have something to work with. Not a bad idea.
- split a donor cycle with someone to save money. We'll have less to work with but it will be somewhat less expensive.
- get on their embryo donation list. They do have folks who donate their leftover embryos and they keep of list of those interested in receiving them. It would cost between $3 - 5,000 to do a transfer of donated embryos.
- do two more IUIs. I have already done six, which I thought was her limit, but the first two were on clomid. So she said it would be ok to do two more. My insurance does cover IUIs minus about $500. She said my last IUI was my best response - that was when I used the maximum dosage of gonal f. My chances aren't great but it could be worth a try if I could handle it emotionally.

Whew. I left confused.

I was not expecting options. I was just expecting information. I had told myself we were done with the IF business and on to adoption.

We won't do donor egg again - there is no way to justify the expense. DH wants to get on the embryo donation list. I don't have any problem with that. The doc said she has no way of knowing how long it would take to get a call since not everyone agrees to donate their extra embryos.

I am interested in trying IUI again because, well, what the heck. DH is worried about the impact of those max level drugs on me plus the chance of down syndrome,etc, if we use my eggs. Plus he doesn't want the likely disappointment.

I want to keep moving forward with the adoption plan no matter what. The IUI has a low chance and who knows if/when we would be called for a donor embryo.

Argh. Back to decision making again. I am sick of making decisions that go nowhere.

What scares me about adoption through the foster system:

As excited as we are to adopt, we are also terrified.

In the best interest of the child (which I agree with totally), when a parent is likely to have their parental rights terminated (due to previous children being taken away) our county places that child(ren) in a pre-adoptive home. Meaning, the child lives with parents who are interested in adopting the child and not just fostering. Then, when the rights are terminated, the child is legally adopted and stays with the family he or she has already been living with. It saves the child from having multiple placements during the 18 months or so that it takes to terminate the parental rights. It's good for the child and the adoptive parents get the child 18 months younger (at age 10 months, say, rather than 28 months)

This is different from a child who parents seem likely to get their act together - those children go to a standard foster home and the plan is for them to go back to their parents, assuming their parents do what they are supposed to do.

So, we are likely to take in a child(ren) who is not yet legally available for adoption. We'll care for that child(ren) for the up to 18 months it takes and then, wallah, we'll adopt and live happily ever after. Unless, the parents surprise everyone and get their act together. Then, the child(ren) goes back to them. And leaves us.

This is what terrifies us.

That we would love and care for child only to have him/her leave us. That happens in 10% of the cases. Seems like a small number but regular EggedOut readers will remember that we had a 20% chance of failure in our egg donor cycle and yep, we managed to fail.

We don't trust our luck. And we really don't want to be routing for the birth parents to fail.

This is our situation. Scary. But we will proceed. Because we are: brave? gluttons for punishment? deluded? hopeful?

PRIDE

We finished our Adoption (PRIDE) class! It was a great class. I learned a lot and met some great people who are also trying to adopt through the county system.

At this point, I can't even fathom going through IF treatments again. This feels so much more positive and likely to work.

We were assigned a social worker and I've been told that from here, it should take about 6 months before we get our final approval. We will take this time to regroup, save money, and prepare ourselves for the next phase of our lives.

We are excited. I am excited.

I feel like a newbie again. I've started reading adoption and foster parent blogs. I don't comment on any one's blog yet - still trying to learn the lingo and just excited to hear their stories (just like 2 years ago when I started IF treatments and blog reading). I go back and read their whole blog to see how they got to where they are now. It's like a whole new world.

I do have an appointment with the RE to discuss my failed Donor Egg cycle. I don't want to go but I feel I must find out if she felt that we had a crappy donor, crappy sperm, crappy uterus, or just crappy luck. At this point I don't feel that we will try DE again but you never know. Crappy luck could follow us to the adoption end of things and we may be lured back to IF.

I'm sorry I haven't been commenting lately. I've been reading blogs again - just haven't gotten back into commenting. I'll do better.

The Weird Thing is...

It is much easier to tell people we are trying to adopt than it was to tell them we were going through fertility treatments. You'd think these two paths (adoption and treatments) were not both focused on the same thing: building family. But they are.

When we tell people we are trying to adopt, they are happy for us and it is very positive. When you tell people you are going through fertility treatments, they don't know what to say or they say the wrong thing. If it is not an awkward conversation, it is a depressing one.

Somehow, adoption is a universally positive thing (at least so far). People get really excited to talk about it and the conversation usually ends with me feeling more excited.

We have one more PRIDE class (that's the 9 week required class if you want to adopt through the county foster care system). I learned a lot when I was going through fertility treatments; this is the same way. I am learning about what a child adopted at an older age needs to develop into a healthy adult. I am learning about the foster system and the court system. I have to say, I find it interesting.

What is also interesting is that here we are, anticipating becoming parents, and we have no idea what number or type of children will be coming into our home. We are open to adopting siblings (3 at the most) though we would also take a baby. So when we talk about our future family, all options are on the table. Makes it a little hard to plan but it is also like anticipating a gift (or 3). Kind of exciting.

This is my update.

I am here

I am still here. I guess I should say something. I haven't known what to say so I've been avoiding this blog and haven't been reading others either.

I feel so defeated.

For the moment, and maybe forever, we have given up on getting pregnant. I just don't think we have the emotional strength to put ourselves through that again. Coincidentally, we don't have the financial strength to do it again either.

We have decided to pursue adoption and have gotten involved in the county adoption system. It will take 3 - 6 months to finish all of our paper works, home studies, courses, etc, and then we will be eligible to take a child who has been taken away from his/her parents. There are siblings as well. This child may be an infant but will more likely be older.

It is very complicated. At times, I am seized with fear that we will get a child who is so wounded that all of our love won't be able to bring him or her to a healthy life. At other times, I am so excited about having children in the house, I don't care what age they are. I want to plan birthday parties, make Halloween costumes, read bedtime stories, and go to soccer games, etc.

DH and I get very excited talking about these potential children and how we will raise them and how the house will be with kids around. We are hopeful.

We have started taking the foster/adoption classes. It is interesting. There are a few folks like us there - who don't have kids and want them. There are others who have children and want more and there are a few who have adopted a slew of kids and want to adopt more. One woman has 8 kids and wants more! I have to say that there is a part of me that wants to yell - "hey, sit on your hands for a while and let the rest of us have a chance!" But that would be dumb because everyone there is adopting a child who has been taken from his or her lame ass parents and deserves to have a loving family.

It is an interesting shift to think about adopting an older child who is in the system (as they say). We will spend time trying to overcome what the child has been through and praying that the child comes to love us and we to love him or her. If I thought getting a donor egg was a leap of faith and a belief in nurture over nature, this is one up from that!

Anyway, safe to say that I have mixed feelings on this. I am glad for the classes as they seem to be very realistic about what to expect. The odds are will us that will end up with a child via this route. And I think that is the most important thing to us. To end up with a child.

Options we are considering

1. Domestic adoption - infant or very young child

2. International adoption - but only from one country where we have a friend who will help us through the process

3. International donor egg IVF - has anyone done IVF in the Czech Republic?

We are going to pursue all three options with the hope of having a child in our arms in a year or so. All paths seem exhausting at the moment but I'm trying to keep focused on the end result. And I'm hopeful that my enthusiasm will return once one of the options shows promise.

So, that's it. I've checked out of blogland for a while. It was nice to take a break actually, as during the final weeks of the donor egg thing, I was fairly obsessive about reading blogs and the Internet.

I hope all are well. I'll get back to commenting soon.

We are still numb

DH and I have agreed to talk (yell, cry) about all of our feelings (sadness, anger, frustration, hope, etc) over the three day weekend when we are on a trip. For the past few weeks, the feelings have bubbled up off and on but we are relatively quick to not go to that painful place of the first few days we got our BFN. The place of enormous body crushing disappointment.

But this weekend will be a feel-a-thon. We'll give ourselves the space, time, and support to say and feel the whole range of feelings. My therapist (who I just started seeing again - very timely) suggested that we try to get at all the feelings of TTC for the past 5 years. So we can then move on. It's been five years of disappointments - bit by bit but now we are in a big hole. We need to climb out.

We are paralyzed right now. We are stuck. So I'm actually looking forward to this weekend because I just want to get the anger out, the sadness out. Surely, it won't take the pain and sadness all away but I'm hoping it will serve as some sort of cleansing. Some sort of moving on so we are better able to decide what to do.

I'm going to burn that photo of the failed embryos. That sounds weird but I don't want to find that photo some day unexpectedly. I want to put it to rest. We don't need it taunting us. Reminding us. Neither of us has touched it since that day. It is just sitting on the counter and I think we didn't want to pick it up because then we would have to talk about it and do something with it. When I suggested we burn it this weekend, DH was on board.

I'm sorry I haven't been out there commenting very much. It is really hard to read about the BFPs and the struggles. I'm not quite in a supportive mood but I am truly happy for the BFPs. Everyone deserves it. We all deserve it.

On a positive note - the new dog does give us joy. She is perfect and better than I ever expected. She must have gotten lost from a home where she was well loved because she quickly transferred her flags to us and has become a great companion.

Just what the doctor ordered

Sorry for the silence. I've got a post brewing but I'm taking a little break from actively dealing with IF stuff.

Other Very Important Non-IF News: We got a dog! This little dog is just what I needed. She's cuddly, loyal, and cute as the dickens. She was a rescue (I'm happy I was able to get a rescue)and she has quickly taken to us. We've only had her for two days and she has cheered me up considerably. She looks like a lab puppy but she's a 2 year old mix (cocker span.iel and chih.uahua).

Ramblings

First, thank you all for your support. It means the world. I will be a better supporter of others because I know how much it helps. It really helps to read the comments and feel your empathy. THANK YOU.

I think the worst is over. I'll still cry at the drop of a hat but I'm starting to come out of the funk. I have not run out and bought a dog - maybe this weekend. I want to get the right one for us. Last night I laid on the sofa missing our dog and thinking about what comfort she would have been during this time. She was a snuggler.

I've told all those irl who knew (only 3 plus dh) and I'm thankful that I had only told 3. Those were hard phone calls.

Back to my situation. IT SUCKS. I guess it sucks the most because now we are at square one again and have to figure out where to put our (meager) emotional and financial resources. I wish I could fast forward to the happy place where I have a little toddler who is part of of my life. I can see the image - a mom going about her daily business, not worrying about how to procure a child from this earth. Just loving on the one (or two) she has. And just occasionally thinking back to the bad dream (nightmare) of infertility. But knowing that it was all worth so she could have this child who she loves so much. That keeps me going. Keeps my eyes on the prize.

We can't give up. I want to have children. I've already been childless - I know what that is like, thank you very much, and yes, it does have it's advantages, but I'm ready for something different. For the second half (or second 2/3s - can we be optimistic?), I'd like to try out parenting. So, we have to persevere and figure out how we are going to do this.

We'd been working on this egg donor project since February. That's when we made the decision and started the process. Now it is August. We lost 6 months on that. 6 months!! We could have been partly through the adoption process. We could have done 3 more IUIs (not that I wanted to but it would have been cheaper and probably the same outcome anyway). But the worst part is the 6 months of putting our hopes and dreams into that egg donor cycle. We would talk about it and make plans for it and work our lives around it. For example, we like to go down to Baja California (we live in San Diego) and where we go has a long dirt road. So, I'd say, well, if I'm 7 months pregnant with twins, we're not going there. And so we would plan our trips around this supposed pregnancy and then the arrival of the child. We've been wanting to buy a house and now is the time with the downturn in the market. We've gone back and forth over whether or not to buy a fixer upper. I'd say, if I'm pregnant or have a small child, I don't want a house in shambles - I'll need to nest. So we would plan around that concept of a pregnant Egged wanting her house in order for the arrival of her baby.

OK, we shouldn't have let ourselves put that much faith in the long awaited egg donor cycle but I submit to you that we, at the Egged household, don't have all that much else exciting to talk about. What can top the idea of starting a family? And going through a donor egg cycle with an 80% chance of success? We talked about this potential success way more than we did for any of the IUI cycles. Those had nary a chance.

I'm trying to figure out what hurts the most - not that it matters - it's all a loss. A loss of time, hope, money, potential, and for now, it's a loss of happiness.

I'm really sad.

And there is no easy way to solve this problem. Adoption - complicated and expensive. Egg donor cycle - risky and expensive. Every solution requires a grand gesture of effort, hope, and resources. There's no shortcut. You have to really want this. I feel like I have to prove that over and over.

This to the Universe: how much more proof do you need? We really want this. We are not just jerking around. We want children. We want a family. We'll keep trying on our end but PLEASE deliver on your end.

B Fricking N

This did not go how we all hoped.

First of all, thank you everyone for your gentle yet hopeful support. Yesterday, I e-mailed the responses to DH and he called me at lunch and we read them together. They gave us a little hope which is actually what we needed to get out of a very deep funk. Even though we knew the chances were slim, it was nice to think it wasn't totally over. And it was great to know that you all had our backs. And I really mean it - you made a difference for us on what was a truly awful day.

Today, it is officially over.

I went in for the blood test holding back the tears. I didn't want to be there or talk to anyone - I was too vulnerable. After the blood test, I ran out to my car and cried.

I pulled myself together and went to the office. Actually, I am very busy lately so it is easier to be at work than to be by myself in the car or at home. They said they would call after 2 pm. I held it together until 2 pm and then I had to leave and take a late lunch. I went to the pound. Yes, that pound. I didn't tell you all that we had to put our poor dear loyal dog to sleep about a month ago. ( which was another truly awful day). I thought if I found a new dog today, that would be something hopeful. The pound was full of people waiting to see or adopt dogs and I knew there was no way I could arrange to adopt a dog during my lunch hour. Don't these people work? I thought I would have the run of the place. Anyway, I ran through the aisles looking at dogs but that got depressing, too, because I knew it would be unlikely to get one immediately.

So, I decided to go back to the office. On the freeway, of course, the phone finally rings. I pull over to take the call. It was the RE. She called me personally to tell me it was negative. I guess I appreciate that. I don't know. She said I could schedule an appointment to come in after next Tuesday to go over what happened. I don't know that I will - at $30,000, it's not likely that we will give this another go and I don't know what information we will get from that meeting. Thoughts?

After we hung up, I sobbed. I was still on the side of the freeway but I figured it was as private place a place as any. Everyone is flying by at 70 miles an hour - no one will notice poor little me crying my eyes out. Except for the motorcycle cop who pulls up to see what's going on. Jeez, can't a girl cry on the side of the freeway for more than 2 minutes anymore? So I told him I would move on.

I got off the freeway and called dh (leaving a teary message) and then my mom. God bless her. She didn't know what to say but she cried with me and that was all I needed from her. She, who had 8 children in 9 years, has no idea what this is like but she was there for me.

I thought about taking the afternoon off of work but frankly, there's plenty of time to cry at home and I can hold it together at work pretty well.

The only decision we have made is to not make any decisions about what to do next until after labor day. We have a fun escape planned for that weekend and I'm looking forward to it. After that, we can get down to business and figure out a new way to build our family. But for now, I get to cry all I want.

And maybe I'll go buy a dog. Do you think it is ok in this situation to not rescue a dog from the pound? It goes against my instincts but I've had enough hassle trying to get a loved one into my life lately.