The Egg Timer (is about to ring)

The decision was made

2009-12-17T21:58:00.000-08:00

but not by me. I am not legally divorced yet and the fertility clinic called me back and said that if I was still legally married, my husband would have to sign the papers to accept the embryo. So, they agreed to keep me on the list and I can call them back when I am divorced and know that this is something that I want to do.

It was actually a relief as I am not ready to make the decision to attempt to become a single parent. I am still figuring out what I want to do in the future and getting my self organized. It's been a long six months and I think I need at least another 6 months to be able to make this type of decision.

Thank you for your moral support.

Just when I was moving on

2009-12-10T04:53:00.000-08:00

Naturally, as I am moving forward with my grief of my marriage ending and dealing with all of the losses associated with that, and feeling like I am making some headway, the doctor called yesterday to tell me that I am next to receive donated embryos.

They have three embryos that are mine for the taking. (well, once I come up with $7,500).

Are you kidding me?

I had to tell them that my husband left. They said I could still have them even if I am single. Geezus.

Yes, I want to be a mom. No, I am not ready to be a single mom. Not yet. I am just about to go through my first holiday season alone. I have to be stronger to be a single mom. More confident.

I have a week to get back to them.

Healing Haiku

2009-11-29T16:43:00.000-08:00

The worst day wasn't
that Thursday when you walked out
That was just the end

Day of I.V.F.
when you threatened to leave me
That was the worst day

Your sperm, her eggs - two
embryos in my body
You so fucked it up

6 months planning
Thirty grand, so many shots
And you were not sure?

Maybe you were scared
to have a child with me
But your timing sucked

Then you cried with me
when it failed in every way
Why don't we adopt?

It was your idea
The interview was Monday
You left just before

I see a pattern
You don't want me, don't want kids
Doesn't matter which

Trying to explain
to the nice social worker
I broke down sobbing

You got the hell out
Leaving me with only dreams
Childless, forty-three

Time to fess up

2009-07-21T22:10:00.000-07:00

Me. I need to fess up. I haven't written here in ages because things have, well, gone to hell in handbasket. That's a nice way to put it. Since this was a fertility blog and then became an adoption blog, I wasn't sure where this news fit in so I just avoided blogland altogether.

My husband left me.

Just a few days before the home visit from the social worker. Who I could not call off as it was a Monday first thing in the morning appointment. So I explained why he wasn't home and then just cried. I asked her to close our case.

It's been three months. I am doing better now but, needless to say, the last few months have totally sucked.

I don't know what I am going to do parent wise. I am seeing my therapist and he is helping me sort through everything and figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

I didn't think this would happen. I thought we were in it for the long term.

Sorry for the bummer news. Just wanted to explain what happened.

!

2009-03-23T07:31:00.000-07:00

We are still plodding along. Sorry for the silence.

The adoption process is not like cycling - now 2 week bursts of activity, emotion, doctor visits, numbers to report, etc. There seems to be no pattern to the adoption process - things happen on their own time and I have no idea when the end date is.

As we are adopting through the county foster/adoption program, we need to become licensed foster parents. We attended the orientation 2 weeks ago and were surprised that they said we would have a home visit in 30 - 45 days from the foster licensing worker. You see, while we have cleaned out our guest room somewhat, it is no where near being a child's room. So, I spent the past weekend clearing everything out of that room (it was our ironing room, art room, storage room, and guest room). Steamed cleaned the carpet. So. Now we have an empty room. Still not a child's room.

Our next task is the scary one. Making it look like a child's room. We haven't been approved - yet to be approved, we have show that we are ready for a child or two. We need a crib. We need a changing table and dresser. It seems too real and too hopeful to acquire these items. I dread having a child-ready room sitting in our house months before we are even approved for adoption. I understand that they want us to be ready. I want to be ready. But I'd rather get ready after we were approved.

On the other hand, I get to shop for a child's room! I have no idea if we are talking about a boy or girl, a 6 month old or a 3.5 year old, one or two, etc. That makes it a big challenging. I'm going to try to borrow the big items from family members in case we don't need them.

Well, this is where we are. Still plodding along.

Thank you TV

2009-02-13T07:52:00.000-08:00

DH has been dragging his feet when it comes to filling out the 30 question autobiographical form. My gentle nudging was not doing the trick. Finally it came out that he was really hoping for the donor embryo to come through for us.

Oh.

So, we had a nice talk about keeping both pathways open. The adoption process takes so long that I don't want to lose time waiting for a donated embryo and then hoping that it will work. Because frankly, I'm not feeling that optimistic about 1) getting an embryo and 2) getting pregnant with said embryo.

I want to keep moving forward on the adoption plan.

So, what's a girl to do to more than gently nudge DH? TV

I recently discovered a show called Adoption Stories. It is on weekday mornings from 6:30 - 7 am. I have never asked him to watch it but every morning this week, he has sat down and watched with me. Of course, they always show a happy ending and they don't dwell on the approval process. It's been great because we then talk about the family and their experience. They have had all types of adoption - infant, international, older child, and today the featured a foster family who adopted two children.

This show is the perfect inspiration for us. I don't say this often, but I am grateful for TV.

The first chunk of the adoption papers have been sent in

2009-01-21T12:07:00.000-08:00

Wow. It took more gumption to fill out those forms that I would have anticipated. But they are in and with this, we have signaled to the social worker our intent to keep moving forward in this process. She was probably wondering what happened to us.

I called the RE and told her (well, I told the receptionist to please tell her since she wasn't there) that we would turn down this opportunity for the triple split donor situation for both emotional and financial reasons. Surprisingly, I am OK with it. I would like to have another try at a donor egg but right now, $12,000 is seeming like a whole heck of a lot of money to "try" again. It if didn't work, the pain (financial and otherwise) would be too much to bare. Right now, it is safer to say no.

Later, if we are feeling stronger emotionally and more solvent financially, we may give a situation like that a try. But not now. We can't take it.

I don't know what I feel any more. Exasperated and exhausted, I guess. Better than heartbroken and depressed...

This is how it goes for us

2009-01-15T07:10:00.000-08:00

I've been in a funk. You may have noticed by my last post just sitting there for more than a month. That's what I've been doing. Sitting there. Looking at a box of adoption papers but not even taking them out to pretend to start working on them. Stuck. I even gained 5 pounds due to my lethargy.

My best friend gave me a good tongue lashing telling me to get off the fence. She has done this several times but this one finally worked. I took a half day from work on Monday and came home, got out the adoption paperwork, and worked on it. I retyped the autobiography questions so we could answer them on the computer, I filled out the easy forms, and basically got a lot done. Let me tell you, it felt great.

The next day, I went to the gym for the first time in months. I took the dog for a walk after work. I started listening to music on my ipod instead of the news. I felt happier than I have in a long time.

DH and I have been arguing a lot about money. Our fertility loan payment ($500 per month for 7 years!) has stressed our monthly budget a bit so we spent time calculating how we can cut some luxuries here and there, pay it down faster, and find a way to get out of debt AND buy a house this year.

We decided that this upcoming three day weekend, which is our 5 year anniversary, we won't go on the trip we planned. To save money, we'll do fun things in our area like see movies, go to coffee shops, walk the dog, and, in between all of that, we'll finish our autobiographies for the adoption paperwork (30 essay questions each on our childhood, parenting plans, relationship, etc. ). We were both looking forward to a fun and productive weekend.

If this was a movie, this is where the upbeat sound track would kick in. The couple is finally getting in sync and the everything is groovy. They are moving toward something positive in their future. It doesn't hurt that we have been having incredible weather here lately (sorry to those who live in other areas but San Diego has been having weather in the low 80's).

Most of this happened on Monday and Tuesday of this week.

Then come Wednesday and what happens? (The soundtrack will come to halt and maybe with the sound of a car braking to a complete stop.) The RE called me on my way to work. The RE herself. My first thought was that they had an embryo to donate. Regular Egged readers will know that that is not my luck.

My luck is this: she asked if we wanted to go in on a triple split donor egg IVF. The donor has donated 3 times previously and each time she has produced over 30 eggs. There are two other couples already in and they want a third. We will get 1/3 of the eggs. Likely, that will be 10.

The cost? Roughly $12,000 once everything is done. They want to do this in the next couple of months.

Are you freaking kidding me? This call could not have been timed worse. Why couldn't we have had this offer before we tried the $30,000 donor egg?

Before we were totally broke.

Before we were totally hopeless.

I talked with DH about it last night and he was speechless at first. How many decisions to we have to make. He just doesn't believe it will work. 10 eggs is what we got from our egg donor last time. And we ended up with nothing but debt and heartbreak. He is certain that if we try this, we'll end up the same way. He is inclined to say no.

I am a little more optimistic (only from reading other blogs and knowing that it actually does work sometimes. DH doesn't read blogs so most of his knowledge is from our experience which has been one BFN after another).

So, there we are. I am not getting back on the fence. I am continuing on with the adoption paperwork.

I have to call the RE today or tomorrow and tell her our decision.

I am still going to the gym today and I already walked the dog.

That threw me for a loop

2008-12-09T07:33:00.001-08:00

I have sunk into a depression.

Going to the RE and being given the chance to be on the embryo donation list has messed with my emotions and my resolve.

There we were, going along with the foster/adoption plan. Attending classes, reading books, meeting with the social worker. Anticipating the child/children that might come to us. Learning about attachment issues. Feeling confident with our plan. Fertility issues behind us.

But hey, how about embryo donation? When you start thinking about it, how can you not veer towards it? A baby that I would give birth to. A baby that no court could take away from us later on. A baby that we would have from day one (actually, it could be a five day transfer so from day five of fertilization plus the time it spent frozen. OK, for argument's sake, let's just say day one).

This option is more agreeable than the foster adoption plan. We would be matched with the embryo, send a lawyer some money, the embryos would be legally ours, and any resulting child would be ours with no worry that someone would take him or her away from us.

It's like we have come to a screeching halt in our adoption plans. We haven't turned in the next set of papers. We haven't gotten our physicals. We haven't given up but we've lost our momentum.

I want to keep moving forward on both plans. It's just hard not to hold out hope for the possible donated embryo. And this has sent my emotions into overload. I find that DH and I talk much more about the embryo donation path than the adoption path. The embryo donation may not happen. It may not work (remember, I didn't get pregnant with a donor egg). We need to have plan B in place. Did I just admit that embryo donation is plan A? I guess I did. I don't want to wait another 6 - 12 months only to find that it didn't work.

So, I need to come up with the energy (emotional and otherwise since it's a lot of paperwork, meetings, classes, etc) to keep pursuing adoption.

Argh.

We are on the embryo donation list but it doesn't make us feel any better

2008-12-02T06:59:00.000-08:00

I called the RE yesterday and asked to be put on the embryo donation list. She said that we are number 6. That is shorter than I expected. She said it would be at least 6 months. That's about the same amount of time it will take us to go through the adoption stuff so I'm sure there will be some heart wrenching decision waiting for us in 6 months.

We are undecided about trying IUI again. Why bring more disappointment into our lives. Sure, I could do and just assume it won't work and then if it does I'll be overjoyed. But we all know how it works. Hope gets in there and there is no way to get through a BFN with out being hugely disappointed, no matter how much you expected it to fail.

DH is getting depressed. So am I. We just want something that will work. Not a foster adopt situation that may end up with a child going back to his or her birth parent. Not an IUI that probably won't work. Not an embryo donation that, let's be honest, probably won't work. We want something to work. We're willing to work hard to get it but we need it to work. We don't need to spend 6 months on paperwork and invasive interviews only to have a child get yanked from our loving arms. We don't need to wait for this precious donated embryo, fork over $5,000, put all of our hopes into it, and then have it not work. We don't need these situations.

Are we asking for a miracle here?

Is wanting to be a parent asking too much of the world? It feels like it sometimes. As DH said this morning, can't we call in a chit at this point? We're good people. He's a teacher, I work for a non-profit. We both served in the Peace Corps. We recycle. We don't drink and drive. We pick up our dog's poop when on a walk. We give to the poor. We turn off the sprinklers when it rains. We use compact florescent light bulbs. We vote. We voted no on prop 8. We pray. We've been model citizens working for the betterment of our community and our world. Doesn't any of that count?

That just made me more confused

2008-11-30T09:32:00.000-08:00

I went to the RE. When we had the mother of all BFNs in August, she told me that I could come in for a followup appointment to learn what happened with our cycle. I delayed and delayed and even canceled one appointment. I didn't want to go back but I did want to know what happened with our cycle.

I mean, for $30,000 down the drain, I think I should know what they think went wrong.

Here's what I heard:
-the sperm looked good
-my uterus looked good
-my lining was excellent
-the embryos looked great on date 3, pretty good on day 5 (when we did the transfer), and horrible on day 6 (which left none to freeze).
-they have not let the egg donor donate again.

She thought I would be pregnant when I walked out of the transfer since things looked pretty good. They were all disappointed on my behalf.

She acknowledged that it was probably hard for me to walk in the door and I said yes, it was. It was horrible to be there. I think over the past 2 years, I have been there about 70 times. That's a boatload of visits. So we commiserated for a while and then she went over my options:
- do nothing and live childfree
- adopt
- do egg donor again though if we did it again, she would only let us use a proven egg donor and she recommends that we consider using donor sperm on a portion (.25) of the eggs to see if there is a difference with the embryos. If there is, we will at least have something to work with. Not a bad idea.
- split a donor cycle with someone to save money. We'll have less to work with but it will be somewhat less expensive.
- get on their embryo donation list. They do have folks who donate their leftover embryos and they keep of list of those interested in receiving them. It would cost between $3 - 5,000 to do a transfer of donated embryos.
- do two more IUIs. I have already done six, which I thought was her limit, but the first two were on clomid. So she said it would be ok to do two more. My insurance does cover IUIs minus about $500. She said my last IUI was my best response - that was when I used the maximum dosage of gonal f. My chances aren't great but it could be worth a try if I could handle it emotionally.

Whew. I left confused.

I was not expecting options. I was just expecting information. I had told myself we were done with the IF business and on to adoption.

We won't do donor egg again - there is no way to justify the expense. DH wants to get on the embryo donation list. I don't have any problem with that. The doc said she has no way of knowing how long it would take to get a call since not everyone agrees to donate their extra embryos.

I am interested in trying IUI again because, well, what the heck. DH is worried about the impact of those max level drugs on me plus the chance of down syndrome,etc, if we use my eggs. Plus he doesn't want the likely disappointment.

I want to keep moving forward with the adoption plan no matter what. The IUI has a low chance and who knows if/when we would be called for a donor embryo.

Argh. Back to decision making again. I am sick of making decisions that go nowhere.

What scares me about adoption through the foster system:

2008-11-17T06:44:00.001-08:00

As excited as we are to adopt, we are also terrified.

In the best interest of the child (which I agree with totally), when a parent is likely to have their parental rights terminated (due to previous children being taken away) our county places that child(ren) in a pre-adoptive home. Meaning, the child lives with parents who are interested in adopting the child and not just fostering. Then, when the rights are terminated, the child is legally adopted and stays with the family he or she has already been living with. It saves the child from having multiple placements during the 18 months or so that it takes to terminate the parental rights. It's good for the child and the adoptive parents get the child 18 months younger (at age 10 months, say, rather than 28 months)

This is different from a child who parents seem likely to get their act together - those children go to a standard foster home and the plan is for them to go back to their parents, assuming their parents do what they are supposed to do.

So, we are likely to take in a child(ren) who is not yet legally available for adoption. We'll care for that child(ren) for the up to 18 months it takes and then, wallah, we'll adopt and live happily ever after. Unless, the parents surprise everyone and get their act together. Then, the child(ren) goes back to them. And leaves us.

This is what terrifies us.

That we would love and care for child only to have him/her leave us. That happens in 10% of the cases. Seems like a small number but regular EggedOut readers will remember that we had a 20% chance of failure in our egg donor cycle and yep, we managed to fail.

We don't trust our luck. And we really don't want to be routing for the birth parents to fail.

This is our situation. Scary. But we will proceed. Because we are: brave? gluttons for punishment? deluded? hopeful?

PRIDE

2008-11-14T17:09:00.001-08:00

We finished our Adoption (PRIDE) class! It was a great class. I learned a lot and met some great people who are also trying to adopt through the county system.

At this point, I can't even fathom going through IF treatments again. This feels so much more positive and likely to work.

We were assigned a social worker and I've been told that from here, it should take about 6 months before we get our final approval. We will take this time to regroup, save money, and prepare ourselves for the next phase of our lives.

We are excited. I am excited.

I feel like a newbie again. I've started reading adoption and foster parent blogs. I don't comment on any one's blog yet - still trying to learn the lingo and just excited to hear their stories (just like 2 years ago when I started IF treatments and blog reading). I go back and read their whole blog to see how they got to where they are now. It's like a whole new world.

I do have an appointment with the RE to discuss my failed Donor Egg cycle. I don't want to go but I feel I must find out if she felt that we had a crappy donor, crappy sperm, crappy uterus, or just crappy luck. At this point I don't feel that we will try DE again but you never know. Crappy luck could follow us to the adoption end of things and we may be lured back to IF.

I'm sorry I haven't been commenting lately. I've been reading blogs again - just haven't gotten back into commenting. I'll do better.

The Weird Thing is...

2008-11-10T07:43:00.000-08:00

It is much easier to tell people we are trying to adopt than it was to tell them we were going through fertility treatments. You'd think these two paths (adoption and treatments) were not both focused on the same thing: building family. But they are.

When we tell people we are trying to adopt, they are happy for us and it is very positive. When you tell people you are going through fertility treatments, they don't know what to say or they say the wrong thing. If it is not an awkward conversation, it is a depressing one.

Somehow, adoption is a universally positive thing (at least so far). People get really excited to talk about it and the conversation usually ends with me feeling more excited.

We have one more PRIDE class (that's the 9 week required class if you want to adopt through the county foster care system). I learned a lot when I was going through fertility treatments; this is the same way. I am learning about what a child adopted at an older age needs to develop into a healthy adult. I am learning about the foster system and the court system. I have to say, I find it interesting.

What is also interesting is that here we are, anticipating becoming parents, and we have no idea what number or type of children will be coming into our home. We are open to adopting siblings (3 at the most) though we would also take a baby. So when we talk about our future family, all options are on the table. Makes it a little hard to plan but it is also like anticipating a gift (or 3). Kind of exciting.

This is my update.

I am here

2008-10-16T15:45:00.001-07:00

I am still here. I guess I should say something. I haven't known what to say so I've been avoiding this blog and haven't been reading others either.

I feel so defeated.

For the moment, and maybe forever, we have given up on getting pregnant. I just don't think we have the emotional strength to put ourselves through that again. Coincidentally, we don't have the financial strength to do it again either.

We have decided to pursue adoption and have gotten involved in the county adoption system. It will take 3 - 6 months to finish all of our paper works, home studies, courses, etc, and then we will be eligible to take a child who has been taken away from his/her parents. There are siblings as well. This child may be an infant but will more likely be older.

It is very complicated. At times, I am seized with fear that we will get a child who is so wounded that all of our love won't be able to bring him or her to a healthy life. At other times, I am so excited about having children in the house, I don't care what age they are. I want to plan birthday parties, make Halloween costumes, read bedtime stories, and go to soccer games, etc.

DH and I get very excited talking about these potential children and how we will raise them and how the house will be with kids around. We are hopeful.

We have started taking the foster/adoption classes. It is interesting. There are a few folks like us there - who don't have kids and want them. There are others who have children and want more and there are a few who have adopted a slew of kids and want to adopt more. One woman has 8 kids and wants more! I have to say that there is a part of me that wants to yell - "hey, sit on your hands for a while and let the rest of us have a chance!" But that would be dumb because everyone there is adopting a child who has been taken from his or her lame ass parents and deserves to have a loving family.

It is an interesting shift to think about adopting an older child who is in the system (as they say). We will spend time trying to overcome what the child has been through and praying that the child comes to love us and we to love him or her. If I thought getting a donor egg was a leap of faith and a belief in nurture over nature, this is one up from that!

Anyway, safe to say that I have mixed feelings on this. I am glad for the classes as they seem to be very realistic about what to expect. The odds are will us that will end up with a child via this route. And I think that is the most important thing to us. To end up with a child.

Options we are considering

2008-09-09T07:19:00.000-07:00

1. Domestic adoption - infant or very young child

2. International adoption - but only from one country where we have a friend who will help us through the process

3. International donor egg IVF - has anyone done IVF in the Czech Republic?

We are going to pursue all three options with the hope of having a child in our arms in a year or so. All paths seem exhausting at the moment but I'm trying to keep focused on the end result. And I'm hopeful that my enthusiasm will return once one of the options shows promise.

So, that's it. I've checked out of blogland for a while. It was nice to take a break actually, as during the final weeks of the donor egg thing, I was fairly obsessive about reading blogs and the Internet.

I hope all are well. I'll get back to commenting soon.

We are still numb

2008-08-25T07:08:00.000-07:00

DH and I have agreed to talk (yell, cry) about all of our feelings (sadness, anger, frustration, hope, etc) over the three day weekend when we are on a trip. For the past few weeks, the feelings have bubbled up off and on but we are relatively quick to not go to that painful place of the first few days we got our BFN. The place of enormous body crushing disappointment.

But this weekend will be a feel-a-thon. We'll give ourselves the space, time, and support to say and feel the whole range of feelings. My therapist (who I just started seeing again - very timely) suggested that we try to get at all the feelings of TTC for the past 5 years. So we can then move on. It's been five years of disappointments - bit by bit but now we are in a big hole. We need to climb out.

We are paralyzed right now. We are stuck. So I'm actually looking forward to this weekend because I just want to get the anger out, the sadness out. Surely, it won't take the pain and sadness all away but I'm hoping it will serve as some sort of cleansing. Some sort of moving on so we are better able to decide what to do.

I'm going to burn that photo of the failed embryos. That sounds weird but I don't want to find that photo some day unexpectedly. I want to put it to rest. We don't need it taunting us. Reminding us. Neither of us has touched it since that day. It is just sitting on the counter and I think we didn't want to pick it up because then we would have to talk about it and do something with it. When I suggested we burn it this weekend, DH was on board.

I'm sorry I haven't been out there commenting very much. It is really hard to read about the BFPs and the struggles. I'm not quite in a supportive mood but I am truly happy for the BFPs. Everyone deserves it. We all deserve it.

On a positive note - the new dog does give us joy. She is perfect and better than I ever expected. She must have gotten lost from a home where she was well loved because she quickly transferred her flags to us and has become a great companion.

Just what the doctor ordered

2008-08-17T09:27:00.001-07:00

Sorry for the silence. I've got a post brewing but I'm taking a little break from actively dealing with IF stuff.

Other Very Important Non-IF News: We got a dog! This little dog is just what I needed. She's cuddly, loyal, and cute as the dickens. She was a rescue (I'm happy I was able to get a rescue)and she has quickly taken to us. We've only had her for two days and she has cheered me up considerably. She looks like a lab puppy but she's a 2 year old mix (cocker span.iel and chih.uahua).

Ramblings

2008-08-08T06:48:00.001-07:00

First, thank you all for your support. It means the world. I will be a better supporter of others because I know how much it helps. It really helps to read the comments and feel your empathy. THANK YOU.

I think the worst is over. I'll still cry at the drop of a hat but I'm starting to come out of the funk. I have not run out and bought a dog - maybe this weekend. I want to get the right one for us. Last night I laid on the sofa missing our dog and thinking about what comfort she would have been during this time. She was a snuggler.

I've told all those irl who knew (only 3 plus dh) and I'm thankful that I had only told 3. Those were hard phone calls.

Back to my situation. IT SUCKS. I guess it sucks the most because now we are at square one again and have to figure out where to put our (meager) emotional and financial resources. I wish I could fast forward to the happy place where I have a little toddler who is part of of my life. I can see the image - a mom going about her daily business, not worrying about how to procure a child from this earth. Just loving on the one (or two) she has. And just occasionally thinking back to the bad dream (nightmare) of infertility. But knowing that it was all worth so she could have this child who she loves so much. That keeps me going. Keeps my eyes on the prize.

We can't give up. I want to have children. I've already been childless - I know what that is like, thank you very much, and yes, it does have it's advantages, but I'm ready for something different. For the second half (or second 2/3s - can we be optimistic?), I'd like to try out parenting. So, we have to persevere and figure out how we are going to do this.

We'd been working on this egg donor project since February. That's when we made the decision and started the process. Now it is August. We lost 6 months on that. 6 months!! We could have been partly through the adoption process. We could have done 3 more IUIs (not that I wanted to but it would have been cheaper and probably the same outcome anyway). But the worst part is the 6 months of putting our hopes and dreams into that egg donor cycle. We would talk about it and make plans for it and work our lives around it. For example, we like to go down to Baja California (we live in San Diego) and where we go has a long dirt road. So, I'd say, well, if I'm 7 months pregnant with twins, we're not going there. And so we would plan our trips around this supposed pregnancy and then the arrival of the child. We've been wanting to buy a house and now is the time with the downturn in the market. We've gone back and forth over whether or not to buy a fixer upper. I'd say, if I'm pregnant or have a small child, I don't want a house in shambles - I'll need to nest. So we would plan around that concept of a pregnant Egged wanting her house in order for the arrival of her baby.

OK, we shouldn't have let ourselves put that much faith in the long awaited egg donor cycle but I submit to you that we, at the Egged household, don't have all that much else exciting to talk about. What can top the idea of starting a family? And going through a donor egg cycle with an 80% chance of success? We talked about this potential success way more than we did for any of the IUI cycles. Those had nary a chance.

I'm trying to figure out what hurts the most - not that it matters - it's all a loss. A loss of time, hope, money, potential, and for now, it's a loss of happiness.

I'm really sad.

And there is no easy way to solve this problem. Adoption - complicated and expensive. Egg donor cycle - risky and expensive. Every solution requires a grand gesture of effort, hope, and resources. There's no shortcut. You have to really want this. I feel like I have to prove that over and over.

This to the Universe: how much more proof do you need? We really want this. We are not just jerking around. We want children. We want a family. We'll keep trying on our end but PLEASE deliver on your end.

B Fricking N

2008-08-06T16:54:00.000-07:00

This did not go how we all hoped.

First of all, thank you everyone for your gentle yet hopeful support. Yesterday, I e-mailed the responses to DH and he called me at lunch and we read them together. They gave us a little hope which is actually what we needed to get out of a very deep funk. Even though we knew the chances were slim, it was nice to think it wasn't totally over. And it was great to know that you all had our backs. And I really mean it - you made a difference for us on what was a truly awful day.

Today, it is officially over.

I went in for the blood test holding back the tears. I didn't want to be there or talk to anyone - I was too vulnerable. After the blood test, I ran out to my car and cried.

I pulled myself together and went to the office. Actually, I am very busy lately so it is easier to be at work than to be by myself in the car or at home. They said they would call after 2 pm. I held it together until 2 pm and then I had to leave and take a late lunch. I went to the pound. Yes, that pound. I didn't tell you all that we had to put our poor dear loyal dog to sleep about a month ago. ( which was another truly awful day). I thought if I found a new dog today, that would be something hopeful. The pound was full of people waiting to see or adopt dogs and I knew there was no way I could arrange to adopt a dog during my lunch hour. Don't these people work? I thought I would have the run of the place. Anyway, I ran through the aisles looking at dogs but that got depressing, too, because I knew it would be unlikely to get one immediately.

So, I decided to go back to the office. On the freeway, of course, the phone finally rings. I pull over to take the call. It was the RE. She called me personally to tell me it was negative. I guess I appreciate that. I don't know. She said I could schedule an appointment to come in after next Tuesday to go over what happened. I don't know that I will - at $30,000, it's not likely that we will give this another go and I don't know what information we will get from that meeting. Thoughts?

After we hung up, I sobbed. I was still on the side of the freeway but I figured it was as private place a place as any. Everyone is flying by at 70 miles an hour - no one will notice poor little me crying my eyes out. Except for the motorcycle cop who pulls up to see what's going on. Jeez, can't a girl cry on the side of the freeway for more than 2 minutes anymore? So I told him I would move on.

I got off the freeway and called dh (leaving a teary message) and then my mom. God bless her. She didn't know what to say but she cried with me and that was all I needed from her. She, who had 8 children in 9 years, has no idea what this is like but she was there for me.

I thought about taking the afternoon off of work but frankly, there's plenty of time to cry at home and I can hold it together at work pretty well.

The only decision we have made is to not make any decisions about what to do next until after labor day. We have a fun escape planned for that weekend and I'm looking forward to it. After that, we can get down to business and figure out a new way to build our family. But for now, I get to cry all I want.

And maybe I'll go buy a dog. Do you think it is ok in this situation to not rescue a dog from the pound? It goes against my instincts but I've had enough hassle trying to get a loved one into my life lately.

Well, that was a bad idea

2008-08-05T07:25:00.000-07:00

I tested. It was negative.

All day yesterday, I was feeling AF type cramps though I wasn't nearly as tired as I had been on the weekend. When I came home, DH was still at work, so I read back to my last IUI in January to see what my symptoms were. And they were AF type cramps. So I got depressed thinking that all my symptoms were just side effects of the drugs. When DH came home, I was a morose mess with no hope.

He was confident that it had worked and I think he thought a BFP would cheer me up (to put it mildly). So, we decided to test this morning. I poased and he read it. I couldn't bring myself to look at it myself.

Negative.

I sobbed like a baby all morning. It was good to test at home rather than get the call at the office. No matter how much you tell yourself you are prepared for a bfn, it is still a gut wrenching experience. I'm still taking my drugs and I'll still go in for the beta tomorrow (just to be sure).

That was money we didn't have. I don't know what's next. I want to be a mom. He wants to be a dad. This is a pathetic situation.

Something is kicking my @ss.

2008-08-03T08:41:00.000-07:00

And it's either one or two little embryos or the progesterone. I am wiped out every evening. Yesterday, I was driving home from visiting my brother and I had to pull over and take a nap on the freeway. I was so tired and it was only about 5:15. For the last three nights, I've been exhausted by 4 or 5 pm. I just sleep on the couch until I wake up and then I go to bed and sleep the whole night. I am usually not a napper nor a sleep through the nighter.

I did research side effects of progesterone and drowsiness is one of the side effects. I wasn't this tired earlier (and I've been taking it for 13 days. Maybe it is building up in my system.

6dp5dt.

I know we could probably poas stick right now and get some sort of answer but we're going to wait until Wednesday. If it is negative, I don't want to think we tested too early and then test again tomorrow, etc. I've been through that and it is miserable. When I test, I want it to be definitive. At least as definitive as a pregnancy in this IF world can be.

4dp5dt

2008-08-01T06:25:00.000-07:00

Thanks for your comments on the no embryos to freeze situation. We have the best inside me so I'm hopeful. The doc did give us a 70% chance for success. Much better odds than we've had before.

I don't have any symptoms except for sore breasts. That could be from all of the progesterone I am taking (3 suppositories per day). Though the sore breasts did just start yesterday when I have been taking the progesterone for 11 days now.

I don't think I will test until the day of the blood test (Wednesday). With my IUIs, I always tested at home and always got negatives and then convinced myself it was too early, blah blah blah - you all know what the emotional roller coaster is like. I don't want to put myself through that this time. Of course I say that now so don't hold it against me if I change my mind. A girl has that right. I do have 3 hpts in the house.

Thanks for your kind thoughts and sticky wishes! It means a lot.

2008-07-29T17:43:00.000-07:00

Of the remaining 5 embryos, none made it to freeze.

Shit.

We are beyond bummed but trying not to dwell on it.

This cycle has to work as we can't afford to do it again. We hoped that with a donor, we would have some to freeze for future efforts, making it worth our $30,000 investment.

This cycle has to work. Please, work.

two embies on board

2008-07-28T17:10:00.000-07:00

It's done! It's finally happened and I have two embryos in me.

The transfer went well. The doc offered to transfer three instead of two since only one was a blast and there were two others that looked good but had not become blasts yet. We decided only to go with two. She said that there was a 1 percent chance of triplets which is low, but I don't want to risk it. The best one and the second best one went in and I think those are our best chances any way. They will watch the others (five others as one more fertilized) through tomorrow and freeze all that make it to blast.

I feel confident about my decision. The doc told me that with two, we have a 65 - 70 percent chance and if we add in the third, it goes up to a 75 percent chance. That was not a big enough increase to me to justify risking triplets. I'm operating on the fact that the donor eggs are good and likely to work. If it was my eggs, I'd be more open to putting in more.

The transfer was comfortable. I did not have to have full bladder. I have read about others having a full bladder during this procedure so I was expecting that but they didn't require it. I wonder why?

I'm on bedrest for 48 hours. I have my lap top, ipod, and 5 chick lit books (easy to read). I think I will be able to make it.

Thanks for your support. My blood test is on August 6 - a week from Wednesday. I know that seems like it is right around the corner but surely it will drag on and on and on...

Day Five Transfer on Monday

2008-07-26T09:58:00.000-07:00

We're all set for a day 5 transfer on Monday at 1 pm (CA time).

I'm really excited.

All six still going strong!

2008-07-25T17:37:00.000-07:00

I just got the call and all six embies are still going strong. They will call me tomorrow morning if they want me to come in tomorrow for a 3 day transfer but most likely it will be on Monday at 12:45. I am relieved that all still look good. This has been more hair raising than I expected.

Thanks for all the kind wishes and hopes for my embies. I'm starting to calm down.

2nd Report

2008-07-24T11:18:00.000-07:00

6 fertilized.

I'm really losing my cool here. Will some of them hang around for transfer? Will we have any to freeze?

At this point, I'm not worried about freezing but just want there to be some good ones for transfer.

Still nervous.

1st Report

2008-07-24T07:15:00.000-07:00

Boy, that was a long day waiting for the doc to call and let us know how it went.

10 eggs retrieved. 9 were mature.

Fertilization report will come sometime today.

Still don't know if it will be a 3 day or 5 day transfer.

Nervous.

Where did my calm go?

Calm before the storm

2008-07-22T12:02:00.000-07:00

I went in for one more lining scan today and it was over 10 which the doc said was good.

The egg retrieval is tomorrow.

Tonight, I am going to write a letter to the donor. We are also going to give her a gift card to a fancy restaurant in town. I don't know what else to give her. Maybe some flowers? What did anyone else do for their egg donor? I just want her to know that we really really appreciate her and what she has done for us cannot be compensated only by money.

The embryo transfer will either be Saturday (3 day) or Monday (5 day). I was mentally prepared for Monday so when she mentioned Saturday, I got nervous all of a sudden. I had worked out how I would spend the weekend, relaxing, a little socializing, and preparing for bed rest. Now, I maybe have to prepare for bed rest on Friday after work.

They'll call me after the egg retrieval tomorrow and give me an idea but we won't really know until they see how they fertilize and progress.

I really can't believe I am already here. It seemed like such a long wait and now tomorrow the embryos will be created (please, let them be created). That's amazing. I'm calm but excited. I'm really excited. This could work.

15 Follicles!

2008-07-21T14:18:00.000-07:00

I got the call from the RE and everything is going well. The donor was there this morning and she has 15 follicles!! The retrieval will be on Wednesday and DH will go in for his part on Wednesday morning.

This is VERY EXCITING. Though it feels weird to not be a part of it at this point. My body is not overloaded with follicles and I don't feel like I have golf balls in there, etc. I have been taking drugs but my body feels pretty mellow. As does my mind. It's a weird, removed feeling. Though I guess I am removed from the process at this point. I think I will go out to lunch with DH like we did after the IUIs. Celebrate the potential that our child(ren) was (were) created on that day. And I will feel a little more connected to the process.

I start the progesterone tomorrow.

WOW. ET in one week.

2008-07-19T20:55:00.000-07:00

I was out of town for a few days and wasn't able to update.

I took my last shot of lupron tonight. That was my last shot and it felt good.

I went in on Wednesday am for a scan of my lining. It looked great according to the PA. I don't have to go in again until the embryo transfer. That seems so crazy to me to not have to get scans and blood tests every other day. The transfer is not scheduled until a week from Monday and they don't need to see me until that day. Wow. I guess they know what they are doing.

The donor went in on Wednesday as well for her first u/s and blood test. She was supposed to go in again on Friday. I haven't heard anything since I was gone. I'll call Monday and find out how things are progressing for her. If we stay on schedule, the egg retrieval will be on Wednesday. That's is getting pretty darn close. This is really happening.

I'm still feeling calm - "let's see how this all unfolds" - which a little surprises me. When it is my follicles that are developing, I'm so anxious all the time. This time it is truly out of my hands (and my body). I'm sure I'll feel different once the embryos (please let there be embryos) are made and were waiting for the various reports.

I'm ever thankful for the donor. I know she is being compensated but it we had unlimited resources, we would compensate her even more. It's a huge things she is doing for us. Let's hope it works!

Hopes for the Egg Donor

2008-07-12T08:59:00.000-07:00

I can't help but think of the donor as she starts her stims today. I hope she is feeling confident in her decision to do this and not wondering why she ever agreed to such an idea.

I remember the first time I gave myself a shot in the belly. I was terrified and thought about it all day, worried if I would be able to go through with it. Of course I did and now I give my shots very causally without much thought.

But I did it for myself and my chance to have a baby. She is doing it for me (though she doesn't know me). I know she is getting some money. A lot of money to me but in the big picture, $5,000 is not that much compensation. Is the money for a down payment on a house, to pay off credit card bills, or to take a dream vacation? I know she is motivated by more than money but I do wonder what this bring to her life besides helping someone else to start a family.

I appreciate her more than she will ever know. When I was in college, many years ago, there was an article about egg donation. I read the article with interest and decided that the process was way more than I could handle. Of course, now I wish I had been the generous sort who did that (though maybe my eggs were crap back then, too) and I could have paid off those college loans a lot earlier. But at the time, it seemed way too invasive. So I appreciate the fact that someone would agree to donate after learning everything that is involved.

I hope she is calm and confident and not second guessing her decision. I hope the shots don't sting or cause a whelp. I hope her young child doesn't see the medications and thing that her mommy is sick. I hope she and her husband are in agreement with this endeavor and that is doesn't cause any tension in the household. I hope she is not doing it out of complete financial duress and is resentful.

I guess what I am getting at is that I hope these eggs are being created in positive circumstances for her and her family. I hope she considers this process a gift that she is giving willingly.

Please send good thoughts and vibes to my egg donor.

God bless her.

I had my first hot flash - not as fun as you might think

2008-07-10T06:51:00.000-07:00

I wasn't expecting hot flashes just yet but I read that one of the side effects of Lupron is hot flashes.

I was doing something at work and all of a sudden, my whole body was overheated and sweating. My legs were dripping with sweat. I asked the person working with me is she was hot and she said no, she was very comfortable. I then realized it was a hot flash. It lasted about 5 minutes.

Everything is going swimmingly here. I am still calm and waiting for it all to unfold. It is amazing that we have this chance.

Last night I talked with my brother who just had his 5th child. yes, five. And he is planning to get a vasectomy to make sure they don't accidently get another child. So not my problem. We've never used birth control in nearly 5 years (except when it was fertility related).

2008-07-08T07:11:00.001-07:00

The week of vacation was just what I needed. We went to a remote place with no phones, stores, restaurants, computers, etc. and just relaxed. We brought all of our food/drinking water and once we arrived, didn't use the car. It was wonderful! I read a bunch of books and took a lot of naps.

Before I left, I was really stressed about the upcoming donor cycle and now I am very calm and ready to go through with it and see what happens. I had an appointment with the RE yesterday to make sure my ovaries were properly suppressed from two weeks of Lupon and they were. They also took blood and threw in a pap smear for good measure. It's funny, I used to dread pap smears but now they are no big deal at all.

I start the estadial and a baby aspirin today. The donor will start her stims this Saturday and then we are off and running.

I'm thrilled that we are finally at this point. I'm calm. I'm hopeful. I'm grateful for the opportunity.

I'm ready.

2008-06-29T06:39:00.000-07:00

We're going out of town for a week to get some rest and relaxation. I am going chill out, read, sleep, and basically get ready for the excitement of the donor egg cycle.

The shots are going well. Lupron is easy and I haven't noticed any side effects. I feel a little bloated but that may be because I'm having my first period after 7 weeks on birth control. I'm glad to get off that.

Happy 4th of July everyone.

Didn't know how lucky I had it

2008-06-27T07:44:00.000-07:00

We have done 6 IUIs over the past 18 months. My insurance paid for everything except about $500 - that includes meds, co-pays, and all appointments. My insurance is not paying for this donor egg cycle. So, we have to pay for the medication for the donor. She is getting the same stuff I have used -dilute hcg, hcg trigger, gona.l f, and ganarelix. I got the call from the pharmacy yesterday and the total is $2,200.

Wow. That made me very appreciative of my insurance. We may have made different decisions along the way if we had to pay the full price for the meds . I guess the outcome wouldn't have been any different but it would have been harder to decide to do each IUI if the meds alone would have cost 2 grand. I know a lot of you have had to pay that cost on your own all along. That must have complicated each decision.

So, I'm sitting here feeling grateful.

Shots in the belly, my old friend

2008-06-24T07:24:00.000-07:00

Monday night I gave myself my first shot in the belly since January! I've been on the bench for a long time waiting for this donor egg thing to get rolling. I guess we could have fit in an IUI or two during that time.

Here's my protocol, for those interested:

2 weeks of 20 units of Lupron

Then I start estrace (tablet taken orally) twice daily + a baby aspirin and decrease lupron to 10 units a day. This will go for about two weeks

Just after the egg retrieval, I'll start taking progesterone and continue with estrace and baby aspirin

Just before the 5 day transfer, I'll add a 5 day antibiotic to the mix.

This is much easier than my injectible IUI protocol. They only have to prepare my lining and I do not have to generate loads of follicles. I'll have two ultrasound/bloodwork appointments to make sure everything is on schedule and then the transfer.

Again, WOO HOO!

The thing I didn't mention last week UPDATED

2008-06-23T07:09:00.000-07:00

I didn't mention this last week, nor did I tell dh, because I had this hope that by not mentioning it, it would go away. But today I will know the facts.

When I had my baseline ultrasound last week, the doc thought that I had a cyst on one of my ovaries. She was having trouble seeing it for some reason and keep jamming the probe every which way, which was a bit uncomfortable. I did see something that looked huge but even after 20 months of looking at ultrasound screens, I'm still not an expert.

I told her that I thought birth control pills prevented cysts from coming and she said, "sometimes". Not what I wanted to hear. Anyway, she couldn't get a good view on the ovary so she decided to let it go until today when I have the water test. So, of course, I've been worrying all weekend that they are going to find a $%#^@! cyst and it will delay my egg donor cycle.

I DON'T WANT THAT! I want to get going on this. I have all my drugs sitting on the counter waiting for me to start taking them tonight. I'm ready in every way. So, 4 hours until my appointment and I'm starting to lose it a bit.

Please, don't let there be a cyst........................... Wish me luck.

**UPDATE**

The appointment went great - no cysts on the ovaries and the sonohystogram showed a perfect uterus! I was so relieved!

I paid a whopping amount of money today and now everything is set. I start the lupron tonight and take it for the next two weeks. Estimated ER = July 23 (one month from today) and ET = July 28.

WOO HOO - we're on the way! The official start date of this donor egg cycle is TODAY!! Can you tell I'm excited?

Sneaky Hope

2008-06-18T07:04:00.000-07:00

Last night, I dreamt I was pregnant. And not newly pregnant but 7 months pregnant and I was very calm and collected about it.

First time I've had a pregnant dream in ages.

I'm trying to keep her a little at bay but hope is sneaking into my subconscious.

Now we are getting down to business

2008-06-17T13:20:00.000-07:00

Finally!

I went in for a baseline ultrasound - seems like forever since I've had one of those. I have to have another sonohystogram (saline water test). This will be my third one. I guess they don't like to put embryos in unless they know the uterus is up to snuff. I had the surgery to remove the fibroid tumor in November but I haven't had one since and who knows what could have popped up in that time.

I'll start lupro.n on Monday and then two weeks later, the donor starts her meds and then we are off to the races.

I am feeling so emotionally ready for this. In the beginning stages, I was worrying about the child's feeling about being an egg donor child and along with that, I was really worried about the money (it's a helluva lot of money) but now I am at peace with it all. I guess it was good that things took a little longer than we expected. It made me ready. In all ways.

So, assuming everything goes well, embryo transfer will be the last week of July.

The chances are better than anything else I've tried so I'm hopeful. DH is really hopeful (probably too hopeful but when I try to tell him that it still may not work, it doesn't seem to register). He is planning on this working. I wish I had that confidence but I'm too wary for that. The first IUI's BFN blindsided me. I won't let that happen to me again.

Anyway, that's negative talk. The time is now. Get ready for the ride!!

Revision Again

2008-06-11T06:47:00.000-07:00

Slight change in the plans. We will still get this done in July but more towards the end instead of mid-month. The latest estimated dates are that I will start Lupron on June 20. The donor will begin her stims on July 11 with retrieval around the 23 or 24 and the embryo transfer (please! let there be a transfer) 3 - 5 days after that. So looking at the two week wait completed in early August. I've given up on my 4th of July surprise but that's fine. I can enjoy the 4th without being in the agony of the 2WW.

Meanwhile, I'm determined to take this time to get in better shape. I pulled out my bicycle about 2 weeks ago to go buy some frozen yogurt and I was surprised how much I loved being on the bike. I have been using the elliptical machine at gym for the last few months and and my legs have gotten much stronger. Well, stronger legs make for an easier time riding a bike. There's a hill to our house that used to wipe me out and now I can go up it easily. So, with this newfound bike riding ability, I've been trying to ride my bike every day. I woke up early this morning and took a 30 minute ride around my town. It was great! Very few cars on the road and I really enjoyed it. So, my goal for the next 6 weeks is to keep riding my bike and see if I can drop 5 or 6 pounds. It's nice to be outside rather than in the gym, too.

All this waiting is trying my patience, though I know it does serve a purpose. I am getting more emotionally ready for this as each day passes. I am anxious for it to happen rather than resigned that this is what I have to do to get pregnant. DH and I have had a lot of time to talk about all the options. We certainly don't feel rushed. And we've been able to put this as our first priority over the summer, delaying making plans saying that this is the most important thing we are doing now; everything else can work around it. It feels nice to be single minded on this topic.

The money is a worry but I borrowed money for grad school and a car and those have been paid off. Why not borrow money for a chance at a baby?

Oh, and the best news? I don't have to do PIO! I am going to use the progestero.ne suppositories again. I don't love them but honestly, I was dreading those intramuscular shots. DH was claiming that he was ready to give them to me no problem but when I told him last night that he was off the hook, he shouted hallelujah!

It didn't help my confidence in this whole thing

2008-06-06T07:44:00.000-07:00

Last night, we had our consultation with the lawyer over the egg donor contract. We did it be phone and she went over all of the issues in the contract to be sure we understood everything. It's pretty cut and dry and we had read it beforehand so there were no surprises.

She did, however, mention several times that we are paying for an opportunity and not an outcome. Meaning that we are taking a lot of risk and if the egg donors eggs aren't good or don't fertilize or the embryos don't make it to freeze, etc, etc, it's not her fault. She is agreeing to go through the process on our behalf. She is not guaranteeing that we will have a successful outcome.

Of course I know all this. And this is where my biggest fear lies. That we will go through all of this, pay all this money, and be in the same spot we are now: childless. I don't want to have the make the decision again as to what to do. We have had to make so many fricken decisions during this whole process. I thought my big decision was to go to an RE in the first place. Little did I know what we would end up getting involved with. And to think, at my first meeting with the RE, I refused to even consider injectibles - opting for clomid even though he said at my age, clomid wasn't the best way to go. Injecting myself just seemed so extreme at the time. And now look where we are.

I guess with IF there is no way to get around the waiting. The 2 week wait is the worst. This waiting isn't so bad but I'm just ready to get on with it already. We made the decision to go with a donor egg in early Feb and it's looking like we won't be getting that actual egg (please!) until late July. I'm losing time here. Not much I can do about it so I'm trying to relax and focus on the end goal - a child - and how great that will be to have a child in our lives. I can't wait.

Where have I been?

2008-06-03T17:26:00.000-07:00

I hate to report that there is still NOTHING going on. I thought I would be on my way by now but I'm not. I'm still waiting to sign the official paperwork from the attorney, which will be this Thursday and I haven't heard much from the REs office. Only that most of the bloodwork on the eggdonor was done and they were waiting for one more result to come in. That was early last week.

So, I'm twiddling my thumbs wondering when this all will start. I know once it does, it will go quick so I'm prepared for that, too. We haven't planned anything for this month since we don't know when anything will happen. I know I'll have a day or two of bedrest in there somewhere. I'm just trying to chill and keep up on my exercise and healthy eating.

As soon as I get the word go, I'll let you all know... I'm hopeful it will be in the next week or so.

**UPDATE**

I just got a message from the donor coordinator. It looks like things are pushed back a month. We will get things started when the egg donor starts her cycle which should be around the 20th of June. She'll go on the pill for a couple of weeks and I'll start Lupron. Egg retrieval should be mid July with embryo transfer 3 - 5 days after that. I'm a little disappointed. The plan to have everything said and done by the 4th of July is out the window. It gives me more time to prepare but frankly, I'm ready already. Oh well, I'll take advantage of this extra month to get my body ready. And I'll enjoy my time not being stressed out by the mother of all two week waits. The $30,000 two week wait....

Still plodding a long; still on the pill

2008-05-17T10:04:00.001-07:00

Not much to report here. I'm still taking birth control pills and waiting for my next instructions. It's looking like nothing will happen until June. I thought I might start some shots next week but a phone message from the RE yesterday said that it would be the next week.

Here's what has happened:
- the egg donor has completed the blood tests and so far, everything has come back perfect. They are still waiting for the results of one more test (I can't remember what it is)
- the egg donor has had a psych evaluation which went well
- I've given $500 to an attorney who will make the legal contracts for us regarding the egg donation.
- the RE's office has called to give me the financial work up - what my exact costs will be. I haven't received it yet. They said they would e-mail it. I'm hoping that we can come in under $25,000 for everything. That would be nice.

I'm am feeling pretty calm about the whole thing right now. I guess because I am kind of in limbo. It seemed like everything was happening so fast and we had to scramble to get the money and now, we are just waiting again. Once June gets here, it will all happen quickly. And then my anxiety will rise, I'm sure.

My biggest worry is that it will not work. Smart or not, we have put all our eggs in this basket. It seemed like a great plan but I'm plagued with the what ifs. What is none of her eggs fertilize? What if none make it to transfer? What if there are none left to freeze? What if none implant?

What if I don't get pregnant AND there are no embryos on ice? That's my worst fear. DH is very confident about all this but he doesn't read blogs so he doesn't get that everything doesn't always work as planned.

Well, now I've stressed myself out. I can't control any of that so I've got to have faith that it will work. And if it doesn't, we'll regroup and make a plan F or G (I don't know what plan we are on now, but it's well past plan B).

I hope all are well. Enjoy the long weekend!

Things are getting started

2008-05-11T13:28:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been out of touch. I was away on a business trip and didn't have much going on fertility wise.

Thank you for all of the comments on my bio-mom/egg donor question. I think I will use the term egg donor - that's what she is. She has no intention of having anything to do with a child we may conceive with her egg. The child will be nourished and developed in my womb. She is generously donating her egg to us and for that, we are forever grateful. Too bad my eggs are crap - I wish I could return the favor to someone. I'll find some way to pay it forward.

I think the longer I sit with this donor egg idea, the more I am comfortable with it. I told my mother and she was really excited for us. I wasn't sure how she would handle it but she was immediately supportive. She thought we had given up on having a child since I hadn't said anything about it since our last failed IUI in January. It was nice to have her support. I have now told 4 people about it irl and everyone has been supportive. I appreciate their support.

On the fertility front, our $5,000 down payment has been paid. Ouch. That certainly made it seem real. We have the number of the attorney we have to see to sign a bunch of paperwork regarding the donated eggs. And I have started birth control pills. The egg donor has gone in for her initial blood work and we should get things rolling in early June. I will start taking lupron (injection) by the end of May.

This is really happening.

I've been weaning myself off of caffeine. I shouldn't have let myself get back on it but I thought it may be a few more months before all this went down. I'll be off it by the end of the week. I'm someone who gets headaches when I withdraw from caffeine - I have to wean myself from the cup of half decaf in the morning and a diet soda in the afternoon.

I should have my first beta by the 4th of July. Would be nice if there were two reasons to celebrate...

Bio Mom or Egg Donor

2008-04-25T06:34:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my close friend this week and this egg donor situation and what it was like to choose a donor and she got a little testy with me. She kept pressing me about the fact that it wasn't important who the donor was and that it was only important how we raised our child. That education didn't matter. I tried to explain that I know that but since I have to chose some one, why not chose some one who has a college degree (like I do). She was really rankled by the whole discussion and it was a bit disconcerting to me.

Then yesterday she called me and told me that she had been thinking about our talk and trying to figure out what was going on for her and she decided that she didn't like it that I referred to the egg donor as the "bio mom". She's a mother of three herself and one of hers is adopted. She felt strongly that the egg donor is not a "mom" in any sense - that I will carry the child and give birth to the child so it is very different from a birth mother.

She compared it to a sperm donor and asked if people refer to the sperm donor as the "bio dad". I guess they don't.

I guess I'm confused as to what role, symbolic or otherwise, the egg donor will play in the child's life (assuming a child comes from this). Will the child think of that person and wonder what she is like or will the child think not too much about her at all?

I am aware that as people become young adults, identity becomes a major focus in their lives. I worry most of all about that time period for a child.

How different is a egg donor from a birth mother? Do people call surrogates birth mothers? Any thoughts?

Holy Crap - we have a donor!

2008-04-23T21:55:00.000-07:00

The donor said yes! I can't believe it. We've been waiting so long on the other donor that I expected to wait at least a week to hear. Just this morning I e-mailed the donor coordinator and asked her to ask the donor.

Wow! I totally didn't expect this.

They can get things started this Friday if I can bring in $5,000 tomorrow. I am not sure I am ready to start everything so soon. I may ask for another week so I can get mentally prepared. I've been thinking that all this would happen in the summer - maybe even August or September.

I have to stop drinking caffeine.

Is this really happening?

What is Important?

2008-04-23T06:47:00.000-07:00

Choosing a donor is not easy. At times I just want anyone who is ready and other times I feel very picky.

Since we've given up hope on our #1 donor (she doesn't know when she would like to donate again, which is fine, but we want to get going on this), I went back to the RE yesterday and looked at the big book of donors. It's very confusing.

Do I pick someone that looks somewhat like me - same eyes, hair, height, weight, etc? Or someone who has the same education? Or similar interests? I was an athlete when I was younger and I find myself drawn to those who played sports in high school or college. I'm also drawn to those who are musical. I'm not musical but both my parents are.

What I want most is that my child can be proud of her bio mom. That I could say, we picked your bio mom because she was smart, athletic, and looked somewhat like me. I want our child to feel good about their bio mom.

I don't know if this is going to sound weird or not, but here it goes. Many of the donors listed their ethnicity as white or Caucasian. The form has an area for them to list the ethnicity of their parents and grandparents as well. Many of the donors listed "white" for all of their grandparents, too. I don't know if that was just laziness or not knowing. My initial reaction was to rule those donors out because I want my child to know his/her ethnic background. I don't want there to be a void for half of her heritage. I'm white but I also happen to know that my ancestors are Irish and German. I have no contact with Ireland or Germany but it does form part of my identity.

And it does come up occasionally - in childhood and adulthood - that you are asked your ethnicity. I want my child to be able to say, " I am part x, part y, and part z" not, "I'm half x but I don't know the other half".

Is this nothing to worry about? Am I worry about something that isn't important?

So, why do I bring this up now? Well, as mentioned, we're not counting on the original donor we chose though she was listed as Irish and German and Swedish and had a lot of characteristics that I like. So, I went through the book and selected a couple of other good options. The one I like the best for her features, her education, etc., listed all her parents/grandparents as "white".

I have asked the donor coordinator to ask the donor if she has more details on her ethnicity. I don't care what it is, I just want to know so when it is time, I can tell the child (that will hopefully come from this).

Other than that, she looks like a great fit for us. She played college basketball, I played college water polo. She is a teacher. I'm a social worker. She is almost exactly the same height,weight, eye color, etc. She doesn't look like me but close enough.

Still on the topic of choosing a donor, what am I supposed to think about eye color? I have light eyes as do both my parents, all my siblings, and all my grandparents. DH has hazel eyes and his sibs have blue eyes. OK, so, would it be weird to have a brown eyed child? Meaning, would people say, oh, where did she/he get those brown eyes? Would it automatically draw attention or would nobody ever notice in a million years? The next two candidates on our list both have brown eyes.

See? I don't know what to worry about. I only want our child to have a good sense of who he/she is and I guess I have the need for the child to chose when to tell people she is an egg donor baby.

Anyway, I think we have chosen a new donor - only need to hear if she will accept and when will she be willing to do it.

Not your ordinary 2WW (2MW?)

2008-04-16T17:37:00.000-07:00

I finally talked to the Egg Donor Coordinator at my REs office. These past weeks of waiting have really tried my patience. And DH was losing it, too. We struggled with this decision, agreed to spend $30,000 on the process, chose a donor, and since then, we have been on hold. We've been waiting to find out if the donor will agree to do it.

We really want this donor and I see that that was our big mistake - we literally put all our eggs in one basket. If we had chosen 2 or 3, they could have asked all of them and the one who was ready soonest would be our gal. But no, we had to pick the one that was just about to cycle for someone else and thus they wouldn't ask her to do it again until she finished this cycle.

Well, she had the egg retrieval on Saturday. (Somehow I thought she had it last week so that explains why I was eager for them to call and tell me what was up.) The good news? She donated 20 eggs!! Wow! I was medicated to the gills and could only come up with sorta 8 (since most were crap probably anyway).

They asked her if she would be willing to cycle again and she said YES. Yes, that's good news. But, she didn't know when she would want to do it again. That's the bad news. I don't blame her. If I just came up with 20 eggs for someone else and had to leave my two kids at home for a week (since she is out of the area), I might like to think about that, too.

I, however, am feeling a big in a rush. I am ready to give this a try. Our last IUI was in January. That's seems like forever ago. We could have done another cycle during this time. Not that I want to - I'm just starting to feel like my body is getting back to its old (well not that old) self again.

So, I told the Egg Donor Coordinator that we would be willing to wait for her until July or August but if she didn't think she could do it by then, we'd come in and pick someone else (or a couple of someone elses).

So, that's where things are. If she says she will do it in August, I will be happy to wait until August. If she says she won't do it, then I'll be happy to move on. I guess, like most things, I just want to know.

Once again with the waiting...

2008-04-12T12:07:00.000-07:00

I still haven't heard anything from the RE about the egg donor. I don't think this is a good sign. Either they haven't asked her yet or she is taking time to think about it. I left a message yesterday and I hope they will call me on Monday to at least let me know what is going on. We are ready to move forward.

If you are in the mood for a good cry, check out the International Infertility Film Festival http://infertilityfilmfestival.blogspot.com/ I didn't know I was in the mood for a good but I followed some links and watched some videos that broke my heart.

I also saw this one which was interesting: DIyoutube Film by a father of children conceived with donor sperm. He brings up some interesting points about the impact on the child's sense of identity as he/she matures.

This is something I have worried about for our child(ren)(assuming this works and we have them). What will it be like to have a blank for one half of their lineage. I don't know how important that is. When I think of myself, I can see that I am part of my father's side and part of my mother's side. I clearly identify with both and have characteristics in common with my cousins on those sides. I don't know what it would be like to not be related to one side of the family. And my side of the family is much bigger than my husbands. I have a lot of siblings, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, etc, and most of them live in the same state. Our child(ren) will spend a lot more time with their cousins on my side of the family and I wonder what it will be like for them to not be biologically related to the side of the family they have the greatest identity with. My husband's siblings live out of state and their children are much older than ours will be.

I feel strongly that we will tell our child the truth as his/her age permits. I don't want it to be a shameful secret. I want them to have a healthy sense of who they are.

Anyway, lots to think about. And I don't even know if the egg donor will actually do it yet and if she won't, we are back to square one picking out a new donor and waiting to hear if she will accept. I thought the hard part was making the decision to go with an egg donor. Now it is all about waiting. I guess I am used to that...

Finally, some news (sort of)

2008-04-05T06:16:00.000-07:00

I've been patiently waiting to hear about the egg donor and whether or not she will agree to do a cycle with us in the near future. The longer I wait, the more I've been losing momentum on the whole idea. It's hard to believe that this will actually happen and even harder to believe that I will get pregnant from it.

But back to the egg donor. We've been waiting for the RE to ask her. She is doing a cycle for someone right now and they didn't want to ask her about the next cycle until she had gone through ER. She is going through ER this weekend. They will call me next week and tell me her answer. Now I am getting excited again.

Unless she says no. If she says no, I think we will throw out our list of what we want from an egg donor and just pick some one who is available right away. I don't want to wait too long to get this going. While I was away from blogland, I turned 42. Boo. If possible, it would be nice to have a baby before I turn 43. Fat chance, I'm sure, but 42 seems so much younger than 43 (early 40s rather than mid 40s).

So cross your fingers that she says yes and that we can get this show on the road!

Not too much going on

2008-03-25T07:03:00.001-07:00

We are waiting for the RE to ask the egg donor we selected if she is available for us. The egg donor is doing a cycle right now for someone else. We don't know if she will want to do it again so soon. She has two small children and she lives out of town so it is a bit of a hassle for her. We are really hoping that she wants to do it again.

I expect to hear something this week. I am really trying to be patient. If the donor agrees, we'll cycle in late May or late June. Not too far away, really.

I have told another close friend about our egg donor decision. She was really supportive. I just can't bring myself to tell my mom. I'm not 100% sure of her reaction so I've been delaying. We saw her at Easter but there were a bunch of people so we didn't have a chance anyway. I'd like to tell her in person rather than over the phone. I guess it can wait since we don't even have the donor confirmed yet.

That's the update. Nothing too exciting at this point.

Here's where we are

2008-03-08T13:04:00.000-08:00

After a long talk last weekend, dh and I decided that it would be ok for me to tell a few close friends about our plan to use donor eggs. I was finding myself paralyzed and not able to move forward to the next step. I have two very close friends who have been super supportive during my IF journey, as well as all areas of my life. I was having a hard time not sharing with them both because I need their input and support and because it felt horrible to not share this extremely important issue in my life.

So, on Monday morning I called one of my friends and told her everything. She was not surprised and thought this was the direction we were going but she was respecting my privacy. She asuaged my fears about the donor egg child not being part of me, etc. She was great. I felt so much better after talking to her. I think dh and I are just too close to all this sometimes. We worry about the money, the donor, the logistics, etc and all my friend was thinking about was how much we want a child and this is one way to make that happen.

Her support seemed to be what I needed. I called the doctor that afternoon and made an appointment to go in the next day to take another look a the donor book. The same smiley girl jumped out as the number 1 best choice for us. I told the donor coordinator and she said that this donor is cycling this month for another couple but could be available in May/June for me. She will have to ask her if she wants to do it again so soon. May/June is perfect for me. That gives me a few months to continue getting in shape, getting the money organized, and just mentally preparing.

The next day, an old fried who has one child from a donor egg called to talk about something else entirely. I had been thinking of her and planning to call her so this was perfect timing. I told her what was going on and she was super supportive and totally understanding since she went through the same thing about 6 years ago. She understood how weird/stressful it was to pick a donor and the emotions about not having a genetic baby, etc. It was perfect for her to call at that time. I hadn't talked to her in about 6 months. She has one donor egg child and one child with her eggs. She says there is no difference in how she feels about them. She loves them both with all her heart. I know I will love my child with all my heart but it was nice to talk with someone who has been through it.

Needless to say, I am feeling a lot better about this decision and our plans to move forward. I have been in such a good mood lately. I am only now realizing how stressful and depressing the past year has been. The ups, downs and more downs, the drugs, the dashed hopes, etc, have really taken a toll on me. On Thursday, my boss asked me what kind of good news did I get that put me in such a good mood. DH has noticed as well. I am happier now that we are moving forward on this plan that has a good chance for success.

I am happy. I haven't been able to say that for a while. So God bless egg donors and the technology that allows for egg donation. I know this all just hope. And hope has not been very good to me lately. But I'm going to let it ride.

What's Going on in the Egged household? Angst

2008-02-29T08:16:00.000-08:00

It's a difficult place. The decision has been made by the brain but the heart is taking time to fall in to step. I know that donor egg is the best way to go, the most reasonable, the most likely to succeed, a way to start our family (which is our goal),etc. But I am delaying taking the next step. I need to call the doctor and set things up. We've picked our donor. We have a plan for the $30,000 or so it will cost (holy crap that's a lot of money). The doctor is just waiting for us to say go.

What is going on? I'm on pause. I'm just sitting with the emotions. One thing that is making this extra difficult for me is that we decided not to tell anyone our plan just yet. Once the word is out that we are using a donor egg, there is no getting it back. A secret is not a secret after you tell someone. We may well tell folks but for now, we're not sure how we will do it and we want to be in control of the information. Don't worry, we will tell the child. It's just a matter of whether or not to tell my family.

So, to honor our agreement to not tell anyone just yet, I have not told my two closest friends nor my mom. And these three people have been very supportive of me during all of this fertility stuff. And I am finding it very hard not to tell them about the donor egg plan. I think I need their emotional support during this time. I am sure they will be supportive (well, I'm not 100% sure of my mom). So I feel like I am hiding something from there AND it would be nice to share about this with someone other than DH and the blog world. I think that would help me move forward.

I think I'm going to talk to DH about telling my two best friends. I know there is a chance that they will blab it to others. Even if they promise not to. Argh.

Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I haven't disappeared from blog land. I'm just hit the pause button for a while.

Talk about roller coaster

2008-02-12T16:36:00.000-08:00

This whole egg donor thing is it's own personal rollercoaster. With the elation of "yeah! I found a solution to my problem", there is the "holy crap, the child won't be biologically related to me" and all the emotions that come with that.

It's weird. I have always considered adoption an option for us and indeed, we will go that way if the egg donor plan doesn't work. When you adopt, you don't try to pick your replacement. You don't ask the eye color and smile size of the birth mom. Hell, many people adopt children of different races. So why do I feel compelled to find my "replacement". My match in education, coloring, height, disposition, etc. I guess because most people will assume that the child is from my egg - why would they guess otherwise?

Sometimes I think we should try one more time with my eggs - but we tried "one more time" last time and I didn't come up with enough follicles to do IVF. So what would be different - and why spend that extra $10,000 just to fail again? And then yesterday I was talking to my friend and she said she began peri-menopause at age 43. I am soon to be age 42. So that makes me want to just get on with getting pregnant and don't delay with all these other options. We have a decent option with a donor who seems like a good match - I just need to set it up already.

I haven't been waivering but I have been thinking and thinking about what it means to potentially give birth to a child who is not biologically related to me. This is a situation I never thought I would have to comtemplate.

It's stressful. We have a friend in town all this week and weekend so we are not going to do anything until she leaves. So this is the contemplation week. The idea of the big smile donor is really growing on both of us and probably we will initiate the process next week. I've looked into some financing and we can afford it - it's like buying a new car (which we did last summer).

Anyway, I guess I am surprised at the amount of deliberation I am doing on the topic of a donor egg. I thought it would be a lot smoother for me emotionally, especially since it's been on the table for a few months now.

I hope all are ok. Take care,

Egged

I've been tagged

2008-02-10T20:58:00.000-08:00

And this is a nice diversion from all of my fretting and worrying about this whole donor egg situation. It's not as easy as I thought it would be. I'm guessing it is easier to choose donor sperm (though I may be wrong - correct me if I am) as it is already there and you don't have to worry about whether or not you will get the amount of sperm you want or need or feel you are paying for. OK, I'll save this for another day.

In the meanwhile,

Here are the rules:
1) Link to the person who tagged you
2) Post the rules
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself
4) Tag at least three people
5) Make sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did

I was tagged by Carrie http://infertilityirony.blogspot.com/ who just had some great news!! Yeah!

1. I hate having wet hair on my neck. I was a competitive swimmer through my childhood and even swam two workouts a day during high school and I still can't stand a wet neck. Today, I use one of those hair wrap thingies after I shower or swim - even at the gym.

2. I have 7 brothers and no sisters. And no, it was not all that fun. I always wanted a sister. And now I feel guilty that I want to have a daughter. I will love a son, I know, but I just feel that I should get to have a girl in my life and not always be surrounded by men. I know - I don't "get" to have a son or a daughter and I'll be damn happy with whomever shows up.

3. We have a pet rabbit who roams free. She goes in and out the doggie door, hangs out in the fire place (when there's no fire), and goes to bed when we do sleeping either under my night stand or in the corner where she keeps an eye on us. Yes, she's potty trained.

4. I am just getting back into sewing. As a kid, I sewed a lot of my clothes but I didn't sew for years. Today I made a whole bunch of new covers for our throw pillows in our living room. Very satisfying.

5. For years and years, I kept a diary but never really wrote the whole truth because I always feared someone would read it and I didn't want them to think badly of me. I like the anonymity of this blog though I do censor sometimes though no one I know reads it, not even DH, though he is welcome to. (He may read it without telling me but I doubt it. Hey, DH, if you are reading this, let me know.)

6. I eat peanut butter on wheat bread every day for lunch. No jam, no jelly. Just peanut butter. I have eaten this for years. I love it as it is easy to make, easy to carry ( I can throw it in my purse), easy to eat, and I think it tastes great. It makes all of my colleagues crazy. They can't believe I eat the same thing everyday. Good thing they don't see what I eat for breakfast!

Whew, that was harder than I thought.

I tag
Meghan: http://alittlesweetness.blogspot.com/
Claire: http://superovum.blogspot.com/

I know I am supposed to tag 3 but it seems most have already been tagged.

Have a great week everyone.

-Egged

That was overwhelming

2008-02-08T15:38:00.000-08:00

I thought that the decision to use an egg donor was the hard part. Boy, did I have that wrong.

DH and I met with the doctor today to officially declare our interest in using an egg donor. She was pleased with the decision - I guess because she wants us to be successful. She outlayed the logistics of the whole thing and answered our questions and then gave us The Book. The Book with the potential donors.

Talk about overwhelming. First, there were about 30 to choose from. About half we immediately ruled out because they were of a different race. I want the baby to at least have a chance of being taken as my own bio child. Then we scoured the remaining 15. Some were very short (I am 5'6" - not super tall but it would be nice to have someone within a few inches). Some had some things on their little bio that for whatever reason didn't appeal to us - like one had a boob job. I don't really care if she had one but I am a really down to earth person who rarely wears make-up so we both ruled her out.

Then we narrowed it down to about 5. All were in the same ball park of height, weight, race, coloring, etc. So we had to dig a little deeper. Some had college degrees, others didn't. I don't think that a college degree necessarily indicates intelligence but I have a master's degree and from the information we had, a college degree (or in the process of getting one) is the only way to gauge intelligence. Believe me, I know plenty of college grads that aren't all that smart... But we decided to throw that in the mix of our criteria for making a decision.

Oh, I forgot to mention that there was pictures! I didn't expect that at all. And frankly, the photos complicated the decision. For example, there was one who just looked like a nice person. DH was drawn to her immediately. She looked nice and friendly, she was about the same height and coloring, but she doesn't have any college education and she won't be available until July or August (2 others have already "reservered" her. I didn't expect that kind of complication).

Then there was one who had a big smile. I have a big smile. It's a family trait. I immediately thought that if our child had that smile, everyone would immediately say she looks like me or like my family. This donor has a college degree and she is a little taller than me. Her ethnic background matches mine: Irish/German. What's the hold up, you may be wondering? She is from out of state. If we chose her, it would cost an additional $4,500.

All and all, we are looking at roughly $30,000 for this opportunity. What we want out of it is at least one pregnancy and a few embryos on ice so if it all works, we can have a sibling from the same donor. They will tell us if the donors have done it before and what their results were. I am not willing to go with a first time person. It is too expensive to risk only getting a few eggs. There was one donor that looked like a good fit but she wrote that her cycles only last 21 days. That raised a red flag to me as it seems a bit short and I'm not convinced she would do well. The cycle length may not matter at all but I ruled her out just for that. Was that a bad idea?

We spent about 2 hours at the doctor's and then decided we were overwhelmed and had to leave. I don't know why I thought it would be easy. We made a list of our top picks and left. We will sleep on it for a few days or a few weeks or a few months - however long it takes - and then decide later.

Once we decide, assuming the donor is ready to start, we can start within 6 weeks! Wow! That's fast. DH and I talked more at lunch and decided that no matter how overwhelming and stressful this is, it will be worth it when (not if) we start our family.

I did also tell DH that we should try on our own this month because who knows, we just may get lucky and spare ourselves all of this trouble ... Wishful thinking, huh?

At Times I Waiver

2008-02-07T09:37:00.000-08:00

At times I waiver on this egg donor decision but then something happens and my resolve returns.

Yesterday, a friend announced her second pregnancy. Yes, I'm happy for her. But yes, I'm pissed that I'm not that person. My other very close friend got married about 6 months before me, she is a year or so younger than me, and she already has two children - and the youngest is 1 years old!

I want to have children. That's the issue. I don't want to futz around anymore with trying to get some follicles, hoping my eggs are good, etc. I don't care about that anymore. I just want to get on with it. I'm ready to have a child in my life. I'm over ready, actually. So, a donor egg seems to be a great way to make this happen.

So, I'm going in to my meeting with the doctor tomorrow very resolved. Though I still want to take a month or two off...

It's Official

2008-02-04T16:14:00.000-08:00

It's negative and we have an appointment with the doctor on Friday to discuss the whole egg donor thing and even look at their books of donors from which to choose.

I am on one side really excited that we might do something that has a chance of actually working and on the other side a little bit paralyzed with the realization that if we have a baby, it will not be genetically linked to me and all of my past ancestors. I know it doesn't really really matter. I mean, if someone dropped a baby on my doorstep tonight, I would claim it as my own and raise it up without a thought. I would love that child. I know intellectually I would love a donor egg child, too, but there's that part of me that is sad about it. And I don't know if that will go away. I suppose it will. I am just having to grieve this a bit.

DH wants to start the DE cycle asap but I think I'd like to wait a few months and let myself mentally and emotionally prepare without the hassle of doctor appointments, etc. The doc says it usually takes 2 or 3 months to get everything organized.

Anyway, I do feel good about having some options and moving on from the roller coaster. Or, as I told my doctor, it wasn't much of a roller coaster since it only went downhill...

Six reasons why I think it's headed for a BFN

2008-02-03T22:35:00.000-08:00

10dpo am - BFN
11dpo am - BFN
11dpo pm - BFN
12dpo am - BFN
12dpo pm - BFN
13dpo am - BFN

I didn't bother to test 13dpo pm. I can spot a trend when there is one.

I'm starting to regret that I bought those internet pee sticks. I normally buy then at RiteAid and they cost about $10 for 2. So, as a frugal person, I am very sparse with my pee stick use - waiting until 13 and 14 dpo only. With a stash of pee sticks, it's very hard to resist poas.

My blood test is tomorrow, which I will still do. Mainly so I can check in with the doctor and see about setting up an appointment to discuss a donor egg IVF cycle.

It's been a depressing weekend. We spent the night in a nice hotel and all I could think about was how much more fun it would have been it I had gotten a BFP. I was pretty sulky and not much fun. The superbowl was fun to watch, though.

Stay tuned for the donor egg drama.

Reasons

2008-01-31T07:26:00.001-08:00

Why I think I'm headed toward a BFP

1. On and off cramping since 7dpo
2. Yesterday, 9dpo, I saw blue veins in both breasts when I was trying on something at a store (bright lights and a mirror). I can't see them in my dim bathroom.
3. Today, 10dpo, I have some light spotting. The previous 3 times I used the progestero.ne suppositories, I didn't have any spotting until well after I stopped using them

Reasons Why I think I'm headed toward a BPN?

1. My breasts aren't tender or sore at all. They hurt more before ovulation.
2. I took a hpt this morning (10dpo) and it was negative. (I wasn't going to test until the weekend but I read some other blogs that show BFPs on 9 and 10 dpo so in a weak moment, I gave in. I'll try again tomorrow.

This 2ww is getting to be long in the tooth.

Down to a 1 Week Wait

2008-01-28T21:08:00.000-08:00

Actually, it will be less than a 1ww because I will poas this weekend. Maybe Saturday but for sure Sunday. I only have two hpts and I don't want to buy more so I'll wait as long as I can. Beta is Monday (a week from today).

I've been feeling a little cramping here and there and I'm trying really hard to ignore it. I can't remember if I've felt that before in other cycles but in every cycle, I seem to feel all sorts of things that in the end still equal a bfn. I am not getting my hopes up. I am just passing the time.

I met a woman today who has 3 year old twins. She used clom.id and was on her 3rd IUI. Or she thinks. Something like that. And I was amazed that she didn't remember every detail about her IF situation. Hard to imagine, but I think that is a good sign. Like, if I get to the place where I have 3 year old twins, I don't know if I need to keep all this IF stuff active, remembering that on IUI #5 I had 8 follicles and stimmed for 9 days but for IUI #6 I had 7 follies and stimmed for 14 days. Maybe all this goes way back to the deep regions of the brain kind of like the high school test you sweated over and now can't even remember what subject it was in or what grade you got on it.

On a different note, I am really grateful for my ipod. I load up the npr news and the NYTimes daily digest (where someone reads the news in a monotone voice) each day and then when I wake in the middle of the night and can't sleep, I put on my headphones and listen to the news for a little while. It puts me right back to sleep. Better than a lullaby.

Progersteron.e Dreams

2008-01-26T08:49:00.000-08:00

First, yes, still in the 2 week wait. Not even half way through yet but I won't dwell on that. My beta test is a week from Monday (day after the Superb.owl).

Second, I've started having what I call progesteron.e dreams. They are so vivid. Last night I dreamed that while at the RE's office, (and for some reason I was sitting around their board room with all of the staff for some kind of meeting), I found that the mother of a childhood neighbor was pregnant and very soon to deliver. I was shocked. This woman is well over 70! Mrs. Tait pregnant now- what was she thinking? She already has grandchildren.

But then I thought, if this outfit can get her pregnant in her 70's, then they can surely get me pregnant at the tender age of 41. So, the overriding emotion (which I always pay attention to in dreams) was slightly hopeful and not just jealousy (though that was in there, too).

I look forward to more dreams. As long as they aren't the ones that make me cry in my sleep.

2ww blah blah blah

2008-01-22T18:14:00.000-08:00

I'm in the 2ww and I just read back through my previous 2ww posts and I realize that there is nothing new I could possibly say. So, I will either recycle those posts or write about things totally unrelated to the 2ww (but perhaps still related to fertility). I just don't want to bore you or me with the same old posts.

This the 6th 2ww after an IUI. I don't have the energy for the emotional roller coaster that the 2ww brings out in me.

Maybe this is the time to take up knitting?

The Deed is Done: 2WW Officially Underway

2008-01-21T13:59:00.000-08:00

IUI #6 just happened. 45 million sperm are now searching frantically for those four eggs who had better release themselves and they should not be coy.

The IUI was uneventful - it is getting to be old hat. I don't really have high hopes but I would like to be pleasantly surprised.

Whew my breasts hurt

2008-01-20T09:49:00.000-08:00

Usually my breasts get tender once I start using progesteron.e in the 2WW. This is the first time they have been tender before I even had the IUI. For the past few days, they have felt heavy and very tender. Has anyone else has this before?

On another note, I took the trigger shot last night at 11 pm. I did a ganareli.x shot at 5 pm as well. I am glad to have taken the last shot for this cycle. 15 days of shots is just too much. The first few days, I could just jab those needles in my gut but as the days went on, I started to hesitate and dwell on each shot. I messed up one of my gona.l f shots and I have a big purple bruise right next to my belly button. I finally started putting them in my thigh. In some ways it is easier but it seems like the skin is thicker on the thigh. In the last few days, I iced the spot first so it was easier (mentally) to jab the needles in.

Anyway, I'm glad that's over. I am also glad that my doctor doesn't have me use PIO - I use the progesteron.e suppositories. I don't like them and I feel awful using them but at least it isn't a shot.

Tomorrow is the IUI. We are rested and prepared. Today we are going to watch the Chargers football game. I am not a fan but it is hard not to get caught up in the game. Even the staff at the RE's office were all wearing Charger shirts on Friday. I made the doctor swear to me that the reason my IUI was delayed until Monday was NOT the fact that there is a Charger game today at noon. She said absolutely not but that they were starting all of the procedures today at 7am so everyone could be out in time to watch the game.

Monday it is!

2008-01-18T10:57:00.001-08:00

The IUI is scheduled for Monday morning. I was hoping for Sunday so I could have an extra day of rest on the Monday holiday. But I am really glad that it is happening on a day off of work. The past few IUIs, I have gone back to work afterwards and I think it will be nice to just go home and relax.

This also means I have to take the shots again tonight. Ugh. I was really hoping to be done with those suckers. By tomorrow, I will have taken 450 of gona.l f for 14 days. That's a lot of drug! When my gut sees those needles coming, it cringes.

This cycle is so much longer than my past ones. I hope that means the eggs are of a higher quality. This is likely my last effort with my own eggs.

Have a great weekend everyone!

It's Cut and Dry Now

2008-01-16T09:30:00.000-08:00

At least I don't have to make the decision. The decision was made: the doc said that IVF would offer no better chance than IUI at this point and unless I have unlimited resources (which I don't) and want to know more about my eggs (like are they all crap), she would suggest IUI. I have to say, I feel some relief at this decision.

We then had a sit down and had a long talk about my situation. I have 7 follicles but probably only 4 will be mature. She thought that there was a good chance that there would be no embryo to transfer out of these four.

I asked if I might have a better chance with another cycle with a slightly different protocol. She said that my window of follicles is probably between 5 and 9 so I could hope for slightly better but that I won't get to the range that would make IVF a clear go. I have doubled the amount of gona.l f and have not had double the response. She also said that after 4 medicated IUIs, statistically, there is a decrease in pregnancies (it goes to the rate of placebos).

We talked about what might be next which is likely egg donor for me. My goal is to have a child and this is a way for that to happen. There is an estimated 70 - 80 % success rate for donor egg and that is very attractive. Also, by not doing the IVF this time, we'll use that $10,000 towards the $25,000 donor egg cost. As DH says, that's a $10,000 discount.

On the current situation, I am to continue with the shots for 2 more days (drat!) and go in again for a blood work and a scan on Friday. We'll probably have the IUI sometime over the weekend. I am sick of the shots but I'm not quitting now. On the plus side, this is the longest medicated cycle I have had and that hopefully means better quality eggs. The doc said that this is because the birth control pills suppressed my ovaries.

I'm glad this decision is over and that I didn't have to make it. It wasn't a great night sleep last night. Maybe we'll get lucky and the IUI will work. Stranger things have happened!

Why isn't it cut and dry?

2008-01-15T16:41:00.000-08:00

When I started this cycle, knowing it was open to IUI or IVF depending on my response, all I wanted was the decision of which way to go to be clear. Well it's not.

When I got home last night, DH and I had a long, often tense, discussion about this cycle. Why, he asked, is your doctor considering IVF when there are only 7 follicles and we've been told that probably 80% of my eggs are bad and that I should have 8 - 10 or more follicles for IVF. Why does she think this will work?

I didn't have a good answer and of course, IVF hasn't been suggested yet but it hasn't been ruled out. What will change before the next appointment? he wanted to know. I don't know. I don't think 3 more follicles will magically mature.

I am optimistic (who knows why) and want this to work. So I'm hopeful that IVF is just the thing we need to do and that IUI hasn't worked because it just isn't going to work. Maybe the shells on my eggs are too hard for the sperm to break and ISCI will solve that.

DH was advocating that we should do IUI again this month and maybe it will work because I had that surgery to remove the fibroid tumor. And if it doesn't work, we try IVF next time and hope for more than 7 follicles. I agree with that logic. It's just that I don't know if I want to go through this again. Part of me wants the final answer now. So we can then move on. I can't dismiss that the $10,000 out of pocket is a big part of this decision. Are we wasting $10,000 to find out that all 7 eggs are bad or are we putting $10,000 toward our best option.

I don't know the answer. I am going to the doctor armed with a list of questions that I will need to be answered if she recommends going through with IVF.

Frankly, so much about IF is making decisions. About trying, about paying, about how many times, about when to give up and what to do next. I feel like every month, we remake all of these decisions. I'm so tired of that.

Anyway, I don't know what the good doc will recommend but I'll find out soon enough. Either way, I'll be happy to have this stretch of time over.

It's not over yet

2008-01-14T11:49:00.001-08:00

I went in today to the doc expecting to have the plan laid out and expecting that we would do the IUI or ER on Wednesday. I've already been giving myself the shots for 9 days and frankly, I'm ready for them to be done. But that's not to be.

I have 7 good sized follies - mostly around 12 and 13mm. They want me to stim for 2 more days and then go back on Wednesday. On Wed, the final decision will be made. Everyone seemed optimistic. They said that 7 was great for my age and that we'll know for sure on Wednesday if we should go for egg retrieval. I guess that goal of having 10 or more follies was not set in stone.

I left happy. I was pretty certain that they were going to recommend IUI but the door is still open for IVF. They all agreed (2 RE's and 1 PA) that this is my best cycle yet.

So, it's not over yet. Wish good thoughts for me!

Still Slow but Steady

2008-01-11T09:32:00.000-08:00

I went to the doc again today and the scan showed 6 measurable follicles. There were a few other little ones around, too, but only 6 that looked determined to go the distance. This is not horrible news for an IUI but for IVF, at my age, it doesn't look too good. They said that no decision will be made until Monday when I go back. I'll keep the same meds and add in ganarali.x tomorrow night ( to stop me from ovulating).

I'm getting comfortable with the idea that this might not be an IVF cycle. On the positive side, it will save me oodles of money and I can still try the IUI. On the negative side, I'd really like to know if the problem is that my eggs are for crap or what. Without doing IVF, I won't get to know and we'll just assume that I have old old eggs and then move on to something else. And we can use the $10,000 for that something else.

I'm anxious for Monday.

Off to a so-so start

2008-01-09T13:49:00.000-08:00

I went to the doc today for a scan and blood work. There were at least 7 follicles that were visible but they were still too small to measure. I was disappointed as I was hoping for a huge number (since I was told to try make 15! and I using the highest dose of gona.l f). The doc said that 7 was ok for now since it is still early and there may be more by Friday at my next appointment.

She said none of these were "committed" yet to growing full size and that we'll know more on Friday or perhaps on Monday.

So, I was hoping for some great news like "WOW! lok at all of those follicles!!" Alas, I never get that kind of news. If I can't crank up the follicles, this will not be an IVF cycle but IUI #6. Not too exciting.

AF arrived

2008-01-06T08:09:00.000-08:00

I gave myself the first set of shots last night and this morning, AF was here. I don't know if that is the right order of things but here we go.

I definitely felt a reaction to the 450 of gona.l f after it went in. Something kicked into gear down there - I hope that's a good sign.

Did anyone have this problem?

2008-01-05T13:39:00.000-08:00

I started birth control pills about 3 weeks ago. I went to the doctor on Wednesday and she told me to stop taking them (my last one was Tuesday evening) and that I should bleed in a few days and then I should start the injections on Saturday (today).

Well, AF has not arrived. I called the doctor yesterday and told her that AF had not arrived yet and asked if I should still start the injections on Saturday even if I haven't bled yet. She said yes.

so, I haven't started bleeding but will start the injections tonight. I guess the question is, does it matter that I haven't had even a light period? Has anyone had this situation?

Please advise.

Thanks,

Egged

Here we go!

2008-01-02T12:19:00.000-08:00

I'm back from a great vacation and ready, I think, to start the next chapter of fertility efforts.

I went to the doctor today and my ovaries are sufficiently suppressed. I won't take the pill any more and on Saturday, I'll start the meds. I am not going to do Lupro.n. I thought I was but today they said that I will be doing gona.l f and hcg as before. I'll just be doing a higher dose of the gona.l f. In some ways, I'm glad because I am familiar with these drugs and have not had any bad side effects from them. I just hope they work. I'll be taking 450 of the gona.l f. Last time, I took 300. 450 is the max you can take so this is my big chance to see if my body will respond.

Happy New Year to everyone. Here's to a great 2008 with BFPs all around!

Weird to say but I'm on the pill

2007-12-17T15:43:00.000-08:00

AF arrived on Friday and I called the doctor and got my prescription for birth control pills. I will take them until January 2nd which is when I will go in to see if my ovaries are sufficiently suppressed. If they are, we are off and running and the IVF attempt will officially begin. That's scary to think about.

It could be a great start to a new year or a big expensive bummer of a start to a new year. Time will tell.

I babysat my 10 month old niece on Saturday. She was a great baby. It was a really nice way to spend the day but a painful one, too. My brother has 4 children and another one on the way. They will soon have 5 kids. Wow. And we can't get one.

I'm not jealous. I don't want 5 kids. I grew up in a big family which had its advantages but I'm not looking to repeat (not that I have time to have 8 children unless they all come at once and that is not likely to happen (it didn't happen with IUI so I don't think it will happen with IVF).

I would, however, like to have two children. If possible. Is that asking too much?

I'm back

2007-12-11T07:02:00.001-08:00

Where have I been? Well, between going somewhere every weekend,organizing a big fundraiser for my work, and dealing the death and funeral of a beloved uncle who died way too young (55!), it's been a long month. I've been exhausted. And I'm so thankful I chose to take a break from fertility treatments. I'm sure this would not have been a good cycle.

So, fertility issues have not been foremost in my mind as I am free from the myriad of doctor appointments and injections, but don't worry, I haven't forgot about it entirely.

As soon as cycle day 1 arrives, I'll call the doctor and start bcp to suppress the ovaries. Then, I will hopefully start with the medications right after the new year. The thing that runs through my mind constantly is whether or not this is going to be a wasted effort and a waste of our hard earned resources. There has not been much good news for my age group lately. I've done 5 IUIs with nary a bfp.

I feel like I am going through with the IVF cycle just to prove that I can't get pregnant. To demonstrate that I tried everything medically possible. To get an A for effort. I don't have hope that it will actually work. So why I am throwing $10,000 or so at this?

I think it will allow me to move on. In January, we will have been married for 4 years; for the past 3 years, we've been trying to get pregnant (with one year under the RE's care). This has been a long haul. This has been tiring. This hasn't felt like moving forward - it has felt like running in place. Wanting a child and having a child are not the same. I don't want to keep wanting a child. I want to have a child to raise.

So, this $10,000 investment will allow me and dh to move on. I think it is more important for him to see that we have tried everything. I think that when this fails, he will be ready to try the next thing - egg donation or adoption. And those both have a much high chance of success.

Cycle math

2007-11-20T07:50:00.000-08:00

Today is day one. It was a 30 day cycle - is that good news? I'm not sure. Last month, it was 22 days. So, take the average and we are at 26 days which is my normal (at least before I started pumping drugs into my body).

I'm going to call the doctor today and delay starting the IVF cycle. I'm feeling good about that decision except the minor detail that at age 41, I probably shouldn't delay much... what can 26 more days do? Expel that last good egg?

Have a great Thanksgiving everyone! We'll be road tripping all over the state of California - those of you in CA, I'll see you on the 5!

What it is: Fear

2007-11-19T07:50:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling ambivalent about this upcoming IVF cycle. Scared might be a better word. I've been anticipating my cycle day one arriving, and thus a phone call to the doc to start birth control for about 2 weeks. This would put the Egg Retrival and Embryo transfer to finish up just before Christmas.

I've found myself secretly hoping that cd1 would start after Tuesday and then it will be too late to get to the doctor as we are going out of town Tuesday evening and won't be back until Sunday.

My normal cycle (though I'm not sure I have those anymore) lasts about 26, maybe 27 days. I thought AF would have arrived on Friday or Saturday but here it is Monday, CD 29, and she is not here yet.

I'm afraid to start the IVF cycle for several reasons:

1. The holidays are coming. We have a zillion family, work, and social obligations over the next few weeks. Every weekend is booked as are many weekday evenings. We have to travel to family events and shop for gifts. We're hosting a few events at our house. It's looking to be a stressful few weeks.

2. I am not feeling physcially at optimum condition. I've been slacking off on exercising and not eating very well the last month or so

3. We are going away for a week after Xmas to my dad's place in Mexico - on the coast, very relaxing, friends closeby - it's a wonderful place to rest and rejuvinated. I feel like after a week there, I'll be ready for IVF. If I wait one more cycle, AF should arrive before Xmas and then I would be on BcP for at least 2 weeks which would bring me into the New Years.

4. For 2008, I can sign up for my company's flex health saving plan and will be able to pay for part of the IVF costs with pre tax money which will mean some cost savings

5. The last and probably most important: I'm scared it will fail. The likelihood of success are slim and I'm not sure I'm ready to face this final BFN. I don't know why I think I will be more ready to face it in January but I have a feeling that once the holidays are over, I'll be ready to handle more.

DH and I talked about it last night and he agreed that we should wait. He had been thinking on his own that the holidays were busy and stressful enough without adding in an last chance IVF cycle. I felt relief when he said that because he has always been the one who wanted to keep moving forward and not miss chances, etc.

So, that's our decision unless AF arrives and I miraculously feel ready to start.

What is a Micro Flare?

2007-11-18T09:34:00.001-08:00

Click here to learn:

Micro-Flare Study

I didn't know either though it looks like I am a good candidate.

IVF - here we come?

2007-11-14T20:43:00.000-08:00

I went to the doctor yesterday for my post-op appointment. She showed me some very bizarre (interesting?) photos of the inside of my uterus. She had showed them to my husband the day of the surgery (I was still out of it) and all he said was that it looked like a balloon with some discoloration in parts of it. Well, he's color blind and it's not his uterus so I figured when I got to the see the photos, I would have more to say about it. But frankly, it looked something like a balloon and there was some parts that were discolored and the good doctor eliminated the parts that were discolored. That's the simplest (and only) description I can give you.

It was a fibroid tumor.

Oh, and the cells were all benign. Phew.

I'm so glad it is over and in the past. Now, the future:

Our current plan is to start with an IUI that will hopefully convert to IVF - assuming I can come up with enough eggs (the doctor would like to see 15.)(15!) As soon as I start CD 1, which should be this weekend, I'm to call them and then I will go on birth control pills for 2 weeks. After that, we'll do an Micro Flare (I don't know what that is but I'll let you know as soon as I find out) for 2 days and then it is a little like the regular medicated IUI's I've been doing. I'll do 450 of gona.l f which is the maximum.

If I don't come up with enough follicles, we'll do another iui and if I do come up with enough, we'll do an egg retrieval, isci, and you know the rest. And that will cost us about $10,000. The money scares me a bit. I know I've gotten off easy with the past 5 IUIs because we've only had to pay about $500 each one. Now, it's really going to hurt financially.

Also, I think it may hurt emotionally, too. This is our last chance with my eggs. If we convert to IVF and it doesn't work, it's back to the drawing board. If we aren't able to convert to IVF, then we know we will never do IVF. And the doctor is soon to cut me off of IUIs. So, we are going to put our resources to this effort. If we don't do it, we may have a lifetime of regret and if we do it, we just might (pray for us) wind up with a baby.

That's the news for tonight. I hope all are well.

Take Care,

Egged

Blog Blahs

2007-11-10T05:00:00.000-08:00

I've been having mixed feelings about the blogging business lately. I started reading blogs when I needed inspiration and to feel like I wasn't the only one going through this. At first, I would find someone who had gotten pregnant and maybe even already had their baby and then go back and read their whole blog to learn their whole story. I knew it had a happy ending so I would read and be inspired. When I came upon someone that was not yet successful, I would skip to another blog. I did this for a week or so.

And then I found some folks who were, like me, maybe a little older than the average infertile, and, who, like me, were right in the middle of their story. I began reading them and commenting and sharing their journey. I was invested and praying for them to have a happy ending as it might mean that I, too, would have a happy ended. I began my own blog.

But I have to say, sometimes this shared journey is darn depressing. It's not inspirational. It's devastating. To follow someone who struggles for months or years to get pregnant and then read about her having a m/c is so sad. It's overwhelming sometimes. I find myself limiting the number of people I follow because there is so much heartbreak.

I wish I could fast forward to all of our happy endings and then read back with the knowledge that there was a happy ending. But that's not the way it works. We have to live through it in real time.

This infertile business is not for the weak of heart. Sometimes I don't think I'm brave enough for it. It's one thing to give yourself shots in the gut and feel brave and able to take on anything but it's another thing altogether to endure the emotional heartbreak that IF throws at us day in and day out.

I feel like writing this which sounds so odd: I've been lucky that I haven't gotten pregnant. Because then I didn't have to lose it.

Anyway, this is a highly depressing post. Sorry about that. I'm feeling better and mostly back to normal. I go to the doc on Tuesday to hear for myself what they found and how/when I can proceed from here. We're going away for a few days to relax and recover.

Home for the day

2007-11-07T15:53:00.000-08:00

It feels so nice to have that surgery over. I know I worried about it far more than necessary but I can't help it. I'm a worrier through and through. I am a real baby when it comes to medical or dental stuff. That's probably why it took so long for me to see an RE when it was evident that we weren't getting pregnant the old fashioned way.

I go to the doc next week on Tuesday for a post-op and then to make our next plans. Before the surgery, we talked briefly of the plan to do a suped up medicated IUI that may have a chance to turn into an IVF cycle if I can create enough follicles. The doctor agreed that they will be our next step. I don't know if we can start in November on my next cd1 or if we will need to wait one more cycle. December sounds good to me, too. I'd like to get started this year.

I've been resting all day today. I probably could have gone to work but I got permission to work a half day from home so I am still in my jammies. I am getting work done but it's nice to have a quiet day and not have to get dressed, drive, and interact with a bunch of people.

All done

2007-11-06T17:33:00.000-08:00

The surgery is over - god bless anesthesia! I conked out when the doctor said "I'm just going to give you something to relax you a bit... then he said take five deep breaths" and next thing I knew, I woke up in the recovery room.

My surgery was scheduled for 9:30 am and the anesthesiologist told me it would probably take 30 minutes unless they found something somewhat complicated and then it could take an hour or more. When I woke up in the recovery room, the clock on the wall said 11:30. I immediately, in my groggy way, said, "did it take 2 hours??" I thought that they must have found something unexpected. The nurse laughed and apologized - they hadn't changed the clocks back yet so it was actually 10:30 am. Whew.

It was a fibrous cyst - though that is via DH and I'll hear the full report next week from my doctor.

Over all, the staff at the hospital were wonderful and I couldn't have asked for a better experience.

I am now resting at home. I have a little spotting but I was told to expect that. I'm just glad it is over and now I can get back on with trying to have a baby.

Q & A

2007-11-04T14:00:00.000-08:00

The question is: will this surgery to remove whatever it is growing in my uterus improve my chances of getting pregnant?

The answer is: no one knows. The doc won't go on record saying that this is what has prevented me from getting pregant. If it's all about the eggs, it doesn't matter what is or isn't growing in my uterus.

DH is convinced this will improve our chances. My sister-in-law got pregnant after having something (albeit, something different) removed from her uterus - so there is precedent.

For the record, my official opinion on the subject is that removing whatever it is will absolutely improve my chances. (Since no one know for sure, I'll take the most optimistic side)(No reason to be negative about the whole thing).

I'm not proud - I'll take hope from where ever I can get it.

Pre-Op Complete - Next Stop: Surgery

2007-10-30T12:40:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been away. It's been a complicated time here in San Diego but things are back to normal now (for me).

During the fires last week, I forgot about my upcoming surgery which was worrying me. I woke up yesterday and realized that it is next week and I immediately starting worrying again. I know it isn't a big deal and I've talked to many people who have been through it but I can't help but worry. It's not every day that I am put unconscious. I've only had that done once before when I had my wisdom teeth about 25 years ago.

I went in for the pre-op today which was mostly taking vitals such as blood pressure, blood, pulse, etc. I had a nice talk with the doctor who explained the procedure and it seems I am all set for next week. I will have the surgery on Tuesday morning.

I mentioned in my last post that AF arrived on CD 22. I don't know what that is about but like all my problems, I blame the medications. 22 days?!? That's short even for me who usually has a 26 day cycle. I may take next month off as well so I can see if my body gets back on track. I don't think a short cycle is a good sign that all is well. If we are going to try for IVF, I want all of the conditions to be perfect. Or at least as perfect as possible for me.

Distraction

2007-10-23T16:01:00.000-07:00

I found a distraction (and not one I recommend) to thinking, worrying, plotting, researching, and overall obsessing with fertility issues: a natural disaster. I live in San Diego County and we've been under siege by wildfires since Sunday. DH and I (and our pets) have evacuated to a relative who lives in a safer area. Our house is ok now but the fire isn't over yet so we are watching everything very closely.

That being said, I haven't thought much about my surgery, my fertility issues, and even the fact that in the middle of all this, AF arrived on cd 22 (what??). Normally you'd get a whole post about cd 22 and just how wrong it is for AF to start that early. Something ain't right.

But, that will all have to wait. There are bigger issues going on here now.

I was tagged by Chris and I promise to respond when I am in the right mindset. (I'm not ignoring it).

I hope everyone is well. Pray for the wind to die down.

Chances

2007-10-17T21:44:00.000-07:00

These past two days I was in San Francisco for a work meeting and I stayed with one of my brothers. I haven't told any of my siblings about our fertility treatment - only my mom knows. I don't know why - I guess I don't want a lot of people asking about how it is going when it is obviously not going so well.

I have a few people that I have to update each cycle (some close friends, my mom) and of course, you out there, but I try to minimize the number of people I have to report to. Maybe if I had good news once in a while, I wouldn't feel it necessary to protect myself like this. But when I share, for example, that I have 8 follicles and I'm really excited, frankly, to the uninitiated, it takes a whole lot of explaining and in the end, 8 follicles is a nice intermediary step, but if there isn't a pregnancy from one of those 8, it's not really all that great of news, is it?

Anyway, my brother was discussing the idea of he and his wife having another child and we got to talking about children and I opened up to him. I didn't tell him all of the grusome details and but I let him know that we have been having treatments for 10 months now and I told him about my upcoming surgery.

He then told me that he and his wife tried for about 6 months to get pregnant and then went to a doctor and found that she had fybroid cysts in her uterous. She had surgery (more extensive than what I will have) and they removed them. Shortly after that, she became pregnant. Of course this just fueled the flames of hope for me. My doctor doesn't think I have fybroid cysts but she won't know for sure until she goes in there.

Maybe when my ute is all cleaned out, I'll have a better chance. Not a great chance but a better chance. I'll take it.

Acupuncture

2007-10-11T22:06:00.000-07:00

I had my first acupuncture appointment yesterday. It was interesting. I went there and had an interview about my general health and reproductive system. I also filled out a very thorough questionnaire. He had my lay down on a table and then he listened to my pulse on both arms for about a full minute on each side. He looked at my tongue with a flashlight.

Then he proceeded to put 20 little tiny (and I mean tiny especially compared to the ones we give ourselves shots with) needles in twenty places around my body. 3 on my belly (one over each over and one over my uterus), 3 on my head (one in the middle of my forehead and one in each ear) and then on my hands, arms, feet, and legs. I barely felt them. Only a few did I really feel going in.

Then I lay there with a heat lamp over me for what seemed like 30 minutes. It was relaxing, I'll give you that. I am not sure what else it was. I liked being warm and listening to mellow music.

When he came back to take the needles, he told me I was blood deficient. I'm not sure what that means but he says he can fix it. He sold me some Chinese herbs and supplements after the session. He tried to sell me more but I didn't want to spend $100 on stuff that I am not sure about so I only bought a few items. Do any of you take the Chinese herbs and supplements? What do you think? I have to be honest, I am a little wary. I'd like to hear about the experiences of anyone who has taken them.

He said I should go every week and then by my IVF cycle in two months, I should be in good shape. I can't go next week as I'll be out of town but then I will probably go again. He charges $75 per visit. I don't like spending the money but I know this may be my only chance at IVF so I should give it my best shot.

And I can't go around being infertile and blood deficient... maybe they will both go away together.

Damn

2007-10-10T22:22:00.000-07:00

Just what I was not hoping for: the sonohysterogram showed a polyp or something is in my uterus. Boo. The sonohysterogram wasn't bad - I was anxious about it all day - first time I have been nervous going to the RE in a long time. I had it done in February so I knew what to expect. If anything, this one went smoother. The doctor took about 12 photos as she honed in on the offending polyp. Said it could be a skin flap or a fibrous cyst. They won't know for sure until they go in. They will have it biopsied but she said these things are almost always benign. She said that it may or may not have impeded pregnancy and it wouldn't necessarily improve my chances for a bfp. It's just that they won't do ivf with it in there - they need the uterus to be in tip top shape when they put the embryos back in.

Probably I'll have the surgery in early November. It will be hysteroscopy - something like a D&C but they'll use a little tiny camera so they'll know exactly what to remove. It doesn't sound like complicated surgery but I will be put under for it and won't feel a thing. The doctor said that there are rarely any complications from the surgery and I can resume my normal activities the next day.

Easy surgery or not, I did not want this news. Ugh. It's always something. I will have the surgery in early November and then will hopefully, start the IVF cycle in December. She offered to put me on birth control pills and then I could start the IVF cycle a week after the surgery but that would put the egg retrieval and transfer some time around Thanksgiving and frankly, I'd rather enjoy the holiday fully and not be worried about the timing of everything. We are planning to drive to dh's sister's for thanksgiving so it would be nice to be able to put that in ink.

I know I'm getting older and should try to do everything as soon as possible but what would be nicer than a stress free Thanksgiving and then a bfp for Christmas?

I'm trying to look on the positive side of this:
- This polyp would have had to be removed at some point anyway so might as well get it over with.
- it I did get pregnant, it could cause a miscarriage if the implantation was near to the polyp
- I have two cycles to get my body in great shape for ivf.

I also went to acupuncture today which was interesting; I'll write about that separately.

Things I do that I didn't used to do

2007-10-09T07:50:00.001-07:00

Since I started the fertility treatment roller coaster about 10 - 11 months ago, I have taken up all sorts of new hobbies (and I am not including giving myself shots, giving blood, or getting wanded). Mostly these hobbies are to help me sleep on sleepless nights or keep me occupied during the day when my mind starts obsessing on the latest cycle.

Here's is what I have taken up and added back into my life:
1. Swimming - nothing like the tired from a good swim. I found a place near my office where I can swim on my lunch hour. If I swim hard, I will sleep through the night.

2. Listening to the news on my Ipod. I got an Ipod right around the time I started treatments. I thought I would use it for music or books on tape but I have found the free npr podcasts on I.tun.es. Each night, I download the news and listen to it. Nothing puts me to sleep faster. If I wake up in the middle of the night and start stressing out, I listen again and it puts me back to sleep. It's a crutch but I need my sleep!

3. Crossword puzzles. I was never into crosswords but now I do the one in the paper every day. I start it in the morning and if I can't finish it quickly, I leave it for after work. It takes full concentration. With tv, my mind wanders and I don't find that an enjoyable way to spend the evening.

4. Sewing. Lately, I have taken out the old sewing machine and have been sewing little purses with remnants of upholstery fabric that I buy at the fabric store for $1 or $2. Like crossword puzzles, this takes my full concentration and I have a cute bag at the end.

5. Blogging. I never had a blog before and actually never read one. I wish I had read all the infertility blogs 2 or 3 years ago. I might have gotten myself into treatment sooner. I didn't know anything about the world of infertility treatments and when we couldn't get pregnant, we went to our normal doctors and they weren't much help except finally, one day, dh's doctor gave him a slip of paper that said "Intrauterine Insemination". I called my doctor to see if she could do such a thing and she laughed and said "no, you have to go to an RE". Oh, I had no idea. That's what led me to my RE. And that is when I started googling IUI, etc. and I found all the blogs - which have helped me so much. And obviously, eventually, I started one of my own.

Tomorrow, I will take up acupuncture.

Wednesday Appointments

2007-10-06T12:49:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday, I have two fertility related appointments.

1. Sonohystogram AKA the water test. I have had this test done before, in March 07 and everything was fine. But in some of my ultrasounds lately, they have noticed a little something (or maybe a little nothing - they aren't sure) in my uterus. They haven't been concerned for IUI as it shouldn't impede implantation, etc. But as we look towards IVF, the doc said that they want to make sure my uterus is in tip-top condition before they place an embryo in there. So, I am going to have the water test. I am scared. Not of test - I've done it before and it's not bad (easier than the hsg, mostly because those performing the test know their way around women's parts). I'm scared of the results. What if there is something there? Does that mean some kind of procedure to remove it? Does that mean I can't do IVF? I really want there to be nothing (naturally, that shouldn't surprise anyone) and be able to proceed with IVF in the next cycle. I guess I will have to wait. The good news is that I will get the results right away.

2. Acupuncture! I made an appointment and I am proud of myself for doing so. It has been recommended by so many and I have told myself that one day I will do it but I never got off my butt to research a place and make an appointment. So finally I did it. I go right after the water test. I think I put it off as it is hard to imagine scheduling one more dr appointment in the mix of all the other appointment. But with IVF looming, it was now or never. If acupuncture can help me create a few extra follicles, it will be worth it.

So, Wednesday is a big day. In the meanwhile, I am trying to eat right and exercise and generally get my body and mind in shape for what's to come.

What did we decide?

2007-10-03T17:29:00.000-07:00

After a long discussion, we came up with our next decision (no doubt not our last).

We are going to try for IVF next cycle. We will start out as IUI and hopefully (please!!), I can come up with a big litter of follicles (more than 10 good sized ones) and then we can convert to IVF. If the follicles are not up to the doc's standards, we will do an IUI again. I am going to take the maximum amount of gona.l f (450) each day. If I don't get a lot of follicles at that dosage, there's no hope for me.

Our thinking is that if we can get to egg retrieval, at least we will learn more about my gosh darn eggs. Maybe they are all bad. Maybe not. The doc said that in older women, often the shell of the egg is too hard for either the sperm to enter or for the embryo to hatch. With me, assuming we get that far, they will do assisted hatching. They will break the outer shell of the egg at day 5 and then put them in me. At that point, they should be ready to implant right away. This is exciting to talk about.

If the eggs are all bad, then we will make that egg donor decision and not keep doing IUI's, etc. If the eggs are good, maybe we'll be blessed with a pregnancy. Stranger things have happened. At least we'll be operating with a little more information.

I feel good with this plan because we'll get some information and there is an end to it. Not just endless IUI or IVF cycles.

How to prepare for this? Well, next week I have a sonohystogram on Wednesday and then right after, Chris, you'll be proud of me, I have my first acupuncture appointment. If I may only have one chance at this, then I'm going to do everything I can to improve my odds. Suggestions at to how to do this are welcome.

Decision made. For now. And it feels good.

Went to the Doctor and the Doctor Said...

2007-10-02T13:09:00.000-07:00

I had a great conversation with my doctor. She spent 50 minutes with me discussing my situation and going over my options. She was really nice and really thoughtful. I so appreciate her.

Here's the facts:

- She will only do 3 more medicated IUIs on me and then I am cut off.

- IUI and IVF probably have about the same chance at this point but we will learn more about my eggs with IVF. She is willing to boost my meds and see if I can create at least 10 eggs and if that happens, we can convert to IVF and take a look at those eggs. If there are not 10 eggs, she won't do an egg retrieval.

- Donor Egg is a good option though I can wait to make my decision about that - she says I have until age 47 for the donor egg option. Donor egg will cost about $25,000!!! Jeez, that changes my excitement about donor egg a bit.

- They have two donated embryos that she offered. It will cost about $3,000 to put them in but obviously, they won't be related to me or mh.

- She feels if I went to donor egg at this point (and skipped IVF on my own eggs) I could still feel that I gave it a thorough try.

- She also wants me to do one more sonohystogram next week because there is something very small on my uterus that keeps showing up on the ultrasounds and she wants to take a look at before we try anything else.

That's where I am. I feel like I am in good hands. I don't know about $25,000 for a donor egg. It does have about a 80% chance but it could still be money down the drain. Holy crap that's a lot of dough. I had somehow gotten to accept the idea of $15,000 but $25,000 seems like a whole lot more money. Maybe I should look at it this way: I borrowed $20,000 to go to grad school and I am about to pay that off and we just borrowed a smiliar amount to buy a car so what's another $25,000????? Is that a good way to look at this?

That's the update. I'll talk with dh this evening and let you know what we decide.

Out of Plimbo - on to ???

2007-10-02T07:57:00.000-07:00

AF arrived yesterday. Whoopee.

I have an appointment with my RE today to go over my options. I want to get some educated input so I can make an educated decision. I don't want to just keep doing IUI after IUI without a plan.

I appreciate the comments about the egg donor. The one thing about the egg donor option is that it can wait. Also, my insurance covers all by $500 of the IUIs so those are manageable financially (especially if we do them every other month). The egg donor option is appealing but it seems like a way to end this part of my life - the trying, waiting, failing part. It seems like the fastest way to maybe have a baby. It is very expensive and it is not guaranteed to work. But it has a much higher success rate than round after round of IUI....

Hmm. What to do. Well, to start off, I'll talk with the doctor today and get her input on the situation. Then I'll be right back to the decision making mode.

I'll update later. Take care.

PLIMBO - the Part I Really Don't Like

2007-09-28T16:43:00.000-07:00

I had a negative blood test on Monday. My last progesteron.e was on Sunday evening. AF has not yet arrived. Last time, it took over a week after stopping the progerston.e to show up. I'm in Plimbo (period limbo) and it makes me think I have messed with my body just a little too much.

As I start taking the meds, have the IUI, go through the 2ww, I am intensively aware of what is going on with my body. How many follicles in each ovary and what size, when I ovulate, when implantation might occur, when an accurate result might show up on a hpt. And then I have the blood test and now, 5 days later, I have no frickin clue as to what is going on with my body. I am just in Plimbo. Do I have a cyst? 5 cysts? What is taking AF so long to show up?

I probably have a cyst. I am assuming that as I've had them after every medicated cycle. I don't know how long it will take for AF to arrive but meanwhile I have ugly brown spotting. I feel like something is wrong. I never feel that way during the first 28 days of the cycle but the next days/weeks, I feel bad. Not hopeful. Not freeing. But "something is wrong and I don't know how to fix it".

I am more patient this time. I am not continuing to poas just to make sure the blood test was correct. I am calmer about it. But still, I don't like it. I like it when my body works like clock work. 28 day cycles (though for the last year or two, they have been 26 or 27 day cycles).

This is where I am today - still mulling over the donor egg option but feeling crappy about my body.

I hope all are well.

I don't know

2007-09-26T08:18:00.000-07:00

I was so excited about the egg donor possibilities (mostly the 70 - 80% success rate) on Monday but now I am waning a bit on the idea. DH wants to keep trying with IUIs, figuring that we have only recently gotten to the point of a good number of follicles (8 last time) and that if we are able to get 8 or more follicles 2 or 3 more times, then he will feel we have given it a really good go. I do agree in principle but the thought of 3 more failed IUI cycles exhausts me. Especially since I seem to have a cyst after each medicated cycle so I only do an IUI every other month. We're talking about 6 more months. A donor IVF cycle has a much higher chance of success and will save months of anguish.

However, I am starting to dwell on other things besides the chance for a take home baby. I am thinking that I won't look in that child's face and see me in her or him. My child won't share that certain something with his/her 10 first cousins. I was an athlete while growing up - maybe my child won't be athletic. I have had excellent health my whole life - haven't had a sick day from work in years - I'd like to pass that on.

I know if we adopt, which is an option we are exploring, the same will be true. And I won't have carried the adopted child in my body, won't be able to breast feed, etc and so this donor egg child offers something to me more than adoption.

As I write this, I am thinking that I need process this more and give sufficient time to grieve about the fact that I may not have a bio child and then move on to the option of donor egg. DH may be right - we should be sure that we have given it a solid effort to have a baby with our genes before jumping on to donor egg. It's so alluring - that chance to be done with this part of my life and on to parenting. That's what I want - to be a parent. Yes, I want my child to be part of me - to have my big (some would say big ass) smile and thick hair but more important, I want to have a child.

Why are there so many frickin decisions to be made? I should appreciate the fact that we have options as I know couples decades ago did not have options like we have now but getting to the point where we have a child is sure more complicated than having sex and getting pregnant. That seems like a cake walk. This is a walk over coals. It hurts but I know we'll get through it.

Donor Eggs?

2007-09-24T09:51:00.000-07:00

I went for my blood test this morning and then had a brief chat with the PA about donor eggs - how hard was it to find a donor, etc. She said that it was easy to get an egg donor - that they have 8 or so on file that I could chose from. If I didn't like any of those eight, I could use an agency ( I almost wrote eggency!) to find some one that met my requirements.

The most important thing that she said was that there is a 70 - 80% success rate with donor eggs - even at my age! This was music to my ears. This sounds interesting! I know it costs significantly more to use a donor egg but the odds are so much better that I think it is a better financial investment.

I am really excited and have a new hope for the possibility of having a child.

I never thought I would get to this point but here I am - seriously considering it.

It's official - BFN

2007-09-23T09:44:00.000-07:00

Well, not totally official - that will be via the blood test tomorrow but I'm not holding out any type of hope for a reversal of fortune here.

I was very sad this morning and yesterday when I saw that it was most likely going to be negative but I have to say that I feel better now. Knowing the result is worth a lot. I was anxious the last two weeks, carrying around the weight of wondering, hoping, planning, etc and now that is off my shoulders. I am not happy with the answer - I would rather be celebrating and planning and jumping for joy right now - that would be a fun experience - but knowing has value and being in that limbo period is tough on the ol' emotions.

What next? I don't know. This was the 5th IUI and frankly, at age 41, I may have to admit that my eggs are not all they are cracked up to be (and they are only cracked up to be about 20% good so that's not saying much). We could try IVF since I have now met the threshold of 8 follicles in one cycle (that's the number my doc said I have to come up with to make IVF even a little bit worth it) OR we could keep trying IUIs just hoping that one of the good eggs will finally make an appearance OR we could look into a donor egg.

Not being able to make this decision on our own, I am going to set up a consult with the good doctor and get her input on this situation. If my chances with IVF using my own eggs are close to null, then maybe I should do IVF with a donor egg instead and save money/emotions/time. I don't know what to do.

I want to start my family. The anxiety of wondering when/how that is going to happen is excruciating. I don't want to keep the option open that we won't have children. We both want children. We want to be parents. IVF with a donor egg may be the way to make that happen. Adoption is another way that it may happen.

So, here I am - not quite back where I started since after 5 IUIs, I have some information about my eggs and my response to meds, etc, but in the big picture of things, 10 months of treatments and I am exactly where I was when I started.

Any ideas out there?