The decision was made

but not by me. I am not legally divorced yet and the fertility clinic called me back and said that if I was still legally married, my husband would have to sign the papers to accept the embryo. So, they agreed to keep me on the list and I can call them back when I am divorced and know that this is something that I want to do.

It was actually a relief as I am not ready to make the decision to attempt to become a single parent. I am still figuring out what I want to do in the future and getting my self organized. It's been a long six months and I think I need at least another 6 months to be able to make this type of decision.

Thank you for your moral support.

Just when I was moving on

Naturally, as I am moving forward with my grief of my marriage ending and dealing with all of the losses associated with that, and feeling like I am making some headway, the doctor called yesterday to tell me that I am next to receive donated embryos.

They have three embryos that are mine for the taking. (well, once I come up with $7,500).

Are you kidding me?

I had to tell them that my husband left. They said I could still have them even if I am single. Geezus.

Yes, I want to be a mom. No, I am not ready to be a single mom. Not yet. I am just about to go through my first holiday season alone. I have to be stronger to be a single mom. More confident.

I have a week to get back to them.

Healing Haiku

The worst day wasn't
that Thursday when you walked out
That was just the end

Day of I.V.F.
when you threatened to leave me
That was the worst day

Your sperm, her eggs - two
embryos in my body
You so fucked it up

6 months planning
Thirty grand, so many shots
And you were not sure?

Maybe you were scared
to have a child with me
But your timing sucked

Then you cried with me
when it failed in every way
Why don't we adopt?

It was your idea
The interview was Monday
You left just before

I see a pattern
You don't want me, don't want kids
Doesn't matter which

Trying to explain
to the nice social worker
I broke down sobbing

You got the hell out
Leaving me with only dreams
Childless, forty-three

Time to fess up

Me. I need to fess up. I haven't written here in ages because things have, well, gone to hell in handbasket. That's a nice way to put it. Since this was a fertility blog and then became an adoption blog, I wasn't sure where this news fit in so I just avoided blogland altogether.

My husband left me.

Just a few days before the home visit from the social worker. Who I could not call off as it was a Monday first thing in the morning appointment. So I explained why he wasn't home and then just cried. I asked her to close our case.

It's been three months. I am doing better now but, needless to say, the last few months have totally sucked.

I don't know what I am going to do parent wise. I am seeing my therapist and he is helping me sort through everything and figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

I didn't think this would happen. I thought we were in it for the long term.

Sorry for the bummer news. Just wanted to explain what happened.

!

We are still plodding along. Sorry for the silence.

The adoption process is not like cycling - now 2 week bursts of activity, emotion, doctor visits, numbers to report, etc. There seems to be no pattern to the adoption process - things happen on their own time and I have no idea when the end date is.

As we are adopting through the county foster/adoption program, we need to become licensed foster parents. We attended the orientation 2 weeks ago and were surprised that they said we would have a home visit in 30 - 45 days from the foster licensing worker. You see, while we have cleaned out our guest room somewhat, it is no where near being a child's room. So, I spent the past weekend clearing everything out of that room (it was our ironing room, art room, storage room, and guest room). Steamed cleaned the carpet. So. Now we have an empty room. Still not a child's room.

Our next task is the scary one. Making it look like a child's room. We haven't been approved - yet to be approved, we have show that we are ready for a child or two. We need a crib. We need a changing table and dresser. It seems too real and too hopeful to acquire these items. I dread having a child-ready room sitting in our house months before we are even approved for adoption. I understand that they want us to be ready. I want to be ready. But I'd rather get ready after we were approved.

On the other hand, I get to shop for a child's room! I have no idea if we are talking about a boy or girl, a 6 month old or a 3.5 year old, one or two, etc. That makes it a big challenging. I'm going to try to borrow the big items from family members in case we don't need them.

Well, this is where we are. Still plodding along.

Thank you TV

DH has been dragging his feet when it comes to filling out the 30 question autobiographical form. My gentle nudging was not doing the trick. Finally it came out that he was really hoping for the donor embryo to come through for us.

Oh.

So, we had a nice talk about keeping both pathways open. The adoption process takes so long that I don't want to lose time waiting for a donated embryo and then hoping that it will work. Because frankly, I'm not feeling that optimistic about 1) getting an embryo and 2) getting pregnant with said embryo.

I want to keep moving forward on the adoption plan.

So, what's a girl to do to more than gently nudge DH? TV

I recently discovered a show called Adoption Stories. It is on weekday mornings from 6:30 - 7 am. I have never asked him to watch it but every morning this week, he has sat down and watched with me. Of course, they always show a happy ending and they don't dwell on the approval process. It's been great because we then talk about the family and their experience. They have had all types of adoption - infant, international, older child, and today the featured a foster family who adopted two children.

This show is the perfect inspiration for us. I don't say this often, but I am grateful for TV.

The first chunk of the adoption papers have been sent in

Wow. It took more gumption to fill out those forms that I would have anticipated. But they are in and with this, we have signaled to the social worker our intent to keep moving forward in this process. She was probably wondering what happened to us.

I called the RE and told her (well, I told the receptionist to please tell her since she wasn't there) that we would turn down this opportunity for the triple split donor situation for both emotional and financial reasons. Surprisingly, I am OK with it. I would like to have another try at a donor egg but right now, $12,000 is seeming like a whole heck of a lot of money to "try" again. It if didn't work, the pain (financial and otherwise) would be too much to bare. Right now, it is safer to say no.

Later, if we are feeling stronger emotionally and more solvent financially, we may give a situation like that a try. But not now. We can't take it.

I don't know what I feel any more. Exasperated and exhausted, I guess. Better than heartbroken and depressed...